Pain Lived, Love Found 2

by Thalia Lake

  I was in too much shock to react. I was racked with disbelief before I became numb from head to toe. Jameel was the sweetest boy ever, and I loved him like he was my own baby brother. I tried to keep him out of Carter’s shit, but he looked up to Carter and was always trying to impress his big brother. Unfortunately that’s what got him killed. He foolishly went at some Italians that Carter was beefing with and he went at them alone with no backup and they killed him. The Italians claimed it was self-defense, and the police agreed.

  Carter always believed it was a message being sent to him, a message he heard loud and clear. He knew he was in no position to fight the Italians, who more than likely had ties to the mob. I just couldn’t wrap my head around Roman, my Roman, being a killer. He can’t be. As much as I tried to deny it, the more it made sense. At the ball he spoke of regrets and mistakes, and I remember the deep remorse I saw in his eyes that night. Oh God, I feel sick. I snatched my arm away from Carter and walked away.

  “Ask him, Sarah,” Carter yelled after me.

  I had to get out of there. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and my head was spinning. Is this what a panic attack feels like? I weaved my way through the crowds while trying to avoid Roman. I didn’t know where he was, but I prayed to God I wouldn’t run into him before I could leave. Finally, I saw the front entrance of the art museum and I was almost home free when I felt a strong, familiar hand grab me and pull me to the side.

  When I looked up into Roman’s angry brown eyes, a deep sadness came over me. Whatever feelings I had towards Roman must come to an end, and my heart was breaking into a million tiny pieces.

  “Where did you run off to? I was looking for you everywhere, Sarah! We need to talk.”

  “You’re right; we do need to talk, Roman, but not now. I need some air; I need to get out of here.”

  I managed to get out of his grip and walked quickly outside. I was trying to hail a cab when Roman stormed towards me.

  “I’m taking you home. Let’s go.” His voice was sharp and angry.

  I knew it would be pointless and borderline dangerous to argue with him. I still shot him an angry look that let him know that I didn’t appreciate being talked to that way. Roman was taking me home, and I knew we would have it out before this night was over. As much as I dreaded it, I knew it needed to happen. The valet drove up with the car and Roman tipped him generously and then helped me inside. Once I was securely inside, he climbed in, put his seatbelt on, and sped off into the night. I could feel the tension rolling off of him while I was trying to remain calm and have a rational mind about everything I just learned tonight.

  It’s not fair to judge Roman based off of hearing one side of the story even though that’s exactly what he’s done to me regarding Carter. I still plan on giving him the benefit of the doubt and I pray that he tells me the truth.

  Neither of us said anything while he sped on the highway heading to my apartment. Soon he was pulling up in front of my building and he parked the car and turned off the engine. Finally he looked at me with angry eyes; his face was almost stone-like it was so serious.

  “I’d like to come inside so we can talk. What I have to tell you is not something I want to do inside of my car or outside of your apartment building.”

  My hand was trembling and my pulse was racing. I wanted to hear what Roman had to say, but I couldn’t help being afraid of what I was going to hear.

  “Okay,” was all I managed to say in return.

  Roman wasted no time exiting the car and helping me out. He held on to my hand as we walked to the front door of my apartment building and I let us inside. Once we were at my apartment door, I unlocked it and walked inside, turning on the lights.

  “Can I get you anything?”

  “No, thank you, I’m fine.”

  I walked to the kitchen and put my clutch and keys on the counter while I grabbed myself a bottled water out of the fridge. When I came back, I saw that Roman had unbuttoned his tuxedo jacket, untied his tie, and unbuttoned the first two buttons of his shirt and was sitting on my couch, waiting for me to join him.

  Chapter Thirteen - The Past Revisited (Roman)

  Sarah took my breath away when I first saw her. She looked like a beautiful goddess or a queen in her beautiful flowy dress. I liked the way she pinned up her hair, and all I could think about was taking the pins out and running my fingers through it as I ravished her lips. I wanted to kiss her so bad, but I forced myself to save our kiss for later.

