by Kahlen Aymes
"Oh, we were, but I thought this would be more fun." It was apparent in the way she was dressed, her facial expression and how she looked at me that she was hoping to turn this into a date, one that ran beyond morning coffee or tutoring.
I had my notes out already, so I flipped a couple of pages back and waited.
She got up and ordered a beverage and then looked at me. I hastily got up and paid for her coffee. I felt irritated at being forced into this situation but my mother would kill me if I didn't act properly.
"So Ryan, where are you from? Claire told me that you were from Illinois, but what part?" Her cheeks flushed as she watched me stare at her. My eyes were hard but I sighed.
"Chicago. Look, Liza, let's just get to the books, ok? Do you have questions?" I asked sardonically.
She pouted as she looked at me. "I just want to know you better, is that so bad? I saw that movie, Chicago.”
Seriously? I inwardly cringed. The movie was set in the 1920’s and didn’t show any of the city as it was now.
"Anyway, it looked sort of pretty, but so much crime, right? Ick."
Not any more than any other major city, dipshit. "Make sure never to move there, then." I said flatly. The fine rein I held on my annoyance was slipping fast. "Liza, it's important that I remain focused on school during my time in Boston. You should, too, judging by the trouble you're having in microbiology. I'm really, uh, not looking..."
Her lower lip trembled, her feelings clearly hurt. Instantly I felt contrite, but I was also worried about the repercussions with Julia.
"Look...I'm sorry. I'm just preoccupied. I've got a lot on my mind."
"My micro teacher hates me. When I ask for help, he just tells me to read the book. I hate reading!"
I wondered how in the hell she ever got into Harvard at this rate. Fuck, she made my head ache.
"Who was on the phone?" she asked coyly, trying to gauge my expression. I stopped digging in my backpack for a pen and glanced up at her quickly before resuming what I was doing.
"That isn't important. We’re here for microbiology, so..."
"Ryan!"
I pulled the pen out and opened the book to the chapter on viruses and how they attached to human cells. "Yeah?"
She reached across the table to put a cold hand on mine. "Can't we be friends? We're forced in that damn lab together, and I just thought we might make the best of it. What's wrong with that?"
Nothing, if that was what she wanted.
I pulled my hand back and picked up the coffee as I leaned back in my chair; as if getting farther away from her physically would make her back off. Her perfume was making me gag anyway. It was sweet and flowery and made my nose burn.
"Look, Harvard has always been my dream and friends are just...not a priority for me. It's nothing personal."
"All work and no play make Ryan a dull boy. And besides, whoever was on the phone was a friend, so..." she began but I cut her off shortly.
"No. She was not a friend. More like a lifetime commitment."
For a brief moment I saw disappointment and hurt flash across her features before it changed into a calculating stare.
"But she's not here... in Boston?"
I bit my lip and waited. "Are we studying or not? You have ten seconds to decide or I need to leave."
"Ok, we'll study, Mr. Cranky Pants. But Ryan, I am in Boston," she said suggestively and scooted her chair closer around the table. "Don't forget that."
Just focus on the pages, Ryan. And get away from this bitch as fast as you possibly can.
Julia ~
I was exhausted after a full day of working with Mike on location. The apartment was dark, so Ellie was either out with Harris or in bed. I turned the small lamp on in the entryway and threw the mail on the side table.
I loved my job, but hated the long hours and never seeing Ryan. I longed for the days when I'd call him and within minutes he was plopping down next to me. Lately, we weren’t even talking much.
Like today. I missed him so much it was practically unbearable.
My heart thumped inside my chest at the sound of that woman in the background. Things were getting weird, which I should expect, with the distance and lack of communication between us.
This was the longest we'd ever gone without seeing each other and there was so much we didn't know. For instance, what were we to each other and who was that woman? Was he dating someone? What was he doing with his time and who was he doing it with? Was he lonely? Did he miss me?
