Our Darkest Scar

by Sarah Bailey

  “You don’t have to.”

  He ran his other hand down my bare chest.

  “I want to.”

  I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Whilst I wasn’t fully in the mood, I didn’t want to upset him. All I could think about was making him happy. Doing what he wanted. Him pissing me off this evening by springing the Robin revelation on me didn’t matter. I couldn’t do anything but give Jonah what he needed.

  “Okay.”

  His smile widened. I bit my lip as he shifted back and pulled me out. The moment he wrapped his mouth and hand around me, I dug my fingers in his hair. He knew exactly how to make me feel good. I couldn’t help but groan. His mouth was heavenly.

  “J,” I hissed, shoving him down further on my cock. “Don’t stop.”

  My instinct to take control overrode anything else. I directed him with my hand, setting the pace. It’s what he liked, me telling him what to do, taking what I wanted.

  “You like that, don’t you? Taking it all.”

  He moaned around my cock, the vibrations making me crazy. I let the sensations drown me. I lost myself to him and these last moments we had before we’d be without each other.

  “Jonah, fuck… that’s it.” I could feel him struggling with the whole thing, but I didn’t let him up quite yet. “So good for me.”

  He ran a hand up my stomach as I released my grip on his head. He coughed a little when he pulled off me to catch his breath. Didn’t take him long to suck me again, working me with his hand at the same time. I gripped the covers below me, rolling my head back against the headboard. For those moments, the war going on in my head disappeared. It would come back with vengeance later, but I could deal with it. I always did.

  When I came, it was with a groan of his name and my body shuddering from the release. Jonah settled next to me after pulling on his boxers and tucking me back away. I slid down the bed and tugged the covers over us. It was getting late. He was leaving in the morning to catch his train. I turned out the lamp, knowing it was time we got some sleep.

  Jonah pulled me against his front, curling his arms around me and cradling me against his chest. He kissed my hair. I fought back against telling him I didn’t want him to go. I needed him here to get through my bullshit. I said nothing. Merely listened to the sound of his heart thumping in his chest where my face was pressed to it.

  “Would you be okay with me telling Robin and Damien we’re together?” he whispered.

  “Is Damien your other housemate?”

  “Yeah, he’s… well, Meredith calls him uptight and I suppose that’s an accurate description. Keeps to himself mostly and thoroughly disapproves of Robin’s exploits.”

  I’d already decided I didn’t like Robin, but I was biased. If I ever met the guy, I would be civil because I wasn’t the type of person to get confrontational. Wouldn’t stop me wishing he’d never touched my Jonah.

  “You can tell them.”

  I wanted that dickhead to know I’d staked my claim on Jonah. He was mine and no one else was going to have him. My possessiveness when it came to this man holding me knew no bounds.

  You really do sound like Quinn.

  All of my dads were pretty possessive over my mum, but Quinn was the worst for it. I guess this was a tick in the box for nurture over nature. I might be a lot like my biological father, but I’d been raised by four very different men and one headstrong woman. They’d rubbed off on me in different ways. I hadn’t yet realised it until now.

  “Thank you. I don’t want there to be any misunderstandings. I’m all yours, Raphi. There’s never going to be anyone else for me but you.”

  There he went again, scaring me with his feelings. It didn’t matter if I loved him more than life itself. I couldn’t safely say we would work out in the long run. Not when I was so fucked in the head. Him saying things like that put pressure on me to fix myself. I wanted to be someone who deserved him.

  Are you even capable of that? You’re still just as messed up as you were three years ago. You still can’t accept who you are.

  Whilst Jonah fell asleep, I lay there trying to work out how the hell I was going to make this better. I didn’t have the answers. And it fucking killed me.

  All I wanted was for us to survive. And yet… the biggest obstacle I had was myself.

