Waiting Period: A Novel

by Hubert Selby Jr.

  … have to keep all this stuff neat. All good stuff … good photos. Somebody put quality stuff on the web. By the time I get to wherever Im going to go I/ll recognize these guys in the dark with their backs turned to me. Yeah, where am I going to go? Who knows. I/ll recognize it when I come across it. Must be some place other than the barbecue where they all get together … some place public … accessible. Somewhere in all this information is the place. Some place where a stranger wouldnt be noticed. Just an anonymous face among many. No connection to Big Jim. A nothing before the trial, a nothing since only now hes a well-known nothing. Likes Marlboro cigarettes, coffee, beer, rutabagas, biscuits and gravy, ribs, grits, etc., etc … Well, I have plenty of time. I also have a bundle of information. Eyes are closing. Krist, no wonder, its late. Thats the trouble with stopping for a minute, realize youre exhausted. Another day. Incredible. Those other days were an eternity, these last 2 have gone by in the wink of an eye. These eyes aint winking. God, look at that pile of paper. No wonder my eyes are closing. Ive gone through a bundle of stuff. Oh thats great. Really been productive. Tomorrows another day. Another day closer to Big Jims demise. Yeah. Thats it! Ol Big Jim Kinsey has given me a reason to live. I/ll never have to suck on the barrel of a gun again. My life is not meaningless, purposeless. Youth springs eternally in my mind and heart. How about you Jimbo? What springs in your heart and mind? God, I/d love to know. Do you even have a heart? I know you have a mind, one that is corrupt and contaminated, like a cess pool. A terrible place to be. Maybe Quayle was thinking of you Jimbo … a mind is a terrible thing. Especially when it is allowed to go unattended. Was there ever an attempt to tend yours? Did you get your heart broken when you was a youngun and that poisoned your unattended mind? Did the kids poke fun at the hole in your britches? Did they tease you because of your cowlick? What manner of abuse desiccated your heart and defiled your mind? Or is it genetic? Does ignorance and bigotry become genetic after so many generations? Are you a product of your environment, your family, of States Rights? Perhaps youre just a rotten son of a bitch and would always be a rotten son of a bitch no matter what mommy and daddy did or didnt do. Achhh, cant let myself get caught up in this and allow his disease to infect me. Dont need to carry this garbage to sleep with me. Imperative I remain detached, objective, no emotional involvement one way or the other. Right, no more so than a surgeon about to amputate an infected limb that is endangering a persons life. Must remain detached to be effective. No, youre not going to infect me James Kinsey. I am going to stretch out on my bed and allow myself to ease into a restful and refreshing sleep and awake in the morning with the gentle sunlight coming through the shades and curtains and joyously greet the new day and smile and sing as I get up, take a leak, shower, shave, dress, and continue to discover more about the Jim Kinsey of the past so I can, as rapidly as possible, guarantee he has no future.

  The man moves me. His sentiments are so heartfelt, are they not? It is not just that he is without fault. No. It is now his virtue that shines forth so brilliantly … as does his awareness.

