Even Max looked long and hard at us both before saying “Love is never easy, dear children, but respect it and it will repay you one hundred fold.”
All we were doing was holding hands but everyone was talking to us as if we had got engaged.
When the children had been taken home and the few other guests had left, Holly and I were left sitting on the terrace with Susannah and Max. I was wondering whether, if I walked her home, Holly would ‘ask me in for coffee’. What would I do then? What would she be expecting me to do? Would I disappoint her? I couldn’t help wishing I had a little more experience of the situation.
Max interrupted my worry by announcing “Holly, my dear, you will be sleeping here with Charles tonight will you not?”
For an old fashioned man Max could sometimes be surprisingly forward.
Not knowing how to answer I looked at Holly, who looked surprised, embarrassed, and a little frightened.
“I am a gentleman who likes formality. You are all probably aware of that.” It was difficult not to smile. “I like events to be celebrated. I like births, marriages and deaths to be noted, I like people’s passing to be talked about. I do not like events to be swept under the carpet.”
I wondered at his ability to say that in all seriousness, but I suspect he was not thinking of events such as murder and blackmail.
“Life events, rites of passage, should be marked. In the old days where I came from men and women did not sleep together until marriage. They slept with other people,” he smiled mischievously, “but they did not sleep with the person they were to marry until the union had been blessed. Where I came from young people were shown their bed, they were undressed and their first union was a public event. No! No! Do not worry.” He must have seen Holly’s look of horror and continued without only the briefest pause. “I did not want the event to go unmarked. Nowadays there is no such ceremony for when people first give themselves to each other. There should be. I am proud that Charles and Holly will show their love for each other under my roof. I am proud that Alicia’s son will not be underhand about this. It is not a thing to be furtive about.”
He stood up, ushering Susannah away, aware that it would be far easier for us if they were not there to watch us go inside and upstairs together.
The following Sunday, the last Sunday in July, we were reading the papers in Holly’s flat. We had decided, after that first morning, that it was less embarrassing if the nights we spent together were not at Sandhey.
Holly had been made very welcome at the breakfast table, but she couldn’t ignore the smiles that passed between Monika and Max, nor could she ignore Susannah’s grin whenever she caught her eye. I remembered what I had felt like that first morning in Oxford with Linda and decided it would be far easier if I stayed with her at the flat.
“Come on, we can’t stay indoors all day. Let’s go to Hilbre.”
We found the local paper and checked the tide times. Come on, we’d better be off if we’re going to get there in time. We had an hour to start the walk across the estuary before the treacherous tide would start rolling in, especially lethal on a hot sunny day when people’s minds were far away from the dangers of the tide.
As we walked along ‘millionaire’s mile’, the wide tree-lined road flanked by large detached houses in their equally well maintained gardens Holly grabbed my arm. “Isn’t that Carl? There, in that yellow sports car?”
I just caught sight of him as he turned off the road into the drive of Millcourt.
“You’re right, there can’t be many people who drive flash cars like that. Why he chose it I don’t know. He’s usually so quiet and reserved.” I was joking but Holly looked at me as if she wasn’t sure.
“He’s gone into Millcourt.” She obviously didn’t understand the significance until I explained. “That’s where Ted lives.”
“I didn’t know that. No wonder he always seems to know what everyone’s up to.”
I began to tell her something of my history. “I used to live there, before it was split into flats. My father bought it from Max at the end of the war, I was two or three years old. That makes me sound very old doesn’t it?”
“Not really, you’re only ten years older than me.”
“and a half.”
“Funny that he bought it from Max.” I hadn’t really thought about that. Holly must have seen something in my face because she didn’t pursue it.
“It must be odd, living in the same place all your life.”
“Not all yet. I might yet live somewhere else.”
“You know what I mean.”
“Well yes I was born in West Kirby, lived in Meols then moved a couple of miles to here when I was two, then Mother left us, then I went to school, then I came back, then Carl and his Mother moved in, then I had a big argument and then I moved all of half a mile across the golf course to live with Max.” I tried to make light of it but realised how sad it sounded.
We were standing, hand in hand, looking across the road, through the open gates in the high stone wall at the lovely grey house covered in creeper.
“Were you happy there?”
“Never.” That wasn’t strictly true but this was no time to tell Holly that the only times I was happy had been the ones I spent with Monika.
“I wonder what Carl’s doing up here. He usually lets me know when he’s coming, to check…”
Holly finished the sentence for me “…to check whether Susannah’s around?”
“Exactly.” I was fascinated. Last week Susannah had seemed so different, so in control of her life and here was Carl.
I wondered if they were finally going to sort themselves out.
“Do you think they’ve made it up?” Holly was obviously thinking the same thing.
“I don’t think they’ve got an argument to make up. I think they just never seemed to understand each other at crucial times. They wanted to say the words but the right ones never came out. I always thought they’d end up together. They were so close even when they were children together. Soul Mates. They were inseparable then.”
