Our Darkest Scar

by Sarah Bailey

  What parent would ever feel that way about their child being harassed and tormented?

  “Didn’t you say your mum is super protective?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Then I’m pretty sure the last thing she would be is disappointed. More like appalled you’re going through this.”

  Raphael met my eyes again.

  “Can I be brutally honest?”

  “You weren’t doing so before?”

  He smiled in a hollow sort of way.

  “Well, yeah I was, but this is…” He adjusted his glasses. “Jonah, I’m scared of what my parents would do if they found out. Not to me… but to the bullies.”

  What on earth would make him scared? Why would they do anything other than report it to the school and get them to deal with it?

  “Why?”

  “I can’t tell you.”

  He kept bringing this stuff up about his parents and then skirting around the truth.

  “Is this to do with them telling you something which changed your view of them?”

  I wondered what he’d meant by that. Raphael didn’t need me pushing him though. If he wanted to say it, he would.

  “Yes. They… they did stuff in their past and it’s… god, I can’t say anything else. They wouldn’t be happy if I did.”

  I wanted to reach out to him again.

  “You can trust me. I won’t breathe a word of what you tell me to anyone. Meredith doesn’t know we’ve been talking and I tell her everything.”

  Almost everything. She was still only fifteen. There were things I held back to keep her safe. Like how our mother no longer cared about us and I’d picked up all her slack. I did it for my sister. To protect her from the reality of what our father’s death had caused within our family dynamic.

  “I just can’t. If you knew, you’d understand. It isn’t stuff you tell people about. It’s a secret for a reason. I’d be putting my parents and you at risk. Like at huge risk. Even me, Aurora and Duke knowing is dangerous, but they know we’d never get them in trouble.”

  The seriousness of his tone made it very clear it wasn’t some small thing Raphael was keeping quiet about. It had huge ramifications.

  “Did they do something illegal?”

  “Jonah…”

  “Did they?”

  He gave me a nod.

  “Please don’t make me talk about it. I can’t do that to them. I can’t betray their trust. I love them. They aren’t bad people. They had terrible childhoods in different ways. My dads grew up together, their entire lives were marred by poverty, drugs and violence. All you need to know is, they did what they did to survive.”

  I wasn’t sure how to feel about what he was saying to me. It’s not like I’d ever met his parents. I certainly didn’t want to judge them when I didn’t know them nor what they’d actually done. Whatever it was, it clearly had a negative effect on Raphael’s state of mind.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push you.”

  His eyes turned sad behind his glasses.

  “No, it’s okay. You’re just trying to help me and I’m—”

  “You’re loyal to your family.”

  He closed his mouth, his hand curling into a fist on the table.

  “Raphael, I’m not trying to make things harder for you. I just… care.”

  Admitting it was probably stupid. Everything about this was. Being around him when I felt these things. This attraction to the boy next to me. The sweet, funny, beautiful boy who I couldn’t stop staring at. Even when Raphael went on radio silence, it didn’t stop me seeking him out with my eyes at break time when we were in school. The moment I admitted to myself I liked him, I couldn’t help but want to be closer to him.

  “I still wonder why you care so much.”

  His hair had fallen in his eyes. Without thinking, I reached up and pushed it off his forehead.

  “I understand what it’s like to go through shit with your family that hurts beyond belief but you have to bottle it up. You have to hide it because your sister needs you and your mum doesn’t care about anything any longer since the only person she gave a shit about died.”

  I heard him suck in air.

  What are you doing?

  I snatched my hand back, feeling stupider than ever. Especially since I hadn’t meant to tell him that about my mum.

  “Your mum doesn’t care about you and Mer?”

  “She… she only had us because our dad wanted kids.”

  “Why do you think that?”

  I looked away, feeling the pain of it tear into my soul.

  “She told me.”

  “Seriously?”

  I raised my shoulders and dropped them again before reaching over and dragging my coffee towards me. I took a sip, needing a moment.

  “When Dad had his heart attack, all of us waited in the hospital for news. It was… difficult. The doctors told us he didn’t make it and Mum just sat there staring into space like she’d just checked out. It went on like that for months.”

  I swallowed, staring down at the table.

  “Grandma took care of Mum whilst I looked after Meredith. One night, I had to check on Mum as Grandma was at her boyfriend’s. For the first time in fuck knows how long, she was lucid. She started talking to me and the first thing she said was, ‘Jonah, I never wanted kids. I never wanted you and your sister. That was Phil’s thing. Your father wanted you. I had you for him, not me. Never me,’ and I stood there wondering why the hell she was saying these things. What mother tells her child she never wanted them?”

  I felt his hand close over my shoulder. My heart tightened at the contact.

  “I couldn’t move as she kept talking, telling me all this shit I didn’t want to know about how she felt. It’s like somehow she was trying to absolve herself of her guilt but instead, she just made me feel…”

  “Feel what?”

  “Like I wasn’t wanted.”

  For a moment, he didn’t say anything. It’s not like I thought he would judge me. I had a feeling he understood.

  “Jonah?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Would it be okay if I hugged you?”

