Our Darkest Scar

by Sarah Bailey

  “You have someone here. Who?”

  She looked past me as if she could see through the closed door of my bedroom.

  “A friend.”

  “A friend who slept in your bed with you. Spare me the run-around, Raphael. What is going on? You only just broke up with Lana.”

  I was well aware of the fact. Far too aware.

  “You didn’t even like Lana. Why does it matter how much time it’s been?”

  I wanted this conversation to be over. Just another reason I needed to move out. I loved my mum, but she was exhausting.

  “You’re dating someone new already?”

  “No! I just told you we’re friends. Can I please go back to bed?”

  It was better she thought that than whatever was going on between me and Jonah.

  “Raphael—”

  “Mum, please stop. I’m fine. I know what I’m doing. When I am ready to tell you about them, I will, until then, please, please, please leave it alone.”

  She closed her mouth and stared at me for a long moment. I hated upsetting my mum but she was being overbearing.

  “Okay, monkey. I’m doing it again. Being too much.”

  I reached out and tugged her into my arms. Mum had always been tiny compared to the rest of us. Aurora favoured Quinn so even she was taller than Mum.

  “I love you, Mum, but I’m an adult now. Let me decide when and how I tell you things.”

  “I just worry because you kept some very big things from us and I don’t want that to happen again.”

  I held her tighter. It’s not like I didn’t understand where her fears stemmed from. The whole bullying incident had been a wakeup call for my parents about what was going at school. How all four of us had been given shit for their relationship, but I’d got the brunt of it. Didn’t matter anymore since those days were behind me, but Mum never forgot. She would probably remember the bruises on my face and my stomach for the rest of her life.

  “This is not one of those things.”

  She rubbed my back.

  “I trust you.”

  “Thank you.”

  She pulled away and reached up, stroking my cheek.

  “I’m going to make you both breakfast. I’ll leave it outside the door, okay?”

  I knew arguing with her over it would be futile. She would only tell me not to be stupid. She was my mother and wanted to take care of me.

  “Okay.”

  She smiled and turned, walking down the hallway towards the kitchen. I watched her until she disappeared from sight before going into the bathroom. I went about my business and brushed my teeth since I didn’t want morning breath. Then I went back into my room, shutting the door, setting my glasses on the bedside table and slipping into bed again.

  Jonah was still fast asleep. I curled myself around him, kissing his bare shoulder. As if on instinct, he shifted further back into my embrace and murmured something intelligible. It made me smile. He and I fit together. I couldn’t deny it.

  Would it really be so hard for me to be with him?

  I hated myself for making it this complicated. Hated I couldn’t accept I was in love with a boy. My feelings for him had nothing to do with his gender. I loved the person he was. The way he understood without judgement or reservations. It was all about my own fucked up self-image. How I couldn’t accept the way I was. Labels made my skin itch even though I knew I was bisexual. Dad had always told me he hated being labelled. Maybe I’d got it from him. He only ever said he was pansexual for other people’s benefit so they could understand who he was. For him, he was just Eric Nelson and it’s all the label he needed.

  Maybe I needed to be more like my father. Just be who I was without labels. It wasn’t that simple. Nothing with me was ever that simple.

  I nuzzled my face in Jonah’s neck, kissing his skin because I couldn’t stop myself. My body craved his. It ached for his touch. His fingers on me since I hadn’t allowed it last night. I would now. I’d let him do whatever he wanted to me.

  “Raphi?” came a mumbled, groggy voice.

  “I’m here, J.”

  “What time is it?”

  I peered over at the clock on the bedside table.

  “Eight-thirty.”

  “Mmm.”

  I couldn’t help smiling at how adorable he was being all sleepy and shit. This man made my heart do backflips in my chest.

  “Um so, Mum’s making us breakfast in bed.”

  He looked around at me, his green eyes wide.

  “What… why?”

  Jonah had no idea what my mum was really like.

  “She turned into the inquisition and demanded to know why I wasn’t alone. Arguing with her is futile, she wins every time. I only told her I have a friend over.”

  It’s not like I didn’t want to tell them about Jonah, I just wasn’t ready yet.

  “I think we’re a little more than friends.” He rubbed against me. “You wouldn’t be hard if that was the case.”

  I bit my lip at the dirty look in his eyes. No, I wouldn’t be rock hard against him if I didn’t desire him more than anything else.

  “Are you teasing me?”

  “Maybe.”

  “Rather bold if you’re not intending to follow through.”

  He smiled. That smile of his could light up the whole room.

  “I will after you direct me to the bathroom.”

  My mouth watered wondering what he had in mind.

  “It’s just across the hall, like almost directly opposite my room to the left.”

  “I’ll be back to follow through.”

  I let him go. He got up and stretched. My dick twitched watching the muscles on his back flex with the movement. He tugged on his t-shirt after snagging it off the floor. I watched him leave the room, half worried he’d run into someone in my family. Wouldn’t go down well if I went so far as to keep watch.

  I lay there, trying not to let my anxiety about it get the better of me until he returned, closing the door behind him. Jonah approached the bed with a sly smile on his face. He knelt at the end and tugged the covers off me, exposing my body to him inch by inch. I swallowed as he crawled over me when the covers were bunched up by my feet.