  At the art museum we had a wonderful time. She stayed by my side, but I also kept her hand in mine. I had to keep touching her in some form or another. I’m glad Sarah didn’t resist and relaxed with me. Once we were done meeting and greeting people, we ventured off into the huge museum and began looking at some beautiful pieces of art. I never wanted our night to end; I was enjoying myself with Sarah so much. Her laugh was so infectious that I found myself wanting to see and hear more of it. I craved it. I loved the way she looked up to me when I spoke, listening to every word and giving me her full attention. She took a genuine interest in everything I had to say, and it warmed my heart. In turn, I gladly gave her my undivided attention until the appearance of a man I hated with my entire soul emerged out of the bowels of the Detroit sewers and ruined everything: Carter Williams.

  I tried my best to keep my anger under control in front of Sarah, but once she told me that she not only knew Carter, but used to be his girlfriend, I wanted to explode. I wanted to rip the entire art museum apart with my bare hands. How could this be happening? What were the odds that this beautiful woman standing before me, this woman whose company I thoroughly enjoy and whose touch I crave, had dealings with one of my most-hated enemies from my past? I knew there was a lot that Sarah and I didn’t know about one another, but I couldn’t help thinking that only the lowest of the low could associate with the likes of Carter Williams. He was a horrible person - as well as deadly and ruthless. How much did Sarah know about him? Now my mind wandered further to thoughts of Carter touching Sarah, being intimate with her and doing who knows what to her, and my anger began to spiral out of control.

  Sarah looked at me with eyes full of mixed emotions as I stared at her. She was confused, hurt, and now angry, but I was still too wrapped up in my own thoughts to understand why until she told me that I was looking at her in a judgmental way and she stormed off.

  Shit. I knew I should have gone after her, but I needed to calm down first. The sight of Carter, knowing he was breathing the same air as I was made my blood boil. I wanted to kill him with my bare hands for all the things he did that led to me having to kill his little brother Jameel. None of that would have happened if Carter had simply minded his own business. He was a small-time drug dealer trying to impress some bosses by trying to stupidly take on a larger drug cartel that included my father and uncle. I will never allow anyone or anything to hurt my family, and I protected them like I always have. Taking that boy’s life was not part of the plan, but I had no other choice.

  By the time I had gotten my anger halfway under control I had no idea where Sarah was, and Carter had also mysteriously disappeared into the crowd. I needed to find Sarah and apologize. I had hurt her and I didn’t mean to. It was time for me to come clean to her about my past, and it needed to happen that night.

  I had finally spotted Sarah and she was walking fast. I didn’t like the look on her face either. She looked like she had seen a ghost, and that’s when I knew that she had spoken with Carter. I had no doubt in my mind that he told her that I killed his brother, but of course leaving out why. I had to fix that and soon.

  As I sat on Sarah’s comfortable couch, I watched every move she made until she sat beside me. She placed her bottled water on a coaster on her coffee table and began to take off her sexy, high-heeled sandals. She placed them off to the side and then tucked her legs underneath her as she gave me her full attention. My eyes kept drifting to her full lips and my mouth began to water. I had to taste her; I needed to kiss her no
w. I leaned in and cupped the side of her face and brushed my lips against hers.

  Sarah gasped and pulled back and asked, “What are you doing, Roman?”

  “I need to kiss you, Sarah, I can’t wait any longer,” I responded gruffly before I claimed her soft lips. I didn’t hide my hunger or need for her; I wanted her to feel what I felt, and I wanted her to give back the same passion in return. Sarah moaned in protest at first but quickly gave in to my demanding lips and tongue. Her fingers found their way into my hair as she tugged on it and massaged my scalp. She was driving me crazy. I dragged my lips from hers and planted sweet kisses on her cheek, down her neck until I reached her delicate collarbone and bare shoulder. Her skin was so soft and she smelled so good I didn’t want to stop my exploration of her.

