by Beck, J. L.
“You do too,” she says pleasantly pleased. Suddenly, I’m plowing into her with a fierceness that borders between pain and pleasure. Her teeth dig into my shoulder, and I feel the distinct tightening of her muscles, the fluttering that pushes me over the edge. I plow into her as my seed spills into her, making sure to own every aspect of her. Inside and out. She is mine. Mine. I keep telling myself this over and over again.
I nip and suck at her earlobe until she comes back down to earth. Her head leans against mine as we stare into one another’s eyes.
“I want you. All of you. The fucked up, the good, the bad, the ugly. I’m far from perfect, Mimi. I’ve fucked up so much. I’ve made mistakes, but nothing was as big as walking away from you. So please… Just…” My fingers dig into her hips as if to hold her into place so she can never run away.
“Just forgive me. Please. Be mine. Let me love you. Let me be everything you need.” My voice is pleading. I don’t even care that I sound like a pussy whipped guy, just as long as I get her back.
She pushes me back, softly slipping off the counter and to her feet. “Once upon a time, you gave me this shit line of a story about how much you loved me, that if I gave myself to you, you would be there for me. Well, guess what? You weren’t there when I needed you the most. You walked away from me, so now this is me walking away from you.” A determination shows deep in her eyes, and I can’t help but feel my mouth open in awe at what she just said.
“Did you…?” I’m flabbergasted. I cannot even talk right now.
“Did I just what? Feed you a dose of your own medicine? Pretend to care? Let you get me off and walk away from you? Hmm… I think so.”
My head is spinning, and my heart is breaking. Rage and anger consume my thoughts. I really want to lash out at her, to hurt her the way she’s hurting me right now. Instead, I’m standing here with my pants around my ankles being thrown out like yesterday’s garbage.
“How could you? I fucking told you I love you!” I roar, pulling my pants up and buttoning them. My fists find the marble island as I pound the rage out into it.
“Welcome to my world, Corey. I told you I loved you. I told you we could do this, but you all but accused me of sleeping with someone else. For all you know, I am now,” she sneers. I lose it the second she says she could be sleeping with someone else. My anger is through the roof when I grab her by the arm. My hold is gentle, but there is a look of fear and shock in her eyes.
“Who is it then? Because I swear to God that if you’re lying to me, I will beat your ass until it’s as red as a cherry. Don’t fuck with me, Mimi!” My voice is sinister and oddly quiet which scares me more. There’s someone else; that explains it. I release her arm, my fingers going into my hair as I pace the room. I can’t… I can’t do this. I can’t picture life without her. I always thought she would be here. I thought that she was the one for me and I the one for her.
“Hurts to be on the receiving end of the pain, huh? Hurts to have your heart broken, to have your hopes and wishes ripped from you?” She’s trying her hardest to sound mean and hateful, but I know her better than that.
“I know you love me…” I say, shaking my head as if this is all a bad dream. “I know you want me, and I know that we can work this out. I see the way you look at me, the way you acted at the doctor’s office… I know the love you have for me is in you somewhere.”
“Used... to have for you,” she states as if she’s correcting me. My mind is spinning thoughts, assaulting me. Was that the last time I will ever have her, hold her against me, or hear her heart beat against my own?
“I can’t…” I plead on the verge of tears. I can’t lose her! Can’t.
“Lose me? You already have. Leave, get out, and go home! Sleep like you have been for the past couple weeks, and think about what it was that you could have had. This is the end, Corey.” I think I see the tears falling from her eyes, but I’m not sure because I feel the wetness on my own face.
Now I get it; I do. I know what it feels like to have been her, to have loved and lost. I slip my shoes on, grab my wallet and keys, and head out the front door.
Anger and hurt consume me. I stumble down the stairs, not even caring that I’m hitting the wall with my fists. How could I be so dumb to think she would just take me back without a backward glance? How could I so stupidly assume she would let me into her heart again after I broke it into a million and one pieces?
