by Susan Lewis
‘David, Oh God, David,’ she cried silently. ‘Why didn’t I insist on going to Dr Knoyle this morning? She might have been able to prevent this.’
Closing her eyes, she let her head fall back against the wall. The bleeps and hisses of life-support machines in the unit next door were coming to her in muted gasps. The occasional squeal of a rubber sole, the distant bell of a lift, the ghostly thudding of her heart. How much longer were they going to keep her waiting like this? She needed to know what was happening to him.
She stood up, walked across the room and back again. There was a TV in one corner, piles of magazines stacked on a table, a box of toys stuffed under two of the chairs, a fridge … She tried to think about the other people who’d been here, the families and loved ones who’d paced as she was pacing now, but the momentary distraction offered no comfort at all.
The door opened, and she went rigid with dread as a nurse came in.
‘I’m Kathy,’ the nurse smiled, ‘and I guess you must be Lisa?’
How did she know that? Maybe David had told her. Hope sprang eternal. ‘Yes, yes I am,’ she said. ‘Where’s David? Is he all right? Can I see him?’
‘They’re bringing him up now,’ Kathy told her.
‘Was it … Is it a stroke?’
‘The doctor will explain everything. Is there anything I can get you?’
Lisa shook her head. She was waiting for Kathy to say it would be all right, or that there was no need to worry, but she was going to the fridge where she took out a packet of tea bags and a jar of coffee. ‘There’s milk and sugar,’ she said, ‘so feel free to help yourself.’
When she’d gone Lisa stood staring at the Nescaff.
They were bringing him up, Kathy had said, so he was still … She took a gulp of air. He was on his way here. She’d be able to tell him her news after all.
Hearing voices outside, she went to open the door. The grim, hypnotic rhythm of the machines grew louder. Two nurses were speaking quietly together, neither of them Kathy. They turned around, but not to her, to the lift where a trolley cluttered with tubes and bags all connected to a prone body was being carefully manoeuvred on to the floor.
Lisa’s heart leapt to her throat. Was it him? ‘David,’ she gasped, as they wheeled him past.
His eyes were closed; his skin looked waxen and old. He was attached to a ventilator and some kind of monitor that might have been for his heart, but what did she know?
‘You can have a few minutes with him before we put in the lines,’ Kathy came to tell her.
Lisa looked at her blankly. ‘Lines?’ she repeated.
Kathy only smiled, as though knowing that even if she answered Lisa wouldn’t be able to take it in.
David was being moved carefully on to a narrow bed. Behind it was a bank of monitors, and other equipment, but Lisa couldn’t take her eyes off him.
‘Can he hear me?’ she asked as Kathy raised the cot sides.
‘He’s been sedated,’ Kathy replied. ‘Professor Cross is on his way.’
Lisa moved closer to the bed and put her hand on David’s. She only realised then how badly she was shaking. ‘It’s all right,’ she whispered, barely hearing herself above the hiss and puff of the ventilator, ‘they’re taking care of you, and I’ll be right here. Rosalind’s on her way. She should be here any minute.’
The only movement was his chest rising and falling as the machine puffed and sucked air in and out of him. There was nothing to say he knew she was there, but she felt certain that on some level he must.
She was aware of people moving behind her, and wanted to shield him from them, even though they were probably there to help.
‘Lisa?’ She turned round, and seeing her mother’s stricken face she gave a frightened sob.
‘There, there, it’s going to be all right,’ Matilda soothed, taking Lisa in her arms.
Roxy hugged them both with her cheek pressed against Lisa’s. ‘I called Mum,’ she said. ‘She’s ready to get on the next plane if you want her to.’
Lisa turned back to David. ‘He won’t be here for long,’ she said determinedly.
‘Mrs Kirby? Lisa?’
They looked round to find a thickset man with weathered cheeks and rimless glasses at the foot of the bed. ‘Joseph Cross,’ he told her. ‘I’m the neurospecialist in charge of your husband’s case.’
Lisa’s heart skipped a beat. For a moment she didn’t know what to say, then decided she should introduce her mother and Roxy.
Cross smiled politely in their direction. Then holding out an arm, directing them away from the bed, he said, ‘They need to insert the lines now. We can talk over here.’
