by Susan Lewis
Lisa’s eyes came desperately to his. No! No! No! ‘I understand what you’re saying,’ she gasped, ‘but … Oh my God …’ I can’t do this. I don’t have it in me to let him go.
‘Take your time,’ he said kindly. ‘Nothing has to be done right away. Would you like me to speak to his daughter?’
Lisa’s heart turned over. How the hell was Rosalind going to take this? She’d never let it happen, never. Yet she too would be bound by David’s will. They really didn’t have a choice. ‘If you wouldn’t mind,’ she said in a whisper.
A few minutes later, after being summoned by a nurse, Rosalind came into the waiting room looking as though she might fall to pieces if anyone as much as touched her. When her eyes went briefly to Lisa, Lisa detected no malice or hostility, only fear and the telltale shadows of a sleepless night. Her freckles, Lisa thought, seemed oddly larger, which made her appear even more vulnerable than she was obviously feeling.
As the professor started to repeat his advice Lisa hid her face, unable to bear the hunted look that was coming over Rosalind’s. He didn’t get far before Rosalind shouted, ‘No! It’s not going to happen. I’m not even going to talk about it. He’s my father, and I’m telling you he will recover.’
‘Rosalind …’ Lisa began.
‘Don’t speak to me!’ Rosalind seethed. ‘Don’t utter one single word. She wants him dead,’ she shouted at the professor, ‘and if you’re going to side with her I swear I’ll sue you and this hospital out of existence.’
Apparently unruffled, he said, ‘I believe your father has made …’
‘I’m not listening,’ she cried, grabbing Lawrence. ‘Come on, we’re going to sit with David. We have to make sure these people don’t get near him.’
After the door closed behind her Lisa said, ‘I’m sorry. I … She’s very close to him …’
‘It’s all right, I know these decisions are difficult. Does she know about his living will?’
‘I’m not sure. If she does, she obviously doesn’t want to.’
‘Perhaps you can try talking to her again later.’
Lisa shook her head. ‘She’ll never listen to me. She thinks … Well, you heard what she said.’
His eyes were sympathetic. ‘You realise that as his wife, his next of kin, you can act without her agreement?’
Feeling certain she never would, Lisa said, ‘We don’t have to make a decision today, do we?’
‘No, of course not. I’ll see if I can have another chat with her once she’s had some time to try and get used to the situation.’
Much later in the day Dee and Miles returned from the ICU to find Lisa with Tony, her mother and Roxy in the cafeteria. ‘If you go down now,’ Dee said, ‘you should be able to sit with him.’
Heaving a sigh of relief, Lisa said, ‘Have you spoken to her? Where is she?’
‘She’s in the waiting room, asleep. She’s exhausted, poor lamb.’
Having no doubt of it, Lisa got up from the table and made her way to the door. There was so much she wanted to say to David, the words crowding in so fast that she could barely contain them. She needed him to understand how happy she was to have married him, and how much she loved him and always would. She wanted him to know that she would treasure their memories, their dreams and every single minute they’d spent together. She was going to carry on the work he’d started to help people with dementia, she would devote all her time to it, and call it the David Kirby Trust. She was even considering donating the house as a place for those with early onset to see out their days, because she knew already that she couldn’t live there without him.
Most of all though, she wanted to tell him about the baby.
When she reached the unit she found the nurses at their station and Lawrence sitting alone next to David’s bed. Realising he was speaking she hung back, not wishing to interrupt. At first she couldn’t make out what he was saying, but as his words became clearer, she felt her emotions starting to tighten her throat. He was obviously listing creatures they’d seen together at the zoo, or maybe around the lake.
