Forgotten

by Susan Lewis

  ‘How’s Lawrence?’ Lisa asked.

  Feeling her heart jolt as her thoughts moved to her son, Rosalind said, ‘He hasn’t mentioned Dad since … I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but he just shakes his head and starts to get angry. Dr Knoyle is going to refer us to a specialist counsellor.’

  ‘That’s good,’ Lisa said softly.

  Rosalind nodded abstractedly. Her mind was already moving back to the reasons she’d asked Lisa to meet her today, and as they stole like dark shadows over her courage she cast her a quick glance, trying to gauge what she might be thinking. So far she’d betrayed no hostility or resentment for the way she’d been treated, but that wasn’t to say she didn’t feel it. Was she angry, or vengeful? Her offer to hand over the funeral arrangements didn’t suggest it, but perhaps she was just glad not to have to deal with them herself.

  Sensing Rosalind’s need to say something, Lisa was searching for a way to try and put her at her ease. She longed to tell her about the baby, to let her know that they hadn’t lost David altogether, but it wasn’t something she could just blurt out and she had no way of knowing how Rosalind would respond, anyway. She made herself sound warm and friendly as she said, ‘I promise I’m not here to make your life any more difficult than it already is. It wouldn’t help either of us to do that, so whatever you have to say, please, just say it.’

  Taking a breath, Rosalind struggled to summon the carefully chosen words she’d rehearsed in her mind a dozen times overnight, but when they came they were hesitant and fractured by the fear of what she could be about to provoke. ‘I know,’ she began, ‘that I probably don’t have the right to ask … I mean, it’s not really my business, but I wondered … Were you and Dad … Were you seeing one another while Mum was ill? You see, she thought you were and so did I and if you were …’

  ‘Sssh,’ Lisa said gently. ‘Actually, I saw him once, that’s all.’

  Rosalind’s breath locked in her chest, causing it to burn with dread. She didn’t want to go on hating this woman, but if her worst fears were true …

  ‘It wasn’t planned,’ Lisa went on. ‘We ran into one another at a party in Paris, and then we had coffee together the next day.’ She paused in case Rosalind wanted to say something, but she was keeping her head down as they trudged slowly on through the grass. ‘I didn’t know at the time that your mother was sick – I think she might have been in remission, I’m not sure, because we didn’t … Well, there was no reason …’

  ‘Did you realise you were still in love with one another then?’ Rosalind interrupted.

  ‘No, because I’m not sure we were. You have to remember that over twenty years had passed since we’d last seen one another, and though I won’t deny we probably felt some of the old attraction … Well, we didn’t discuss our feelings. It was just good to see one another again.’

  ‘So you … You didn’t have an affair?’ Rosalind said shakily.

  ‘No, we didn’t. You must know that your father would never have cheated on your mother.’

  Rosalind swallowed and gave an almost imperceptible shrug. It was what she wanted to believe, and now perhaps she could.

  ‘He wasn’t cut out for disloyalty or deception,’ Lisa continued, knowing that no amount of reassurance would be too much for Rosalind right now, ‘and I’d like to think that I’m not either. Anyway, I was in a bit of a mess at the time, breaking up with someone who I’d been with for many years …’ Realising that had no relevance right now, she dismissed it with a wry, ‘Broken relationships can be very tricky at times.’

  Thinking of Jerry and admiring the understatement, Rosalind managed a fleeting smile. ‘You know what’s the most difficult?’ she said. ‘It’s that I’m not sure she ever truly believed Dad loved her.’

  Melting with pity as she realised how heartbreaking that would have been for her, Lisa said, ‘Then that’s a shame, because he did, very much. I know that with all my heart, and I think it’s important for you to know it too. There’s no doubt in my mind that your mother was the big love of his life.’ The fact that he was the big love of hers wasn’t something she could think about now; it was all too painful, and she was missing him so much.

  Having to bite her lip to stop herself from crying, Rosalind somehow whispered a tremulous thank you.

