Fighting Envy

by Jennifer Miller

  Tears are falling down my face. He couldn’t have said anything more perfect. “I love it. So much. Thank you.”

  “I love you.”

  “I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of hearing you say that.”

  “Good. Get used to it babe.”

  He helps me put the necklace on, then we walk out of the room hand in hand. All the guys turn and look at us with ornery grins and smirks on their faces. Rather than embarrassment, a sense of pride runs through me. I wrap my hand around my necklace, loving the feel of it, the solid reminder of love around my neck. Then I confidently take Jax’s hand and we tightly grip each other. Meanwhile, Jax gives them all death glares and flips them off, daring them to say a word, which makes me laugh out loud.

  Grabbing my plate from where I left it, I take it to the kitchen to warm up my food, suddenly feeling famished. As flashes of our activity against the door come to mind, I realize why I’m so hungry. After I finish eating, while making small talk with Levi, I grab my drink and start walking to where Jax is sitting so I can plant myself on his lap. I stop when a knock sounds on the door. “I’ll get it,” I call out.

  When I see who’s standing on the other side, I freeze, shocked at the sight. So many thoughts enter my mind at once. What is he doing here? Why now? What does he want with me, with Lily? My mouth doesn’t move as fast as my mind and all that comes out is a squeak.

  “Hi,” he gives me a timid smile that has no effect on me what so ever. “I’m sorry for just showing up like this. I remembered that today is your birthday and I brought you these,” he holds up a bouquet of lilies, of all the flowers in the world, he brings lilies, “and was hoping we could talk.”

  I think it’s the lilies that snap me out of it. I walk outside and close the door a little behind me trying to prevent the bomb that will blow if Jax and Tyson see this. “I don’t have anything to say to you. just leave before Tyson or Jax sees you. They won’t take kindly to your being here.”

  Before he can say a word, it’s already too late. The door opens and Jax is next to me.

  “What the fuck are you doing here?”

  Jason looks at Jax and quickly dismisses him looking back at me, “Rowan, please. I just want to talk to you.” He takes a step forward prompting me to immediately take one back. I’m startled when I feel hands at my waist steadying me. Looking over my shoulder, I see that Levi, Cole, Zane, Ryder and Dylan are all standing behind me as well, arms crossed, anger on their faces. Feeling choked up at the sight, it also makes me stand taller when I turn back to Jason. “Just leave. I don’t want to talk to you. There isn’t anything you can possibly say to justify your actions.”

  His face screws up in anger, “You can’t just turn me away. She’s my daughter too. I have rights!”

  “It takes more than sperm to make a father, asshole,” Jax says and I nod in agreement.

  Jason opens his mouth to respond, but angry words halt his response. “What. The. Fuck. Is. He. Doing. Here?” Tyson makes his way through the guys and stands with his hands clenched into fists, glaring at Jason.

  Immediately, I stand in front of him, but Jax doesn’t like that. “No, babe. Get back.”

  “Get out of the way,” Tyson demands. “I’m going to show this asshole exactly what I think about what he did to you and Lily.”

  “Lily? That’s her name?” Jason asks.

  Tyson takes a step forward, but Dylan and Cole are at his sides each grabbing an arm to hold him back. “He’s not worth it, bro.” Dylan says.

  “Not here, not now,” Cole adds.

  “Just leave, Jason. All you’re doing is pissing people off,” I sigh worried about my brother getting himself thrown back in jail.

  “I’m not leaving until you talk to me,” Jason threatens.

  “Go home to your other baby.”

  “Other baby? What the fuck does that mean, Row?”

  Looking to Jason I ask, “Do you want to explain or shall I?” He remains quiet. “Jax and I ran into Jason, his girlfriend and their baby at the mall.”

  With a roar, Tyson lunges at Jason, but the guys hold him back. It was stupid of me to do that, I knew Tyson would react that way. I’m just angry. Levi and Dylan drag Tyson away kicking and screaming. I look at the remaining men in my life, “Guys, just give us a minute.”

