Diary of a Teenage Murderer
Page 9
two years higher than us both, what a trollop. Not seen her since primary school, I think she may have moved.
• Amy Stevens – Amy asked me out in my first year of secondary school. We had no dates but we did manage to have three kisses in the two weeks we went out. Amy’s was the first tongue I ever touched with my tongue (not counting the tongue sandwiches my nan insists on forcing us to eat, of course). I dumped her when I heard the rumour that she was thinking of dumping me. Amy was in my school but left in year 10 to have a baby. No one has any idea who the father is, mainly due to the fact that she was the biggest bike in our school’s history.
• Denise Singer – the school’s other bike, unfortunately I didn’t get a ride, but I did have a right good go on her horns! I went out with Denise for two Tuesday nights in a row at our school youth club. We pretty much spent both of those days behind the youth wing sucking each other’s faces off. The second week she grabbed my right hand and put it on her small but perfectly formed left breast. I had to pull my groin away from her to prevent me drilling a small hole in her stomach. I squeezed and groped and then went inside the shirt. I just got to pinch her nipples twice before we were disturbed by a youth worker. The following Tuesday she dumped me and was rumoured to be ‘going out’ with that pervey fucking youth worker!
• Michelle Ellins – my last girlfriend to date. We broke up last summer holidays after the most boring four month relationship I have ever had and will ever have. Don’t get me wrong, Michelle is stunning. Model standard beauty, rubber plant standard personality. We went to the cinema to watch King Kong and must have spoken about three sentences each during the whole date, it was like pulling teeth. “What did you think of the film?” was one of mine. “It was alright.” was one of hers… Classic. So why, dear diary, did it last so long? Well, truth be told I think we kind of forgot we were actually still going out with each other. One phone call in late July and I was released from her lifeless clutches.
I plonked myself down next to Sasha in Music and decided to hit her with a joke I heard on the radio in the shower that morning. “My mate has started drinking brake fluid,” I said.
“What on earth are you on about, Matt?” she smiled.
“He says that he can stop whenever he wants!” She frowned in her cute way and then laughed so loud that the usually meek and quiet Mrs Reeves shouted at us.
“Can you two idiots stop messing around and get on with your work!” This made us laugh even more.
The last five minutes arrived and I felt no nerves at all, like I said before I had nothing to lose. “Sasha, would you go out with me?” I boldly asked.
“Like boyfriend and girlfriend?” she slyly smiled.
“Exactly!” I said too loudly and ol’ Reevesy shot me a dirty look.
“I have been waiting for you to ask for ages.” She smiled
I have a great new girlfriend; life is sometimes nice after all.
No need for press-ups ever again; women obviously love my ample bosoms.
Thursday, February 9th
I love mornings; don’t know why I haven’t noticed how good mornings can be before. I think that a load of brand new birds’ nests have been set up in the trees outside my bedroom window overnight. I have never heard birds singing around here before.
I walked to school with Martin and told him my amazing news; he clearly didn’t believe me though! The cheeky bastard said, “Nice one, you could never get a girl like that! In fact if you ever do I will saw off my cock and throw it in the sea!”
When we arrived at school Sasha was waiting for me at the gates on her own, she ran up held my hand and kissed me on the cheek.
“Fancy walking down to the beach after school?” I asked Sasha loudly.
“What for?” she replied
“Martin has something he really needs to do,” I said
I really am on cloud nine at the moment, everything just feels so natural. A few of Sasha’s friends were quite complimentary about us as a new couple saying some of the following: ‘aren’t they cute together’, ‘it’s like they have been together for ages’, ‘they just really fit’ and ‘you guys really are the best looking couple in school’.
They were of course right. We do look amazing together, not that I’m particularly handsome or anything! We just look right and really comfortable around each other. When I was dating Michelle, it took two weeks before we held hands in public and never in school, it just never felt right. This does.