  Chapter Thirty Two

  I stood at the front door with my hand cupping Jonah’s cheek. He turned his face into my palm and placed a kiss on it. We’d already shared a rather passionate and heartfelt goodbye kiss in my bedroom. Not to mention before when I’d woken him up with sex. Very hot, passionate and rough sex. I’d had to put my hand over his mouth to stifle his moans and cries. I wasn’t about to let him go without one last fuck since last night had become a bit of a mess.

  “Let me know when you get there, yeah?” I said, giving him a smile.

  “I will.”

  “I’ll see you then.”

  I dropped my hand, feeling bereft without his touch but knowing I had to let go. He gave me a warm smile before turning and walking down the steps. I watched him make his way up the road, my heart thumping as he turned back and waved. It sunk when he turned the corner and disappeared from sight. I shut the door and leant my head against it.

  I hate this. How will I cope without him? He keeps me from drowning.

  “You might want to cheer up before our parents see you and start asking questions about why you’re so forlorn,” Duke’s voice came from behind me.

  I pulled away from the door and turned to look at him. He’d poked his head out of the living room.

  “Shut up.”

  “I’m just saying.”

  “Well, don’t. I’m not in the mood.”

  My mind was already at war with itself over Jonah leaving. Over him being away from me. I did not want to deal with my brother poking holes in my fragile state. It wouldn’t help matters.

  I walked away towards the kitchen, hearing Duke’s footsteps as he followed me.

  “It would have been the perfect opportunity to tell them about the two of you.”

  I stiffened as I reached the fridge. The thought of admitting to my parents I was in a relationship with Jonah made my skin itch.

  “I don’t know why you keep insisting I should tell them.”

  “They already suspect it, so why don’t you come clean?”

  I turned around and glared at him.

  “You know why.”

  Duke rolled his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest as he leant up against the kitchen island.

  “They’re going to accept it if you’re with a man.”

  “That’s not what this is about.”

  It had never been about anyone else’s opinion. Never. Maybe it had started that way when I was being bullied. Their words had only fed into the insecurities I already had, amplifying them. I couldn’t ignore them any longer.

  “Jesus, Raphi. It’s not that hard. All you have to do is say… Mum, Dads, Jonah and I are together… that’s it.”

  “Fuck off. I know what to say.”

  Duke really did like to stick his oar in where it wasn’t wanted. I’d told him a thousand times it had more to do with my feelings as opposed to theirs. He could hardly talk anyway with the shit he was keeping from them.

  “Then why don’t you do it? You’re a grown man, just own up to it. What difference does it make if they know or not? It’s not going to change how you feel about yourself and would give Mum some fucking peace of mind when it comes to you. You know how she gets.”

  “Don’t use her against me.”

  He threw his hands up. I turned away and opened the fridge, wishing he’d drop the subject. Grabbing the milk, I set it on the counter. I filled the kettle with water and flipped it on before digging out a couple of mugs from the cupboard.

  “I wouldn’t have to if you didn’t keep getting in your own way all the time. I’m surprised he hasn’t said anything to you abou
t it.”

  I clenched my fist. Jonah had last night, before apologising profusely. Didn’t matter. The damage was already done. My inability to be honest was wearing thin on him. And I couldn’t blame him. It was on me. All on me.

  “He’s giving me the time I need because he understands why it’s hard for me.”

  My words sounded hollow to my own ears. The real reason he was doing it was because he didn’t want me to leave him. He didn’t want to push me for fear I would walk out the door.

  “No, he’s doing it because he loves you, Raphi. Don’t kid yourself into thinking anything else.”

  “How the fuck would you know that?”

  Jonah doesn’t love me, does he?

  My brain was laughing at my expense. There was no other explanation. He loved me. It was the only reason he’d put up with my shit. The only reason anyone ever put up with being kept a secret. Love.

