The Fifth: Darkness series

by K. D Rawlingson

  This was all too much, no this couldn't be true, not Ryan, not just gone. I started to scream, I felt like my bones had turned to jelly, no not Ryan he couldn't be gone, NOT MY RYAN was the last thought that screamed in my head before everything went dark and I blacked out!

  I opened my eyes and for a brief moment, I forgot everything that had happened to me. I lay there wondering where I was. I sat up and it hit me like a knife straight to the heart, Ryan was supposed to be dead. Fallen through a sinkhole into the middle of the earth. No, I push the thought away I couldn't think about it. Thinking about Ryan gone hurt too much hurt my heart and made it hard to breathe. No, where was Thomas? I needed my boy he had his play, Ryan would be sitting in the hall waiting for me and everything would be fine.

  I looked around and found I was in a bed, I saw the tubes coming out of me and knew I was in our local hospital and hooked up on a drip. It was more like a doctor’s surgery then a hospital Applewood Medical Centre. It only had a couple of rooms for patents, a small pharmacy and a waiting room with a little hatch that served tea and coffee for about two to three hours a day and only one ambulance. People only used it for minor injuries if you had anything more severe then you went to the main town hospital in Ashbane about 25 miles away but I had been here a few times for little things and knew this room with its beige and blue walls. I sat up, ripped the drip out my arm and got out of bed intent on finding my boys. I reached out to grab the door handle when the door opened from the other side and smashed straight onto my toes on my right foot, blood dripped everywhere because all the skin had been ripped straight off the top of my toes. The nurse who had just entered looked to be in her mid to late sixties she had short grey hair, big green eyes, and a warm smile, she looked at me like she was approaching a scared animal

  “Oh Sadie, may I call you that? I think using last names is so formal. My name is Alice I’m a nurse here. I’m ever so sorry please come sit down dear and I will fix that right up.”

  It didn't hurt that much and looked worse than it was, I could already see the blood stopping as she was talking. "No thank you I'm fine, I need to get going I'm late for Thomas's play. I just want to get to my Thomas." I think my head/brain was in some kind of meltdown I kept telling myself if I could just get to his play everything would be ok.

  "Sadie calm down, everything is going to be ok. Thomas is just in the other room I need to check your head, you hit it pretty hard when you passed out and we need to bandage your toes."

  I wondered for a second why I didn’t have shoes on when Alice’s word replayed in my head

  “What do you mean Thomas is in the next room?”

  How long had I been out for? Had I missed his School play? How was he here? Oh, my heart was so heavy, had school finished then and who had brought him here?

  I didn't waste time asking I saw a bag next to the door with what looked to be my shoes in it. Setting my sights on the bag I dashed passed the nurse lady grabbed the bag ripped open the door and went in search for my boy.

  As the nurse had said I didn't need to look far Thomas was sitting in the room next door with Pete and his wife doing some colouring. I stood outside the door looking through the window he looked so happy, the tin man body was sitting in a chair across the room from him. While Thomas was dressed in all the silver gear I had made, with the helmet still on, he looked like a mini astronaut, so cute, so young and innocent. How was I going to tell my baby his daddy was gone? I didn't want to even think the words let alone have to say them. Part of me didn't even believe it. He could be at home right now waiting for us.

  Taking a deep breath, I pushed the door open. Thomas looked up, he saw me and came running. I picked him up and covered him with kisses and cuddles "Mummy are you ok? I was worried about you. What have you done to your toes? They have blood on them."

  I sat him on my lap as I took a seat next to Pete “Hey my little man, I’m fine I just banged them on the door that’s all.”

  "Argh mummy you're squeezing me"

  “Sorry darling mummy has missed you.”

  I sat Thomas back down giving him a final kiss on his head and let him finish his colouring. With a lump in my throat, I turned to speak with Pete.

  “Thank you for sitting here with him. What happened? How is it you’re with Thomas?