‘… and then there was the natterer’s bat, the whiskered bat and the barbastelle bat. Mum didn’t like them, but Granny thought they were cute. She liked the birds too. The pied flycatcher, the redstart, the siskin, and you saw a short-eared owl …’ As he mimicked the raspy cry of the bird, Lisa pressed a hand to her mouth to stifle a sob. With all her heart she hoped David could hear this peculiar little recital. ‘Shall I tell you what we saw at the museum next?’ Lawrence asked, his curly head tilting from side to side as his legs swung back and forth over the floor. ‘Alfred the gorilla, a thylacine, a kakapo …’ As his list grew longer Lisa went to stand quietly behind him, her heart breaking to see how sunken and frail David appeared, attached to so many wires and tubes like a lifeless puppet. She felt suddenly panicked, because he didn’t seem to be there any more, and she hadn’t had a chance to say goodbye. She needed to be alone with him, but Lawrence was still in full flow and she didn’t have the heart to send him away. It wouldn’t have been what David wanted, she felt sure of it, so in the end she went over to Kathy the nurse to ask if Professor Cross had managed to speak to Rosalind again.
‘He came back about fifteen minutes ago,’ Kathy told her, ‘but she was asleep so we didn’t wake her.’
Feeling helpless and bereft, Lisa turned away, intending to return to David’s side, but the waiting-room door opened and seeing Rosalind, tousled and weary, she stayed where she was, unsure what to say or do.
Spotting Lisa, Rosalind blanched. Then her eyes shot to her father, as though making sure he was still there. ‘I told you,’ she said to Kathy, ‘you mustn’t let her near him. She wants to kill him …’
‘Ssh, ssh,’ Kathy soothed, going to her. ‘Please keep your voice down, there are other patients …’
‘I’m sorry,’ Rosalind mumbled, ‘but I’m afraid of what she might do.’
‘Rosalind, for heaven’s sake,’ Lisa said, ‘I’d never do anything to hurt him, or to hurt you.’
‘Then why is he lying there? Why is the doctor trying to tell me he can’t pull through? I know you’re behind it …’
Interrupting before Lisa could, Kathy said, ‘You have to go back into the waiting room if you want to continue this.’
‘I don’t need to speak to her. I know what she’s going to say …’
‘Rosalind, please,’ Lisa implored. ‘Whether you like it or not, we have to talk.’
Kathy said firmly, ‘You have to sort things out in a way that’s best for your dad.’
Clasping her hands to her head, Rosalind cried, ‘You don’t understand, any of you. I can’t let him go. He means everything to me …’
‘I know that,’ Lisa told her, ‘and you do to him. God knows, I don’t want to lose him either,’ she said, starting to cry, ‘but we can’t think about ourselves now.’
‘You can, because that’s the only person you ever think about,’ Rosalind shouted, as Kathy eased her into the waiting room.
‘I swear to you, Rosalind, if I didn’t know what he’d put in his living will I wouldn’t …’
‘He only put it because you made him,’ Rosalind choked hysterically. ‘He’s a fighter. He wouldn’t want to give up without trying.’
‘But what would he be fighting for? To live out his days with dementia? He’s already been to Switzerland to try to set up that way out …’
‘No!’ Rosalind yelled, covering her ears. ‘He would never do that without telling me.’
‘He didn’t tell you because he knew how much it would upset you.’
Rosalind was shaking her head, shaking and shaking.
‘This has been very hard for him,’ Lisa told her. ‘The last thing he ever wanted was to let you and Lawrence down, but there’s no cure for what he has, and he was afraid of becoming a burden to us.’
‘He’d never be that for me. I’ll take care of him …’
‘It’s not what he wants. The indignity, the
suffering, the years he would take from your life … He would hate it, Rosalind, and in your heart I know you know it.’
‘Stop!’ Rosalind cried. ‘Don’t tell me what I know when you don’t have the first idea about anything. Why don’t you just go? Go on, get out of here. You’ve done enough damage to our lives, we don’t need any more.’
Coming back into the room Kathy said, ‘Rosalind, I have to ask you again to keep your voice down.’
‘Then make her go,’ Rosalind shouted. ‘She’s only here to try and convince everyone she cares, when all she really wants is to switch off his life support so she can get on with her own life. Well, I’m not going to let her.’
Seeing Lisa’s distress, Kathy said, ‘Rosalind, please calm down. You’re not helping yourself, or anyone else, least of all your father, being like this.’
‘I know, I know,’ Rosalind sobbed helplessly, ‘but I can’t do it. I can’t let him go.’ Her eyes came desperately to Lisa’s. ‘Please don’t make me,’ she begged. ‘Please. I love him so much, and I know what you’re saying is right, but I can’t do it. I just can’t.’