  I exhaled on his words, not being prepared for them.

  “Yes,” I all but whispered.

  He moved slowly, shifting towards me and wrapping his arms around my body. He leant his forehead against the side of mine. I felt a sense of relief and belonging. As if this boy accepted me. I didn’t realise I needed it until that exact moment when Raphael hugged me for the first time.

  “You are wanted. Mer calls you her superhero. She wants you.”

  She did. Having her in my life was everything. The only reason I didn’t fall apart was knowing Meredith needed me. I’d crawled into her bed the night of my mum’s revelation and cried into my sister’s hair. She kept asking me what was wrong but I couldn’t tell her. I kept everything bottled up inside. And now, I felt relief having finally told someone about it.

  “And I want you in my life.”

  My hand shook at his words. I tried not to read into what he was saying.

  “You do?”

  “You’re such a good person, Jonah. I don’t know why anyone wouldn’t want you as a friend.”

  Even though it should make me happy, it didn’t. My stomach sank. Raphael wouldn’t see me as anything but a friend. I knew that. It didn’t stop it hurting. I’d never felt this way about anyone before. Raphael was the first person I really… wanted. The first person I felt an actual connection with.

  You should never have allowed it to get this far.

  My heart hurt when he pulled away. I internally scolded myself for my ridiculous emotions. I had to shut it down and be his friend.

  “Thank you… for listening,” I said as I didn’t trust myself to say anything else.

  “You’ve done it enough for me, about time I got to do so for you. Thank you for opening up to me.”

  I w
atched him sipping his tea out of the corner of my eye. He had a sad smile on his face like the knowledge I suffered as much as he did was painful for him.

  “You told me you didn’t want this to be one-sided.”

  “I guess I did. Maybe we need each other or something.”

  I nodded.

  “Yeah, I guess we do… or something.”

  He chuckled and nudged my shoulder with his which in turn made me smile. The tension between us dissipated.

  I tried to be okay with the fact he and I were only ever destined to be just friends. Tried being the operative word. It was the only thing I could do. Try. And hope I didn’t fail. I couldn’t fail the boy next to me.

  He needed me.

  Chapter Eleven

  The day I almost told Jonah the truth about my parents only confused me further. I had severe word vomit around this boy. I only had to look at him and all I wanted to do was spill all my secrets. Every thought I had rattling around in my head. I wanted him to know everything about me, which was crazy since I’d never wanted that with anyone.

  Jonah wasn’t like anyone else I’d met. He was kind, caring, and a little broken on the inside. Just like me. Every time I saw him, my feelings got more and more tangled, like I was trapped in a web with no way out.

  We hadn’t had any further deep conversations like the day at the café. A couple of weeks had flown by in the blink of an eye. I’d seen him a few times and we texted a lot. To be honest, it was daily. Our budding friendship had grown into something more. Something magical in a lot of ways. And it was driving me absolutely crazy. I couldn’t afford to feel this way about him.

  It’s not like Jonah was exactly forbidden to me. I wasn’t crushing on someone straight, which would have been worse. I’d just forbidden myself from feeling these things. Held myself back because of everything going on in my life. And I didn’t think he liked me in that way either. It was kind of a moot point.

  It, however, didn’t stop me from wanting to understand myself better when it came to my sexuality. I’d thought about broaching the subject with my dad but decided against it. I knew he’d understand, but I guess I didn’t feel comfortable asking questions since he’d never struggled with his identity. He’d known who he was since he was young.

  There was someone else I could talk to. Someone who I knew might give me shit over it, but he could be relied on to be serious when needed. Hence why I was standing outside his bedroom door and had raised my hand to knock.

  “Come in,” came the muffled noise from beyond.

  I opened the door and stepped in, finding Xav sitting at his desk with his laptop open. He turned his head to look at me.

  “Hello, cheeky monkey.”

  My parents always called me that. It had been a thing since I was a kid running circles around them. And because I used to climb all over the furniture in my effort to explore my environment. I was more interested in the outside world than my siblings had ever been.

  “Hey,” I replied, shutting the door behind me.

  Xav frowned a little.

  “What can I do for you?”

  I walked over and sat on the edge of his bed, staring down at the covers.

  “Can I ask you some questions? They’re kind of… serious.”

  I raised my eyes in time to see him spin around in his chair and splay out his hands.

  “Serious, eh? You sure I’m the right person for that? Your dad is better at serious conversations.”

  “I’m sure.”

  I wasn’t, but I was still all kinds of messed up. I wanted to find some kind of clarity. Or at least to understand how I could go about working my feelings in a less chaotic manner.

  “Well, I suppose I can try. What’s this about, Raphi?”

  I fiddled with the blanket on the end of his bed.

  “How and when did you know you were… bisexual?”

  Xav’s eyebrows shot up. After a moment, he leant forward in his chair, resting his arms on his knees. There was concern written all over his features.

  “Is there a reason you’re asking me this?”

  “Sort of. I’m curious. Dad told me he always knew he didn’t have a gender preference, but I know that’s not the case for everyone.”