  Pete lowered his head as if he was ashamed of something. “You passed out.”

  “I'm sorry I've never passed out before.” I looked to Thomas “Mummy let go I'm trying to colour”

  I let go and realised I must have been subconsciously holding onto him. I put my hands in my lap and looked back at Pete. Pete introduced the lady next to him as Shelly the same girl I remembered from the bar as his wife. Pete nodded to her and she slid over to sit down with Thomas to help him colour so Pete and I could finish talking

  “Sorry I don't remember anything after I passed out what happened, has anybody found him? Are they even looking?”

  “Oh my, Sadie you have nothing to be sorry about it should be me who is sorry.”

  I gave a side glance to Thomas signalling to Pete I didn't want to tell him just yet. I wanted to take him home where I could sit down with him properly.

  “What happening then?”

  “After you passed out it got a little crazy. The ambulance and fire brigade arrived they were starting to move people back when more of the side collapsed, they didn't know how unstable it was, the hole is now nearly twice as big and has swallowed almost most of the community centre with that everybody started panicking. The police arrived and notified the school and the whole surrounding area that it wasn't safe and we had to be evacuated now. Once the school and the parents realised what was happening it became a bit chaotic, everybody wanted their children out of there in case the hole spread anymore.”

  “What are the police doing about it now?”

  “As far as I know, at the moment, they have said it is too unstable, that they needed to wait until they’ve got the right people in to assert the situation and judge when it’s safe to look for casualties.”

  I'm so sorry Sadie.”

  “It’s not your fault Pete, we both looked into that hole” I didn’t say my next thought but it was echoed back in his face…no-one could survive that fall.

  "I shouldn't have let you look it was dangerous and you could have fallen in too. When you passed out I was so surprised I didn't have time to catch you, you cracked your head on a rock, there was quite a bit of blood, someone must have called an ambulance and they said it was best to take you in. All I could think off then was Thomas, he was alone and everyone was being evacuated from the area. I went to check on him, I told the school what had happened to you and that I would bring him to you here, they tried to contact Ryan's parents as they were on your emergency contact list but their phone was turned off or not going through either way the receptionist had no way of contacting anybody, things started going crazy everyone wanted their child out of the school. Thankfully, I know Tracey the receptionist, she knows I work with Ryan and is a friend of my wife’s so when I said I would bring Thomas to you she let me take him.

  When I got here Doc said you would properly be out for the rest of evening maybe tomorrow morning too given the injuries he said that you had split your head open in two places not enough to need surgery but they had to glue it back together, Doc said you were still unconscious and it would be a waiting game as to when you woke and that when you did you would be hurting real bad for the next week or so.”

  My hand reach to my skull, it was weird I touched all around but it didn't hurt I could feel no pain there or any lumps or cuts, shouldn't there be a cut if I had cracked my skull open.

  “To be honest Sadie I don't know how your even up, you've only been asleep a few hours are you ok? should you even be walking about?”

  “Yes, I'm ok thanks, I just need to get Thomas home.” Reaching over I took the tin man body got up and then picked Thomas up. “Thank you, Pete, Shelley for bringing him here.” Shelley go
t up and gave me a hug.

  “If you need anything, anything at all we’re here.”

  "Thank-you Shelley but we're ok, thanks again for looking after him." I gave them both a smile well, I think it was a smile to show them that I was alright and walked out the door. I was just reaching the front entrance when the nurse from earlier came running up to me

  “Sadie” I ignored her, I know I shouldn't have but I just wanted to get the hell out of here I hadn't even stopped to put my shoes on.”

  “Sadie” I heard again “You can't leave you have a nasty head wound we would like to keep you in for the night and I would like to talk to you.”

  For some reason, I was suddenly angry I wanted to punch or kick something I turned around ready to shout that I wasn't staying anywhere and I certainly didn't want to talk to anyone but just wanted my home when Thomas gave me a look so like the one his father would use that I instantly calmed. I took a deep breath and politely told the nurse that I felt fine I just needed a good night's rest in my own bed, that I was ok to sign any paperwork saying so.