With tears streaming down her own cheeks, Lisa wrapped her arms around Rosalind and held her tight. ‘I know, I understand,’ she said, ‘and we don’t have to do anything now. We can talk about it, and decide when we think the time is right.’
Rosalind nodded. ‘Yes, yes, let’s do that. Please tell me that you love him.’
‘Of course I love him. You know him, how could I not?’
‘He’s very special.’
‘I know.’
‘Oh God, please help me!’
Lisa tightened her embrace, and through her own despair she felt relieved to the very depths of her heart that Rosalind wasn’t trying to push her away. They needed to come together for this, or getting through it would prove almost impossible – and it was only now that she realised the final word had to be Rosalind’s, because she herself hadn’t known David long enough for it to be hers.
On returning to her station, Kathy glanced over to David’s bed and noticed that Lawrence was no longer there. Then confusion hit like a hammer, turning rapidly to disbelief as she realised the machines behind David’s bed had fallen silent. It wasn’t possible. An alarm sounded if anything went wrong, but as she rushed over to check what was happening she could see already that none of the equipment was working. Then she spotted Lawrence under the bed with his legs crossed and his head clamped in his hands. If the power was disconnected, how could an alarm ring?
‘Oh my God,’ Kathy murmured. ‘Lawrence, what have you done?’
She didn’t wait for an answer. She raced back to her station to call for backup, then returned swiftly to the bed. Lawrence was still under it, rocking back and forth and humming, while David lay above him, still attached to all his lifelines and breathing softly. He could so easily be sleeping, but she knew even if he were to wake up, which wasn’t likely, he’d have no normal brain function at all.
Without giving herself any more time to think, she returned to the waiting room and said to Rosalind and Lisa, ‘I need to tell you that Lawrence has disconnected the power to David’s machines.’
Rosalind gave a cry of shock, but as she started forward, Kathy put up a hand. ‘There’s still time to reconnect him,’ she said, ‘help is on its way, but this could … You might not want to make the decision this quickly, but there is …’
Letting the sentence hang, she went back into the unit just as the emergency backup team arrived.
Rosalind looked at Lisa, whose face had turned ashen. She was saying something, but Lisa wasn’t quite hearing it. Then it reached her. ‘If it has to be done,’ Rosalind was whispering raggedly, ‘then maybe … Oh Dad!’ she cried. ‘Am I doing the right thing?’ She gulped for air. ‘Maybe we should let it be now,’ she said to Lisa.
No, no, no, Lisa was crying inside. I’ve had no time with him. I need to tell him about the baby and that I love him and I’m going to miss him so much I just can’t bear it. Her stricken eyes went to Rosalind, and what she said was, ‘I think we should say goodbye together.’
Seeing them come out of the waiting room, Kathy murmured to the backup team to stop. She eased them away from the bed as Rosalind and Lisa came to stand beside David.
Knowing that she didn’t have to be concerned about the tubes any more, Lisa lifted David’s hand and held it against her, as she said in a voice that was shredded with grief, ‘I’m here, my darling, with Rosalind. I know it will make you happy to think of us together. We understand why you’ve chosen to leave now rather than come back to us, but I’m going to miss you so much.’ Sensing Rosalind turning away, she leaned in closer and whispered, ‘You’ve given me so much, David, but the most precious gift of all …’ She broke off, her words blocked by tears. ‘We’re going to have a baby,’ she finally managed in a voice that was barely audible. ‘Isn’t that wonderful? Thank you so much, my darling.’ She took another breath as more emotion engulfed her. ‘I want you to know that I’ll love it and take care of it,’ she whispered shakily, ‘and I’ll make sure it always knows you’re its dad and how special you are. Oh David, I love you with all my heart. You’ve made me a better and a stronger person. I just wish we’d had more time …’ She couldn’t say any more, her heart was too full and her throat too tight.
She turned to find Rosalind at the nurse’s station with her face buried in Kathy’s shoulder. Whether she’d overheard anything was doubtful, since she was too far away.
