Loving You Through Our Differences

by Tucora Monique

  “This mutha—”

  “Stop,” I demanded.

  Shaking in my grasp, I stopped her from speaking. Her blazer was the next article of clothing to melt to the floor in a puddle. I knelt in front of Sparx and removed nude pumps that I was certain had caused her calves to do some work. She instantly shrank five inches.

  “Wait. Relax for me. I can feel you quivering, and your heart is pumping hard enough to punch me in the chest. Calm down.”

  Leading her over to a seat, I guided her breathing. Deep inhales then a controlled release. After repeating the exercise for at least a minute, I gave her space wanting to see her eyes. Though she had chilled some, I could see she was still boiling.

  “What the hell happened?” I questioned.

  At this point I was worried. There was plenty of times I saw Billie Grace upset and up in her feelings, but her reluctance to release the tension had me concerned. If she said the wrong thing, there was a chance that someone wouldn’t make it through the night. I hadn’t taken a ride with The Shepherds in a long time, but I knew if I needed anything, they’d have my back. And if someone had my lady this much in her feelings, a visit may have been necessary.

  Climbing in my lap, she put her head on my shoulder and released a breath of contentment. This was nothing but a reminder of the decision I had to make and who it may affect the most. I was hardly worried about what the distance would do to my family. Everyone was living their own lives for the most part, but Billie had become my life. She was my balance, and me leaving without her would for sure cause a butterfly effect in our lives.

  “Well, I was all set. Perfected my business plan. You see I had on my good shit,” she blurted, pointing to her professional get up on the floor.

  “There was an instant sense of ‘hell yeah, I got this’ pumping through me when I saw she was in fact an African-American woman. It was hard to tell from the Google images, and I didn’t want to ask Teal. It would’ve come off as obnoxious, you know?” she confessed. “Anyway, we’re talking, and I knew she was feeling me. We had the whole “girl power” thing going on and the importance of being hands on with your business. Everything she said was in reference to the future! Like we had a future,” she whined.

  Sitting up swiftly, she grabbed my face as if I weren’t already enthralled with her story.

  “It was flawless, baby. She looked over my portfolio, and just as you discussed, she proposed a food truck and narrowing down my big ass menu. After hearing her reasoning and the advantages, I told we were thinking the same lines. She even gave me paperwork to have a lawyer look over, said she’d have her team look over my work, but she has final say, then… bam.” She jumped up, honestly scaring my big ass. I guess she needed to be free to move for the next part.

  “I fucked up and offered to walk her funky ass to her car.”

  “Oh God, what the hell did you do?”

  “You should really be asking what was done to me? You know I’m chill until pushed to the muthafu—”

  “Stop. Cursing. Billie.” I chided.

  “Edge. I don’t need to be lectured. I need my man to just listen to me.” She countered, drilling a hole in my forehead. Leaning back, I sat back quietly as she continued.

  “So we’re waiting in the front of Mama’s Shelter, still conversing about Crunch. I’m thinking she’s waiting for the valet to bring her car, but she tells me her son is coming to pick her up. Now you know I wear my emotions on my face. Guess I frowned, because right away she goes on to explain that he’s been a little out of control lately over a messy breakup. No gas, I thought he was a teenager lashing out because of a broken heart. Yvonne was even cosigning the shit, calling the girl a hoe and devious. She had me going. Then I see a familiar car pull up, and I tuned her completely out.”

  My brows touched at the mentioned of someone other than me having her losing her sense of hearing.

  “It was Tyler.”

  “Who the fuck is that?” I belted.

  Rolling her eyes, she was frustrated with my probing. I didn’t give a damn. She loved talking and needed to get on with who he was and fast.

  “Remember, I mentioned one of the dudes I used to…”

  “Fuck? Say it. You never had a problem doing so before.”

  Halting her pace, Billie turned to me with one eyebrow reaching for the sky. I wasn’t in control of my emotions, that much was obvious by my choice of words. One minute, I was telling her to watch her mouth, and the next, I was the one spitting profanity like it was going out of style.