  … forgot about food again. Better nuke something and get back to work. Good idea to take a few minutes off and think about this, what am I eating??? Hmmm, Meatless Lasagna. What do you know? Thought it was a turkey dinner. Need to think about this. Ton of info on those guys—damn, cant get used to two being women. Wonder why? Strange. Guess they did let women on the juries, at least white women. Didnt realize Joey was Josephine, and Les was Leslie. Cant really tell from the old jury pictures. Sort of fuzzy. Wasnt looking for women. Oh well, no big deal. Two are women. Got 10 lb. dossiers on all of them. Doesnt really help. Cant find the Lowest Common Denominator. No point in still hunting. Maybe cant get them all at one time. Yeah, might be that way. Well, we/ll see what Providence has in mind. Getting them all at once can be a stretch. Who knows what opportunity may present itself … Of course they will have to be addressed too. Fact that theyre women doesnt change that. They all share in the responsibility. Matter of Equal Rights. Womens Lib proved that. Wouldnt want to have a discrimination suit filed against me by NOW No indeed. Can they file one against an ‘anonymous’ person? How would they do that? Jane Doe/John Doe? To Whom it May Concern? Wonder how the courts will deal with that? Interesting legal question. Theyre both mothers … and the men are fathers, least 8 of them are. Funny how thats supposed to make a difference. If youve given birth to a child your responsibility diminishes. Crazy. Culpable is culpable. Have to decide, now, if I should continue—no, no. No more checking these people. I/ll go nuts. Focus on Big Jim. Must be common place. He/ll show me the way. Where would they all go where I wouldnt be noticed? If I turned myself into a woodpecker I/d be noticed in that town. Must be someplace in the area … like a cokcola bottling plant, that would be big doings … a horse race, pig race, some damn thing—yeah, pig race. County Fair. Wouldnt they all go to a County Fair? Must. What the hell else is there to look forward to? Easter egg hunt? Probably all go together. Sure. Same bus. Have a good ol time. I guess. Wouldnt they show up sooner or later? Dont have to get them all the same day. Would a belly full of beer kill the bugs? Dont think so. Can check that out. County Fair. Sounds good. Probably at the County Seat. Think thats how it usually works. Can check all that out easy enough. Just make sure I have plenty of culture. Yeah, a lot of it, they need all the culture they can get. Might civilize those yahoos. Always said lack of culture was their problem—Whoa, whoa, whoa, whats this, Leslie Snopes wins third place in sharpshooting at the County Fair Gun Show! Of course, thats where theyll all congregate. They aint no stinkin farmers. No, but they sure are a bunch of pigs. Sure looks happy. Big ass grin. Gun looks like a part of her. Oh, wait a minute, NOW should check this out. She got the medal for 3rd place in the ‘Womens Division’ even though she got a higher score than the 3rd place man. Think I/ll call the Equal Rights Commission. This is blatant sexism. I am aghast, flabbergasted to see that there is sexism in the sunny south. Guess they forgot how to keep them barefoot and pregnant. Wonder how ol Big Jim feels about this. Dont see him congratulating her. Matter of fact dont see any men. Couple of kids … hmmm, grandchildren. Guess its tolerable. Its not like she can chop a tree down faster, or change a tire faster, or rebuild an old Chevy faster, or drink beer faster. Thats still the inviolable province of men … real men. And, of course, murderin niggas. Big Jim may not even know her, so to speak. Just a nodding acquaintance on the street. Seems like the women never had anything to do with lynching and other forms of murder. Maybe just agitate … provoke. Power behind the scene. No, they dont need anyone pushing them into it. Sure Big Jim wasnt willing to let the Black Doctors go their way until some woman threatened his manhood and shamed him into it. As a matter of fact theres nary a mention of Ol Jimbo and a woman. Friends say he is a ‘sportin man’ so I guess he does get laid from time to time, but never no girlfriend, not even in high, school. Sunday school? Maybe the lamb in the manger. Careful Jimbo, dont want to make your favorite goat jealous. Those kids sure look proud of their Grandma. Oh well, why not? She won something. I suppose she loves her grandchildren as much as any grandmother. They say Hitler loved his dog. Im sure all those people who spent their working day participating in some way in the death of those millions of people love their kids. Ahhh, this is all bullshit. Let the philosophers worry about all that. Evil is evil, period. Just because a man loves his children doesnt mean he should be allowed to murder whomever he chooses. There comes a time when we must say no to the tyranny of ignorance and do whatever is needed to bring about its demise. Jefferson and the other Founding Fathers knew that all too well. Oh god, Im tired. Eyes feel like two piss holes in a snow bank. Enough of this mental masturbation. County Fair is the place. Think they usually happen around September, check it out tomorrow. Feel dizzy. To bed, to bed … to bed and sleep, to sleep perchance to dream. Aye, theres the rub, for in that dream of Big Jims death what peace will come? A whole bunch I would say. Yeah, yuall bet yo cotton pickin ass. Goodnight Mrs Calabash, wherever you are. />
  The more he pursues his quarry the more jovial and playful does he become. It would appear there is more than the winking of an eye operating here.