  Jax spits, “Fuck that.”

  Reaching for Jax’s hand, I turn to Zane, Ryder and Cole. “Jax is here. Just give us a minute.” They all go back in the house, Zane the last one in. Turning back to Jason, I yell, “How dare you come to my home and start making demands of me. You want to talk me about your rights? Are you fucking kidding me? After everything you’ve done? You don’t deserve to even look at her let alone try to suggest you should have access to her life.”

  “She’s mine too. You can’t keep her from me.”

  “She belongs to this man beside me, more than she’s ever belonged to you. He’s been her father in every way, taking care of us when he barely even knew me. Loving both of us and showing an interest more than you ever have before and after I had her. Don’t you dare tell me that she’s yours.”

  Jax catches my gaze and I see love, devotion and protection in his eyes. His hand tightens in mine and he asks Jason, “Why do you care? Why now?”

  “I made a mistake because I was afraid.”

  Staring at him wide-eyed I begin to laugh. “Are you serious? You were scared? You? I’m the one who carried her for nine months. I’m the one who went to doctor appointments and birthing classes and visited the hospital by myself. Shit! I had to give birth. I’m the one that was left at the hospital. I’m the one that came home and had no clue what I was doing. I’m the one that had post-partum depression so severe, I thought about hurting myself. I’m the one that was left alone to figure all this shit out. Not you. And you have the nerve to stand here and tell me that you were scared? Fuck you, Jason.”

  “How many times am I going to have to apologize to you? I’ll just keep showing up and bothering you until you talk to me and let me see her.”

  “Are you threatening my girl? Because I think you better rethink your words.”

  “Your girl? That’s rich. How long have you even known her? How long have you been together? A month? Please, not only is that my baby, but her mom was my girl for over a year.”

  Jax takes a step forward, but I squeeze his hand. “You want to take me to court? Fine. Do it. I’ll get you for the back child support you owe. Of course, that’s after you pay for a paternity test.”

  “Why would I need a test? She’s mine.”

  “The birth certificate doesn’t say so.”

  “What? What are you talking about?”

  “The birth certificate doesn’t list you as the father.”

  “Why would you do that?”

  “Are you seriously asking me that question? Maybe because I was angry and abandoned.”

  He sighs and a flash of irritation crosses his face and for a blink I see the real Jason, the one that I didn’t see clearly, for far too long. “Look, I made a mistake. A mistake that I regret, okay?”

  “Why?”

  “Why what?”

  “Why do you regret it?”

  “Because I do, what do you want me to say? Haven’t you ever done something that you regret?”

  “First of all, if I have to tell you what to say, then that’s a problem. Secondly, as to your second question, if it wasn’t for Lily, I wish that the moment I’d seen you, I had walked the hell away. I’m done with this conversation. Jax, let’s go inside.”

  “I’ll be back, Rowan. I’m not giving up.”

  Ignoring him, I walk inside with Jax’s arm around me.

  The next day, I’m still feeling angry that Jason interrupted Rowan’s party. The rest of the night continued after he left, all the guys doing their best to make Rowan laugh and enjoy herself, but a heavy weight was in the room that wasn’t there before. For a while, Ty even paced the room like a tiger trying to work out his ange
r. After everyone left he and Rowan had words. He was angry she wouldn’t let him say his piece, or go after Jason.

  Thankfully, Lily was kept away from all the drama. Audrey kept her close while we dealt with Jason, but when Rowan came inside; she made a beeline for her baby. Rowan held her close until she fell asleep in her arms. The three of us sat nestled together on the couch while we talked with everyone around us. I found myself frequently looking down at the two of them, reveling in the feeling of contentment that washed over me at the sight.

  Smiling, while I wash my hair in the shower, I think about how Rowan woke me up this morning. A thank you for the party and gift she said. Damn but that woman is sexy. I tried to drag her in the shower with me, but Lily started crying in hunger so she went to care for her while I get ready. I need to head to the gym and take care of a few things.

