by Susan Lewis
‘Promise me you won’t ever do anything like that again,’ she demanded, as they walked, arms around one another, to the car park. ‘I was so afraid. When I realised where you’d gone … What the hell were you thinking?’
When he didn’t answer she turned to look up at him, and her heart jarred against a bolt of dismay. ‘David, please tell me you know where you’ve been and what you were doing,’ she urged. ‘You can’t have …’
‘I haven’t forgotten,’ he interrupted quietly.
‘So why did you go without telling me? Don’t you understand how inconsiderate that was?’
‘I knew you wouldn’t come … I wanted the information …’
‘But you got it in an email. I read it last night.’
‘I wanted to see the place … The people …’
Though she was still reeling from it all, she guessed that was a reasonable enough excuse, so decided to let it go for now.
On reaching the car she asked him if he’d like to drive, but he shook his head and slipped into the passenger seat. Going round to the other side she got in, planted her bag next to his feet and was about to start the engine when he said, ‘Catrina would understand.’
Feeling as though she’d been punched, Lisa turned to look at him. ‘Well, I’m sorry I’m not Catrina,’ she said, barely containing her anger, ‘but I’m doing my best here and frankly you’re not making it easy.’ Hot tears started to burn her eyes as more outrage and frustration overcame her. ‘That was a terrible thing to say to me,’ she cried. ‘If you knew how worried I was, Miles too. We were going out of our minds trying to find you, and Tony was nearly on a damned plane before you finally deigned to give anyone a call. Don’t you realise how difficult this is for the rest of us? It’s not just you, you know. We’re all affected by it, because we care for you and we don’t want to lose you – and certainly not in the way you seem to be planning.’
His eyes remained straight ahead as he said, ‘So turning into a vegetable with no faculties or memory or anything that makes a human life worthwhile, would be better?’
‘That’s not what I’m saying. I understand why you want to go on your own terms, I swear I do, but flying off like that was so … selfish, and extreme. It’s hardly been two months since you were diagnosed …’
‘But we don’t know how much time … I have to do it while I still can.’
‘Time is not running out that fast. We need to discuss it, to be sure it’s the right answer … And what about Rosalind? Have you thought about how hurt she’d be if she had any idea where you’ve been?’
Averting his head, he said, ‘I can’t argue with you now.’
Since she didn’t want to carry this on either, she took his hands in hers and leaned over to kiss his cheek. ‘I love you,’ she told him softly, ‘and I don’t mean to …’
‘Who’s Tony?’ he asked.
Tensing as she remembered what she’d said, she turned away to start the engine, hoping he’d let the question go.
It was as they joined the M4 that he asked it again.
‘It’s Tony Sommerville,’ she answered briefly.
‘Do I know him?’
‘No, you don’t.’
‘So why was he … ?’
‘I called him last night because he was the first person …’ How could she tell him that her ex had returned to being her first port of call in a crisis? ‘Because I thought he would be able to stop you.’
‘But who … ?’
‘He’s the man I was involved with before I met you.’
For a long time he said nothing, then taking out his notebook he asked her to spell Sommerville.
Chapter Twenty-Two
IT WAS ON Christmas Eve that David informed Lisa he would be going to Rosalind’s for lunch the following day.
‘I’ll be back for dinner,’ he assured her, ‘but …’
‘Absolutely no way!’ she cut in furiously. ‘This is our first Christmas as husband and wife so the hell am I going to let you leave me here on my own.’
His face was pinched. ‘I said I’ll be back …’
‘And I said no. My mother and niece have gone to Australia and all my friends will have made other arrangements by now … Anyway, that’s beside the point. I want to spend Christmas Day with you, here in our new home, next to our lovely tree …’ Tears were blurring her eyes, making her angrier than ever, and slamming a hand on the counter top she cried, ‘I can’t believe you’re putting her first. I’m your wife, for God’s sake. Don’t I count?’