“Leaving you out?” She seemed to understand one of the reasons people thought we had not liked each other.
“It didn’t help.”
“Funny to think you’ve had all this security of being in the same place all your life but you had such an unhappy childhood.”
“Odd really, rather than unhappy. There were strands which were happy.”
“Come on, we’re getting too serious.” Holly flirted with him, running her finger up and down his bare arm. “I love men with brown arms and rolled up shirt sleeves. It’s such a turn on.”
“OK. Let’s go. No doubt we’ll find out what’s happening when we get back.”
So we left thoughts of Millcourt, and of Carl, behind us and carried on walking hand in hand down the shady side of the road.
“They’re lethal, those sands.” I said as we set out, amongst the last of many to leave the slipway on that sunny afternoon. “It’s not unusual for people to drown if they get caught out. The water comes in very fast and from unexpected directions. Susannah nearly managed to kill herself, but then she was crossing the wrong route, and Carl’s father did drown.”
I had confused Holly, “I thought…” I saw what she was thinking and answered her unasked questions. “Carl’s Mother married and her husband brought Carl up as his own. He probably never knew Carl wasn’t his. Not many people knew that Carl was my father’s son.”
“They must have done! You’re so alike in so many ways.”
“I think we’re more alike now than ever but if they knew they never said anything.”
“They will have done. You just never heard them.”
She was probably right.
“I was always jealous of him. I thought Carl was so lucky, he had everything, he was the golden boy, he never had any problems, he sailed through childhood, and he always had Susannah.”
“Now you’ve got me.” She pulled me round to face he
r suddenly serious. “It’s not a short term thing this is it?”
“I hope not. It’s taken me long enough to make you realise how I feel so it’s up to you really.”
“I hope not too.” And she stood on tiptoe to kiss me to show she meant it.
“Come on,” when I stopped to draw breath, “we’re getting left behind. There’s not many people behind us.” I turned around “In fact there’s no one behind us. Come on, I think we’d better get a move on.” She picked up on the urgency in my voice and realised that we were well behind the last stragglers heading towards the island. “Let’s walk!” and there was urgency in my voice.
We were never in any real danger, it was a busy weekend afternoon and there were volunteers keeping an eye from both the island and the mainland to make sure no one got into difficulties, and any rescue required would be quickly undertaken. I knew that, but such was my heightened sense of responsibility towards Holly that I was not going to put her in the slightest possible danger. I had never felt so protective about anyone since I had stood up to my father when he wanted to throw Monika out of our home.
As we had expected the islands were very crowded, but we did manage to find a small area of sand that was relatively quiet and isolated.
“Have you told me everything you know about me and my family?” Holly spoke after we had rubbed sun tan lotion into each other and had been roasting in the sun for a while. It was almost as if she had been rehearsing the words. “I don’t think we should have any secrets from each other any more.”
I sat up and replied as I would have done when giving instructions in the office, “Two kinds of knowledge, that we can tell people we know and that we can’t. Firstly, public knowledge. You are the son of Matthew and Mary Eccleston both deceased.”
“Uncontroversial” she took his lead and answered formally with a nod of her head.
“Now the difficult bit. You are the daughter of Mattieu Rebmann, deceased, the niece of Monika Heller, previously Rebecca Rebmann, and the great niece of Maximilian Fischer.”
“Will we ever be able to tell anyone?” She had dropped the falsely formal voice.
“I have promised Max, no one will know of his relationship to Monika until after he is dead. I don’t think even Ted knows.”
“Graham knows.”
“Max has made sure he never gets in a position to tell anyone. He’s made it worth his while to keep schtum.”
“He’s been bought off?” Holly asked “That explains a lot. Has he been ‘bought off’ me as well?”
“It seems to have been all part of the same deal. It had to be.”
“I don’t care how it was done, I’m just glad to get rid of him. I just don’t like the idea of him winning, of him getting something for nothing.”
“I don’t call giving you up nothing.”
It was a few minutes before we continued talking.
“We’ve gone over who I am, who are you?”
I put on my office instruction voice again “I am Charles Arnold George Donaldson, elder son of Arnold and Alicia Donaldson, both deceased; sister of Susannah Donaldson (sometime Parry), half brother of Carl Witherby, uncle of Josie, Jack, Al and Bill Parry.”
“It’s odd Susannah had all those children before she was the age I am now.”
“She had too many too quickly, it did her so much harm but they’re super kids. You will meet them one day.”
“Can I come with you? When you next go to visit?”
“I don’t know.” I was doubtful. I had been prepared for Holly to tire of me quickly and end this relationship that was in its infancy. I had half expected her to be horrified that she had slept with me after Susannah’s lunch and never want to see me again. I was so surprised that we were here, four days later, getting to know each other better. Although she still seemed to like me I couldn’t introduce her to the children. They would become fond of her and then, when we broke up, they would lose her. I couldn’t risk that. They had had so much to put up with in their short lives.