  I was devastated about this whole relocating situation and was looking for any reason to become pissed with Billie. Subconsciously, I figured it would make the decision to leave or stay easier, but my love for her subverted the sabotage.

  Not entertaining my attitude, she started again.

  “This jackass pulls up and starts making a scene. Yelling ‘it’s her, it’s her!’ Calling me a damn Jezebel and curse words that would for sure make your ass tight—”

  “Respect, Billie,” I demanded.

  “Man, I guess she caught on to what he was yelling, because she grabs my arm all rough like she’d already cut me a damn check. You want to know why I’m soaking wet? This fuckboy took a gallon of water and anti-freeze from his trunk and threw it on me. I pushed his mom in front of me as a shield of protection, andddd she crashed into him, and like dominoes, they fell.”

  Holding my shaking head, I closed my eyes then reopened to my baby staring as if she didn’t just admit to elder abuse.

  “You pushed someone’s mother? Really Billie?”

  “Did you not hear me say, that bitch and her kid practically jumped me!”

  “Oh, now he’s a kid? I’m sure you weren’t referring to him that way when you had him leaving your place—”

  “Stop, right there. You’re being really nasty tonight, and before we have a bigger problem than me losing my biggest investor and whatever crawled up your Hank Hill, I’m leaving.”

  “We need to talk, Billie Grace.” I revealed at the worst possible time. I was projecting things on her that she was completely oblivious to, that was unfair.

  Walking off to my bedroom, she called out, “Not tonight we don’t. I’m going home, asshole.”

  Just as I went to check on her, beating on my door shifted my focus. Pulling it open, I was surprised to see Preston standing on the other side.

  “Surprise!” she shouted with a dozen royal-blue balloons mostly with the “Congratulations” across the front, and in the cloud of balloons was my baby, Percy.

  “Yooo. What are you doing here? Thought Christmas break didn’t start for another two weeks,” I insisted, wrapping her in my arms.

  “Hi, Billie! I’m so glad you’re here, now you can meet my twin. Percy, this is Landy’s girlfriend, Billie Grace, or Sparx as he calls her,” she said, gushing like a proud sister. Considering the hell they’d witnessed after Lucy, I couldn’t blame her.

  Forgetting all about the festivities the twins bought along, I turned blue in the face when Billie questioned the celebration and Preston answered her out of turn.

  “Landy didn’t tell you? He landed the job with Disney!” she repeated what I’d told my mom to keep between us.

  If I could kick her ass for being hardheaded, I would’ve been on my way.

  “Oh my God! Baby, that’s everything we’ve been waiting to hear. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Because I needed to explain that the offer in Paramount was filled, but they offered me something else. But that position isn’t here in California.”

  “OK?” she sang waiting for me to reveal my hand.

  “Sparx, the gig is in Hong Kong”

  “What the fuck!”

  Billie

  What the hell did she just say?

  Turning away from his sister, I gave “Landy” my undivided attention.

  “And when the hell did you think it would be appropriate to fill me in? Before or after you left?” I growled. A soun
d I had fallen in love with when coming from Leiland, but maybe that was my problem. I got too consumed with pieces of him.

  “First, check your attitude. I never said I was going anywhere! Ask me!” he yelled in a wave of frustration that my feelings couldn’t pacify. I had a right to be pissed, but he didn’t.

  “That’s not something I should’ve had to question! Why wasn’t that a given?”

  “Oh, fuck,” came from one of the twins, but both were in receipt of the stern look Leiland was shooting their way.

  Maybe my perception was tainted, or my ignorance was showing, but I anticipated that our happiest and most hectic moments would be discussed between us before inviting anyone else into the conversation. Leiland laid the pavement with that when I would go over him straight to Jupiter feeling happy or indifferent. But obviously, those rules only applied to me.

  Clearing her throat, Preston decided to insert herself again into a situation that had nothing to do with her or her too little skirt. Between her ass hanging out and her mouth blabbering, she had too much to offer all in one evening.

