Our Darkest Scar

by Sarah Bailey

  Jonah: My ideas are amazing, not ridiculous.

  Raphi: You keep telling yourself that.

  Jonah: I think you love my idea really. You’d look cute with a gold star on your coat.

  I just about died. He still thought I was cute.

  Why are you the most adorable person in the world, J? I love that about you.

  Raphi: Well, if you really want to get me a gold star, I won’t complain.

  Jonah: You’ll just have to wait and see!

  “I’d prefer it if you waited a while before any engagements or weddings, monkey. As much as I love Rora, this wedding has caused us all a fucking headache. Why she had to choose a man whose family is in the public eye is beyond me sometimes.”

  Rory and I shared a look. Quinn might say he was okay with Aurora and Logan’s relationship, but I didn’t think he’d ever really approve of it.

  “Don’t worry, I have no plans to spring an engagement on the man I’m not even in a relationship with yet, Quinn,” I said to reassure him there were no more weddings on the horizon quite yet.

  “Good, because your mother is exhausting all of us with this wedding and Cole coming home, so you on top of that would be the last straw.”

  And with that, he walked out of the kitchen leaving me staring after him.

  “I swear to god he loves to have the last word at all times,” I muttered.

  “He doesn’t get it very often with Ash. He likes to take advantage of it with everyone else,” Rory said with a grin.

  “Don’t I know it!” I adjusted my glasses. “Did Dad make dessert?”

  “Maybe he did.”

  I hastily made my way over to the fridge and peered inside. There sat the dessert to end all desserts. Dad’s cheesecake. He had made it for Mum’s birthday a few weeks ago, but the fact he’d produced one now made me smile wider.

  “No offence to the rest of you, but he’s my favourite for this.”

  Rory chuckled as I took it out of the fridge and started getting plates out of the cupboard. He knew I was only joking. I didn’t play favourites with our parents.

  As Rory and I took it into the dining room, I couldn’t help feeling like I’d won a huge battle here. Even if Jonah didn’t know it yet, I’d conquered my fear of telling my parents the truth about him. I couldn’t wait to show him how far I’d come if and when he was ready to give us a shot.

  Chapter Forty Eight

  After Raphi took me out on our afternoon adventure which involved sightseeing I’d not done in forever, and me buying him a gold star as a joke, the next three weeks went by in the blink of the eye. We’d been out a total of eight times since he’d come back into my life. We’d laugh, have fun with each other, talk about what we’d done over the years and enjoy each other’s company. At the end of each night, the same thing would happen. He walked me up to my door. We’d stand staring at each other for a time. Then he’d kiss me on the cheek and wish me goodnight. Whilst I appreciated him being so gentlemanly and we’d agreed to be friends, it was driving me absolutely insane.

  I didn’t want him to kiss me on the cheek. I didn’t want him to wish me goodnight. No, I wanted Raphi to kiss me like he meant it, push me inside my flat and give it to me the way I craved. He’d told me if I wanted more, I had to say it. I had to ask for it. Every time I tried, I got all tongue-tied instead. It was ridiculous, but I was scared.

  Was it too soon?

  Did we still need to spend more time getting to know each other again?

  Did he even want to have a relationship with me?

  I had no idea. When I’d asked him if he wanted to date me the day I’d gone over to his house, he’d told me it wasn’t about him. I needed him to tell me what he wanted. How else could I know if we were on the same page or not?

  You’re being a coward, you know that right?

  Apparently, my fears were getting the better of me. I didn’t know how to fix it. Raphi and I had always attempted to be honest with each other and here I was holding back.

  “Why do you look so fucking miserable, J? Are things not going well with lover boy?”

  I looked up from where I was sat at the kitchen table going over some patient notes. Meredith was watching TV with her feet up on the coffee table. Something she knew I hated her doing but had given up on complaining about.

  “He’s not my lover boy. We’re not… we’re just friends.”

  “Friends.” She did double air quotes with her fingers. “Yeah okay, friends who clearly are in love with each other and won’t say it to each other’s faces.”

  “He doesn’t love me, does he?”

  She shook her head and rolled her eyes.

  “Oh my god, Jonah. Would you open your fucking eyes? The man has taken you out several times and made every effort to make sure you have a good time together. You two are dating in case you hadn’t noticed whether he kisses you at the end of the night or not. And here I thought I was shit at reading men, but you are the absolute worst.”

  My sister did not mince words with me. I kind of deserved it since I kept questioning everything to do with me and Raphi. She was the one on the receiving end of my endless fucking indecisiveness about what I was going to do.