Realising she could speak to her father now, Rosalind stepped forward and tried but failed to keep her voice steady as she took his hand and said, ‘Daddy, I know this is what you want, but please forgive me for not wanting it too. I can’t imagine my life without you and Mummy, but I’m going to do my best to be strong for Lawrence. He’s here, under the bed, listening to us. He’s far braver than I am, because he found the courage to do what you wanted. You’ve always been his very special friend, the one who understood him the best, and now I think perhaps he understood you too.’ As her emotions threatened to choke her, she struggled for control. ‘Daddy, I love you so much,’ she gasped. ‘Thank you for giving me such a wonderful life and I’m sorry for all the heartache I’ve caused you. God bless you, my darling. You’ll always mean the whole world to me,’ and as she stooped over him sobbing, Lisa held her and cried too, neither of them aware of Professor Cross coming into the unit behind them until he whispered gently, ‘He’s gone.’
Chapter Twenty-Five
THREE DAYS LATER Rosalind was walking along the lake shore, wrapped warmly in the dusky pink coat her father had always liked, and a black woollen scarf that sparkled in the winter sun. The sky was a pristine blue, while underfoot the ground was crisped by a glistening white frost. This was a trail she’d trodden often with her parents, and it seemed fitting to follow it today, winding through winter-bare copses and crossing the marshy inlets via old wooden bridges.
Her mobile began to ring for the third time in as many minutes, but she’d already decided that the only person she wanted to speak to this morning was here, walking with her.
‘Maybe you should check to see who it is,’ Lisa suggested, as they came out into a meadow. ‘I’m sure everyone’s worried about you, and if you didn’t tell them where you were going …’
Accepting that she was probably right, Rosalind took out her phone and seeing it was Jerry she felt tempted to go on ignoring it. However, to continue avoiding him would serve no purpose, and feeling unexpectedly more confident with Lisa beside her she clicked on with a brief ‘Hello?’
‘At last,’ he sighed in relief. ‘I’ve been trying to get hold of you. Why didn’t you return my calls?’
She didn’t answer, because he’d surely have known why without having to be told.
‘Rosalind, I’m so sorry,’ he said earnestly. ‘When I heard … It was such a shock. How are you? Is there anything I can do?’
‘You already have, thank you,’ she told him. He pr
obably wouldn’t fully understand that, but it didn’t matter, she did, which was all that counted now. ‘It’s good of you to offer your condolences,’ she said.
‘But of course I would. He meant a great deal to me, I’m sure you know that. And I’d like to come to the funeral … I mean, if it’s all right with you.’
Was it all right with her? Did she want him around as a reminder of the past when they’d been happy, all of them, with no idea of what the future held? Desertion, dementia, death. Did all bad things begin with D? ‘I’ll make sure someone lets you know when and where it is once it’s all finalised,’ she heard herself saying. ‘I hope you’re not thinking of bringing …’
‘Oh no, no, no,’ he assured her. ‘That wouldn’t be appropriate at all.’
‘Exactly.’ Then, because she thought he ought to know, ‘Ben Fortune will be there as my partner.’
There was a pause before he said, ‘Is this someone … Do I know him?’
‘I’ve no idea, Jerry.’ Did it matter? Did she care? ‘Thank you for your call. I won’t forget to let you know when we have a date and time.’
As she rang off she felt Lisa glance at her, but kept her eyes straight ahead, squinting against the sun as she said, ‘Thank you again for letting me organise the funeral. It means a great deal to me.’
Having felt certain it would, and knowing it was very probably what David would have wanted, Lisa said, ‘You know I’ll do anything I can to help.’
‘Thank you,’ Rosalind said again, sounding stiffer than she’d have liked, but holding in so much grief wasn’t easy. This was a world without her father in it, a life that would be empty without him. She looked around and saw a field where only his ghost would wander now, a valley where the memory of him would linger for a while and eventually fade. She couldn’t bear it. Everything felt wrong. She couldn’t lift her eyes to the sky, but she was aware of it, dazzling and clear, and she prayed that he was up there somewhere with her mother, otherwise there would seem no point to anything any more. And yet this woman walking beside her, his new wife, would that be what she wanted? Surely not.