Maybe I didn't want to know. It was my own damn fault. I should have taken the opportunity to have him that last night in Boston. Then maybe I wouldn't be feeling sorry for myself and he'd have no doubt that I wanted him.
I kicked the shoes off my aching feet and wandered into my bedroom, unbuttoning my blouse and going into my closet to hang up the jacket to my plum colored suit. The closet was full of similar outfits. Thank God Ellie had connections in the fashion industry. She set me up with everything I could possibly need. I had two dozen suits from the hottest designers and just as many pairs of the latest shoes and bags lined the shelves.
I shed the rest of my clothes and padded into the bathroom and turned on the water in the tub. I took a towel off the rack and, wrapping it around me, went to get a glass of wine. The bright numbers on the microwave clock glared at me. 11 PM. I silently groaned, letting my head fall back on my way back to the bathroom.
So much for Ryan calling later. It was 2 AM in Boston.
I lit the candle and sank down into the hot, scented water. With the wine balancing in my right hand, I closed my eyes and tried to clear my mind of work, of Mike's blatant flirting, and of missing Ryan.
Missing Ryan.
I sighed and brought my free hand to my temple. My head ached and my fingers pushed to offset the pressure. Was I was trying to erase the pain or the sound of that irritating voice behind Ryan's on the telephone? I struggled to picture the face and body that went with it.
Ugh. I was back in college again, alone and longing for him while he was with some other woman. If being on opposite coasts didn't change that shit, what would?
I drew a shaky breath. Ryan and I needed to talk. This wasn't working and it was driving me crazy; this helpless feeling that made me sick to my stomach. Since I wasn't moving to New York anytime soon, the only way to avoid it was to create even more distance from him, and know even less of what was going on in his life. But, was knowing less even possible? Considering how we are at the polar opposite of where we were two months ago, I didn't think so. That amazing night in Boston... being so close to him, thinking we were finally going to be more, had completely messed up our best friend dynamic.
Now this woman; what I didn't know, wouldn't hurt me.
Yeah, right.
What did I expect? I took this job and was devoting every waking hour to it. I did this knowing he'd wanted me in New York.
He was beautiful and intelligent, with everything to offer. Women must be throwing themselves at him, and one thing was certain, he was all man. I couldn't expect that he’d be celibate, especially when we hadn't even talked about the state of our relationship.
I'd placed my Blackberry on the small table beneath the window next to the bathtub within reach, just in case. Pathetic.
I sat there for a while and added more hot water to the tub, sipping my wine until my eyes started to droop, when the phone vibrated on the table.
I reached out and grabbed it quickly, my heart praying it was Ryan. Water splashed out of the tub and onto the tile floor, saturating my towel.
Crap.
"Hello?"
"Hey." Ryan's voice was tired, but still velvet and soothing.
"It's late, Ryan. Why are you still up?"
"Well... I'm happy to talk to you, too!" he snapped.
I sighed. Shit this wasn't where I wanted to begin this conversation.
"I am happy to talk to you, but I don't want you to be tired."
He was irritated. "Fuck, Julia. I'm a bi
g boy. I go to med school and everything."
My lips flat lined and I frowned. "Did you call just to be a dick?"
"No." He sighed deeply. "I thought we needed to talk and I can’t reach you any other time of day." His frustration poured through the phone.
"I'm sorry, but um...you've been pretty unavailable, too. It's just how things are right now. It isn't the way I want it."
"How do you want it then?" He was impatient and pissy.
"Do we have to have this fight again? I'm doing everything I can to get a damn promotion but I haven't been here long enough, Ryan!"
Silence. I could hear him breathing hard on the other end of the phone.
When he didn't answer, I continued softly, "Besides, it sounded like I'd just be in the way anyway."
"Don't start that shit!" he answered sharply. "You know I want you here. That girl was just someone I was helping with coursework."
"How convenient it was in the middle of our phone call," I said bitterly. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I felt my throat thicken and tears prick the back of my eyes. My voice was trembling and I wasn't sure if it was my emotions or the water getting cold around me that was making me shiver.
