Our Darkest Scar

by Sarah Bailey

  “My mum, after one of her weird shopping sprees she went on when my dad died.”

  He gave me a sympathetic look.

  “Wow, okay, I definitely think your room is a better option if this is the alternative.”

  I grinned.

  “Glad you agree. Come on, I promise it’s far more comfortable than that… thing.” I waved at the sofa. “I do really wish I could burn it.”

  He followed me out of the room and upstairs to my room. I opened the door and directed him inside. He turned his head from side to side as he went in, looking around with interest. I had pale blue walls with a few pictures up on them. My bed was in the middle of the room with my desk against one wall and on the other, I had a TV mounted, which I’d turned on before he’d got here.

  I fidgeted by the door, watching him take in my space as if he could learn things about me from it.

  “Is what you expected?”

  He jolted and looked back at me with a sheepish expression on his face.

  “Yeah actually, it’s exactly what I thought your room might look like.”

  I wondered what he meant by that when he gave me this amused sort of smile. I walked into the room, rubbing my chin with my hand.

  “Oh? Am I that transparent?”

  “No, you’re not. I just knew it would be neat as a pin.”

  He was right. My room was organised down to the last detail. Not a single thing out of place. Meredith told me it would make any potential love interest think I was a control freak. I wasn’t, just liked things to be in order.

  “Do you want to sit?” I waved at the bed. “I picked out a couple of potential films.”

  I watched him look at my bed and then visibly swallow. Not wanting to read into it, I moved closer and sat down with my back up against the headboard. Raphael kicked off his trainers and sat next to me but left a gap between us.

  “What are our options?”

  “Okay.” I picked up the remote. “We can go action, sci-fi or maybe… a romcom.”

  His eyebrow quirked up.

  “Are you a secret romance lover, Jonah?”

  I spluttered.

  “What? Um… I mean I watch them with Meredith.”

  He grinned and shifted, nudging my arm with his.

  “It’s okay, Mum makes us watch them all the time. Also, Rory is an avid romance reader. It’s not like it’s some weird taboo or unmanly thing in our household.”

  I was not expecting him to reveal that bit of information.

  “Wait, seriously?”

  “Oh yeah, Cole thinks it’s embarrassing, but I think it’s cool. Rory said it helped him learn about relationships and how to treat my mum right. He had the hardest time out of my parents growing up. Not sure why you’re so surprised, we are a rather progressive family, don’t you know.”

  I almost laughed. His family was a little bit more than progressive. They were unique. And I was insanely curious about them, but I would never pry into Raphael’s life. He could tell me things when he was ready to open up.

  “I take it Rory is Cole’s dad.”

  “Yeah, sorry, I didn’t explain that part. Duke’s dad is Xav and Aurora’s is Quinn. If you saw all of us at the same time, you could tell straight away. We look way more like our dads than we do our mum.”

  “Maybe one day I can meet them.”

  Raphi’s body seemed to go tense at my words.

  Does he not want me to meet his parents? It’s not like I don’t already know his siblings.

  “Maybe… why don’t we watch an action flick, hey?”

  The abrupt change of subject made my stomach sink. I’d hit a nerve and I wasn’t sure why. I knew his parents were a sore point for him. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. The last thing I wanted was for him to shut down on me. I was here to help him not make it worse.

  “Um, sure.”

  I fiddled with the remote and selected the film. The title credits filled the screen. I got more comfortable, shifting the pillows behind me. Raphael didn’t look my way, merely fixed his gaze on the TV. I’d made things awkward between us and I hated it.

  I tried not to look at him, but I couldn’t help myself, especially when he bit his lip. I watched the indents his teeth made and the way his eyes tracked the movement on the screen. Those green eyes behind his wide-framed glasses which I could drown in.

  You have it really bad for him, you do realise that, right?

  It was far worse than I realised. My feelings kept growing and deepening. I wanted to know what the heat of his palm felt like against me. To experience my first kiss with the boy next to me. And it was really fucked up since this was my little sister’s friend. He was also straight, so me having this crush was ridiculous. I needed to quit it and fast before I did something worse. Like fall for him.

  You’re in serious danger of that, anyway.

  “Jonah.”

  I jumped, finding his eyes on me whilst I’d been staring at his mouth.

  Oh fuck, he’s caught me staring. Shit, I hope I haven’t freaked him out.

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m sorry about before.”

  I met his eyes, not understanding what he meant.

  “Before?”

  “I got weird about my parents.”

  “Oh, it’s fine. I know that’s a weird subject for you.”

  His eyes flicked down to my mouth, which made my skin prickle. We were less than a foot apart from each other.

  “It is.”

  “Don’t worry about it. I know you find it hard to—”

  My words died in my throat because he’d leant closer.

  “I want to tell you. I keep going back and forth with myself over it all. I trust you, but I don’t want to betray my parents.”

  I got stuck in place. He was so close to me, I could hardly breathe. Could hardly think straight.

  “I feel like there’s no one else in the world except you and me when we’re alone. I don’t know what it is about you, but sometimes I just want to blurt out all of my inner thoughts and feelings because I know somehow you’d understand.”