  … really have no choice, they were just as eager as the men to let Big Jim off, and have been participating in the celebration every year. Shit, not only participating but contributing, eagerly. ‘… thas raight, me an Les been bakin paies an crullers an batches a fritters … ol Jim jus loves his corn fritters … ah sometimes figure he thinkin about them corn fritters all the year, we doan givem none no other time …’ Damn, you can hear them giggling and laughing just reading this. You can actually see how proud they are of what theyve done and are doing. Not only no apology or questioning their actions, but absolute pride. No, I cant allow myself to get caught up in this ‘preferential treatment’ for women. They are all equally guilty. Just have to dismiss all qualms about the women. They have been arguing for equal pay for equal work for years and I will most assuredly abide by that request … oh yes indeedy do. We sho enuf bake our big fat asses off, sho nuf, sho nuf. Corn fritters!!!! Oh … is it possible? Die from eating corn fritters? Oh dear god in heaven, let me find a way to dispatch, with extreme prejudice, Big Jim with corn fritters. Please Lord, please … pretty please with sugar on it. I/ll make a novena, say a hundred Hail Marys and a fistful of Our Fathers. I/ll even make already a pilgrimage to the Bronx (god bless the mark). Whoa now, easy does it. Dont let personal pride and satisfaction get in the way of our responsibility. The important thing is to free the world of that vermin, thats number one. Must remember, first things first. Then comes the jury. And certainly do not want to end up in prison for it so must be simple food poisoning. To do it at the ‘barbecue’ is taking an unnecessary risk, the exposure would be dangerous. Thats where they have the corn fritters. Would probably have them at the Fair, but dont know if possible there. It would be like a lifetime of Christmases and Birthdays, but cant jeopardize myself for the ego satisfaction. However … wouldnt it be wonderful? No, no, drop it. Krist, as it is its not all that easy. Getting enough culture into Big Jim, and the jury, is going to take some work. Certainly dont know ahead of time about the effectiveness of the culture, always the possibility that it wont be effective. Have some that I know is lethal, and have ample time to let that grow … say in unpasteurized apple juice. Should make it easy to dispense. Have to be careful, very careful. May just as well get this all straight in my head now. Easiest way to dispense it is in the ever present cokcola. Need to bring a large amount to be certain. Have time to get more information, but seems like will need a large dose of very virulent culture in case theyre drinking a lot of beer. The alcohol may destroy at least some of the culture. Still a lot of work to be done. Plenty of time, no rush. Maybe I should check out some other fairs first to familiarize myself. Not a good idea. Get accustomed to one layout and if the other is different it may cause confusion. No, have to keep it simple. Plan but not project. Need to remember to live in the now and respond to the moment. No good to stay locked in a plan. Must keep flexible. No way of knowing what I will encounter. I/ll know what to do when it is time to do it. For now, let it all go. Need to take better care of myself. No need to get so immersed in work I forget to eat. I have time. A couple of months before the County Fair opens. More than ample time to do all that needs doing. Must pay close attention to details. Get each and every detail in proper order and everything will be just fine. Okay, time to give you, and me, some rest. See you in the morning.

  The mans prayer moves and pleases me. I reach down and Bless him, My Light Shine upon and through him from this day forward through all eternity. He is most pleasing to my eye, deserving in my heart. Peace be yours my son.

  Seems like such a long time since I turned you on. Seems like years since I ate breakfast before turning you on. Did you think I left town? Well, fear not noble friend and co-worker. Should only be a few more days of such intense work on our little project then we can get back to business as usual, at least for a while. Soon I/ll be going away for a few days, but I shall return. I feel such a power in my hands, fingers, and a peace in my heart. I am filled with an incredible lightness of being as if I am part of the air I breathe—enough, enough of such whimsy and ethereal thoughts. To work. There are serious deeds to perform, and much preparation needed to perform them. Yes, yes, by all means, we will start with the days of the Fair. The love potion has already been mixed and even now foments its message of love knowing full well that I will deliver it. Oh yes, I will deliver it you assless, potbellied boil on the armpit of life. You will know how much you are loved. And the other ten prime examples of human dignity. For love has truly pitched its tent in the place of excrement (sorry about that WBY). Now for the method of delivery. Cokcola best. But will stay open to all necessity … however it may present itself. Some foods are always a possibility: beans, chili, barbecue … Getting it on the food undetected. Looks like youve given me all the help you can for now. Thank you kindly mam. Hmmm … I guess so. Just like a ship is ‘she’. Theyre such workhorses, yet theyre called ‘she’. Well, they do have beautiful lines. Is that why theyre called she? Somehow dont think so. Check that out sometime. Are a lifeline. So are you sweetheart. A line to anyplace, anywhere. Certainly a line to the heart of the matter we/re concerned with. Okay, I/ll give you a rest and all this a little thought. … yeah, thats true, doesnt all have to happen in one day. Lasts a week. Theyll be there couple of days. Suppose it doesnt kill them? Always a possibility. A very distinct possibility. Have to accept that. Didnt know if it would work with Barnard. This is not a one shot deal. Can always try again, and again. Do whatever is necessary. Certain things are a priori in a situation like this. Not going to test the culture on some poor, innocent little creature. Killing vermin like Big Jim is one thing, but a pussy cat … that would be an abomination. Enough of this meaningless speculation. Went through all this with Barnard. This is so much more complicated … and dangerous. Lets see, whats needed? First: A safe, fool proof way to transport the culture. Second: Safe, fool proof way to ‘deliver’ it..: I think thats the phrase. Vials, stoppers and wax should keep it safe. Just like canning food. Do it right, dont want botulism. Can make you sick, even kill you. Krist, have to stop this nonsense. No time for stupid jokes. Seal them and pack them in styrofoam. Thats no problem. Its at the Fair … need to think this through … Wait! No more circles. What worked with Barnard will work with anyone. No more agonizing over this. Finished. Over. Just get to culturing whats needed. Have to remember, first things first. Stop shaving. No haircut. Should look just like everyone else when I get there. God thats a terrible thought. However … Disappear in the crowd. Give my brain a rest until then.