“Perhaps in a few weeks.”
“You’re not sure of me are you? You’re not sure we’re doing the right thing?”
“Of course I am! It’s you I’m worried about.”
“You think I’m going to get this far and just dump you?”
“Probably.”
She made a small fist and gently hit my arm. “You are sometimes very stupid you know. I’m not going anywhere.”
We lay back down in the sand, our arms wrapped around each other, just happy to be together in the sunshine, with at least three hours before we had to walk back to the real world.
Holly couldn’t settle.
“I need to tell you something.”
“Anything I need to sit up to hear?”
“Probably”
So we untangled our arms and legs and sat up.
As she sat there Holly seemed to be turning something over and over in her mind. I realised she didn’t know how to start.
“What is it Holly? It can’t be that bad.”
“All your family relationships, all mine as well, they’ve all been wrapped up in lies haven’t they?” She didn’t expect an answer but I nodded anyway.
“We don’t want to get into a relationship that’s going to last and then find it’s all based on another lie do we?” I couldn’t imagine what it was she felt she had to tell me.
“I mean are we going to be together for a long time? Are you serious? I’m not sure I should be asking this or even whether I want to or could commit to anything. Oh I’m making such a mess of this!”
I wondered if I could make it easier for her.
“Look Holly, I don’t mind waiting. It’s all happened so quickly. You need time. I won’t ask you to marry me for, oh, at least a month.” I hoped she’d laugh but she didn’t.
“You may not want to when you know what I’ve got to tell you.”
“Well I can’t know that until you tell me what it is can I? It can’t be that bad surely.”
“Not bad. Dumb.”
“Well it can’t be that dumb then.”
“The longer I leave it the worse it’ll be. At least if I tell you now we’ve only wasted a few days.”
I was beginning to worry. At first I had thought she was going to tell me something silly or embarrassing now I realised it could be serious though I couldn’t imagine what could be so bad. “You OK?”
“Fine.”
“Not an easy thing to tell me then?”
“No.”
“Are you sure you want to?”
“Absolutely.”
“OK I’ll hear what you have to say but only if you listen to something that is difficult for me to tell you. Deal?”
“Deal.”
“Right. I’ll go first.” I had to keep her here with me. I couldn’t lose her. Not now. I knew I had to tell her something so personal that she would know that what she had to say couldn’t be as bad.
“I ran away from school once. I hated it. I was bullied. Everyone hated me because I wet the bed.” It was the only thing I could think to tell her. “I started when I was 6 years old, just after my Mother had left us and we’d all been ill. I didn’t stop wetting the bed until I was 21. It stopped me from going to university, it stopped me from leaving home. It stopped me from having girlfriends and sleeping with them. Everyone thought that was because I was gay but instead it was because I wet the bed and didn’t know how to cope on my own.”
Holly looked at me hard. She must have realised I was trying to make light of something that had hurt me deeply for much of my life but she could have no idea what it cost for me to tell her.
“That must have been tough.”
“I couldn’t have got through it all if Monika hadn’t helped and understood. She was good to me, you know, and when I was young I really did think I loved her and would always love her. Which I will. But it’s not the right sort of love to want to be with someone all your life. I only found that out recently. For years
I thought she was the love of my life. I was wrong. I was so wrong about that and other things too. For years I always thought sex hurt people, I always thought it was something that people did to not with another. I know I was wrong there too.”
I kept talking, trying to put her at her ease. I was probably just making it more difficult.
“I was a virgin, you know. Last week, with you, that was my first time. I slept in the same bed as Linda for a month but we never did do anything. It wouldn’t have been right.” At last I got a response from her.
“You almost told me that before, but hasn’t there been anyone else?”
“No. I never found the right person. I knew you were that person but I had to wait until it was right. Until…”
This was getting more and more difficult, the more I said the worse it got. I told her how I had realised I had spent most of my life being wrong. I had been wrong about my mother, my step-mother and my father, even Max and Carl. In the end I ran out of words.
“I slept with him.” She probably hadn’t been listening to what I had said at all as she had made herself say the words.
I looked at her, knowing exactly what she meant but mouthing the question anyway. “Who?”
“Carl.”
“I thought you must have.” That was clearly not the response she had expected. “Thanks for telling me though. It shows that you and I won’t have any secrets at all. Will we?”
She shook her head. “How did you know?”
“Well. It was Oliver really. He rang Linda at the office to say you were coming back home. Linda was out and so he got me. I asked why you were coming home. He told me that you and Carl had spent the afternoon walking by the river the day you’d decided. He said you were different when you got back. He said it was like an enormous weight had been lifted from your shoulders. He was quite lyrical. He said you ‘shone’. Those were his words ‘you shone’. He said that he’d seen Carl have that effect on other women he’d slept with.”
“Oh.”
I’m not sure whether it was a sign of deflation caused by my calmness at her revelation or disappointment that Carl seemed to sleep with a lot of people.
Walking Alone Page 30