  She clearly wasn't happy but there wasn't anything she could do. I signed the paperwork and left to go home.

  Chapter 3:

  Night had fallen while I'd been laid up in hospital. The drive home I just felt numb what had started out as a pretty good day, for me at least, had turned into the worst day of my life. I tried to call Susanne on her mobile but it went straight to voicemail so I left a message to call me back. I thought it strange that there was no answer as we were due to go over tomorrow and hoped they were ok.

  I tried to let all thoughts go and just concentrated on only driving and to just let the numbness take me over completely, I tried to not feel the crushing weight on my heart and gut-wrenching pain deep inside me.

  The way home was taking forever, everyone seemed to be going somewhere and for a fairly small village this was the busiest I had ever seen it in a long while, but I was too numb to think too much of it. I got home and lifted a sleeping Thomas out the car.

  I opened the door to a part empty house, only Bert was home to greet us with a lick on my toes, it was like he knew something was up as he was usually so excitable.

  Bert was our Labrador, we had got him for Thomas`s 3rd birthday. He was a tiny little thing then, not now he was massive and far too fat, he slobbered over everything and had jet black fur that left hairs everywhere but he was as soppy and soft as they came. Ryan had wanted to get a dog for ages and it had me that had resisted knowing it would ultimately be me left with the feeding and cleaning up after the thing, but when one of Ryan’s work friends Bill had said his dog had had a litter of puppies and to come and see them it was me that couldn’t resist. I had justified it to myself that we would give him to Thomas for his birthday as it would be very close to when the puppies could be separated from their mother and was a much better idea than having another baby which Ryan kept talking about.

  Thomas named him after one of his favourite teddy bears and loved him dearly, we all did but secretly he was my dog and I was his master. It was me he listened to, me that fed him and took him on walks. Apart from Ryan, Thomas, and Sol, he was my most loved thing in the world which is why I spoiled him rotten and why he was getting so fat.

  I patted Bert's head and laid Thomas on the sofa, I sat for a moment next to him watching him sleep following the rise and fall of his chest. Ryan wasn't at home, there were no signs he'd been back home either, no lights were on, the door had still been double locked and the place looked the same as when I'd left it this afternoon. Like a dead weight had just fallen through my stomach the truth finally set in. My Ryan was gone. Pete hadn't been lying or playing some cruel trick on me. My handsome, loving, caring, wonderful husband was gone. Taken from his world well before his time. It wasn't fair.

  Every part of me wanted to curl up in a ball and pretend this wasn't happening, but the pain in my chest was a heart-wrenching reminder that it was real. Thomas stirred from his sleep. My poor boy, how was I going to tell him, did I wait? What would I say? At that moment, I knew I had to hold it together, had to be strong for him, if I lost it now I was going to lose it big time and I'm not sure I'd ever come back out the other side. I needed to hold it together, to be strong and support my boy.

  His little blue eye squinted open “Is daddy home yet?”

  My heart broke how was going to tell him. “Come on baby, do you want to help me make some hot chocolate?”

  Thomas’s eyes sprung open “With cream and marshmallows and toffee sauce?” “Yes, you can have whatever you want darling.”

  “Can we camp in the garden tonight mum?”

  Ryan and I often woke Thomas up with a tent set up in the garden and we would all sleep out there drinking hot chocolate, telling stories and looking into the night sky. Ryan knew what a crappy childhood I’d had and at times I thought he done little things like that for me as much as Thomas. He wanted to make happy fun memories, he loved the family time we all did, it brought us closer together, it was our special thing. “No darling just hot chocolate tonight mummy needs to talk to you about something really important.”

