by Susan Lewis
‘Listen,’ he said, ‘I’m not going to try and pretend this isn’t a scary thing you’re facing, because it is, but you have to try and stay focused on the present, because honestly there’s no telling what the future might hold. For all we know you could get run over by a bus tomorrow … Oh, now there’s a happy thought, Tone. Glad you came up with that one, it’s sure to cheer her up.’
With a splutter of laughter, Lisa attempted to dry her eyes.
‘What I should have said,’ he continued, ‘is that he’s still got a lot of good years in him if he’s only just been diagnosed, and he’s not short of money, so when things do start getting tough you can always bring someone in to help you.’
‘I know, you’re right, and every time I tell myself that it does make me feel better. He needs to have the best sort of care, and he’ll get it because I’ll be there to make sure he does.’
‘Unless,’ he added carefully, ‘he takes himself off to Switzerland.’
As her heart turned over, she said, ‘No, I can’t let him do that. His daughter won’t allow it either, I know she won’t. He’ll only be doing it to stop us sacrificing the next five or however many years of our lives taking care of him …’
‘Or so that he doesn’t have to spend the next five or however many years suffering one of the longest and cruellest sorts of deaths there is, because that’s what dementia is. It has no mercy for anyone, least of all its victim, or the carer.’
Turning to look at him, she said, ‘You sound as though you know about it.’
He shook his head. ‘Only from things I’ve read, or talking to friends who are going through it with their parents or grandparents. It’s not something I’d wish on my worst enemy, and believe it or not, I don’t view him as that.’
Swallowing as she looked away, she said, ‘What am I going to do, Tony? How am I going to cope with this?’
‘You’ll find a way,’ he assured her, ‘because I know you, no matter how afraid, and cheated you might be feeling right now, or how hard he tries to push you away, you don’t have it in you to walk out on him.’
Surprised by his answer, she turned to gaze into his eyes as she said, ‘You know, I was afraid, when I told you that you might be … Well, that you’d see it as a way … Sorry, that’s a horrible thing to think.’
‘I don’t blame you,’ he replied, ‘and I have to confess I do still want you back, but not like this. I’d never be able to live with myself, thinking of him struggling on in his private hell while we get merrily on with our lives, and you wouldn’t be able to either. No, what I’d rather do is try to find a way to help him, but God knows how I’m going to manage that when even the experts don’t have the answers.’
Keeping her head down, she said, ‘You could be there for me. Once Amy’s gone … I’ll …’ Biting her lip as more emotion swept over her, she brought the Kleenex back to her eyes.
‘You’ll need someone to lean on,’ he finished for her, ‘and I’m sure I can be that.’ Then, with a wryness that was more typical of the Tony she knew, he added, ‘I admit, I never envisaged myself as your brother or best friend, but it’s plain that’s what you need right now, and so that’s who I’ll be. Any time you need to offload, day or night, my door will always be open.’
‘Thank you,’ she whispered. Then, looking down at the tissue she was shredding, ‘So you really don’t think I should do as he seems to want and leave him?’
Brushing her hair back from her face, he replied, ‘OK, what if I said I think you should?’
Her head came round in surprise. Then her eyes narrowed with suspicion as she asked, ‘You’re not serious, are you?’
‘What if I am? Would you leave him?’
Keeping her eyes on his, she shook her head. ‘Never,’ she murmured. ‘I know I keep thinking about it, but …’
Putting a finger over her lips he said, ‘I just wanted you to see what it felt like to get the permission you’re seeking.’
She was still looking at him as she gave a tremulous smile. ‘You know, I never realised you could be so wise,’ she said, and taking his hand she held it between her own as she turned to gaze out at the rain. ‘I can do this,’ she told him quietly. ‘Whatever’s expected of me, I can do it, because he’s a wonderful man who deserves to be loved and cared for in the same way he’d love and care for me if I were in his position. And I could be, any of us could, even you.’
‘Too right,’ he agreed.
She turned to look at him again. ‘David’s much stronger and more honourable than I am,’ she said, ‘but I’m going to be there for him, Tony. I really am.’
‘In any other circumstances,’ Tony whispered, ‘I’d say he was a very lucky man, in these I’m going to say that in whatever way I can I’ll be there for him too.’