‘Of course you do, and it’s … I’m not putting her first. I need to be with you both and this is the only way I can see of doing it.’
In spite of how torn and helpless he looked, or maybe because of it, she felt her frustration deepening. ‘We’d all be together,’ she shouted, ‘if you’d put your damned foot down and stop letting her control you.’
‘She’s my daughter,’ he said quietly. ‘I have to spend some time with her.’
‘Then go on Boxing Day. Better still, invite her here and make her talk to me, because we – you – can’t go on like this. It’s crazy, insane, and I don’t think I can take much more of it.’
Putting a hand to his head, he said, ‘I know you’re right but … I still don’t think she’s ready for it yet. She can be very … I don’t want her to hurt you.’
Lisa was shaking with outrage. ‘So you’ll do it for her by leaving me on my own tomorrow,’ she yelled, ‘while she’s got her aunt and cousin and son and heaven only knows who else around her table?’
‘Dee’s gone to Spain with Wills and … his girlfriend.’ His eyes were pleading for her to understand as he said, ‘It’ll only be for a couple of hours, and I’ll try to talk to her then about us all getting together.’
She wanted to fight this and win, to make him see that this wasn’t the right decision, but she felt suddenly too exhausted to go on. ‘Don’t think this is over yet,’ she warned him angrily, and snatching up her mobile she stormed upstairs to shut herself in the bedroom.
She knew it was the relentless strain of it all that was making her overemotional and weighing her down physically, but knowing it wasn’t helping to prevent it. She’d even considered going to the doctor to get some sort of tonic to boost her energy, which in turn might help her morale, but she’d been so busy lately trying to set up David’s new charity, researching how she was going to get them both through the weeks, months, years to come and sorting out a romantic Christmas à deux, that she hadn’t even had time to make an appointment. Maybe she would once the holiday was over. Meanwhile, she was damned if she was going to let Rosalind ride roughshod over her plans for tomorrow. For all she knew this could be the last Christmas David would be functioning this well – though she didn’t really think he’d decline that quickly – but who knew? And anyway, there was no getting away from the fact that this was their first Christmas as a married couple – and in this house which she’d decorated so beautifully – so it surely couldn’t be unreasonable, or selfish, to want him to spend it with her, especially when Rosalind had had him for the last twenty or more Christmases without a break, thank you very much.
By the time he came up to bed Lisa was in such a deep sleep that she had no idea he was there, until she woke in the early hours to find him lying next to her, staring into the darkness.
Forgetting for the moment that they’d argued, she reached out to touch his face. ‘Are you all right?’ she murmured.
‘Mm, I’m fine,’ he whispered, raising an arm for her to snuggle in closer. When she was settled he pressed a kiss to her forehead and said, ‘Go back to sleep.’
Though she could tell he was upset and worried, and she was now remembering that she’d caused this, her eyes were so heavy and the tiredness inside her so dark and consuming that she couldn’t manage another word before sinking back into oblivion.
When she woke up in the morning she still felt tired, and her muscles ached so badly that she could hardly make a
move to get up. When she tried, such a powerful wave of dizziness swept over her that for one awful moment she thought she was going to faint. Then, realising her throat was on fire and her head was throbbing, she sank back against the pillows and pulled the duvet up to her chin. She had no idea what time it was, or where David might be, but for the moment she hardly had the energy to care. All she wanted was to go back to sleep.
When she finally woke up again David was sitting on the edge of the bed, fully dressed and looking concerned.
‘Are you OK?’ he asked gently. ‘I tried to wake you, but you were dead to the world.’
‘I think I might have flu,’ she rasped.
He nodded agreement. ‘Can I bring you something?’ he offered.
She shook her head. ‘What time is it?’
‘Almost midday.’
Startled, she turned to look at the clock.
‘Merry Christmas,’ he whispered with a smile.
