Breathe

by Hazel Robinson

  Jensen grabs my hand, pulling me closer to him. “Gotta say Evvie, I bloody wish he was gay.” He laughs and walks away.

  Marcus steps forward, taking the seat Jensen had just been occupying and pulls up a bar stool, tapping his hands on the bar to the rhythm of the music fading in the background.

  I’m lost for words.

  Literally can’t think of anything to say.

  “Evvie? You ok?” He clicks his fingers to me, dragging me out of my daze.

  I shake my head. “Yeah sorry, I was…. In my own little word for a moment there.”

  He signals me to lean forward with his finger. “You look fucking good tonight.” He holds my chin, pulling me closer over the bar, his lips softly touching mine.

  Pulling back, I give him a cheeky smile. “Yeah? You don’t look too bad yourself, actually…. not that I noticed.” I play along with him.

  Across the dancefloor, I see Justin emerge from his office, walking over to us. My moment of fun dampened by the ‘word’ my brother wants with Marcus, and the worry sets in again.

  “Hey Marcus, nice to see you again.” Justin places his hand on Marcus’ shoulder. “Can I grab you for a minute? I just need a quick word.”

  Marcus looks to me and then back to Justin curiously. “Yeah sure.”

  The two walk off out of my earshot, but I observe their movements. Justin is doing all the talking and Marcus crosses his arms over his chest, listening to whatever it is my brother is telling him, nodding occasionally. I can read the concerned look on Justin’s face.

  They finish with Marcus shaking Justin’s hand. It’s a lingering moment and before walking away Justin places his hand on Marcus’ shoulder and whispers something in his ear.

  I look away when Marcus walks back over to the bar. His expression changed a little. I watch as Justin walks behind the bar, looking down at the floor before approaching us.

  “You can clock off if you want sis, it’s not busy tonight, anyway.” He gives me a smile.

  I look between him and Marcus, who is now leaning on the bar by his elbow, while his other hand brushes the hair from his eyes.

  “Everything ok?” I ask them both.

  “Yeah everything’s cool, just the big brother chat, you know ‘look after my sister, hurt her and I’ll hurt you’ type of convo.” Justin brushes it off coyly.

  Marcus laughs. “Yeah that kind of talk.”

  I’m not sold…. There is more to it than that.

  Something neither is saying, and it makes me worry even more.

  “Shall we get out of here?” Marcus leans up from the bar asking me.

  Justin grabs my bag from under the counter, passing it over to me. “Go on, you get going. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He smiles at me.

  I grab the bag, passing it to Marcus, and start walking. I stop for a moment, turning to Justin. “Justin, are you sure everything is ok?”

  “Yes, Evvie, everything is fine.” He places his hand on my arm. “Text me tomorrow, ok?”

  Marcus waits at the end of the bar for me, watching the two of us carefully.

  “Yeah, I will do.” I throw my arms around his neck; something gave me the urge to hug my brother tight.

  “Be safe ok?” He hugs me back.

  “I will.” I kiss him on the forehead and rush to Marcus, taking his hand in mine. As we reach the front door, I hear a raised voice outside, someone shouting. Then suddenly Dec bursts through the door, his cheeks a little red. “Oh, sorry, Evvie.” He holds the door open for us. “You leaving early?” he questions me.

  “Yeah, Justin, let me finish early cause it’s not busy tonight. Mary and Rose are on till closing tonight, anyway.” I study his movements as he pushes his phone back in his pocket.

  “Come on Evvie, we better get going.” Marcus stands, holding the door open with his back.

  “Everything ok Dec?” I note the strange look on his face and his hands clasp together.

  He pauses a moment, looks almost like he is thinking of what to say. “Yeah everything’s fine. Jensen still at the bar?”

  “Yeah, I think he was chatting to Mary a couple seconds ago.” I look to Marcus who is waiting patiently. “Anyway, I better get going. I’ll see you later.”