With a deadening sense of dread weighting her movements, Lisa forced herself to follow.
‘The radiographer’s provisional report is showing that your husband has suffered …’ He broke off at the sound of the lift doors opening and someone running towards them.
‘Where is he?’ Rosalind cried, pulling Lawrence behind her. ‘Can I see him? Please! Please. He’s my dad.’ She was so pale and distraught that Lisa almost couldn’t bear to look at her.
‘This is Rosalind Sewell, my husband’s daughter,’ Lisa told the doctor.
Rosalind’s eyes were fixed on his face. ‘Is he all right? He’s going to be fine, isn’t he?’
‘The doctor was about to tell us what happened,’ Lisa said gently.
Professor Cross smiled down at Lawrence, who stared glumly back. Then to Lisa and Rosalind he said, ‘David has suffered a massive haemorrhage in one of the vessels in his head. We’ve managed to stabilise him, so the bleeding has stopped now, but I’m afraid the damage is substantial.’
Rosalind looked panicked. ‘What does that mean? What damage? I don’t understand what you’re saying.’
His voice was very kind as he said, ‘Your father has had a massive stroke, from which I’m afraid he’s unlikely to recover.’
Rosalind turned deathly white. Then she started to shout. ‘No! No, no! You don’t understand …’
Lisa tried to go to her, but Rosalind slapped her away. ‘This is your fault!’ she yelled. ‘If it weren’t for you this …’
‘Please,’ Cross interrupted, ‘this isn’t anyone’s fault. We’re going to do everything we can, naturally, but in cases like this we usually advise loved ones to prepare for the worst.’
‘No! No!’ Rosalind wailed, almost collapsing to her knees.
Roxy went to catch her, but Rosalind pushed her away. ‘Where is he? Please let me see him,’ she implored. ‘He’ll listen to me, I know he will.’
‘The nurse is connecting him to a life-support system,’ Cross told her. ‘As soon as that’s done, you can approach the bed.’ He looked at Lisa. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said quietly.
His words sounded so final that Lisa wanted to pull him back and make him change them. She wasn’t ready for this, nor was David. It was all too soon.
‘What are those things?’ Rosalind was asking the nurse. ‘What are you doing?’
‘This is David’s daughter,’ Lisa explained, when Kathy turned round.
Kathy’s face instantly softened. ‘I’m just making sure he’s comfortable,’ she told her, ‘and getting everything he needs.’
She turned as another doctor approached, then seeming to understand what he wanted she said, ‘I’m afraid we can only allow two at a time around the bed.’
Lisa looked at Rosalind, whose eyes were fixed on her father. Lawrence was gazing in fascination at the machinery, seeming to track each lead and tube from one end to the other. She knew David would want to hear them, if he could, so she sent him a silent message to let him know that she wouldn’t be far away, and said to Rosalind, ‘I’ll be in the waiting room,’ but if Rosalind heard she gave no sign of it.
Going close to the bed, Rosalind touched her fingers to her father’s cheek as she said, ‘Hello, Daddy, it’s me. Lawrence is here too. We came as soon as we heard … Oh Daddy, please wake up. We need you so much and
we love you so, so much. Can you hear me? I think you can. You’re there, really, aren’t you? You always are. Oh, Daddy, I don’t know what to do. Please tell me what I have to do.’
Becoming aware of Lawrence standing next to her, she turned to him and tried to smile through her tears. ‘Why don’t you talk to him?’ she said.
Lawrence’s eyes grew round. ‘Lucy’s having her teeth cleaned,’ he said. Then after baring his own, ‘Can you wake up now? Please?’
Rosalind turned back to her father and had to stifle a sob. He seemed so diminished by the equipment he was attached to, so dependent and unlike the capable man she’d always known.
In the waiting room Lisa sat quietly with her mother and Roxy. There wasn’t much to be said. All they could do was wait and pray to a god Lisa wasn’t even sure she believed in that David wasn’t suffering any more than he already had.
‘Are you all right?’ her mother asked after a while. ‘You look all in.’
Lisa glanced at her and gave a small shake of her head.
‘She shouldn’t have blamed you,’ Matilda said.