  “No, Preston, you can’t! You’ve opened your mouth enough,” he barked as the vein in his forehead that I was introduced to at Dick’s house welcomed himself to the party.

  “Right, because everyone else was supposed to know except the one person who never stopped convincing you that it was already yours.”

  “That’s not what I meant. And you know it.”

  “I don’t know anything except what you say or didn’t in this case. Once again another—”

  “Fuckin’ stop! Whatever you are about to let come out of your mouth is bullshit. I’m not like anyone else you’ve dealt with.”

  “Says who? You? It’s already been proven that you only share what you want!”

  “You know none of the facts, and you’re already upset. Proving why I was waiting to tell you. I knew it wouldn’t go over well. Knew you wouldn’t be able to handle it. Why is that so fucking hard to believe?”

  His voice had risen to a height I was happy to never have been on the receiving end of. Well, before now. The new tint of red bursting through his skin almost looked hot to the touch, and with his hands tightened into a fist, he was a new person. I feared no man, but I was nervous from the scowl on his mug. But refusing to be a punk bitch, I tested him.

  Preston’s look-alike tried in a sheepish voice to sway her brother’s emotions but unbeknownst to her there was a new sheriff in town taking care of ole Landy.

  So if you know that, why are you tripping out, my conscious warned.

  “Is that supposed to scare me?” I asked with my arms folded over my chest. I attempted to add a nonchalant laugh, but that failed me. I left them all where they stood and went to grab my things. Leiland and I hadn’t slept away from each other in damn near a month, which was a record for the both of us, but tonight, I didn’t feel there was any other option. My thoughts were running rampant, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to control my mouth. I heard him ask his sisters to meet him at their ma’s house. Hearing his steps heading in my direction, I hurried with gathering my shit.

  “You’re overreacting, Billie Grace. I haven’t made a decision yet.”

  “Which in itself is a decision. You’re moving to China. There’s no way things will work with you all the way over there, and you know it.”

  Walking up on him, it took a lot to keep my hands to myself. Settling on a firm finger to the chest, I looked him only in his eyes just as he had taught me.

  “That’s why you hadn’t told me because you knew it would break my heart.” The strength to hold in my tears was broken.

  “Baby, I didn’t know how to ask if you’d come with me. I never had it in my mind to leave without you, Sparx.” He revealed trying to wipe my tears.

  “Move? To China? You want me to leave my family? And just fuck my dreams, huh?” I asked, almost offended that this was his resolution.

  “I don’t know what to propose. Nothing seems like a healthy compromise.” He breathed sounding exhausted. That made me feel a way. Like deciding to choose me was hard.

  “Then don’t pick the healthy way, be selfish and be gone,” I said, settling the conversation. Quickly grabbing my clothes from the floor, I noted that he didn’t try and stop me. Making sure to take my work clothes from his drawers, I held my head high and walked out.

  Billie

  “He’s probably over there with that Cindy bitch while I’m looking for stuff your ass should’ve checked off the list weeks ago. You lied, I thought we were going to eat.” I complained with lips so tight, I could feel the need of lip gloss arising.

  My problem wasn’t with Jupiter, though I couldn’t keep my sarcasm at bay. I couldn’t take it out on Leiland, so she was on the receiving end. Only a few days since the big move was revealed, and though we spoke a few times since, I couldn’t hold a civil conversation to save my life.

  The anniversary of my mom’s death was approaching, and that was already hell in my head, so adding Leiland’s dilemma to my trials was too much. Out of all memories that escaped me with my fleeting eidetic memory, the scene from fifteen years ago was stapled. Leiland couldn’t be important right now, but still, I couldn’t stop talking about him.

  “Helloooo, I know you guys heard me.”

  “Yes, we heard you this time and the time before that.” Jupiter muttered.

  “And the time before that,” Josephine said, checking out a bag of oranges from the flirtatious vendor that resembled the cartoon character Mario. Not being strangers to the Farmer’s Market or its sellers, I grinned at the familiar mannerism.