‘Is this really happening?’ Amy was murmuring excitedly, as they approached the airport terminal building. ‘Am I seriously leaving my little sister behind, and my daughter and my mother? How could I do that? How on earth are you all going to cope?’
As Theo laughed and David smiled, Lisa said, ‘Oh, I’m sure we’ll manage somehow.’
Grinning, Amy squeezed her hand and kept it bunched between her own as David steered them on to the ramp leading into the short-term car park.
It was impressive, Lisa was thinking, how he’d managed to drive all the way here as though nothing in the world was wrong with him. She felt proud of him, and at the same time resentful that she was now viewing something so normal as a particular achievement.
‘Don’t look so upset,’ Amy wailed. ‘I know it’s hard. I feel awful too. Are you ever going to be able to forgive me?’
‘Probably not, but please don’t let that stop you.’
Piping up from the front, Theo said, ‘I don’t think anything could now, bar death or disaster. The new tenants are moving in on Monday, the apartment’s ready for us in Sydney, the company has even sprung for business-class flights.’
‘Isn’t that fantastic?’ Amy trilled. ‘We really wouldn’t want to go all that way scrunched up in cattle class.’
‘It’s true, you wouldn’t,’ Lisa agreed, having never done it herself. ‘Now, I hope you’ve got the list I gave you of people to look up when you get there. They’ll take care of you royally, make sure you know all the best places to go and right things to do. I’ve already sent emails so they’re expecting to hear from you.’
‘Did I mention that my cousin in Cairns is going to invite you up there?’ David asked for the second time that day. ‘I haven’t seen him for decades, but he’s a proper sort of bloke, as the Aussies would say.’
‘Is that what they say?’ Lisa teased.
‘Isn’t it?’ he asked, catching her eye in the mirror.
Realising the joke might misfire she squeezed his shoulder, saying, ‘It’s exactly what they say.’
Ten minutes later they were wheeling two trolleys loaded with cases into the vast and frenetically busy departure lounge of Terminal 5 to check in for the Hong Kong flight, which was where Amy and Theo had decided to spend four days before completing their journey.
‘Are you getting itchy feet?’ Amy asked, as the men started to heft the cases on to the weighing belt.
Lisa was watching the milling crowds, feeling strangely as though she were a ghost returned from another time. ‘I guess so,’ she said, unwilling to consider her former life when she’d been free to jet off anywhere in the world at any time.
Amy smiled. ‘Chances are you’ll be doing plenty more travelling with David. Think how fantastic that’ll be … You know, I could quite fancy being a top politician’s wife myself. Oh God, what’s happening? What is it?’ she cried, noticing David starting to load the cases back on to his trolley.
‘We can’t check in until three hours before takeoff,’ Theo told her, ‘and we’ve still got four and a half to go.’
Though the early arrival was deliberate so they could have a late lunch together, they hadn’t expected to be stuck with the luggage, and Lis
a could see Amy starting to boil up ready to do battle with the check-in clerk.
‘It’s OK,’ she said, stepping in quickly, ‘they’ll allow you to park the luggage at the entrance to the restaurant. I’ve done it a dozen times, so let’s just do that.’
‘Good, I’m famished,’ David said, rubbing his hands. ‘Where are we going?’
‘Carluccio’s,’ Amy reminded him. ‘So where is it, Lis?’
‘Right there,’ Lisa replied, pointing to behind the check-in desks.
‘OK, here we go,’ Theo said, and wheeling his trolley round to lead the way, he raised an arm to marshal his troops.
‘Hey, isn’t that Jerry?’ Amy suddenly exclaimed. ‘Jerry, is that you?’
Jerry, in full uniform, broke his stride and turned around.
Amy’s face lit up. ‘Yes it is you,’ she declared. ‘How are you? You remember us, don’t you? Well, you remember David, obviously.’
From the readiness of Jerry’s smile it was impossible to tell how awkward he might be feeling at running into his father-in-law, but he had to be at least a little uncomfortable, Lisa felt sure. However, that was nothing to what she was experiencing, because slim though the possibility might be, there was still a chance Rosalind had told him about David’s condition and if he mentioned it now, with Amy right on the verge of leaving …
‘Amy,’ he was saying warmly, ‘how lovely to see you. And Theo. Where are you guys off to?’