Feeling her heart somersault as the memories of yesterday came flooding back, she said, ‘Are you still going to Rosalind’s?’
‘I am, but …’
She put up a hand. ‘I don’t want to hear your excuses,’ she told him hoarsely. ‘This is where you should be today, with me, not with her. You can always go there tomorrow, or the next day …’
‘She’s expecting me now.’
‘And of course, we can’t let her down, can we?’ she retorted, the bitterness exacerbated by the soreness in her throat.
‘I’ll be back by six,’ he promised.
‘Six!’ she tried to shout. ‘I thought you were going for a couple of hours, and in case you hadn’t noticed I’m not very well.’
He looked suitably guilty. ‘You need to sleep,’ he told her, ‘you won’t even know I’ve gone.’
‘Yes I will, and six o’clock isn’t acceptable.’
With a sigh he said, ‘We probably won’t eat until three, and I can’t just get up and leave as soon as I’ve finished.’
Realising if he ate that late she’d be wasting her time if she tried to force herself up to prepare something for when he came back, she could only wish she had the strength to shake him, or scream at him, or damned well walk out and leave him. But she was too incapacitated by the heaviness in her limbs, and so very close to tears that all she could do was say, ‘You’re weak, David, and insensitive, and if you cared about me at all you wouldn’t be doing this.’
‘I care about you more than anything,’ he said softly, ‘but please try to understand that I care about my daughter and grandson too.’
Accepting that she wasn’t going to change his mind, she turned her back and pressed her face into the pillow, wishing she was anywhere right now rather than here.
‘I’ll bring you some hot water and honey,’ he told her, and getting up from the bed he quietly left the room.
Several minutes later she heard the front door closing, followed by the garage doors opening. Apparently he’d forgotten about her drink and for some reason that upset her even more than the fact that he’d gone, and as tears streamed down her cheeks she felt so sorry for herself and furious with him that if she had had the energy she would have rung Tony to ask him to come and collect her. Except he was skiing in Gstaad, and she wished to God that she was there too, living it up in their old carefree way, anything rather than be trapped here by a fever and self-pity and the whole damned nightmare her life had become.
‘This isn’t a marriage,’ she rasped down the phone to Amy when she got her on the line later. ‘It’s just a joke that someone up there is having on me – and now I feel utterly terrible for saying that, because how can my problems even begin to compare to his?’
‘It’s not a contest,’ Amy reminded her, ‘and for what it’s worth, I think he made a wrong call today by going to Rosalind’s, but that’s where he is and frankly, you sound so terrible I think you should just get yourself back into bed.’
‘That’s where I am, but I’m so hungry I could eat an entire turkey all to myself. Oh God,’ she wailed as her eyes welled up at the thought of the day she’d planned. ‘Why am I sitting here on my own and you’re over there and he’s chosen to be with his daughter? Nothing’s making sense any more and I wish I’d never got married, which isn’t to say I don’t love him, because I do, but I’m so angry with him about today …’
‘Lisa, you’re so obviously not well that you have to try to forget it’s Christmas Day and get some more sleep.’
‘I haven’t spoken to Mum yet, or Roxy.’
‘OK, I’ll put them on, but promise me when you’ve finished you’ll do as you’re told.’
In a wavery voice Lisa said, ‘OK, I promise. I wish you were here.’
‘I wish I was too, but I’m not, so just call whenever you want, but get some more sleep first.’
It was almost three o’clock by the time Lisa woke up again, achy and hot, but after taking a few minutes to assess how she was feeling – apart from horribly neglected – she decided she might have the strength to go downstairs. She had to eat something or she really would faint, and right now she’d trade her own mother for a slice of toast.
After pulling on an old tracksuit and wincing painfully as she dragged a brush through her hair, she went down to the kitchen to raid the fridge. To her surprise she found a plate of smoked salmon, covered in film, laid out on a tray with a cup of water, now gone cold, smelling of honey and lemon. So he had made her drink, and had even thought to bring her something to eat, he’d just forgotten to take it upstairs.