  Marcus holds his hand out for mine and I take it while watching Dec walk away; instantly pulling his phone out of his pocket and furiously typing a message out, then rubbing his hands along his face. Strange.

  I push the odd behaviour to one side, it’s probably nothing.

  “Ready?” Marcus smiles at me.

  Looking up to him, I smile.

  Our car journey was quiet, one-line conversations. I stare out the window of the jet-black Range Rover. The familiar tall building catches my attention as we drive around the back of it, into a dark carpark. Marcus looks over at me, placing his hand on my knee, his thumb grazing over my skin. The feeling is so gentle it knots my stomach.

  “You ok?” he parks the car into the space with one hand on the wheel.

  I pull my seatbelt giving myself a bit of room to turn to him. “What did you and my brother really talk about?”

  He cuts the engine on the car, his hand back on the steering wheel, tapping his fingers. “Can we talk about it inside?”

  I rub my forehead. “Fine.” I yank my seatbelt off, pushing the door open and exit the car. Standing at the boot with my arms folded across my chest, I can feel my foot tapping on the floor impatiently.

  Cold shivers run up my arms as he gets my bag from the boot and throws it over his shoulder. He pulls me close into his other arm and guides me to the elevator in the dark corner.

  I pull away from his hold once we get inside, looking in every direction but his. I’m trying not to get myself angry at him but I can’t help it, my brother has been acting strange since I got back from shopping and now Marcus is being coy with me.

  If something is going on, I have a right to know.

  They are both hiding something from me, and I know it involves Drake!

  We enter the apartment in silence and my heart beats as the frustration builds. This isn’t how tonight was meant to be.

  “Do you want anything to drink?” He drops my bag in the hall, walking off to the kitchen where he stands waiting for my answer.

  “I want to know what’s going on.” I follow him, tapping my bright red nails on the countertop.

  “Look, it’s nothing, why are you getting worked up about this?” He pulls a bottle of beer out of the fridge, twisting the cap off, and takes a gulp of it before placing it on the side.

  I watch as he leans back against the side, his hand digs in his pockets.

  “What did Justin want to talk to you about Marcus?” I take a step closer to him, my blood pumping hard through my veins.

  “He was just worried about you that’s all.” He shrugs his shoulders at me.

  I take another step, inches away from him. I want to clear my head of all the worry and kiss him, but I’m angry. Furious at him for hiding something from me, bitter at Drake for causing this fear inside me, and angry at my brother for going behind my back. “Why do you all think you can keep me in the dark? This is my fucking life!”

  Marcus grabs my shaky hand, holding it in his. “I’m not hiding anything from you, Evvie. I’ve been completely honest with you from the moment we met.”

  “No! No you haven’t, and neither have I…. but then who are we to each other, anyway? Why does it matter how honest we are to each other? It does matter that my brother is keeping things from me and telling a total stranger!” I’m raging with anger.

  “Is that all I am to you…? A stranger?” Marcus releases my hand. Letting it drop back to my side.

  “How well do you know me, Marcus? How much do I really know about you?” I stand back, looking down at the floor. “There is so much about my life you don’t know …. the danger I have put you and myself in. I know Justin has told you…. He’s told you what he knows, anyway.”

  I fight back the tears for a m
oment, looking up to the ceiling.

  “And what don’t I know Evvie?” He closes the gap between us, his hand cupping my cheek. I close my eyes for a moment and embrace the touch. “You care about others. You’ve been hurt in the past, but that’s only made you stronger. I know you mask your pain with this fire red hair and attitude to match.” He pushes my hair behind my ear, and I don’t think I can fight back the tears any longer. “I know you tie your hair up in a high bun when you’re anxious or hurting.”

  It’s true, I never really noticed myself until now. I always have a scrunchie on my wrist, just in case. In such a short period he knows all those little things about me, the tiny insignificant things that no one ever pays attention to. No one but him.

  “You want me to be honest with you?” He pulls back, holding out his hand for mine. I pause a moment before following his lead. We walk to the sofa and I take a seat, watching him walk off down the hall disappearing for a moment then returning holding something. I hold my breath as he sits next to me and holds out the picture frame.

