Breaking All the Rules

by Kristen Flowers

  “What about the repercussions of your actions, Johnny? Do you consider those?”

  He inhaled and clicked his tongue. He leaned back in his chair and opened his legs wider as he slouched down a bit. He placed his thumb on the waistband of his jeans and the rest of his hands casually rested atop his crotch. It was simple, and it could have just been coincidence, but I knew he was trying to get my attention.

  The problem was—it was working.

  I couldn’t stop glancing down at the position of his hand from time to time. I gulped and felt warmth in the pit of my stomach. He smirked.

  “Consequences, eh? Nah. I don’t bother.”

  I breathed short and quick. “And why-why not, Johnny?”

  He ruffled the back of his hair with his other hand and looked at me meaningfully, “Because what I’m doing feels too damn fucking good to care about what might come after.”

  “It is important-”

  “Doc, you know, I enjoy feeling good. Who doesn’t? You probably think of what comes after too much,” he said as his fingers lightly grazed over his jeans, “But when was the last time you were able to experience pleasure?”

  I muffled a gasp and quickly shuffled some papers as a distraction. I felt my pulse inside my ears and the heat pumping through my veins. He was getting to me too much and I didn’t have a doubt in my mind that he sensed it. When the beep of my alarm clock announced the end of our session, I couldn’t have been more relieved.

  “Same time tomorrow, Doc. I’m looking forward to it,” Johnny said with a grin before he walked out of my office, but not before giving me the once over with his piercing eyes.

  I watched him walk away. My heart was still pounding in my chest. I felt my face burn, but it wasn’t from the heat he had caused. I felt ashamed that I reacted to a patient, especially in such a physical way. I had never thought of my clients as anything more than that. I was strictly professional, but Johnny came in and took that all away, all too easily.

  “No,” I muttered, disgusted at myself, “I have to overcome this. I will be professional. He needs help.”

  And as I started to write notes on the session in his chart, I truly had the resolve to keep any feelings for him at bay.

  Chapter Seven

  Jenny

  My resolve didn’t last very long. As I thought about details of my session with Johnny, I couldn’t stop picturing his face. I couldn’t get the image of his hand grazing the crotch of his jeans out of my mind. I gulped and shook my head as if I could throw the images from my brain. I stood up and took a few deep breaths. Maybe I just needed to step out for a moment. Some fresh air couldn’t hurt. But as I crossed my office with the intention to head outside and take a short walk, I found myself closing and locking the office door instead. I turned around and leaned against the wooden door and stared at the back of the chair that Johnny had been sitting in.

  The small, ticking clock on one side of my office let me know that another client wouldn’t be due for a couple of hours. I felt my cheeks flush as I thought about the way he stood at the door of my office. He came in rude and unannounced, but looking hot as ever.

  I quickly tried to shake the image from my mind. I was acting completely unprofessional. I tugged my shirt down to adjust it and then walked back to my desk, making it a point not to look at the chair where he was earlier. Every time I looked at it, I pictured him in it.

  I took a seat and placed my hands flat on the desk on either side of Johnny’s open file. I had to finish writing my notes before something else came up. I didn’t want to forget anything important. I scoffed in to the silence of the office– as if I could forget anything about that first session with him. He did everything in his power to make it unforgettable, but what really killed me was that he succeeded at it.

  I took a sip of water and set my glass down. After staring at the glass for a couple minutes, I took another sip and then a heaping gulp until I ended up drinking all of it. I stood up and walked over to pour myself some more. I drank it almost immediately. After filling my glass again and sitting back down at the desk, I wondered why I felt so thirsty. I picked up my pen and started to write the notes on our session. But the more I thought about him, the more I felt parched. Heat flushed through me and I squeezed my pen until my entire hand shook. The tip of the pen left a little black mark on his chart as I dropped it with a sigh. I leaned my head back, shutting my eyes.

  I thought of his eyes and the way he stared into me. I thought of the bulging muscles of his arms. I thought of the look he gave me and how unabashedly he glanced at my chest. I unbuttoned my shirt from the top. It felt way too hot in my office and the collar was beginning to choke me. I felt suffocated. I was burning up. I started fanning myself thinking about the way he so crassly rubbed at his crotch. That shouldn’t have been something that was provocative to me and yet…

  My stomach lurched.

  This wasn’t right, but I couldn’t get rid of the image of him leaning toward me with that look in his eye. I unbuttoned some more of my shirt and lightly grazed my fingertips over the top of my breasts as I remembered how much he glanced down at my covered chest. The second my body shivered, I was pulled back in to the moment.

  This was all sorts of wrong for so many reasons, I couldn’t even begin to list them. But I had to start somewhere. I straightened up and forced myself to scrawl notes into his file. I noted down how he used every opportunity to elicit some sort of reaction from me, how he touched himself, how he looked at me without a single ounce of shame. I wrote down the things he said and how he said them. Then I pulled out an orange highlighter and furiously highlighted every single reason not to get involved with him. Putting aside that he was a client, I knew he wasn’t the type of man for me to get mixed up with. It was too dangerous.