  My hands curled around the covers to stop myself from doing something reckless. Like reaching out and touching him or pulling him closer and kissing him. What did two-and-a-half years between us matter when he looked at me as if I was the very thing he needed to survive his pain?

  Shit, I want to kiss him. This is wrong. This is so bad. I can’t be feeling this way.

  “Jonah, my parents… they… they’re killers.”

  His words broke through the strange spell he had on me.

  “What?”

  He pulled back abruptly and tugged his hand through his hair.

  “Fuck, that came out the wrong way.”

  “Wait, hold on, did you just say your parents are killers? As in they’ve killed people?”

  “Yes, but it’s not that simple. Nothing about their lives is simple.” He dropped his face into his hands. “Shit, I should not have told you that.”

  “I don’t understand. What do you mean, Raphael? You can’t say that and not explain.”

  My mind whirled with all sorts of insane scenarios. Insane reasons to explain why he’d said it and whether it was actually true. It’s not like I thought he’d lied. He wouldn’t say those things to get attention. If anything, he didn’t want to bring down any further heat on himself. He was already being bullied at school.

  “It means exactly what you think it does.”

  “You’re going to have to give me a bit more than just, my parents are killers.”

  He let out a long sigh, then he dropped his hands from his face and raised his head. When he met my eyes, I saw something in them I hadn’t before. There was a strange intensity as if he was about to do something that scared him.

  “I know. I know I do, but… first, first I need to…”

  He moved so fast. One moment he was staring at me, the next his f
ace was right up in mine as his hand curled around my jaw.

  “I need to know,” he whispered.

  And before I could begin to work out what he meant, Raphael kissed me.

  Chapter Fourteen

  The questions and emotions whirling around my brain stopped the moment I kissed Jonah. It was as if everything stopped. Time its-fucking-self went still, leaving just me and him. Just us and nothing else. His mouth was warm. His skin under my palm where I was holding his face felt soft. I was surrounded by his scent. It was earthy, like rosewood or something. Who knew. All I knew was his lips were soft and he’d frozen in place when I pressed my mouth on his.

  Seconds ticked by and I thought about pulling away until Jonah made this whimpering sound. Then he kissed me back. He released the covers he’d been holding and grabbed me, one of his hands threading in my hair whilst the other curled around my shoulder. As he pressed his mouth more firmly against mine, my glasses got all squished up against my face. I reached up, prying them off and tossing them away from us. I didn’t need those to kiss him.

  What am I doing? This is madness. Oh shit, he’s kissing me back.

  I shouldn’t be kissing him, but I couldn’t stop myself. After my conversation with Xav yesterday, all I’d thought about was how I felt about Jonah. How I had no idea if I was bisexual or not. How I’d never experienced these emotions for another person before. The need to be as close to them as possible. The want and, if I was honest with myself, desire. Not that I could act on the latter or anything, but it didn’t stop me wanting to feel him against me.

  I’d never kissed anyone before. It was everything and nothing like I imagined. My heart hammered in my chest. I thought it might explode with the way it was pounding. All I wanted to do was press closer. To feel more.

  It was me who pushed him back against the headboard, momentarily breaking our kiss. Me who climbed into his lap. Me who gripped his face and kissed him again, this time pressing my tongue against his lips. I had no idea what I was doing, acting purely on instinct. Acting on whatever insanity had overtaken me. But it was Jonah who responded to me. He gripped my waist, tugging me against him. Our bodies became flush with one another. He opened his mouth and let my tongue meld with his.

  My body felt so hot being this close to him. Having his chest against me. Feeling his heart hammering in tandem with mine. Our kiss was uncoordinated, but it didn’t seem to matter to either of us. Nothing mattered. Not him being Meredith’s brother nor me being utterly confused about my sexuality. And it definitely didn’t matter I’d told him my parents were killers without giving him a real explanation.

  “Raphael,” he whimpered against my mouth, his hands tightening around my waist.

  My name on his lips spurred me on. No one else said it the way he did. I kissed him harder, wanting to bury myself inside Jonah, then I’d never have to come up for air. He made me feel secure. Safe. He just made me fucking well feel something other than emptiness and self-loathing. Jonah considered me worthwhile. He gave me his time and attention. Being with him made me feel… seen.

  I didn’t want reality to intrude on us, but it hit me like a freight train. The realisation I was messed up as fuck for doing this. For needing to know how deep my attraction to him ran. For needing to work out if I liked boys as well as girls.

  I’d got one thing straight. Kissing Jonah, feeling his body against mine had provoked a reaction. One which was quite obviously pressing against him. My reaction to him made me pull back abruptly, putting space between him and my state of arousal.

  Jonah blinked rapidly as if coming out of a daze. His green eyes were wide and his pupils dilated as if he’d taken a hit of something. Being this close to him meant I could still see without my glasses since I was only short-sighted.

  “I… I’m sorry,” I blurted out, my voice all breathy, “I don’t know why I did that.”

  He hadn’t let go of me, his hands firmly circled around my waist. I looked around, finding my glasses hadn’t gone far. I reached out, grabbing them and shoving them back on my face. Jonah was still staring at me with his mouth closed as if he wasn’t sure how to respond.