  After I’m dressed I walk out and head to the kitchen. Ty’s door is open and he’s not in there so either he’s gone or with Rowan. When I hear her talking I assume she’s talking to him or Lily, but when I hear her say, “Jason, I don’t know about that,” I realize she’s not speaking to either of them. When she speaks again with no response, I look around the corner into the kitchen and see she’s on the phone. Ducking back out of sight, I unashamedly stand there and listen to her side of the conversation.

  “I don’t really know that meeting for lunch is going to help. I’ve already told you where I stand.” She sighs and I hear a chair scrape across the floor, then creak as she sits down. “Yes, we did have some good times,” she says and I clench my teeth. When she laughs, my fists follow. “No, I did not. That was your entire fault. I was an innocent bystander.” Oh well isn’t this sweet, a walk down memory lane? “No, stop distracting me from the point. I heard what you had to say, but I’m not in a place where I can get over what you did.” Okay well that’s better. “Yes, that is a good point and I will try to do that. I need time. I don’t know about that. I’ll call you back when I decide. Yes, we certainly did make a beautiful baby.” My stomach clenches this time. “Don’t say that to me, Jason, didn’t I just see you with a girl at the mall? Plus, if that were true, you wouldn’t have made the decisions you did. Alright. Bye.”

  Standing there for a moment longer, I walk around the corner and see her sitting at the table with her head in her hands. I can’t help but feel anger. The thought of them together, the fact that they made a baby, all of it crushes me. I know she can’t change any of this, but it’s always going to be here between us.

  “Well from this end at least that sounded like an interesting conversation,” I say loudly. Rowan jumps in her seat and stands, knocking the chair to the floor. She spins around and stares at me open-mouthed.

  “You were listening?”

  “Yes,” I answer without guilt.

  “Jax, I can explain.”

  I hold up a hand to stop her. “I don’t think I want to hear it. I don’t understand why you continue to give him the time of day.”

  “I’m trying to put my own feelings aside and consider those of my daughter.”

  “She’s a baby. She doesn’t have thoughts on the matter yet.”

  “Which is exactly why I have to make sure I’m doing the right thing for her and not letting my personal feelings get in the way.”

  “What did he say to you at the end of the conversation that made you tell him not to say it?”

  She stills and the tightening of her mouth and the way she bites her lip tells me she doesn’t want to answer, but I wait it out, holding her stare. “He told me he still has feelings for me,” she whispers and I freeze.

  “Do you still have feelings for him too?”

  “No,” she says without hesitation. Truth is, I really don’t think has feelings left for him. I don’t even necessarily believe that he has feelings for her – not real ones anyway. It isn’t even that she’s trying to figure out what to do, I get it, I really do. But what I realize in that moment, is that I’m completely destroyed over their history together. No matter where she and I go from here, he will always be the father of her baby, not me.

  “I need to leave,” I announce before spinning around and walking to her room to grab my wallet and keys.

  “What? What do you mean? You can’t just leave.”

  When I turn around she’s standing behind me. “I can’t deal with this right now. I have stuff I need to do at the gym and I have feelings about this whole situation that I can’t even…” I run my hand through my hair cutting off not able to finish the sentence. I push my way past her and walk to the door.

  “Please. Don’t leave me. Let’s talk about this.”

  Looking at her with my hand on the doorknob I give her a sad smile, “I’m not leaving you, or us, but I’m not ready to talk about this either.” Then I walk out the door.

  Sitting in my office I stare at the same fucking invoice over and over not seeing a damn thing. Stupid thoughts have taken over my mind - thoughts of them together. I know Ty suggested to me what the reality of Rowan’s relationship with Jason was like, but stupid images of them together haunt my mind. Her kissing him. Him rubbing her pregnant belly. Her legs wrapped around him. Her giving him the sassy, sexy smile she gives me. I pound the heel of my hand against my head hoping to bang out the images.