Friday, February 10th
Last day of school today, well for a week at least. I am not too sure whether this is a good or bad thing. I am of course happy to be away from school, but a little worried that I may not see Sasha for a whole week and that would be a nightmare. We exchanged phone numbers today, she gave me her mobile, and I gave her my home number. That is lame! I really must be one of the only kids in school not to have a mobile phone, I must get this sorted. There are kids in year seven who have brand new iPhones and I have bugger all.
I think I will ring Sasha tomorrow and try and arrange our first proper date, but what can we do? I will have to sleep on that.
I walked Sasha home after school today and we had our first ‘proper’ kiss. Kisses until this point were kind of… pecks. Little demonstrations of affection. This was very different! When we got to her front door she spun in front of me and grabbed me by the neck with her right hand and pulled me into her so fast I almost developed whiplash. The kiss was amazing, so passionate and tender. I have never experienced anything like it. My toes crunched up, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up, little electrical waves shot down my spine and I got a boner.
Saturday, February 11th
It’s Saturday morning as I’m writing this, I am going to ring Sasha a little later and have settled upon the following options for our first ‘Hot Date’:
• Bowling – I am shit at bowling, not sure if that is a good or bad thing! On the one hand, at least Sasha would win and feel good about herself. But on the other hand, I could look an absolute bell end when I insist upon having the bouncy side rails in place.
• Cinema – an absolute load of bollocks on in the cinemas around here, but a good option is a screening of Clerks in Leicester Square. Only problem with this idea is that the screening is tomorrow and I don’t have much money left from Christmas. £18 to be precise. I will suggest it anyway and beg for cash from the folks if I need to! Being my favourite film of all time and pretty much knowing all the words from start to finish may be a bad thing though; I don’t want to come across as too geeky.
• A walk in the park – this is not a great option, I have just included it as it may be something Sasha may find romantic. In reality, there are loads of kids from school who will be hanging around the local parks, and what the hell would we talk about? The real bonus of simply going for a walk is that it is free. However, it is February and the weather outside is dreadful, it is 10:14am as I write and it looks as if it’s approaching midnight outside.
• Skiing – I have never actually been ‘proper’ skiing, but there is a dry slope not too far from here. I have only been once before and let’s just say that it wasn’t the most positive of experiences. I couldn’t quite work out how to use the button lifts and after causing huge queues by constantly falling off them spent the day walking up a massive hill in 30 minutes and the whizzing down in 30 seconds, not the most fun I have ever had. I got the hang of it eventually however and became a little too over confident. On my last attempt I decided to ‘try out’ a 360 degree turn (having witnessed a competent skier do it earlier in the day). Needless to say, the attempt didn’t quite go according to plan. After gathering what can only be described as an ‘astonishing’ amount of speed on the way down I built up the courage to take on the said trick. All was going well until I reached the three-quarter mark. During my daredevil anticlockwise spin, the tip of my left ski touched the surface a little too early. The ski fell off and over I went, I shot into the air for what appeared to be an hour an
d came crashing down on my side. I proceeded to roll, slide and roll some more all the way to the bottom of the slope. I was literally covered in friction burns! My brand new Levi 501s that my mum had bought for me after much hassling were ruined (this got me in a whole world of trouble) and my pride damaged even more so. I even managed to get a friction burn on the tip of my nose and on one of my testicles. Perhaps skiing is not the greatest of ideas…
When you think about it there really isn’t an awful lot for young couples to do.
Well, I have spoken to Sasha and she has chosen the Clerks option, what a girl! It’s time to start working on the parents to tap them up for some cash, I will start with tidying my room, about three hours’ worth of work I’d say. I will then make a start doing a few jobs around the house, the washing up is pretty straight forward and I may even hoover the lounge too. Then later this evening, when my parents have digested all my hard work, I will hit them with my demands.
Sunday, February 12th
It was my first date with Sasha today and it really could not have gone any better.
Yesterday evening went really well, I completed ‘Mission: Tidy up the bedroom’. It did in fact take three hours and was pretty grim. I had just no idea just how filthy my room was. My mum bangs on about it all the time,