  “You are blind if you don’t see the way he looks at you.” He waved his hands over his eyes. “It’s like he’s got fucking stars in his eyes. I don’t even have to ask him to know how he feels about you. It’s obvious to me so it’s going to be obvious to other people. You’re in denial since you can’t get your fucking shit straight. If you said jump, he’d ask how high, that’s how much he loves you. With the way you’re going right now, you’re going to lose the only person who’s ever made you happy. Stop being such a fucking coward and admit you have a boyfriend who you’re in love with too.”

  Since Duke was the only person who knew the truth, the three of us had hung out together more than once. Duke wanted to get to know the man I was with since I was his little brother and he saw it as his duty to protect me. He always had. Duke might like to portray himself as this unfeeling, emotionless manwhore, but it wasn’t the real man inside. He was sensitive and caring. He loved with everything he had. I’s the way all of us were. Maybe because we’d grown up surrounded by that kind of love.

  “I can’t.”

  He gave me a look. I hated how all of his words were true. They cut into me, making my heart bleed. It wasn’t Duke’s fault. He wanted what was best for me. Tough love was the way he dealt with this kind of shit. I was the one at fault. It was always me.

  “It’s your funeral… but don’t think I won’t be here for you when it comes to a head, okay? I’m always here for you.”

  I looked away, staring at the kettle as his words sunk in. It would come to a point where I’d have to deal with it. All I’d done for the whole summer was put it off to allow me to enjoy the time I had with Jonah. There were no expectations. No need to poke my head out of our bubble. Reality had intruded now. And reality was a bitch.

  “Oh, morning.”

  I looked around finding Aurora’s boyfriend standing in the doorway with a dazed look and slightly swollen lips as if he’d been ravaged. I hid a smile. No doubt she’d sent him out here after rocking his world.

  “Morning,” Duke said, his eyes twinkling. “Surprised you’re here, does Quinn know?”

  I almost snorted. Quinn might have begrudgingly accepted Logan wasn’t going anywhere even after all the shit between him and Aurora, but it didn’t mean our super overprotective father approved of the guy. Our sister was determined to be with Logan anyway no matter what Quinn thought. I admired her for it. She wasn’t scared to be who she was and choose who she wanted.

  You’re the one who’s a coward.

  It wasn’t just me. Duke was as bad if not worse.

  “He doesn’t,” Logan said as he walked further into the room. “You two planning on telling him?”

  “Do you want me to?”

  Logan rolled his eyes. He was used to Duke by now.

  “You making tea?” Logan asked me as he came to settle nearby.

  “Yeah, do you want me to do some for you and Rora?”

  “Please.”

  I got two more mugs out and dumped tea bags in them. Luckily I’d filled the kettle, so I could do all four mugs. I leant against the counter whilst I waited for them to brew.

  “Where are our parents, anyway?” I asked, directing my question at Duke.

  “They left early, got to prepare for a big staff meeting today.”

  Cole trudged in then, giving us all the once over before seating himself at the kitchen island on one of the stools.

  “Tea?” I asked, grabbing another mug anyway.

  He grunted in response, laying his head on the counter.

  “What’s wrong with you?” Duke asked.

  “Didn’t you hear? He’s actually having to work hard now with his apprenticeship,” I said, grinning.

  Cole stuck a finger up at me. He’d been like this for the past few weeks since he started at the garage.

  “Aww, is manual labour kicking your arse, little bro?”

  “Just a bit,” Cole admitted.

  I finished all five cups of tea with milk and sugar for those who wanted it. I pushed two mugs towards Logan and took one over to Cole. Aurora chose that moment to walk in, looking perfectly put together as usual. She walked straight over to Logan who gave her a warm smile.

  “When you telling Daddy you’re moving out?” Duke asked, picking up his mug which I’d left by the kettle.

  Aurora huffed and leant against the counter next to her boyfriend.

  “Soon.”

  “Quinn’s going to hit the roof,” Cole said, picking himself up off the counter. “Not to mention Mum.

  “I’m an adult, they’ll have to deal with it.”

  We all knew Logan had asked Aurora to move in with him. Our parents didn’t. She was waiting for the right opportunity to tell them.