  Understanding that she needed some time now to get past the enormous swell of emotions in her heart, Lisa walked on quietly beside her, trying to keep her own grief from spilling over. It had no place here today, it was for the privacy of her home and to be shared with her family, not to be loaded on to Rosalind, who was already carrying too much. Yet at the same time a voice inside her was crying out for David so insistently that she could hardly bear it. She was feeling a need for him that was so much stronger than she’d recognised while he was alive. Everything was out of kilter without him. The house was a shell. The future was an empty road, but thank God there was the baby. The mere thought of this very special gift he’d left her with, so precious and so wanted, sent a wonderful warmth spreading through her. Thank you, my darling, she whispered silently, thank you, thank you for giving us this tiny little life that I’m going to hope and pray will bring Rosalind and me together in a way that we never managed ourselves.

  ‘I was wondering,’ Rosalind said finally, ‘would you mind … ? How would you feel if I buried him with Mum?’

  As a surge of denial rose up from Lisa’s heart, not because she didn’t want him to be with Catrina, but because she didn’t want him to be dead at all, she gave herself a moment before she said, ‘I think it’s the right thing for you and for them.’ Which, of course, it was. They were a family, and she’d been a part of his life for such a very short time.

  As Rosalind’s emotions engulfed her again, she pressed a hand to her mouth and waited for them to subside. There would be time later to let go, and she’d promised herself she wouldn’t today. ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered brokenly.

  ‘Please don’t apologise …’

  ‘No, I mean, I’m sorry for the way I’ve treated you …’ She took a deep breath. ‘I don’t deserve your kindness. I know now that I got it wrong about you, and I wish I knew how to make up for it.’

  ‘You don’t have to. There are many more important things you have to face now.’ She wanted to offer to be there for her, to try and help her through them, but maybe it was too soon for that too.

  Starting to notice where they were, Rosalind stopped walking and looked up at the magnificent house on Carlisle Court Lane. Her cheeks were red with the cold, and her brilliant blue eyes sparkled with tears. ‘It’s always been the most spectacular house in the area,’ she said. ‘Are you sure about donating it to the new trust?’

  Lisa gazed up at it too, and felt her dreams crushing her heart. So much love and hope, a beautiful wedding, a fleeting look at how life could have been … ‘I think so,’ she replied. Then, making herself sound more definite, ‘Yes, I am. I don’t want to live there without him, and I know how much it mattered to him to help people with the same condition.’

  ‘So where will you go?’ Rosalind asked.

  Lisa inhaled deeply.

  ‘I’m sorry, it’s none of my business.’

  ‘No, no, you have a right to ask.’ She didn’t add, I’m your stepmother, after all, because that was a relationship, a tie that neither one of them had yet come close to acknowledging. ‘I just wish I could be more specific with my answer,’ she said. ‘I still have my flat in London, of course, but I also have temporary custody of my niece, in that she’s at uni and will need somewhere to come home to for the occasional weekend. Maybe I’ll try to buy somewhere small for the two of us, not too far from Oxford.’

  Rosalind said, ‘Is money an issue? I mean, if giving up the house is going to leave you …’

  ‘No, it’s not,’ Lisa assured her. She was well taken care of financially, David had seen to that, and she wouldn’t mention now that Tony was insisting that she and Roxy should think of his Cotswold home as the
irs. She hadn’t told him about the baby yet either, but she probably would after the funeral was over. She felt sure he wouldn’t withdraw his offer, that wouldn’t be Tony at all. As for what the future might hold for them as a couple, she had no idea and wasn’t even ready to think about it yet. ‘What matters now,’ she said, ‘is where you go from here. Is it serious between you and Ben?’

  Giving a shaky laugh, Rosalind turned her face to the sky. ‘I’m not sure,’ she said, ‘but I think, maybe it could be.’ Then, surprising even herself as the confidence came tumbling out, she said, ‘Looking back over this last year, which has definitely been my worst so far, the best thing – and I really mean best thing – that happened to me was Jerry leaving. I can’t explain why, exactly, but after the initial shock, it started to feel as though all the confusion and insecurity and madness had gone with him.’ She shook her head, as though amazed that she was only just realising the truth of her words. ‘Trust is such a big thing, isn’t it?’