  “Will you let me make you feel good?” he asked, leaning down to press his lips to my jaw.

  “Yes.”

  His hands went to my t-shirt. I allowed him to tug it off me. His eyes darkened as he stared down at my bare chest.

  “Since you were complimenting me last night,” he murmured. “I want you to know just how much I desire you. Every part of you is beautiful to me.” He ran his fingers down my chest, making me stifle a groan. “Even your flaws.” He shifted lower, kissing along my collarbone. “You’re perfect to me, Raphi. I’ve never looked at anyone the way I do you. I can’t. You’re all I want.”

  I trembled at his words. His eyes were still on my face, watching my reaction, gauging my feelings about what he was saying to me. What he was admitting. He had no idea I’d already admitted to mine last night when I called him my heart in Italian. It was only a matter of time before he did.

  He trailed his mouth lower, his hot breath following the path of his tongue. I gripped the bed below me, trying not to direct proceedings even though my instincts cried out to grab him by the hair. Jonah had admitted to me last night he liked me being rough with him. I didn’t think he’d get upset if I did. He’d told me he wanted to make me feel good. This was me letting him.

  His fingers curled into my shorts and boxers, tugging them down as he went. I panted when he ran his tongue along my stomach, dipping between the subtle grooves. Dad and I went running three times a week with each other, something Cole had started joining in with since he and Meredith broke up.

  “Jonah,” I breathed when his fingers circled my cock, stroking slowly as he continued to trace his tongue along my stomach.

  I tried not to make comparisons between him and Lana. The w
ay he made me feel was a hundred times more intense and overwhelming. His touch electrified me, bringing me back to life after years of fucked up misery and resentment towards myself.

  I groaned when his mouth finally met my cock, his tongue circling the head. My mind ran riot with the thought of him doing this to someone else. It made me agitated because he was mine.

  What the fuck? He’s not yours.

  But he was. This man was mine. Even if we weren’t yet in a relationship. Even if I refused to admit how I felt about him. He was still… mine. And I was his.

  I forgot in those moments my mum was making us breakfast. I forgot I still had so much to think about and decide. All I could see, feel and hear was him. The way his mouth closed over me. How hot and wet it was as he sucked me deeper. How I didn’t think I could get enough of this. I wanted more with him. I fucking well wanted everything.

  My hand curled into his hair of its own accord, pushing him further down on my cock, making him take it. His green eyes glittered with need and I knew he wanted this. He liked me taking control. Why was it such an exciting prospect? Why did it make me feel this fucking alive?

  “I want you to take it all,” I all but grunted at him.

  His eyes burnt with the need to obey me. And he did. My cock sunk into his mouth, hitting the back of his throat. Jonah swallowed and took me deeper. I all but fucking died at the tightness and the sheer bliss of being in him like this.

  “That’s it,” I moaned. “Fuck, don’t stop.”

  To my utmost surprise, he did take it all. I didn’t know what the fuck to do with myself, but I didn’t want to choke him. I loosened my grip on his hair. He pulled off me, leaving strings of saliva coating my length as he took several deep breaths.

  “You okay?” I murmured, wanting to make sure I hadn’t hurt him.

  He gave me a smile and nodded. Then his mouth was on my cock again and he went to fucking town on me. I was so far gone, I didn’t even stop him or direct proceedings. All I could feel was ecstasy. My hand fisted the covers, my knuckles whitening under the strain. His hand planted firmly on my stomach to keep me in place as I struggled to stop bucking.

  “Fuck, shit, Jesus, fuck, Jonah.”

  My body tensed up. I felt it hit me before I could even utter a sound. I fought against closing my eyes because I wanted to see him. I needed to. The way he stared up at me, eyes dark with satisfaction as if pleasing me made it all worthwhile for him. The words I wanted to say burnt in my throat.

  I want us to be together… as a couple.

  I didn’t know how to admit it to him. It felt wrong to ask him to be mine considering I wasn’t even okay with telling my parents about him. Duke was the only person I could talk to about this.

  I closed my eyes, unable to fight against it any longer. Allowing the waves of pleasure to wash over me, I stopped my wandering thoughts in their tracks.

  When I finally came down and opened my eyes, Jonah had moved to lay next to me. I heard a sharp rap at the door.

  “Monkey, just leaving it outside the door,” came my mum’s muffled voice.

  “Okay,” I called back, my voice sounding a little hoarse.

  I turned to Jonah who was smiling at me, his fingers stroking down my chest.

  “Hungry?”

  His eyes glittered with amusement.

  “Yeah, though you did just feed me.”

  I felt my face growing hot.

  “You’re bad.”

  He leant down and brushed his lips against mine.

  “I think you like it.”

  I reached up and cupped the back of his head, kissing him. I could taste myself on him, but I didn’t care much about that. When he pulled back, I smiled.

  “I’ll warn you now, Mum’s probably gone all out. She likes to take care of us.”

  “Good thing we worked up an appetite.”