  He didn’t respond to me straight away. Instead, he stood up from his chair and came to sit next to me.

  “Have you spoken to E about this?”

  “Not exactly, no. He brought it up in conversation a while ago. I didn’t ask him.”

  “Are you confused in some way?”

  I didn’t know how to tell him I was. How being around Jonah had made me question everything about myself. How I wanted to act on these feelings, but I held myself back. Jonah didn’t see me in that way. And I didn’t want the backlash I would get at school. I couldn’t deal with any more bullying about things I had no control over.

  “I don’t know. Will you answer my question?”

  He let out a sigh and looked over at his bookshelves.

  “I always had this niggling feeling in the back of my mind I wasn’t just into the ladies. I didn’t meet anyone I seriously considered getting involved with until I was in my teens. I guess I was the same age as you are now when I met Marcin. It was like a switch flipped, you know. Not that it was right, but I’d already lost my virginity to a girl by then. Don’t get any ideas in your head about doing it before you’re sixteen or your dad would kill me, yeah?”

  “Don’t worry, I’m not planning on it. Besides, I’m not with anyone.”

  I hadn’t even considered the possibility of sex until I was over the age of consent. It wasn’t like I was in a rush. It could wait until I met someone I really liked.

  You really like Jonah.

  Shut up, brain. Not helping!

  “Good, you just wait until you’re ready and it’s with the right person.”

  I smiled. Xav was a good dad to us even though he drove my other dads and my mum crazy half the time with his jokes. He gave solid advice and never made me feel stupid. It’s why I felt comfortable asking him this stuff. He was always the most open and out there with himself. Never backing down from a challenge. I admired that about Xav. I didn’t think I would ever have his courage, too much like my dad with being in my own head all the time.

  “Dad said the same thing to me.”

  “Of course, he did. E is a little sensitive sap who believes in only fucking people he actually cares about. Anyway, sorry, I’m sure you don’t want to think about that.”

  I grimaced.

  “Yeah, not something any kid wants to think about their parents.”

  Xav smiled and nudged me with his shoulder.

  “As I was saying, I met Marcin and things just kind of clicked for me. He was the first guy I slept with. I haven’t been with many men compared to women, but your mum might kill me if I talk about that part of my life.”

  “Why would she?”

  His smile turned devious.

  “I was quite free with my… affections.”

  “So what, you were a manwhore?”

  “Now where did you learn a word like that?”

  I rolled my eyes.

  “I’m fifteen, Xav, not exactly an innocent, uncorrupted child any longer. How can I be with you, Dad, Rory and Quinn as parents?”

  He chuckled. My parents couldn’t be called nice, polite people. They all swore like sailors, told it like it was, and had never hidden who they were from us.

  “You have a point. And to answer your question, yes, I was. Your mother changed that. She was like an angel sent to save us all. She taught me how to love. And it’s how I was able to accept your dad’s love.”

  I’d heard this before… too many times. My parents’ love story wasn’t exactly what you’d call orthodox or romantic. More like fucked up and often made me wonder how they even navigated such a thing. The fact they’d stayed together for the past twenty-one years and were still so in love was no
mean feat.

  “Yeah, okay, I know, you, Mum and Dad are all grossly in love with each other and will always be.”

  “Nothing gross about being in love, Raphi. Love makes the world go around. You’ll work that out one day and then I can say I told you so.”

  I knocked his arm with my hand.

  “Shut up, Dad would tell you off for gloating.”

  “E and Ash tell me off for everything. I’m used to it.”

  Xav got in trouble with Mum way more than my other dads. He was notorious in our family for it.

  We lapsed into silence for a long moment.

  “I am wondering why you would come to me about this rather than your dad,” Xav said. “Do you think you might be bi? Is that what this is about?”

  I folded my hands in my lap and stared down at them.

  “If I answer that question you have to promise me you won’t tell anyone else.”

  “Can I ask why you don’t want E to know?”

  “I just don’t. I came to you, Xav. I know it’s weird, but I feel safer talking to you about this stuff.”

  I glanced over as his eyes softened and he wrapped an arm around my shoulder.

  “Well, okay. You have my word, I won’t tell a soul.”

  I didn’t know why exactly I felt confiding in Xav was the better option. Somehow, I couldn’t bring myself to speak to Dad. He would understand more than anyone else how I felt about Jonah, but I couldn’t tell him about my feelings. I didn’t like knowing they even existed.

  “I honestly don’t know. I like girls, but…”

  “You can like boys too, Raphi.”

  “I know I can. I don’t know if I do or if it’s just one… boy.”

  “So, there’s a boy?”

  I nodded, feeling miserable about it. Jonah made my heart ache with longing. He was such a beautiful person on the inside and out. The person who ended up with him would be one lucky guy. He’d take care of them, give them everything they needed in life. I had a feeling Jonah loved hard and would do anything to make his partner happy.

  I wish that boy could be me, even though I can’t ever see it happening.

  “Is he straight?”

  “No.”

  “Then what’s the problem?”

  Everything. My whole life was the problem.