‘This is our big move to Sydney,’ Theo told him.
‘But we’re only going as far as Hong Kong today,’ Amy added.
Jerry laughed. ‘If you’re on the 1835 then we’re going the same way.’
‘That’s the one,’ Amy cried, clearly thrilled. ‘How fab, knowing the captain.’
Chuckling, Jerry turned to Lisa and David. Now Lisa could see his discomfort, and in spite of feeling sorry for Rosalind, her heart went out to him. ‘Hello,’ he said, shaking David’s hand. Then to Lisa, ‘I guess this is a big day for you too, saying goodbye to your sister.’
Lisa grimaced. ‘I don’t know about big, but it’s definitely not one I’ve been looking forward to.’
‘So how are you?’ he said to David. ‘I hear you’ve …’
‘Oh, excuse us,’ Amy snapped as someone careered their trolley into Theo’s.
Lisa hardly noticed, she was so tense. Surely to God Jerry wasn’t about to mention it, even if he did know.
Turning back from the scuffle, Jerry was on the point of continuing, when Lisa suddenly blurted, ‘How’s Olivia and your little girl?’
As Jerry’s cheeks burned with colour, Lisa felt David draw back and wanted to bite out her tongue. She’d only said it to stop Jerry triggering all sorts of explosions, and now here she was setting them off herself.
‘They’re fine, thank you,’ he answered quietly. Then, turning to Amy and Theo, ‘I don’t know how full the flight is, but I’ll see what I can do about an upgrade. Which cabin are you in?’
‘Business,’ Theo told him, ‘so we’re pretty good.’
‘First is better, if I can swing it.’ He glanced at his watch. ‘I should be going now, there’s a meeting I have to be at. If I don’t see you before, I’ll catch up with you in Hong Kong.’
‘Perhaps we can have dinner, or something,’ Amy suggested, just as Lisa was thinking they were off the hook. ‘We’re staying at the Mandarin Oriental, do you know it?’
Jerry’s smile was wry. ‘I believe I do,’ he replied, and after a brief nod towards Lisa and David, he went on his way.
Looking appropriately shamefaced, Amy turned to David. ‘I’m sorry if I put you on the spot,’ she said, linking his arm. ‘I just saw him, and I didn’t think until it was too late.’
‘It’s fine,’ David assured her. Then to Lisa, ‘What was that about Olivia and a little girl?’
Lisa’s heart turned over. He’d obviously forgotten. ‘It just came out,’ she said, hoping to fudge the issue. ‘I thought I should … Oh great, look, there’s a table coming free, let’s see if we can get it.’
As Amy and Theo surged forward, she took David’s arm and held him back. ‘Olivia’s Jerry’s new partner,’ she whispered, adhering to their new pact that she should tell him when he’d forgotten something. ‘They have a little girl called Chloe.’
His face was starting to pale. ‘I see,’ he murmured. ‘Does Rosalind know about this?’
‘Yes, she does, but that’s enough, we don’t want to spoil our last lunch with Amy and Theo.’ She eased him forward. ‘My concern now,’ she said, ‘is that Rosalind might have told Jerry about you, and if they see him in Hong Kong and he tells them …’
‘Does Rosalind know about me?’
Almost too late to swallow her despair, she said, ‘Yes, you told her last Saturday.’
‘Come on you two, we’re in,’ Amy called out. ‘Shall we have a glass of Prosecco to start?’
Lisa looked at David. ‘If you want to drink, I’ll drive,’ she offered.
‘I’m fine. One glass won’t do any harm.’
‘But you drove here. I think that’s enough. If you get tired …’
‘I’m not an invalid.’
‘No, but we don’t even know if you’re supposed to be driving. We still haven’t heard back from the DVLA.’
‘I hope you two aren’t bickering on our last day,’ Amy chided, coming to get them.
David smiled broadly. ‘I’m being bossed around by your sister and trying to … Well, I’m not …’
‘Oh, I know what a toughie she can be,’ Amy teased. ‘I’m glad to be getting away from it myself.’
‘Believe me, that’s not what she said last night,’ Theo informed them, as they sat down at a window table.
‘Oh, please don’t get me started again,’ Amy protested. ‘The truth is, I’m absolutely dreading going, but on the other hand, if you told me I could change my mind now I know I wouldn’t. How’s that for contrary?’