You’re just like your father….
The words linger in my mind even when I know they shouldn’t. I stop somewhere in the apartment complex, leaning my body against a wall.
That wasn’t Mimi back there. She wasn’t the woman who captured my heart when I thought I was incapable of loving someone, not the person who changed me into someone worth living for.
Why? The question attacks every single thought in my mind. I clench my fists together, feeling the rage pool to them. I pound my fists into the wall as if it will alleviate the pain, as if it will help mend my heart that is now breaking.
I feel tears forming behind my eyes. The fact that they’re even there causes me to grow even angrier. I haven’t cried since I found out about my dad… And the fact that Mimi has brought me to that sort of pain crushes me.
Taking deep breaths, I wiggle my iPhone out of my pocket. My finger lingers over Rex’s name. I debate whether or not I should call him. I’ve fucked up so many people’s lives. I’ve left a wake of pain everywhere I went…
But if you don’t call him, you’ll end up doing something stupid…. I do the only other thing left to do and press send. The phone rings and rings. My patience is beyond gone and just when I feel like hanging up and smashing my phone against the wall, he picks up.
“Hey, man.” I let out a sigh of relief when I finally hear his voice, as if he’s my fucking saving grace.
“I can’t do this with her anymore. I can’t be the man she wants and needs one second, and then in the next second be the one she despises.”
Rex laughs gruffly, and I don’t see how anything I fucking said is amusing. “Why can’t she do to you the very thing you did to her?”
“I didn’t do that to her,” I sling back defensively. I have never treated her like that… Wait, have I?
“You didn’t? You guys have a relationship that could rival anything I see on TV. Seriously, you did the same shit to her, and now that she gives you a dose of your own medicine, you cry wolf?”
Every word out of his mouth causes me to grow angrier. Isn’t he supposed to be on my side? To tell me that I’m right?
“What the fuck? Are you really siding with her?” I’m on the verge of bursting. Every word pushes me that much closer to losing my mind.
“It’s not about siding with anyone. It’s about the fact that when she needed you the most, you left. You hurt her deeply. Then, when you come crawling back to her and she does the same thing to you, you decide that it sucks. Guess what, Corey? You’re not the only one capable of being an asshole.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” I snarl.
“Take it as you will. In other words, she knows how to hurt you too. If you don’t want to feel pain, then maybe you shouldn’t have hurt her.”
I consider his words for a moment. “Are you telling me she did this on purpose?” If so, I’ll….
“I’m not telling you she did anything. I’m simply reminding you that if you can hurt her, she can hurt you too. You’re not nearly as inhuman as you like to think.”
“I never said…”
“You didn’t have to. Everyone can tell by the way you act,” he interrupts.
“This is fucking….”
“Stupid?” Rex interrupts again. If he interrupts me one more fucking time, I’m going to beat him into oblivion.
“Yes. The whole relationship with her is stupid. The fact that I still even love her after all of this is stupid. Why can’t I force myself to move on?”
“If you were meant to move on, you already would’ve
.” I know exactly what he is saying. It is the same thing I always say to Mimi. Our love is inevitable; there is nothing that we can do to stop ourselves from falling…
“God must think I’m a saint if He keeps forcing us together.” I take a seat on one of the steps, no longer feeling as if I have the strength to stand. The anger that was red hot within me has now diminished to nothing but a fiery ash. If anything, I’m angry with myself.
“Not really…” I can almost see the smile on Rex’s face when he speaks. “It just means that you keep fighting against what really needs to happen. Take a step back and look around. Sometimes the easiest way to see things is to remove yourself from the picture altogether.”
What he’s saying makes some sense to me. Then again, it’s as foreign as the Spanish language to me.
“When did you become such a wise ass?” I ask, smirking at my own remark like a jackass.