  “Jonah, you can let go of me.”

  He looked down at his hands then back up at me.

  “What if I don’t want to?”

  I sucked in a breath at his words. Did he like me in that way? And if so, how the hell hadn’t I noticed before?

  He kissed you back. I think you can assume he was into it.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  He swallowed.

  “I don’t know, Raphael. You kissed me out of the blue and I’m completely thrown by it. I… I haven’t done that with anyone else.”

  Well, that’s great. I just stole his first kiss… but I did give him mine in return.

  “Neither have I.”

  His cheeks pinked up. I would have said it was adorable if this entire situation was different. He removed one of his hands from me, reaching up to rub the back of his neck. His teeth sunk down into his bottom lip. It only made me want to bite it myself. Our kiss hadn’t been enough. The urge to do it again drove through me.

  “Was… was it okay?” I asked before I had a chance to think about it.

  “What? The kiss?”

  “Yeah.”

  His blush deepened, spreading down his neck. I took it as a yes since it was clear he was having trouble forming a sentence. He dropped his hand from his neck onto my thigh. I was beginning to believe him when he said he didn’t want to let me go.

  “It was more than okay,” he murmured the next moment. “I didn’t want to stop.”

  I swear to god my heart went batshit crazy at his words.

  “You didn’t?”

  He shook his head, staring at me with nothing short of an open invitation to kiss him again. I swallowed, unsure if I should or not. Unsure of everything now I’d come to the realisation being with Jonah turned me on as much as the thought of being with a girl did.

  I’m not… straight.

  I didn’t know how I felt about it. It shouldn’t make me feel nervous and insecure. Sexuality was a spectrum. This I knew. Yet the fact still remained, I was already being terrorised for who I was. If they knew about this, it would be worse.

  So. Much. Worse.

  “Raphael?”

  My eyes dropped to his mouth.

  “Why did you kiss me?”

  I remembered I’d told him I needed to know before I kissed him. But knowing for sure my feelings towards Jonah weren’t platonic only confused me further.

  “I wanted to… because… because I like you.”

  You idiot! Why the fuck did you tell him that?

  “You like me. Oh. I thought you were straight.”

  I closed my eyes for a second, wondering how to explain it. Being this close to him wasn’t helping matters. His presence scrambled my brain. When I opened my eyes, I moved, forcing him to drop his hands from my body. I sat next to him, pulling my knees up against my chest and wrapping my arms around them. I stared down at them rather than looking at him.

  “I am… at least, I think I am. I don’t really know.”

  “So it was just an experiment to you?”

  “No, that makes it sound like you were my guinea pig or something.” I looked over at him. “I swear it’s not like that. I’m just confused. You make me… confused.”

  He eyed me with a cautious expression as if he didn’t know what to make of what I was saying.

  “Look, I’m really sorry I did it. I don’t want you to think I’m like trying to mess you around or anything.”

  “You don’t need to apologise.”

  I lifted my hand from my leg and rubbed my face.

  “Yes, I do. Your first kiss shouldn’t have been with me. I don’t even know what I want or who I am, Jonah. I’m totally fucked up and you deserve better than that. So I am sorry.”

  He stared at me for a long moment. I co
uldn’t read his expression and it bothered me. I didn’t intend to make things weird between us. To make things awkward. I’d just wanted to kiss him and the consequences hadn’t really registered. Now I was seriously regretting doing it.

  He licked his lip, making me even more nervous about what he was going to say.

  “I’m not.”

  Wait, what does he mean? Does he not regret it?

  “What?”

  “I’m not sorry you kissed me because, if I’m honest, I’ve wanted to kiss you for weeks.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  I’d gone and done it now. There was no taking it back. There was no taking back our kiss either. Not when it had been the most alive I’d felt since my dad died. It was like all those films describe when fireworks go off inside your head and your entire world shifts underneath you. He felt… right. It’s not as if I wasn’t sure I was into boys or anything but kissing him had solidified it.

  “You have?” he whispered, his eyes wide with shock.

  “Yes. I like you too.”

  He blinked then looked down at his knees.

  Him kissing me hadn’t completely distracted me from what he’d said before it happened. Before he flipped my world upside down. I still needed to understand why he’d told me his parents were killers.

  “Why? I’m not anything special.”

  I reached out, taking his chin in my hand and tipping his face back towards me.

  “You are special to me, Raphael.”

  The day I’d found him crying in the toilets had been the beginning. Raphael might be confused and had buried himself under all that self-loathing, but to me, he was beautiful inside and out. Everything about him made my heart sing. All I wanted to do was help him be the best version of himself. To protect him from all the shit he had to deal with. To save him.

  He bit his lip, his eyes full of conflicting emotions.

  “I owe you an explanation about my parents.”

  It was clear he couldn’t deal with what I’d said to him. Maybe it had been too much. He had just told me I confused him. I dropped my hand from his chin and nodded slowly. Despite wanting to press him on the subject of what the hell it meant now we’d kissed, I knew it was a bad idea.