‘It’s called being a woman,’ Theo quipped. ‘So, have we decided? Proseccos all round?’
‘Proseccos all round,’ David confirmed.
Happy to go along with it, if only to avoid another dispute, Lisa settled herself next to Amy and was just reaching for her hand when Amy’s mobile rang. It turned out to be Roxy, who had to speak to everyone, one by one, returning to her mother at the end, and by the time she rang off their first courses had arrived. Within minutes of getting started Matilda was on the line wanting to speak to everyone too, including David who assured her they hadn’t forgotten they were driving her to the airport at Christmas. Whether he had or not, Lisa couldn’t tell, but she felt proud of the way he’d handled it if he had.
Amy’s and Theo’s phones hardly stopped after that as more friends and family called to wish them bon voyage and good luck, but annoying and disruptive as it was, Lisa couldn’t help feeling relieved to have Amy distracted. If her whole attention were focused on what was happening in front of her, Lisa knew she’d pick up on something right away.
Two hours later they were back at the check-in desk, reloading the luggage on to the weighing belt as the boarding passes were issued. By now Lisa was struggling so hard to keep herself together that she was finding it difficult to speak. Saying goodbye to Amy would never have been easy, but needing her as much as she did now, it was starting to feel like the hardest thing she’d ever had to do. She only had to look at her dear, lively face as she took in everything the clerk was saying, before glancing up at Theo to make sure he was listening too, to want to hug her to within an inch of her life. Everything about her sister was seeming so precious in these moments that it was as though she might be seeing her for the very last time.
The worst of it, she realised, as she watched Amy embracing David at the departure gate, was that this was very probably the last time she would see David as he was now. Heaven only knew how he would be a year or two down the line, unless he persevered with his determination to go to Zurich … Unable to think about tha
t now, she pushed it quickly from her mind.
‘Come here,’ Amy said, tears shining in her eyes as she held her arms wide for Lisa to step into them. ‘I love you so much,’ she murmured, her voice brimming with emotion. ‘I’m really going to miss you, but promise me you’ll come. Soon.’
‘I promise,’ Lisa said, keeping her fingers tightly crossed. ‘Just take care of yourself, OK? And don’t worry about the time zones, if you want to call, pick up the phone.’
‘Same goes for you. Any time, day or night. Keep me in touch with everything you’re doing, because I’ll want to know.’ Then, seeing that David was talking to Theo, she said quietly, ‘Is everything all right between you two?’
Lisa feigned surprise. ‘Of course,’ she replied. ‘And what a time to ask!’
‘I know. I guess you just seem a little tense with each other today, but hey, that happens.’ Cupping Lisa’s face in her hands, she said, ‘You’ll call, won’t you, if anything’s ever bothering you?’
‘I’ll call,’ Lisa promised. Amy had to go now, because if she didn’t there was a very strong chance she’d start begging her to stay.
‘OK, are you ready?’ Theo said, seeing Amy still clinging to Lisa.
‘Go on,’ Lisa whispered raggedly. ‘Call when you get to Hong Kong.’
‘I will,’ Amy assured her, and turning to take Theo’s hand she started to walk in through the fast track, keeping her eyes straight ahead, unable to look back.
Feeling David’s arm go around her, Lisa stifled a sob and leaned in closer to him. ‘There’s nothing to stop you going too,’ he told her.
As her heart expanded with too much emotion, she turned to look at him. ‘Yes there is,’ she whispered, gazing into his eyes, ‘there’s you, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.’
His smile was tender as he put a hand on her cheek. ‘I want you to know,’ he said, ‘that you’re free to change your mind at any time, and if you do I will completely understand.’
Chapter Twenty
MILES WAS FEELING as though he’d been struck. In spite of this being the very fear he hadn’t wanted to name, the worst possible explanation for David’s aberrant behaviour, hearing it, knowing now that it was a reality, was too hard to take in. He wanted to rage out loud in protest, punch someone, kick life in the bollocks and howl with despair. David wasn’t just his boss and mentor, he was his friend, his confidant, his rock-solid, one-way ticket to the top. He couldn’t lose him now, and certainly not to this vile, malevolent disease that had no business afflicting anyone, least of all men with brains as capable and worthy and needed as David’s.