  I sat Thomas on the kitchen counter with two empty mugs, a spoon, and the chocolate powder. Thomas began filling the cups while I filled a pan with milk. Stirring the milk in the pan my mind was a jumble, a big fat mess, how could I say the words and not breakdown myself? How was I supposed to be strong and hold it together even though I just wanted to lie down and pretend this was all some horrible nightmare? It was a horrible nightmare only one I wouldn't wake from. I knew that Thomas needed me but I needed Ryan and he was gone, the thoughts kept whirling around in my head until I started to feel light headed. No fucking stop it! I screamed to myself, in through the nose, out through the mouth, in through the nose, out through the mouth, taking deep breaths and just concentrating on only my breathing had always helped and calmed me in the past and I really needed a bit of that now.

  I pulled myself out of the trance-like state I had fallen into and finished the hot chocolate. I let Thomas squeeze the cream on, load it with mini marshmallows and top it off with toffee sauce. I led him to the sofa and we popped the hot chocolate on the coffee table to cool down. "Come on little man." I sat down on the sofa and opened my arms out and Thomas came and sat on my lap and cuddled right into me. I couldn't help it tears started rolling down my cheeks, I had to tell him there were no more distractions I could use, taking a deep breath, I told him as gently as I could.

  “Mummy’s got something to tell you and it may make you upset, I want you to know that I’m here ok darling.”

  Thomas’s nodded his head listening, waiting for my words. I could feel the lump in my throat and dreaded saying my next words.

  "I'm so sorry my baby boy but daddy's not coming home, something happened today, daddy was called up to heaven and the angels came and got him."

  “What do you mean gone to heaven? Has daddy died mummy?”

  Tears started to well in his eyes and my heart twisted in pain not just for my loss but for Thomas’s too.

  “Yes, darling daddy has died, I want you to know though that he didn’t want to leave us, I'm so sorry baby I know it’s not fair, you know how much daddy loved you and he is going to miss you so much.”

  Both Thomas and I was crying by the time I had finished, I didn't know what else to say to him I didn't want to tell him about the sinkhole, he would have nightmares about the ground opening up and swallowing his daddy, I knew I was going to. I didn't want to do that to him I hoped this way was better.

  “So, daddy's not coming home eva then mummy?”

  “No darling but he will always be with us in our hearts and you need only to look up in the sky and you will see a twinkling star brighter than any other, that’s daddy watching over you.”

  Leaving the forgotten hot chocolates on the table I picked up Thomas and went over to the bifold doors leading to the garden and opened them up. We stood in the garden looking up in the sky at all
the stars, it was a clear night and you could see thousands if not millions all twinkling away. I pointed out the brightest star to Thomas and told him that daddy was already there watching over us. I thought about Ryan and all the over souls that were joining him, how unfair it all was. Time seemed to stand still nothing seemed to move, no sounds were made, no owls hooting or insect buzzing, no wind rustling through the leaves in the trees, nothing, just me, Thomas and the sky.

  We stood outside for quite some time just letting the pain become part of us before the noise of the world seemed to come rushing back and our time of peace was over for the night. I heard sirens in the distance and a helicopter thumping in alongside the noise. I hoped that no other sinkholes had opened up and that was what the noise was about but there wasn't anything I could do about it and it was starting to get cold so, I went back inside the house, closed and locked the door. Thomas had fallen back to sleep in my arms, I took him up to bed but wanting to keep him close I brought him into my room instead of his, and laid him in my side of the bed. Bert jumped up and snuggled in next to him. I turned to look at the clock and it read 12:36 am. Had I really been standing outside holding Thomas for nearly three hours?

  I used to carry Thomas everywhere when he was younger but since he started full-time school that had ended, first, he was too embarrassed and second, he was getting too bloody big. Three hours holding him and my arms weren't even tired. I felt like crap though my hair was a mess and had stuff all in it, I had no shoes on with dried blood all over my foot, my clothes had mud down the back and side. I was gently pulling the door closed to go take a shower and didn't want to wake Thomas when I heard

  "Where are you going? Mummy, please don't leave me."