Feeling herself back at the brink of tears, she tore off a sheet of kitchen roll to dab her eyes and blow her nose. Then, opening the card he’d left for her, she read what he’d written and started to sob.
I don’t wish to make you sad, or to force you to think of days beyond today,
But while clarity is still my friend I have a favour to ask:
When I go, would you mind if I took a little something of you with me?
Nothing that you would miss, or couldn’t easily spare;
Just the memory of your smile, or the scent of your skin, or a precious little soupçon of that magical something that is the essence of you?
It wasn’t the first note he’d written her like this, but it was certainly the most beautiful, and remembering how angry she’d been before he left was making her cry all the harder. This was the strangest and loneliest Christmas she’d ever spent, and she could only hope that she never had another like it, especially as her stomach was now starting to churn and she was very much afraid she might be about to throw up.
However, the nausea soon passed, leaving her with a raging hunger again, so after making another drink and forgoing the toast because of her throat, she carried the plate of salmon into the sitting room where she found the fire set, ready to light, and the tree lights on, so the place looked wonderfully seasonal and cosy. It seemed everything was going to make her cry today, so she simply let the tears roll and reminded herself that at least the time was passing, and he’d be back soon. She just hoped he remembered he’d said six and didn’t come any later, but even if he did she must try not to start another row about being left on her own, or the day would be ruined completely.
Finding nothing she wanted to watch on TV she rang Amy and the others again, then rather morbidly, or even masochistically she decided on reflection, she put on their wedding video. Strangely this didn’t make her cry, probably because it was like watching some bizarre episode in a drama that had lost its way. How had so much happiness and so many dreams managed to turn to dust in such a short space of time?
Ho! Ho! Ho! Happy Christmas, Lisa and David. How are you enjoying this crazy new journey life is taking you on?
When David finally came home, at a quarter to six, Lisa was fast asleep again, curled up under a blanket on the sofa with an old black and white film playing on the TV. She didn’t hear him come in, nor did she register the TV going off, or stir when he covered her with a duvet. She only knew he was th
ere when she finally woke up around two in the morning to find him standing at the window, gazing out at a moon that was little more than a smudge in the sky.
Wrapping herself in the duvet, she forced herself to her feet and went to stand next to him. ‘You shouldn’t be up,’ he told her, pulling her against him.
She tried to say she was fine, but it turned out her voice had gone.
‘I wonder if that’s what’s happening to my mind,’ he said, still gazing at the moon. ‘Everything getting hazier and hazier until finally it isn’t there any more.’
Unable to speak she simply stood holding him, feeling the ache in her heart growing with each minute that passed. She’d have given anything to be able to take back how angry she’d been earlier, because she’d known then and was being reminded now that even after their follow-up visit to Dr Manning a week ago, when she’d assured him that the latest CT scans were indicating that the medication had started to work, his depression hadn’t shown any signs of lifting. Ever since his trip to Zurich he’d become increasingly withdrawn, with precious few moments like this scattered like jewels over the darkness.
Chapter Twenty-Three
DAVID WAS IN the waiting room of the Kirby company offices in the centre of Bristol. After being laid low with the flu virus that had kept Lisa in bed for most of Christmas and him until after the New Year, he was finally up and about again and able to get on with the reason he was here. He’d chosen a day and time when he knew the staff wouldn’t yet be back from their seasonal break, and while Lisa was at Heathrow collecting her mother and Roxy. This way he wouldn’t have to tell her where he was going, or whom he was meeting.
He’d given a great deal of thought to what he was doing, and had made copious notes in order to keep himself on track. At first he’d considered asking Miles or Jerry to help him, but realising they’d feel compelled to talk to Lisa or Rosalind before committing themselves, he’d decided that there were actually many more reasons to turn to the man who was staring at him now as if one or other of them had gone mad.