  “Mum’s not ready for me to leave. Doubt she’s going to be happy about you,” I said, sipping my tea.

  When I’d told her I wanted to move out into halls for university, she’d cried buckets. Dad had to comfort her for half an hour before she calmed down. He’d been fine about my decision. I think he understood I wanted to find myself since he was the only one other than Duke who knew what plagued me. I’d had a few more conversations with him about it over the summer. His advice about therapy still stood, but I wasn’t ready to take those steps. Wasn’t ready to admit defeat. I still held on to hope I could fix myself.

  You’re an idiot for thinking that. You can’t fix yourself. You’re too broken.

  I shoved my wayward thoughts away.

  “That’s why I’m not telling them yet.”

  I watched Logan’s eyes darken. Whilst Aurora had said he was fine with waiting, I wasn’t sure how true it was. He might be the only guy capable of dealing with my sister, but he still had a battle on his hands with her. Aurora liked to get her own way. Probably why they worked. He didn’t take shit off her.

  My phone buzzed in my pocket. I tugged it out, unable to help the smile on my face when I saw who it was from.

  Jonah: Just leaving to catch the train now. Miss you already.

  Raphi: Miss you too. Don’t forget to send me a train selfie.

  I got a winking face back.

  “You should tell them, Rora,” I said, still staring down at my phone. “Take the heat off me since I’m moving out tomorrow. Reckon Mum’s going to be crying for days.”

  When I looked up, my sister was giving me evils, but my brothers and Logan were smirking, their eyes full of amusement.

  “Don’t know why you’re laughing. You lot are going to have to deal with her whilst I’ll be living it up in halls.”

  I slid my phone back in my pocket, watching my brothers’ faces fall. I doubted I’d do too much living it up, but I did plan on having fun during freshers’ week. Jonah kept telling me I should have a proper university experience. I was going to try to. I’d be away from home and could do what I wanted without my parents watching my every move for the first time in my life.

  “Shit. She’s going to be a nightmare,” Duke complained, rubbing his face.

  “Our dads can deal with her,
” Cole muttered. “I’m too fucking tired for that.”

  I smiled. As much as I was looking forward to going to university, I was going to miss my family. They might be a crazy bunch, but they were everything to me all the same. Being away from them was going to take a lot of getting used to, but I was ready for it.

  What I wasn’t ready for was being without Jonah and how it would break me down piece by piece. And how that would push both of us over the edge.

  I wasn’t ready for it at all.

  Chapter Thirty Three

  Unlocking the front door, I hauled my suitcases into the house I shared with Robin and Damien. They’d both stayed here over the summer. I’d come back early as I had a lot of shit to catch up on. Most of my time had been spent working at the care home and with Raphi, so I was behind. It didn’t bother me since being with him was worth every moment. Every day I was in his presence, I fell deeper in love with the boy who’d stolen my heart three years ago and had kept it with him ever since.

  I took my suitcases up to my room and set them down before trudging back downstairs into the living room. Both Damien and Robin were in there, although they were sitting at opposite ends of the room since they weren’t particularly big fans of each other.

  “Hey, man,” Robin said, giving me a lopsided grin.

  “How’re things?” I asked as I slumped down on the sofa.

  “Good. You enjoyed your time down south?”

  I shrugged and tried not to smile too hard.

  “Yeah, it was good.”

  “Good? Looks like it was way better than just good.”

  I glanced at Damien who was eying Robin with contempt. The three of us had ended up getting a place together out of ease as opposed to anything else. It was like Raphi said, I only had a year left then I could go back to London. It reminded me I was meant to text him to say I’d got here. I pulled out my phone.

  “I had a nice time with Mer is all.”

  Jonah: Got here okay. You all packed for tomorrow?

  Raphi’s parents were helping him move into student halls tomorrow. He’d been looking forward to it. As much as he loved his family, he wanted his own space. In a lot of ways, he needed to find himself. This gave him the opportunity to do so.