  Her soft pants and moans called out strongly to the alpha male in me to give her more, so much more, but that’s not what I was here for. There would be time for that later - I will make sure of it.

  “Roman, what are you doing to me?” Sarah moaned. “We need to talk.”

  I found her lips again and gave her one last sound kiss before I looked into her half-closed, passion-filled eyes. Sarah wanted me just as badly as I wanted her and that pleased me.

  “I’ve wanted to kiss you all night. Being angry and frustrated will never change that.”

  Sarah looked down at her lap. I took a deep breath and lifted her chin so that she looked me in the eyes when I told her about my past.

  “My grandfather, father, and uncle have had ties to the mob and drug cartels for as far back as I can remember. Being the oldest son, they expected me to follow in those same footsteps, but that wasn’t the life I wanted for myself. I’ve always wanted to be a legit businessman. I wanted to go to college, get my degrees, and live a normal life, but pressure from my father and wanting to please him is how I ended up making the biggest mistake of my life.”

  Sarah covered my hand with her warm, soft one and said, “I’m listening.”

  “Carter Williams became a thorn in our side when he decided that he wanted to make a name for himself at the expense of our family and what my grandfather, father, and uncle had built. He made deals with our suppliers behind our backs, deals that he knew he couldn’t follow through on, posing as a partner to the Mancini family. We had people coming at us, trying to kill us not knowing why until we found out what this small-time drug dealer was doing. As expected, we retaliated and we hit him hard. Carter’s baby brother Jameel decided he was going to show Carter that he was a true soldier by taking on me and my family by himself. He tried to ambush me at my uncle’s restaurant, not realizing there were security cameras all over the place. I saw him coming a mile away, and I even called Carter to tell him that his brother was at my place looking to cause trouble. Carter simply laughed and said that Jameel was there to carry out a mission and that he was tougher than I thought. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.”

  I paused as I saw tears fill Sarah’s eyes. She got up and walked to her window with her arms wrapped around her.

  I got up and walked to her. I stood behind her and placed a gentle hand on her back.

  “Sarah, what’s wrong?”

  She shook her head slowly from side to side as she wiped away tears. I turned her around and pulled her into my arms and held her close.

  “I’m sorry, I know this is hard for you to hear,” I whispered into her ear.

  “That son of a bitch lied to me. All these years he blamed the mob and the Italians for his brother’s death. He said Jameel was an innocent victim in all of this.”

  I chuckled bitterly. “Of course he told you that. If he admitted to being the cause of his brother’s death he’d be dead or in jail right now. Carter is a coward. Always has been and he always will be. He sacrificed his own brother for status in the drug game, and for what? He’s still a small-time dealer compared to where he wants to be. I’m sure back in his old neighborhood, people think he’s big time, but to people like my father and grandfather, he’s nothing.” I was gently rubbing her back as I held her in my arms. I pulled back just a little so I could raise her chin to look me in the eyes. “Look at me,” I gently urged her.

  When she looked at me with her wet eyelashes, my chest became tight with emotion. I never wanted to see Sarah cry because someone hurt her again. “I’m sorry Carter lied to you and hurt you, but I would have never killed Jameel if I didn’t have to. He left me no choice. He was hell bent on proving to his brother that he had heart. He worshipped Carter. Taking his life haunts me till this day because he was just a boy, a kid used as a pawn in his brother’s pipe dreams.”

  “So that’s the regret you were talking about, taking Jameel’s life?” Sarah asked.

  “Yes. It will always be the biggest regret of my life.”

  “You were put in a tough situation, Roman. I don’t know what more you could have possibly done. I loved Jameel like my own baby brother, and you’re right, he worshipped Carter. I just never thought he’d go that far. I’m also not surprised that Carter let him. I can’t believe I dated him.”

  Sarah backed out of my arms and sat back on the couch. She opened her bottled water and took a few sips from it before placing it back on the coffee table. I sat next to Sarah and looked at her, admiring her beauty and realizing how easy it was for any man to fall for her, including a low life like Carter Williams. Nevertheless, I had to know how Sarah came to be Carter’s girlfriend.