  A beautiful young woman must be about 19… maybe 20, sitting on a bench, the open sea behind her as she looks at the camera. Her eyes brighter green than his, hair a dark brown; almost black blowing in the wind. I stare at the image curiously, waiting.

  “Who is this? She is beautiful.” I look up to him and can see the pain in his eyes, his fist clench together.

  “I told you I had to come back home and give up diving abroad; she is the reason why.”

  He takes the photo from me, holding it for a moment, his finger tracing the outline of her face. “That’s Katie, my sister.”

  “She really is beautiful Marcus.”

  “Was.” He places the photo on the table and takes a deep breath. “She was beautiful. Until she met someone that turned her world upside down. Someone that darkened her light.” He looks away from me, rubbing his jawline. Her story sounds so familiar to my own. “He got her addicted to drugs and left her in the gutter…. I didn’t find any of this out until I came back. I hate myself every day for not having been here to save her…”

  “It wasn’t your fault Marcus.” I place my hand on his shoulder trying to get him to look at me, but he just brushes my hand off and stands up, pacing the floor.

  “It was my fault. I should have been here to stop her from making that mistake. One fucking mistake and it cost her, her life! One bad hit and she was gone!” He turns away from me, his arms firm across his chest as he looks out the windows to the dark night sky.

  I walk up behind him, wrapping my arms around his middle, and hold him tight. “That wasn’t your fault Marcus, trust me…. There isn’t anything you could have done or said to her…. I know that most.”

  I feel my own memories flooding in but right now isn’t about my past, it’s about his pain…. His wounds, not mine.

  I feel him let out a heavy breath. “Why does it feel like my fault? Why does it feel like I’m the one that let her down?”

  I let go and walk in front of him, taking his face in my hands as I force him to look at me. “Did she come to you for help? Or did she shut you and all her family off…. Erasing you from her mind because she was blinded by love?” My thumb softly grazes along his cheek. “There is nothing you could have done to help her if she didn’t want you to…. I’ve been blinded like that….”

  “But you walked away….” His hand curls around my waist, pulling me closer, and leans his forehead against mine.

  “And you have no idea what it cost me to walk away. I turned up on my brother’s doorstep. Black and blue…. Empty inside… He listened as I cried myself to sleep for weeks, ran in the room every time my nightmares felt too real…. It took every bit of strength I had just to get out of bed in the morning, both physically and mentally.”

  He kisses me, soft at first but then pain and need take over us both and before either of us has time to think I’m hoisted up into his arms and am being carried to his bedroom, our lips not parting for a moment.

  We each carry hidden pain, his for his sister and mine for me.

  But right now, we both need to help each other forget about it.

  Just for tonight we need to wash each other’s pain away.

  Set our past on fire and let it burn to ashes.

  The night sky glistens through the bedroom window as I lay wrapped in Marcus’ arms. His fingers trail up and down my spine, soothing the blazen fire that burns through me, my body taken to heights I never thought possible.

  I look around the room, the first time I spent the night here it was down the hall in the spare room, I haven’t been in that room since. Much of his apartment has little of his personality or his past, but in here…. it’s different. Pictures of his family scatter around the deep grey wooden furniture, the view from the wall of glass breath-taking and a little un-nerving if you forget to close the blinds but then we are that high up I doubt even the planes could peer through.

  I rest my head on his chest, tracing the tattoo, the wolfs bright green staring back at me and almost coming to life. He takes hold of my hand, slowly pressing it against his lips.

  “What are you thinking?” He looks down at me, a smile on his face that could break a thousand hearts. I never understood that smile before, but now that I know his story I understand why it carries so much pain.

  I lean up resting my chin on my other hand and my hair drapes over my shoulders, knotted and wild. My head tilts to the side as I take in his expression. “I’m just thinking how I’m starting to really enjoy your company.” I bite my lip.