  Lisa nodded. ‘The biggest,’ she agreed. ‘If I’d had it with my ex when we were together, well I suppose we’d still be together now.’

  Thinking of Ben, and remembering how he too had found out the hard way what it meant to be betrayed, Rosalind put it away to consider again at another time. It wasn’t necessarily the basis for a relationship, but it must surely help when it came to building understanding. Turning her thoughts back to Lisa, and who might be waiting for her in the house on the hill, she said, ‘Your sister’s here, isn’t she?’

  ‘Yes, she is,’ Lisa answered.

  The words were out before Rosalind could stop them. ‘I wish I’d had a brother or sister.’

  Understanding more than ever how lonely she must be, Lisa said, ‘Amy would like to meet you before she goes back. I mean, not just at the funeral …’

  Rosalind turned to look at her. ‘Thank you,’ she said softly.

  Lisa smiled. ‘It would be …’

  ‘No, not for saying that about Amy,’ Rosalind said. ‘Well yes, for that too, but thank you for showing me how foolish and ridiculous and destructive it is to judge someone without even knowing them.’

  Having been there so many times herself, Lisa wanted to hug her, but held back just in case Rosalind didn’t welcome it.

  ‘And thank you for coming to meet me today,’ Rosalind continued. ‘It was long overdue, which is my fault, of course, but I hope you’ll be able to forgive me. No, no, you don’t have to answer. I know it is, and I’m sorry.’ Embarrassed now, she glanced at her watch. ‘It’s probably time I was getting back,’ she said. ‘There’s a lot to do.’

  Suspecting she probably couldn’t cope with any more for the moment, Lisa felt sad to be letting her go so soon, but simply said, ‘Don’t forget, if you need anything, I mean anything at all, you only have to pick up the phone.’

  Rosalind nodded and gave a quick smile. ‘Bye then,’ she said awkwardly. Should she shake her hand, kiss her, what should she do?

  ‘Bye,’ Lisa whispered.

  Since they were now going in opposite directions, they both started to turn away.

  ‘Actually, there is something,’ Rosalind suddenly said.

  Surprised, and pleased, Lisa turned back.

  Giving a self-conscious shrug, Rosalind said, ‘If you’re free on Saturday, I’d love to go out somewhere for lunch.’

  With a laugh that spilled over with tears, Lisa didn’t hold back again, she simply gathered Rosalind up in her arms and held her close as she said, ‘It’ll be my pleasure, and my treat.’

  That was when she would tell her the news.

  Acknowledgements

  A huge thank you to Dan Norris MP who treated me to a fascinating inside glimpse of Westminster; and to the Right Hon David Miliband the then Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs for taking some time out of his hectic schedule to chat about his world.

  Thank you enormously to Tim Parry of The Alzheimer’s Research Trust, and to Vivienne Hill for sharing her experiences with her mother who is tragically suffering from this disease. I am deeply indebted to Sarah Cullum, Consultant in Old Age Psychiatry, and Dr Judy Haworth, Psychiatrist specialising in memory care, for guiding me through the process of detecting and diagnosing early onset dementia. Also to Professor Tony Bailey of Oxford University for his help with Asperger’s Syndrome.

  Further thanks to Robin Johnson for helping with the character of Jerry Sewell. Also to my good friends Ursula Gantenbein and Jorge Wengle for their invaluable help with the Zurich sequence. And to Hans Muralt of Exit for talking me through the process of assisted suicide. Another very big thank you to my hero, Carl Gadd, for help with the emergency response. And a huge thank you to Sarah Smith for sharing her invaluable knowledge of intensive care.

  Much love and thanks to my dearest friend Denise Hastie for acquainting me with the Chew Valley which is where, loosely, the book is set.

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  Copyright © Susan Lewis 2010

  Susan Lewis has asserted her right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work

  This book is a work of fiction. Names and characters are the product of the author’s imagination and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental

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