  We weren’t a match in any sense of the word. The biggest factor, though, was that I needed to stop finding reasons to not get involved with him. Those were thoughts I shouldn’t have had to begin with. It didn’t matter how handsome he was or ruggedly attractive. It didn’t matter how vulgar and provocative, yet charming he was. His confidence had no bearing on anything. He was my client, plain and simple, and I needed to keep my distance from him like I did with any other patient.

  The memories I had of Johnny were just that—memories. They were things I needed to keep stored and locked away. I couldn’t fantasize about him and how his muscles would feel underneath my hands. None of those were things that should ever cross my mind again. I stared down at the page in his chart.

  Almost everything was highlighted in bright orange.

  I let out a loud breath and looked up. This wasn’t something I knew how to handle. I felt guilt and shame welling up inside of me. This wasn’t a problem I should have had in the first place. It was a disgrace. As I felt hot tears start to form, I decided I really needed to get out of the office before meeting with the next client. I placed my hand on my stomach. It was empty, and I was already starting to hear it grumble with hunger. It was the perfect time for lunch.

  I picked up my phone and sent my friend, Mariah, a quick text message.

  -Hey, want to grab lunch together? Golden Grill in twenty minutes?-

  As I sat there waiting for her reply, I looked over my notes on Johnny. There was so much wrong with him…

  So much highlighted in orange.

  “What the hell am I doing,” I muttered under my breath as I messaged my eyebrows with my fingers.

  My phone chimed with a response a couple minutes later.

  -Sure thing girl! See you there.-

  I put away Johnny’s case file, deciding there was absolutely no reason for me to look at it again until I had to see him for our next session. I pulled open the small coat closet in my office to check my reflection in the full-length mirror before grabbing my purse and heading out the door. I stepped out onto the street and immediately took in a deep breath. It was crisp and refreshing. I walked the couple blocks down to the grill. Sure, I was wearing hee
ls, but it was only a ten-minute walk and I really needed it.

  “Nice outfit, Jenny Lin,” Mariah beamed the moment she saw me.

  Mariah had just stepped out of a cab and onto the sidewalk as I was walking up to the front of the restaurant.

  “You always look great, so I won’t even bother,” I laughed back with a smile.

  “Oh, please, as if you don’t look amazing every time I see you.”

  We requested a table on the patio because it was such a nice day. Luckily, we had just missed the lunch rush, so we were seated quickly.

  “So, tell me, Jenny Lin, how is everything in the world of psychology?”

  “I don’t know about the world of psychology, but things at my practice are definitely… interesting,” I muttered before taking a sip of my ice-cold water.

  I ignored her curious look by staring out at the people walking by on the sidewalk. I pondered whether to indulge in a lunchtime cocktail. A little alcohol was something I could have used right then, but the last thing I wanted was to add to my feeling of inadequacy. Staying professional was, apparently, becoming an increasing challenge for me. I knew I shouldn’t indulge. I hadn’t been firm enough when Johnny was in my office and I certainly hadn’t been any stronger after he left. It was horrendous, really, that I even let my mind get carried away so much. I finally turned back to Mariah and decided it would be easier, even better, if I got her to just talk about herself instead.

  “How’s work today?”

  “Slow,” she responded, “Which is weird. It shouldn’t be slow but, of course, everyone waits until the last minute to schedule appointments. Then they start freaking out because there’s no availability and they don’t know what to do. Anyway. That’s how it always is, but around this time there are at least a few people who creep in.”

  “I don’t understand how they all wait until the last minute to see a college counselor,” I said, shaking my head.

  “Well, of course, you wouldn’t understand, Jenny. I’m sure you practically lived at the college counselor’s office.”

  I gave her a look before asking, “How are… other things? At work?”

  “Why are you being weird? You’re being weird,” Mariah shot back immediately.

  “What? I’m,” I forced a small, awkward laugh, “I’m not acting… I’m just asking about your day. What is so strange about that?”

  “Now you’re acting weird in a different way,” she laughed, “But, okay, I’ll bite.”

  I cleared my throat and took a long sip of water. I looked at her expectantly and waited. She always had so much to talk about and, usually, I listened. But when she started up on her workplace drama, my mind always started to wander. It wasn’t that I didn’t care to hear what Mariah wanted to share. I just didn’t understand why people found work-drama to be so interesting. It was all so personal. Everything veered so far away from the professional and, until Johnny walked into my office, I simply couldn’t understand the appeal.

  “Well,” Mariah said a bit more quietly, “Carol and Walker are on the rocks. So, Carol decides to go on a date with this hunk of a professor. Walker lost it. He just lost it! Now there is this quiet, bubbling tension between the two of them and, I swear, it’s just making everyone feel uncomfortable.”