Sensing where this was heading, Lisa said, ‘Leave it, Mum.’
‘But how can it have been your fault?’
‘Mum, please. This is difficult enough. He’s her father, remember?’
‘And he’s your husband. Doesn’t she know how much he means to you?’
‘She doesn’t want to know, and now isn’t the time to try telling her, so please, let it go.’
With a sigh, Matilda clasped Roxy’s hand more tightly in her own. ‘What are you going to do,’ she asked after a while, ‘if he doesn’t …’
Getting to her feet, Lisa said, ‘Mum, I’m sorry, I can’t deal with your questions now.’
As she left the room, Matilda said shakily to Roxy, ‘This is very hard on her. They’ve only been married a few months and what she’s had to put up with in that time … Dear, oh dear … He was such a lovely man …’
‘Gran,’ Roxy whispered, ‘he’s still with us.’
Matilda blinked. ‘Yes, yes of course,’ she said, colouring. ‘I just can’t help wondering, you know, if this mightn’t be a blessing in disguise.’
Roxy cast her a glance. ‘Whatever you do,’ she told her, ‘please don’t let Lisa hear you say that.’
Chapter Twenty-Four
AT TEN O’CLOCK that night when ICU visiting hours were over, they were all sent gently on their way, being assured that if anything happened before two the following afternoon they would be contacted right away. However, neither the specialist, nor the intensivist on duty, anticipated any change at this stage.
Dee and Miles had arrived by now, and each had taken a turn to sit with Rosalind next to her father, while Lawrence joined Lisa and the others in the waiting room. Sensing his frustration and boredom, Roxy had taken him up to the cafeteria a couple of times, and once for a walk round the block, but the weather was so foul outside, with sleeting rain and wind, that they didn’t venture out again until it was time to go home.
Having spent no time with David herself was quietly breaking Lisa’s heart, but the last thing she wanted was for some kind of showdown to erupt between her and Rosalind next to his bed.
‘I’ll make sure it happens tomorrow,’ she told her mother as they rode home in a taxi.
‘I should think so,’ Matilda responded, squeezing her hand. ‘It’s not right, the way she’s treating you. Anyone would think …’
‘No more, Mum,’ Lisa interrupted. ‘We’re all tired now, and very emotional.’
When they got to the house Matilda went to put the kettle on, while Roxy checked the answerphone and Lisa wandered through to the pool to stare at the spot where he’d fallen. The trauma of those terrible minutes had left no physical mark, and she couldn’t think why she’d expected one. It was almost as though nothing had happened there, and yet somewhere deep inside her she could still hear the echoes of herself shouting, and see the helpless slump of his body as she held him. She found herself remembering other times they’d swum here, and felt drawn into the resonance of their voices, and the imagined splash of the water. Their dreams were the other side of the windows now, slowly fading into the dark, misty night. In spite of knowing how desperately he’d wanted to avoid his fate, she still couldn’t believe he was ready to leave them so soon. She certainly knew she wasn’t ready to let go, and putting a hand over her abdomen she fought back the tears as she realised she might now never be able to tell him that he was going to be a father again.
‘I thought you might want this,’ Roxy said, coming in behind her.
Seeing her iPhone, Lisa took it, and blinking back the tears she whispered goodnight to David in her mind and turned out the lights.
‘There are loads of messages,’ Roxy told her as she came into the kitchen. ‘It’s been on the news apparently.’
Lisa nodded vaguely and took the tea her mother was passing her. Then her phone rang and seeing it was Tony she clicked on.
‘I’ve been trying to get you,’ he told her. ‘As soon as I heard … How is he?’
‘They say he’s stable, but …’ She swallowed and had to wait a moment before she could push any more words past the ache in her heart. ‘I don’t really know what’s going to happen,’ she said hoarsely.
His voice was gentle as he said, ‘Is there anything I can do? Would you like me to come over?’
‘Not tonight, thanks. Mum and Roxy are here and we’re all shattered.’
‘I’m sure,’ he said sympathetically. ‘I met him, you know. Did he ever tell you?’
Too tired to feel much surprise, she said, ‘No. When?’