“Oh, I don’t know… Probably when some asshole tormented my girlfriend into a shell of a person and I had to do everything I could to pull her out of it. Learn from this, Corey. Realize just how much your words can hurt someone else… If it hurt you when Mimi said those things to you, imagine how much it hurt her hearing them come from you.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. I never did…”
“No one ever means to do anything. Just learn from it.”
“Yeah.”
“I have to go. Call me later, man.” The line goes dead, and I pull the phone from my ear, my eyes scanning over the drab, brown carpet. I need to learn from my mistakes. Not only that but I need to right my wrongs. And boy, do I have a lot of fucking wrongs!
That’s Going to Hurt
Mimi
The second the door closes behind him, tears start streaming down my cheeks. The click of the door makes it sound like I’ve actually closed the door on everything we ever had. I walk into my bedroom and grab my phone to call Jenna.
Hitting the call key, the phone rings and rings until an out of breath Jenna answers. “Hello?” she huffs out as if she just ran a triathlon. I don’t even want to know what she and Rex were doing.
“I did it…” I cry into the phone. My emotions are all over the place, and I can’t even believe that I did what I did or said what I said. I will never be able to erase the look on his face from my mind.
“Did it work?” she asks.
“Yes. I think so,“ I say, finding my voice. I hate myself right now. I hate that I had to push him away.
There’s a shifting of what sounds like blankets, and then she says “We’ll find out soon, then, won’t we? He had to hear those things, Mimi. I know it’s tough, but making him jealous would’ve done nothing but make the situation worse. Corey has a habit of beating the shit out of things, physically and verbally. Now that he has nothing, or no one, to hit, he has to take what you said and process it.”
We decided against the whole make-Corey-jealous-with-Declan plan for two reasons. One, Declan is actually starting to turn out to be a good friend, and two, well, it is just immature to use someone else. I don’t want anyone else getting their feelings hurt.
“I know it was the right thing to do, but that doesn’t make it any easier.” My voice cracks as more tears fall from my eyes.
“It had to be done, Mimi. Sometimes love is tough.” Her voice is hard and unfeeling, not to be mean but to teach me a lesson.
“I just want it to work out; I just want him to love me and for us to be happy!” I bellow into the phone. My heart is aching as my mind wonders if he’ll ever come back to me.
“And it will, one way or another. Corey is a fighter, you and I both know that. Nothing worth fighting for is easy. He needed to hear those words come from your mouth; he needed to know that he’s losing you and what that feels like. Corey has to feel the awful depths of torment before he can find it within himself to stop being the tormentor.”
I wipe away at my tears, pulling the blanket up to my chest. My stomach grows bigger and bigger every day, as does the gaping hole in my chest. Without Corey here, it’s as if I’ve lost the most important part of me.
“Jenna, I need him! I need him like the air I’m breathing. I can’t carry on without him. What if what I just did was the final nail in the coffin? What if I lose him because of my own stupidity?” I express, pounding my hand into the mattress.
“He has to find his own way back to you, Mimi. If it’s meant to be, it’ll find a way to be.”
“Easy for you to say since you already have your happy ever after,” I scoff, not really thinking about what I’m saying. More or less, I just want to lash out at someone, and Jenna is an available target.
“You’re right. I do. BUT it wasn’t without pain, anger, and forgiveness. I know Corey has it in him to make it back to you. He’ll find his way.”
“I sure hope so…” I sniffle into the phone.
“Get some sleep and call me later,” Jenna tells me, signaling the end of our conversation. I release my cell, dropping it onto the mattress. I lean back against the pillows, letting my hands find my baby within my belly.
“Don’t worry, little one, Mommy will find a way to make this work.” It’s not my baby who should be worrying about losing Corey, though. It’s me.
***
After taking a copious amount of days off to wallow in my sorrows and stare at Ian Somerhalder, I finally decide it is time to return to school. I walk back into class with a smile proudly on my face despite the fact that I am dying on the inside.