  “The purpose of coming out with us was so you wouldn’t be home worrying about this week and making up shit in your head about Leiland, but clearly, that isn’t working,” Ju said, leading us to a nut vendor.

  “How do you figure that?”

  “You haven’t stopped talking about him since we picked you up, and that was almost two hours ago.”

  “Whatever. You’re exaggerating. Leiland is not all I talk about. He’s moving to Bangkok to bang cocks and—”

  “Billie, that man is going China. Not Thailand.”

  “Doesn’t matter. He won’t be here!” The nerve of them to pretend they wouldn’t act the same way or worse if they were in my position.

  “Oh God,” Jo chimed, snagging a bag of pecans.

  “Look, I realize your point about Leiland debating on whether to leave or to stay, but think of it from his perspective. What if you had a huge opportunity for Crunch brewing before you met him, would you give it up without a second thought? And hear my question clear, could you do it without a second thought.”

  “No, I wouldn’t be able to make the decision without some contemplating.” I muttered not waiting to prove her right. Jupiter being the voice of reason that she’s always been, I knew there was no way around her point that wouldn’t be validated.

  “Exactly. Let that man be. Stop doing so much screaming about how’d you handle it. It’s not your decision to make for him. If he concludes what to do with the noise you’re making, who’s to say it’ll be genuine? There’s going to be resentment in the both of you guys, BG.”

  “Yep, everything she said,” Jo added.

  “And let’s not forgot he asked you to come with him,” Jupiter sang as we came to a stop. The neon-colored sunflowers caught my attention immediately. Memories of Leiland crowning me with its twin moved into the forefront of my thoughts. No man had ever made me feel so safe and irresistible, and the way he licked the skin on my shoulder, I was convinced they were in fact covered in chocolate. I wished Eleven was here to get her sister off my ass, though. Despite our tiffs, when Jupiter overstepped, Eleven would call her out. Josephine was just as lovesick as her friend, and I didn’t need two Notebook lovers pushing me in a corner.

  Josephine interrupted my wet memories. Reaching out to fluff up the puff on the top of my head, she encouraged me.

  “Have you at least thought of going
with him? Didn’t you say he would only be gone for eighteen months?”

  “Leiland and I haven’t even made six months. Moving across the world with him would be insane. Shaking my head, I ran my finger along a few loose petals. “Nah, I can’t do that.”

  “Don’t say you can’t. Say you won’t,” Jupiter said so sure of the declaration. She loved fairytale shit. It would be right up her alley for Leiland and I to run off to another county together.

  “However you want to put it is fine with me as long as you understand I’m not going. I love Leiland but—”

  “Not enough.” Ju said, provoking the bitch in me to emerge.

  Completely facing her, I had to make thing clear.

  “You can shut your face. My love for him runs deeper than maybe even you understand. Not that I owe you an explanation, but at one point, I was willing to literally cash in my dream to make sure he was well. Of course, he declined, but that plays even more why I love him. He loves me for me, and I know I’m not the easiest person to deal with, but the feelings he has for me are bigger than my difficult traits. The emotional outburst that I’d attempted to avoid was now on display. You don’t think it’s hard on me to know in the back of my mind that my happy place may be out of reach?? Stop comparing what Leiland and I have to your relationship. I have time to change my mind on how to handle shit. Stop trying to figure this out and just be here for me,” I ranted. And with that, I walked off to check out the rest of the garden. Jupiter had me fucked up.

  “Look, you know I love you. I never mean to offend you or sound critical. Everything you said is exactly why I think you should hold on tighter. I mean, if you need more rational thoughts, think about it this way, would he do it for you?”

  “Okay, let’s change the subject,” Josephine offered, attempting to shift the vibe.

  “Jupiter, what type of flowers are we looking for?

  I scoffed at the queen’s lack of preparation, that was unlike her.

  “You can always get me together but couldn’t make sure to have flowers for your engagement party that’s in three days. Not using your time wisely, shorty,” I teased.