  Hi.

  Hi.

  How long you fixin to stay?

  Not sure exactly.

  You here for the Fair?

  Fair?

  The

  County Fair.

  Oh. Maybe so. See how it works out. Ahh, which way is it from here?

  Just go down 37 a ways, an past the Mobil Station youll see a fork. Take the left. Plenty a signs. Only couple a miles.

  Thanks. Just might do that.

  Nice enough room. Can actually turn around. Stretch out for a little while, then see what the Fair is like. Should I carry all the bottles? Seems strange. A dozen. Nobodys going to see them. No one is going to check my inside pockets in my jacket. Have to stop feeling self-conscious. It always attracts attention. Have to always be prepared. The perfect opportunity may be there and if I dont have enough … right. They all come with me. Tested them a hundred times, never leaked a drop. No problem. I/ll bring a dozen.

  Damn, only a few cars in the parking lot … and a thousand pickup trucks … Well, here goes. Just walk around and let Providence guide me. If the Red Sea can be parted I should be able to find a couple of good ol boys in this crowd … Hmmm, that food smells good. Time to eat … Guess I/ll park myself here and look around while I eat. Everybody looks so similar. Didnt think I/d have this problem. Don
t want to make a mistake. This is not an act of terrorism but retribution. Vengeance may be the Lords, but Im going to give him a little help. I/ll just drift through the crowd and … hmmm, skeet shooting contest tomorrow … might be a good idea if I checked out the area so I—Oops, ahm sorry, hope I didnt (my God! Its Les) get anythin on yuall.

  Oh, ah, no, not at all.

  Must be gettin clumsy in my old age. Here, let me put this tray down an clean up this dress, just put it on clean this mornin an look at it, now aint that a sight (got to get a bottle out … she really looks like a grandmother). Would you keep a eye on this tray while I get some more napkins?

  Oh … certainly, yeah. (Just move it over and … over. Simple. Done.)

  A little cold water should take care of it. Should dry up jus fine.

  I would think so—

  Now what chuall doin Les, flirtin with this here young man?

  Now you be hushin your mouth Clyde an that means no laughin too.

  Can I put down this tray and join yuall anyway?

  Dont this jus beat all, clean an crisp when I left the house an—

  Hey, youre not leavin?

  Sorry, have to meet someone. Dont want to be late.

  Well, I sure know what you mean.

  Now Clyde, you stop that school boy grinnin and laughin an let the man be. Dont pay him no mind.

  Ahh, nice meeting you … all.

  Oh god, have to walk straight, not too fast, easy does it. No panic. Just keep smiling and moving toward the parking lot. Have to get to the car. Just one step at a time. Move one foot then the other. Breathe, breathe. Doesnt make any difference how, just breathe. Never mind slow and deep. Fuck the panic, just keep breathing and moving. Every step and every breath the car is closer, and closer. Dont run? Krist, I couldnt if I tried. Oh shit, wheres the car? I know, I know, D-7. No need to panic, just move and breathe, move and breathe. God that sun is hot. Not too bad under those canopies, but out here … my throat is actually dry and raspy. Where the hells the car, it should be right there … yeah, right, behind the pickup truck. Cant see it from here. Oh thank god, there it is. Few more feet. Jesus its hot in here. Get these windows open and ac on. Whew, thats better. Just sit, catch my breath, calm down. Still too shaky to drive. Few more minutes. My head is spinning. Okay, now relax … now breathe deep and slow … yeah, relax. Got to get out of here but cant drive until Im relaxed. Deep and slow … Just be aware. Drive slowly, but not too slow, dont draw attention. Take it easy … yeah …