  “Hey, bro, what the hell’s wrong with you?”

  I look up at Ryder. “Hey, nothing. Just a headache,” I lie. “You here to work out already?”

  “Yeah, getting an early start. Saw you in here and thought I’d ask how Rowan’s doing?”

  “She’s doing okay. I’m worried about how far Jason is going to keep pushing this. She hasn’t threatened to take him to court or anything yet, but it may not be long before we need to play that card.”

  “Understandable. I have to admit I’m surprised to see you here. What are you working on?”

  “I need to get the fight night information to the printer to get signs made. I’m ordering the trophies and getting vendors here. Rowan had a great idea about getting local businesses to sponsor us, so I’m putting some of her ideas into action as well.”

  “You going to hire her, or what?”

  “Yeah, hopefully. I’m not sure how stubborn she’s going to be on me paying her to work here, but that’s another thing I’m working on. I need to draw up a proposal.”

  “She’ll be great. And I bet you’d like to put a desk for her in here right next to yours.”

  “Why the hell not? I think that’s a great idea. Thanks, Ryder.”

  We laugh and he walks out leaving me to my work. A few hours later, I decide to head back to Rowan’s. I’ve pouted enough and she and I need to talk this out. Fact is, I’d like to ask her to move in with me. I want our relationship to keep morning forward, and all this other stuff getting in the way is pissing me off. She may have reservations about it because she won’t want to leave Tyson alone, but I would love to have her and Lily with me. Holding them last night and reveling in how whole it made me feel, I realize I want them to be with me twenty-four seven. Moving in with me would certainly facilitate that wish.

  Pulling into the drive, I instantly feel rage when I see Jason standing at the front door again. What the fuck is he doing here again? Rowan’s standing in the doorway with Lily in her arms. He’s touching her arm and Rowan at least looks furious. They both look my way when I pull in and I fly out of my truck, slam the door and stalk up to the front door.

  “Jax-“ Rowan starts but I don’t even look at her. Jason has that smirk on his face again and I’m done. I cock my right fist back and let it fly straight into his jaw knocking him flat on his ass. Standing over him, breath heaving, I point at him, “Leave, right now.”

  He stands rubbing his jaw and I feel satisfaction run through me. He looks from Rowan to me, and back again. “I need to get going anyway.” The way he looks at Rowan and Lily before he stalks away makes me want to tear him apart limb by fucking limb, slowly so he feels excruciating pain.

  We stand sil
ently as he leaves giving Rowan a wave. Turning to her after he’s gone I’m surprised to see fury covering her features. “What the hell was that, Jax?”

  “Seriously? That’s what you have to say to me right now?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “What do I mean?” I shake my head in disbelief and then raise my voice repeating myself, “What do I mean? Are you kidding me? What the fuck was he doing here? Why was he touching Lily?”

  “Jax, calm down.”

  “Don’t tell me to calm down. I’m gone for a few hours and come back and you guys are suddenly this cute little family?”

  “Cute family? No, that’s not true. He came by again, and I answered the door holding Lily. What the hell was I supposed to do?”

  “How about slam the door in his face? I don’t want you talking to him or even around him when I’m not here.”

  “I can take care of myself.”

  “That’s not the point!”

  “Then what is? What am I supposed to do? Fact is, he is Lily’s father. Whether I like it or not. And I’m just tired of dealing with this and worrying about what he’s going to do next. I just wanted to hear him out and get it over with.”

  “Oh, now this I have to hear. Please tell me what he had to say.”

  “It was the usual crap. He apologized, he wants to see Lily and be involved. Said he just freaked out when he found out he was having another child.”

  “I reminded him that he’s clearly in a relationship with someone else and that was also the problem. He claims he wasn’t with her then, but I don’t believe him, nor do I give a shit. He actually told me that I have some blame in this too.”

  “Are you kidding me?”

  “No. He said when I was pregnant all I cared about was the baby. I stopped caring about what he wanted and our relationship changed because I put the baby first.”