  I shook my head as he sat up. Pulling myself up, I dragged my clothes back on and walked over to the door. True to my word, Mum had gone all out and made us a crazy amount of food. There was fruit, toast, yoghurt, granola, orange juice and tea. I picked up the tray and took it in. Jonah’s eyebrows raised when I placed it on the bed.

  “I could get used to this.”

  I smiled. Maybe he would if I was brave enough to be with him. I watched him pick up one of the bowls and dig in.

  “My parents are throwing Xav a birthday party next week. Do… do you want to come?”

  Jonah looked up at me, his eyes widening.

  “Um, where is it?”

  “At the restaurant in the casino, but like it’s not some sit-down thing. There’ll be food, dancing and games and stuff. It was Dad’s idea to do a children’s birthday party but an adult version. I’d… I’d like it if you came. And you can meet my parents finally.”

  He was silent for a long moment. I thought he was going to say no because he looked conflicted.

  “I’d love to.”

  I leant closer to him and kissed his cheek.

  “I’m glad.”

  The thought of introducing Jonah to my parents was terrifying, but it wasn’t like I had to tell them we were anything other than friends. I was going to have to decide where he and I stood. And it needed to be soon because it wasn’t fair of me to have us remain in limbo. I just hoped by the time next week came around, I would know what exactly I was going to do.

  Chapter Twenty Seven

  I trudged after my dad, wondering whether I should talk to him about me and Jonah or not. We’d been walking around for an hour now, having gone to a few shops in the shopping centre already. Dad stopped in front of a display and glanced over the items. Then his eyes flicked over to me as I came to a standstill next to him.

  “Don’t tell me you’re tired already, monkey.”

  I shook my head.

  “No, just thinking is all.”

  “About anything in particular? You’ve been rather quiet today.”

  I wasn’t the most talkative person in general, but I usually made an effort with my dad. Everything with Jonah was making my head spin. When he’d left earlier, I’d felt bereft of his presence immediately. He said he’d come to Xav’s party, but it was a week away and the thought of not seeing him until then almost sent me into a blind panic. It’s as if when I’d finally given myself permission to want him, I couldn’t deal with being away from him.

  What do I even do with that? It’s not like I can monopolise his time.

  “A lot of stuff really.”

  Dad eyed me with a curious expression on his face. He knew I went to Duke if anything was bothering me. This didn’t feel like something I could talk to my brother about since he was just as fucked up as me about the person he cared about.

  “That’s a little vague, monkey.”

  I shrugged. If I started asking him questions, he might get suspicious as to why.

  “What do you want me to say?”

  “I’d like it if you told me what’s wrong.”

  I fiddled with the bags in my hand. We’d already got all Xav’s birthday presents, now we were just looking for party supplies. The staff at the casino were mostly handling the preparations, but Dad wanted to get some specific things to match the adult theme we were going with. I was pretty sure when Quinn saw we’d bought a whole bunch of penis straws, dick-shaped confetti and ordered a birthday cake shaped like a pair of breasts, he might have something to say about it. Xav would find it funny, which is why we’d even gone out of our way to get them in the first place. My dads were nothing if not unique. I didn’t tend to get embarrassed by them any longer except when they started going on about their sex life. It was a subject I never wanted to think about let alone listen to them go on about.

  “Everything and nothing.”

  He rolled his eyes and moved along the aisle. I followed, wondering how long he was going to tolerate my reluctance to communicate. Dad was one of the most patient people I’d ever met, but even he had his
limits. I didn’t know how to broach the subject of Jonah with him. Mum would have told him about my guest. Dad hadn’t brought it up. He was probably waiting for me to.

  “Do you want to get some lunch, monkey?” he asked me a few minutes later.

  “Sure.”

  I followed him out of the shop once he’d paid and we found a chain restaurant to eat in. When we’d sat down with our bags under the table and had duly ordered at the counter, Dad shifted in his seat and stared at me. I felt mildly exposed as if all my thoughts were on display.

  “If I ask you something, can you promise me not to read into it?” I blurted out, wanting to rip the bandage off because this was driving me crazy.

  “Yes.”

  I fiddled with the sauces on the table, my nerves getting the better of me.

  “How did you know when it was the right time to… confess your feelings to Xav?”

  It’s not as if I wanted to make some big declaration to Jonah about how I felt. Just to make it known I wanted him to be mine. I couldn’t deal with the thought of him having a relationship with another guy. It made me jealous and possessive. Perhaps a product of growing up with four very different fathers. I knew who I might have got that kind of attitude from.

  Might? You know you get it from Quinn, don’t kid yourself into thinking anything else.

  Dad folded his hands on the table.

  “I didn’t.”

  “No?”

  “There’s never a right time, monkey. Life doesn’t come with perfect moments and opportunities.”

  “That’s not helpful.”

  He smiled and chuckled as if I was being unreasonable.

  “I don’t think I would have told Xav if it wasn’t for your mother, but that, in turn, made it complicated. There was a lot of jealousy, miscommunication and assumptions made between the five of us when we were working things out. It’s why we’ve always tried to instil the importance of honesty and communication in you kids.”

  Of course, I was well aware of how my parents had come together, but there were certain parts of their story they’d never talked about.

  “So what you’re saying is I should always be honest if even the timing isn’t right?”