"She followed me! We were supposed to meet at the library!" I could picture him running his hands through his hair.
"It doesn't matter, Ryan. It's none of my business."
"I can't take this shit, Julia. Of course it's your business!" he said angrily.
I didn't answer; instead rising from the water and finding a towel in the hall closet, since the other one now lay in a saturated heap.
"You were in the bathtub?" He heard the water slosh.
My teeth chattered as I answered. "Y..y..yeah."
He groaned on the other end of the phone, "Oh, God."
I wrapped the towel around me and went into my room. The sheets were soft and welcoming as I pulled the covers up to my chin.
"I'm freezing. Sorry for the chattering."
He took a deep breath.
"So now you're in the bed, naked? You're killing me."
I felt my body react to his voice and his words. My skin practically vibrated with it.
"Ryan...I realize that this distance thing is a problem and we should have talked before. I get how unfair it is. I mean...I don't even know what the hell is going on with you."
"What I know is that I miss the shit out of you," he said softly, but with defeat in his tone.
My eyes burned like fire. "I miss you, too...but what do you miss? I mean...are you missing your friend?"
"Yes." My heart sank and a tear slipped silently from beneath my lashes and fell onto my pillowcase. "But I also miss what we should have between us. I feel cheated. I mean we were finally..." he began tentatively.
"I know. I don't know what’s going to happen now, but the fact is...I'm here and you're there. I.. well, it doesn't look like I'll be able to transfer until I've been at Glamour for at least a year. It seems like forever and... you're a man-"
"What exactly are you saying?" his voice was sharper again, sardonic and pissed.
"I'm saying that I understand if you just want to be friends… for now."
"Julia, why are you pushing me away? Is there someone that you're seeing? That photographer?"
"What? No! Ryan...but it doesn't seem fair that you..." My voice was betraying me, emotion making my words stilted. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat as more tears fell. I snuffled.
"Julia. Please stop this. I can't do this on the phone."
What am I supposed to do? I felt like I was falling apart.
"This is what I've been afraid of; that trying to have some sort of romantic relationship would make things weird between us, and I really don't want that. I...just..."
"I can't...don't cry. I'm sorry. I'm just so nuts when we argue, especially when I can't get to you to fix it. Are you going to San Francisco for Thanksgiving?" His voice was tired and I ached to put my arms around him.
"Maybe, I don't know for sure. Dad might have to work anyway and who knows what emergency will come up here. If I have to work the Friday after, I won't have time to go home. Are you going to Chicago?"
"No. I'm coming to you. That's...if you want me. We need to figure this shit out and not on the damned phone."
I rolled onto my side and curled into a ball, drawing my knees to my chest. "Of course, I want you." The double meaning of the words throbbed through me. Did he understand?
“I miss you, sweetheart; so much." Hearing the endearment made it more like he was my boyfriend, like maybe this was real. I ached to tell him I loved him, but didn't want the first time to be on the phone.
His voice was throbbing with emotion. "That girl really was just some airhead from my Gross Anatomy group. She's nothing but a pain in my ass. Really, Julia."
"Okay."
"What is Ellie doing for Thanksgiving?" The velvet voice became even more velvet.
"Going to Harris’ parents, I think."
"For the whole weekend?" His words were slow and I could picture him in my mind; sitting on the floor in front of his bed, plucking at his eyebrow or lower lip.
"I think so. Why?"
"Can you tell Paul that you can't make it and I'll tell my parents that I have to stay at school? I'll come to Los Angeles. We’re going to finish what we started that night in Boston, okay?"
My heart thrummed in my chest and heat and moisture pooled in my lower body. He was so sexy; his voice was making love to me.
"Jules?"
"Yes. I'm scared, Ryan."
"Of me?"
"Of losing you. As much as it kills me to think of you with someone else, I can’t bear losing you. What if..."
"Julia, you can never lose me. Don't you know that yet?"
I nodded even though he couldn't see and took a shaky breath that he must have heard. "Mmm huh."