‘Just after Christmas. I’ll save it for another time, but I left understanding that he was the better man. He’s someone I’d like to get to know.’
Realising how unlikely it was that would ever happen now, she felt herself falling apart again. ‘I have to go,’ she told him brokenly. ‘I’ll call when there’s some news.’
Unable to face sleeping in their bed without David, she said goodnight to her mother and Roxy and took the phone to one of the guest rooms. She spent the next two hours talking to Amy about David and the baby, and how perverse fate could be.
By the time the call ended Theo had booked himself and Amy on to the next flight home.
* * *
Lisa arrived at the hospital just before two the following day, hoping to get some time with David before Rosalind arrived, but Rosalind and Lawrence were already there. She stood quietly at the end of the bed, looking at David. In spite of knowing that he was heavily sedated she was willing him to open his eyes, or to move a hand beneath Rosalind’s, or to make a small attempt to react to Lawrence. There was no movement though, only the monotonous rasp of the ventilator accompanied by the tuneless rhythm of machines.
‘Hello,’ Kathy the nurse said, coming to join her. ‘How are you today? Did you manage to sleep?’
‘A little,’ Lisa replied. ‘How’s David?’
‘The same. Professor Cross saw him this morning. He’ll be back to talk to you later.’
‘Lucy’s at home,’ Lawrence suddenly told her. ‘She’s unable to come to the hospital because dogs are forbidden.’
Lisa smiled at him, and hoped with all her heart that David knew he was there. ‘I’ll wait next door,’ she said to Kathy. Then, so Rosalind could hear, ‘Perhaps I can sit with him in a while.’
Rosalind didn’t respond, simply kept her back turned, so after receiving a sympathetic smile from Kathy, Lisa took herself upstairs to the cafeteria where Tony had stationed himself with Roxy and Matilda in case he was needed.
By the time an hour had passed Dee and Miles had joined them, along with Dee’s son and his girlfriend.
‘I think I’ll go back to the waiting room,’ Lisa told them. ‘I need to feel closer than this.’
‘I’ll come with you,’ Roxy offered.
As they walked away Lisa heard her mother saying, ‘I’m sorry if I’m speaking out
of turn, Dee, but your niece isn’t allowing my daughter any time with David …’
Lisa started to turn back, but Roxy kept hold of her arm and pushed her on. ‘It needs to be said,’ she whispered, ‘and Dee might be able to make Rosalind behave more reasonably.’
On reaching the ICU they found Rosalind where Lisa had left her, but Lawrence was in the waiting room watching TV.
‘Why don’t you go and sit next to her?’ Roxy suggested.
Lisa was hesitant, knowing Rosalind wouldn’t welcome it. Then, realising that she didn’t want to share her time with David either, she shook her head. Rosalind would have to leave him at some point, if only to use the bathroom. She’d take her moment then.
As they turned away, Roxy was just opening the door to the waiting room when Professor Cross came out of the lift. ‘Ah, Mrs Kirby,’ he said, seeing Lisa. ‘I was hoping to find you here. I’d like to have a word. Shall we?’ he said, directing her on into the waiting room.
Finding Lawrence engrossed in a cartoon, the professor led Lisa into a corner and sat down with her, while Roxy went to sit with Lawrence.
Cross’s eyes were fixed intently on Lisa’s as he said, ‘I believe your husband has vascular dementia.’
She felt her mouth turn dry as she nodded.
‘So it’s possible he’s made a living will?’
Understanding where this was heading, she desperately wanted to deny it, but how could she? The law was the law, and she had no right to go against David’s wishes. ‘If you’re asking …’ She took a breath. ‘If you’re asking if he wants to be resuscitated in the event of something happening, then the answer is no, he doesn’t.’
The professor nodded sadly, and his expression was regretful as he said, ‘I’m sorry to tell you, Mrs Kirby, that there is no possibility of your husband recovering from this stroke to a degree that will give him any quality of life.’
Lisa’s hands went to her head as she started to cry. ‘I’m sorry,’ she choked helplessly. ‘It’s just … I never thought when he made the will that anything like this …’ She couldn’t go on. It was all too awful.
In the end, the doctor said, ‘It’ll be kinder and the right thing to do if we let him go.’