  “How did you come to date the likes of Carter Williams?” I asked. The other elephant in the room was finally being addressed. Sarah stared at me for a long time before she gave a rueful laugh.

  “You say that as though Carter was beneath me. Well at the time he wasn’t. Not too long ago I was a horrible person, Roman. That’s what Carter and I had in common because we both were unapologetic about how awful we treated others. I always knew of Carter from around the ‘hood. People either feared or looked up to him, and women wanted to be with him. He was handsome, suave, and dangerous. Women loved that, including myself. Our paths crossed because I had a drug problem, and I often bought my drugs from his sellers. One day he saw me, asked me to go with him to some party, cleaned me up, and shortly after that we began to date.”

  I appreciated Sarah’s honesty, but my stomach was churning.

  “Carter kept me supplied with all the cocaine I wanted,” Sarah continued. “…made sure I never overdosed, and he’d show me off to his business associates at different functions at clubs, or some other semi-fancy party. That was our life for about a year and a half.”

  “Did he beat you, Sarah?” Deep down I already knew the answer because I knew the type of man Carter was, but I had to hear it from her. I saw the shame come over Sarah as her shoulders slumped and she looked down at her hands.

  “All the time. Most of the time I was so high I didn’t even feel it. Whenever I came down from my high was when I’d see or feel the bruises on me.”

  He took advantage of Sarah when she was at her most vulnerable, and that was despicable to me.

  “Jesus Christ, Sarah.”

  I closed my eyes and rubbed my head.

  “You were honest with me so I need to be honest with you. I’m a recovering addict, Roman, and I will always be a recovering addict. I’ve relapsed many times over the years, but always fought my way back. I’ve been clean for almost six months now, and I’m seeing a therapist twice a week and going to my AA meetings once a week. That’s why I told you that my life is a mess and you deserve better, and I still feel that way,” Sarah explained.

  “I’m a recovering alcoholic myself. After I killed Jameel I drowned my pain in alcohol. I’ve been sober for ten years now so I know how hard it is to maintain your sobriety. Going to these balls and black-tie events aren’t easy for me, Sarah. I still get tempted. That will be my cross to bear for the rest of my life, but being an alcoholic isn’t a life I ever want to go back to either. That’s why I continue to go to my AA meetings. I’m telling you all of this to let y
ou know that you’re not alone. I know what it’s like to feel unworthy of love and affection. It’s one of the reasons why I buried myself in my work for so many years.”

  I saw the shock in Sarah’s eyes as we stared at each other for the next few moments. We both were allowing our confessions to sink in.

  “Then you understand how hard all of this is for me,” Sarah whispered as a single tear escaped her eye.

  I reached out and tenderly wiped it away. “Yes, I understand how hard all of this is for you. A lot has happened tonight, a lot of old wounds from the past have resurfaced, but none of that changes the fact that I like you. None of it changes the fact that I enjoy your company, that I think you’re sexier than hell, beautiful, smart, and funny.” I knew I was embarrassing Sarah from the way she blushed so deeply, but I felt she needed to hear these things because they were all true. I told her as much as I could without completely baring my soul to her. Truth is, I liked Sarah a lot and I wanted more than friendship with her. I was trying my best not to push for more, but it was damn hard not to. Despite her many hang-ups, I’m was still drawn to this woman. I know there’s more to Sarah than what she was showing. I know underneath it all there was a good woman, but no one ever took the time to really see it.

  Sarah finally managed to smile shyly at me before she spoke. “I like you too, Roman. I guess I was afraid that if you knew what was really going on with me that you’d run the other way, and we haven’t even scratched the surface of my other issues with my parents.”

  “Whatever it is, we’ll deal with it when the time comes. None of us are perfect, and I’m a prime example of that.”

  “I can be hard to deal with at times,” Sarah stated.

  I shrugged my shoulders and stated, “I’m not a patient man, and I can have a temper at times. We’re two strong willed and stubborn people who are still works in progress.”