“So, I'll fly in the Wednesday before Thanksgiving."
"Mmmmm, hmm."
"Are you okay? I worry about you all the time." I closed my eyes and love swelled through my chest to the point of not being able to breathe.
"Yes, now that I can finally hear your voice," I said breathlessly.
"Oh, baby." I heard the blankets rustle and the throp when he punched his pillow. "We'll make this work because I can't live with any other option. I miss you, honey, but I'm going to let you go to bed. Get some clothes on your sexy ass or I won't be able to sleep just thinking about it," he teased lightly.
I smiled through my tears.
"And Julia? Don't forget to remember me...okay?" He said the words he'd said before I left him in Boston.
"That’s impossible," I said achingly. "I hope you enjoy the package. You should get it tomorrow."
"You're an angel. I can't wait. I'll call you."
"Yes. Goodnight, Ryan."
"Night, babe."
I rolled over and closed my damp eyes as the call ended. Three and a half weeks and I'd be in his arms. My heart and body ached in anticipation. I'd never want that weekend to end.
Chapter 4
Julia ~
I put the story boards for the February issue in my office and locked the door behind me, rushing madly to get out of the office and on my way to the airport. Smiling from ear to ear, I ran down the hall to the elevator. I was so excited about seeing Ryan after so long that I wasn't paying enough attention to where I was walking and a split-second later, felt myself slipping on the smooth marble of the corridor, falling backwards and struggling to avoid landing flat on my ass. My hand flew out to brace myself on the wall. By some miracle, I managed to stay upright but my purse went flying and the contents scattered in several directions.
"Shit," I muttered. I glanced at the time as I shoved my phone back into the bag. 6:16. Ryan's plane was landing at 7:30. and if I didn't hurry I'd never make it to the airport in time. Traffic this time of the evening was the worst.
Andrea, my boss' personal assistant, ran over to help me pick up my things.
; "Julia! Are you okay?" Andrea was a beautiful girl with a rosy complexion, sparkling blue eyes and mops of red tresses that hung to the middle of her back. She started at Glamour a few months before me. I coordinated a lot of the photo shoots, production schedules and talent through her, which required us to work closely together. We had become good friends.
Andrea handed me my wallet and a lipstick that had fallen out of my purse with my phone. "Big plans, huh?" she asked.
"Uh, yeah. My..." I hesitated. What was Ryan, exactly? "My best friend is visiting. I haven't seen him since August." I couldn’t stop myself from smiling and I quickly stood up. We resumed the trek to the elevators.
"Him?" She smirked at me. "Is he gorg? What does he do?" Andrea was inquisitive by nature, but especially when it had something to do with the opposite sex. She was a big flirt, but didn't have a steady boyfriend. I hadn't mentioned Ryan before. I was keeping him a secret until I knew exactly what the hell was going on between us.
The floors dinged past as I finished tying the belt on my coat. "Yes. He's very handsome." I closed my eyes and tried to steady my voice. "He's a med student at Harvard." I couldn't help bragging Ryan up a little bit. I was so proud of him.
"Wow, a would-be doctor, and Harvard." Her eyes widened. "Even more impressive."
"Yeah, that pretty much sums him up, all right." The elevators opened and I headed to my car. "Happy Thanksgiving, Andrea!" I said as I hurried off.
"Hey, he sounds amazing, Julia. Maybe you can hook me up?" Her laughter echoed off the concrete walls of the garage.
"Nope! He's all mine!" I said happily as I opened the door to my car and threw my purse in the passenger seat.
As I drove through Los Angeles on my way to LAX, I almost chewed off my lower lip.
Why was I so damn nervous?
Yes, I was so excited that I was jumping out of my freaking skin, but I was uncharacteristically nervous, as well. This was Ryan, and things would be as easy between us as they'd always been.
We'd spent almost every waking, and a lot of sleeping, hours together for the last four years, and knew each other inside and out. He gave me comfort, made me laugh and feel safe.