  “Well, I’m really starting to enjoy yours too.” The back of his hand strokes my cheek.

  There is a moment of silence between us. It seems to be a pattern with us – it's either all or nothing. We say everything that needs to be said, or we say nothing at all, never the in between. I guess that’s what happens when two broken souls collide, both drowning in the invisible black sea.

  I replay his painful confession from earlier in my mind over and over again, beaten with worry that I could have put Justin through the same thing had I not found the straight when I did…. he could be walking around carrying the same guilt Marcus now carries. I asked myself if it was fate that brought us together that night, if Marcus was meant to be the one that dragged me out of the darkness. Hearing his story, the answer is now loud and clear. Yes.

  Fate brought us together for a reason…for him to find redemption for his guilt and me…to find the saviour I deserved. I breathe out a heavy breath and I can feel the tears welling up behind my eyes already. I know I must tell him…. Justin’s advice rings through me like a dinner bell to the lions, ‘If you find someone to open up to, then don’t hold back.’

  I lay on my back, wrapping the black silk sheets around me. Holding his hand, I entwine our fingers together and a small sigh escapes my lungs, almost sounding like a whimper. I know he can sense my hesitation…. How do you tell someone the things I have been thought?

  Where do you start?

  Marcus lays his head next to mine; he doesn’t speak… just holds my hand tight, his thumb grazing the skin tenderly…. reassuring me.

  I take a deep breath; the memories resurface, flashing before my eyes like lightning in a thunderstorm. “I was forced to work for Drake in his club…. his gentleman’s club he called it. He told me I would be his star on the stage, stupid thing is…. I was, just not in the way I imagined.” I close my eyes; the smell of cigars and whiskey still burn my nostril.

  Red leather cushioned walls along the back walls of every ‘private’ booth. Up on the platform in front, a gold pole stood…. A backdrop of black velvet curtains, keeping us separate from the drunk, sex driven men sitting on their little chairs waiting for the next show. It turned my stomach standing behind that curtain night after night…. but standing at the front door to ‘home’ was even worse.

  A single tear cascades down my cheek. “I could handle what happened behind the club doors…. I was tough enough to fight of
f the hands that tried to touch me.” I let out a single laugh. “Not that anyone dare try to touch me…. I was the only property off limits. That was the problem, I was his first…. the first girl he successfully leads to the darkness….”

  I can feel Marcus’ hold tighten around my hand, like he is holding on for dear life. Even angry, his touch is still so gentle and caring.

  With his other hand on my stomach, his finger trails the scar on my hip. I flinch at first, but the warmth of his touch washes all the horror away.

  I cower in the corner of our dark bedroom…shaking…. I can’t control the fear that ripples through my body. I tuck my legs in tight to my chest, my cheeks black from the mascara that has run.

  “Come here you little bitch!” Drake spits at me while dragging me across the room by my hair, the skin of my legs burning from the sensation of the rough carpet.

  I hold on to his hands trying to relieve the pressure from my hair…my legs kick out as hard as I can but it’s no use; he is too strong. “Please, Drake…you’re hurting me…. I’m sorry.”

  No matter what I do, I am always wrong…. always to blame for his own failures. I’m a horrible person… I need to be punished so I will learn from my mistakes….

  Tonight, he was too drunk to force himself on me…. too limp to ‘show me what a dirty girl I am’. I can feel the bile rising back up my throat at the thought of his body anywhere near mine.

  He grabs my arms hard, the skin burning with pain as he throws me on the bed, my body too weak to fight back anymore. It’s tired and withering to nothing. I’m drifting closer to the edge of the cliff every day I spend with this monster. He snatches my hands holding them above my head, climbing on top of me he straddles me, pinning me down under his stinking drunk body.

  “Drake you’re hurting me…please.” I try to wriggle from under him but it’s no use, he is bigger and stronger than me.

  He swings his arm back and strikes my cheek with the back of his hand…the stinging instantly coursing through my skin. “Shut up, you little slut!”