I instantly scan the auditorium, my eyes landing on Corey’s empty seat. Dread seeps into every pore. Did he drop from the class just because of me? The guy he always sits next to isn’t there either so maybe they’re just running late. I walk up the stairs, finding my seat next to Declan.
“Could you make it any more obvious that you’re looking for him?” he observes, giving me a smile. I smile back, trying to brush off the embarrassment.
“I wasn’t looking for him,” I lie, setting my books down on the table.
“Mimi, don’t lie to me,” Declan responds, his hand landing on mine. I look down at it and then back up at his face. He is gorgeous, but his hair isn’t brown, and his eyes don’t make me melt, and his touch doesn’t make me want to jump his bones. In other words, he isn’t Corey.
“I wasn’t lying,” I utter, pulling my hand out from under his. It feels wrong, even if Corey and I aren’t together at the moment.
“You should just…” Declan’s words are cut off as some guy drops his books onto the table next to ours.
“She should just what?” A voice I know all too well says. I don’t have to turn around to know Corey will be standing there. I smile inside, knowing he is here for me and hoping this is a sign that he will fight for us, for me.
Declan looks at me, his eyes growing wide. Last time he and Corey had any interaction, it ended up being a huge disaster.
“Never mind,” Declan mumbles, turning to face the board. Class is about to start, and the tension in the room is going to suffocate me.
“Is he the guy you’re with?” Corey asks, a scary venom is in his voice. One look at him tells me he’s on the defensive, ready to strike at any moment.
“No, he’s not. I’m not with anyone, but even if I was, it wouldn’t matter.” I let the words flow freely from my mouth while wanting nothing more than to hold them in. Jenna’s advice comes back to me, and I know I have to follow through with our plan until the end. It’s the only way…
Corey glowers at me, his eyes stopping at my stomach. His look makes me feel self-conscious; it’s as if he’s examining me.
“Oh, it matters, Mimi. It will always matter.” I try my hardest to ignore his presence, turning to face the board so I can at least take some notes. I pick up my pen and start scribbling some of the chicken scratch down, not really aware of what I’m writing.
“Deny me all you want, Mimi, but I promise you that I’ll start all of this over again. I’ll make you hate me so much that you won’t
be able to forget about me for a second…” His words are menacing, laced in his own hate and fury.
I feel my panties growing wet with every ill-mannered word that comes out of his mouth, but I don’t care. I don’t care that he still has a hold, or effect, on me.
“Threatening me gets you nowhere, Corey. You, of all people, should know I’m submissive to no one.” I put anger into my own words before spitting them at him.
One of this fingers reaches out, wrapping around a strand of my hair. My insides quiver with a need, and he hasn’t even touched my skin…
“You’re submissive to me,” he croons in my ear, his hot breath going straight to my core. My insides are trembling, remembering the way he eats me out, how he fucks me until I’m a hot mess…
Silence passes as I try my hardest to ignore him. My body betrays me, though. It’s as if I can sense his every movement - the way his chest moves when he takes in a breath, the way he shifts his legs, the way his hand grips his pen.
“I assure you that my heart is, in fact, broken. Your point has been made, my dear Mimi. Now, it’s my turn…” Corey informs me.
My head is spinning with the meaning behind his words. His turn? I just don’t get it. Is it possible that he figured it out? Is it possible that he knows and he’s playing me too?
“Remember those games we used to play back in the day? How you would fool me every single time?” I say nothing, pretending I don’t hear him. “Well, I plan on bringing it tenfold. Prepare yourself, baby, because you’re playing a losing game.”
I turn, looking at him like I never have before, completely taken aback by his words. What is he up to? Just a few days ago he was a complete and utter mess when he left my apartment. Now, it’s as if he’s a new person.
“I’m not playing any games with you…” I protest, intending to turn around but not really wanting to.
A smile that melts me into a fucking puddle shows on his face “You’ve been playing games with me since the beginning, Mimi Jones. It’s now time to own up to them.”