  “Why don’t you say anything?”

  “Oh, yeah, what am I supposed to say? I warned them it wasn’t going to, well, not that it wouldn’t work out, but I did say it would get messy. I even reminded Walker about the time Shelley, our former co-worker, got involved with Michael. Ugh, Michael… I wish he’d been the one to leave. None of us can really stand him, but that’s beside the point. I think Michael is just bitter that Shelley left for bigger and better things after dumping his sorry ass.”

  “Mariah,” I said quietly.

  “Yeah?”

  “You were talking about, what’s his name? Walker? And-”

  “Oh! Right! Walker and Carol. I don’t know. A lot of people thought they’d make the cutest couple or whatever, but I always thought there would be trouble. And sure-”

  “Do you,” I cleared my throat and averted my gaze, “Do you think there will always be trouble if, you know…”

  “Jenny, I’m going to need you to finish your sentences. What’s up with you today?”

  “Nothing. It’s just, well, I’m curious.”

  “You’re curious about relationships at work? You?”

  I felt myself getting flustered as I quickly sputtered out, “No. I mean, kind of. But it’s not what you’re thinking. I mean, I don’t presume to know what you’re thinking, but I can only imagine. It’s nothing serious. It’s nothing. Nothing.”

  “Jenny, you’re asking questions you never ask. You’re being acting weird and can’t even speak normally. What’s going on?”

  “Nothing is-”

  “Stop telling me it’s nothing. Just be a little clearer?”

  “No, I really do not need to be clear. What I mean by that is that there is no reason, no need for me to clarify anything.”

  Mariah sat back and looked at me, unconvinced, as she muttered, “Right.”

  “I have a new client,” I started.

  “Oh,” Mariah eagerly sat up like she was about to hear some juicy gossip.

  “I have a new client and this new client just… Well, they told me something during a session and you know I can’t actually tell you-”

  “Yes, Jenny Lin, Yes, I understand how doctor-patient confidentiality works.”

  I cleared my throat and took a sip of water before trying to act casual, “The point is my client is struggling. I wanted a new perspective, that’s all. This isn’t stuff I know much about and I just thought a different point of view could be helpful.”

  Casual had never looked good on me. Mainly because I wasn’t a casual person. I wasn’t breezy in the way I spoke, my attitude, or even my wardrobe. Still, as I looked at Mariah, I felt that maybe I had actually managed to convince her. After a few seconds, she nodded knowingly and looked away for a moment, lost in thought. I instantly felt relief sweep over me. Now I wouldn’t have to think of some explanation for her skepticism towards the way I was acting.

  “I think you might want to remind your client that there is a reason that work, and pleasure aren’t meant to be mixed,” she finally said.

  “You really believe that?”

  “For the most part, yes, I do. Maybe I’ve crossed a line here and there, but that doesn’t mean I’m not aware of the potential consequences. Just look at Walker and Carol. I warned them, did I not? So, yes, I do believe there’s a reason to stray away from mixing work and pleasure. Things can get difficult and messy very quickly.”

  I nodded quietly and turned to look at the bustling sidewalk. All the people that walked past us had lives of their own. Their own accomplishments. Their own failures. Their own loved ones and stories of losing loved ones. And there I was, trying to make sense of my own life. It felt like the universe was giving me some strange, twisted, second chance at something. Or maybe it was playing a cruel joke on me. That’s what it felt like.

  I knew the answer. I had known all along that pleasure and work should never be mixed. And no matter which way you cut it, having feelings for a client was completely out of the question.

  I finished up my water and turned back to Mariah, trying to think of a way to change the topic. I wanted to finish my lunch without thinking about my situation anymore.

  Chapter Eight

  Jenny

  I felt my stomach twist and turn. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt so nervous when it wasn’t over an important test in school. The only times I experienced that twisting feeling was when I had to face my family.

  “My family,” I whispered in to the empty office.

  Before I could launch in to a stream of thoughts about how much they would disapprove of me, I heard the door leading into my small waiting area close. I quickly sat back down in my chair. I was sure Johnny would burst in any second. My
heart was pounding in my chest and I was finding it difficult to keep my breathing normal.

  “Forbidden,” I whispered behind the palm of my hand.

  I had to remind myself this whole situation was absolutely forbidden. Johnny was forbidden. The law prohibited any attraction toward him. But I couldn’t stop the thoughts that ran through my mind. It wasn’t just the law that reminded me to put a stop to all this, but my professional ethics and the disapproving glare I would get if my parents found out.

  I gripped the edge of my desk and stared at the door, waiting for him to come in. But the clock in my office continued to tick by with the door not opening. I stood up and walked to the door on wobbly legs. I was all too aware of my racing heart, uneven breath, and weak knees. I wrapped my hand around the doorknob and slowly turned it. Every tick of the clock sounded incredibly loud. My pulse quickened.