  “You don’t have to be so mean about it.”

  “And you need to tell him how you feel. How many more times do we have to have this conversation? Talk to him. It’s not hard to have an adult discussion about the state of your relationship, you know. For a psychologist, you really are shit at dealing with your own love life.”

  I ignored her comment and looked at my laptop again. She was right. I needed to get my act together.

  “What if he doesn’t want to get back together? What if he’s doing this because he just wants to make up for everything he did to me?”

  “Then he doesn’t and you move on. And you know as well as I do, that’s not what he’s doing so stop asking stupid questions.”

  “Move on like you’ve moved on from his brother?”

  She gave me a death stare.

  “Shut. Up.”

  “Hey, I’m not judging. Just like I never got closure, neither have you.”

  She went back to staring at the TV. I’d hit a nerve and it wasn’t fair, but she was giving me way too much shit over Raphi. I couldn’t help it. He was the only person I’d loved. Who I wanted forever with. I didn’t want closure with him. No, my heart was set on marriage and a family with Raphi. Maybe it was stupid for me to wish for those things when he’d given me no real indication he wanted that with me.

  When I told Meredith what happened the night I’d gone over to Raphi’s, she’d smiled and told me it was a good thing. I could start to heal from the wounds Raphi had inflicted on me. The more time that went by, the more I became sure of what I wanted. Him. I’d told her my heart wanted what it wanted. It wanted Raphi and it wanted him for the rest of our lives. I had to stop being a big fucking coward and be honest with him.

  “Is Raphi going to Rhys and Aaron’s wedding?”

  It was tomorrow and I realised I’d never asked Raphi about it.

  “No, he’s got some public consultation event for work he can’t get out of.”

  Meredith had asked me to be her plus one. I was more than happy to go with her since I liked her best friend and his husband-to-be. Their love story had inspired my sister.

  “Okay.”

  I’d kind of hoped he’d be there, but it didn’t matter. He’d let me know when he wanted to take me out again.

  “Look, J, I’m pretty sure Raphi wants you too.”

  “Did he say something to you?”

  “If he had, I wouldn’t tell you. You warned me not to meddle. This is me, not meddling and telling you to talk to him.”

  She clearly knew how he felt about me, but I didn’t blame her for not divulging. I had told her not to meddle because I was going to do this in my own time. Meredith had tried to continually matchmake for me over the years and
I was fed up with it.

  “You do still love him, right?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then your answer is right there. Trust in love.”

  I didn’t know if I did yet or not. It was hard to trust in something which had burnt you so badly before. Trust the person who hurt you and hope they wouldn’t do it again.

  Making a decision, I pulled out my phone and fired off a message to Raphi.

  Jonah: Would it be okay if I came over after Rhys’ wedding tomorrow night?

  I wanted to see him, and maybe I could actually have the conversation about what we were. I wasn’t going to make myself any promises, but the thought of seeing him made me feel warm inside.

  Raphi: Yes, I won’t be home until like eight so would have to be after then. Meredith mentioned you were her plus one.

  He hadn’t even questioned it. He was always the one initiating us seeing each other and never leaving me guessing. I hoped he was happy I’d asked to see him.

  Would you quit overthinking this? You’re going to give yourself a headache.

  Jonah: She would never forgive me if I didn’t go.

  Raphi: As if you would ever say no to your sister.

  Jonah: Do you say no to yours?

  Raphi: All the time. Aurora is the worst. Especially right now with the wedding coming up.

  Meredith had mentioned Raphi’s sister was getting married a while back.

  Jonah: Everyone is getting married it seems.

  Raphi: Don’t remind me. Wedding mania has taken over my family and it’s exhausting. I don’t blame Logan for taking so long to ask Aurora. It seems like a lot of effort for just one day.

  What he said didn’t make it seem like Raphi was keen on the wedding thing. Why did it make my heart sink?

  Jonah: Oh? How long were they together before he popped the question?

  Raphi: Over five years. Personally, I think Logan was too scared to ask Quinn for Aurora’s hand.

  Raphi had mentioned Quinn didn’t approve of Aurora’s choice in partner when we were together. Having spent a little time with his parents, I could readily understand why. Quinn seemed incredibly protective of his family. Raphi said no one would be good enough for Aurora in her father’s eyes.

  Jonah: Wow, I wouldn’t want anyone to wait that long to ask me. It’s kind of outdated to be asking someone’s dad for his daughter’s hand as well.

  Raphi: I’ll keep that in mind.

  What the fuck does that mean?

  Jonah: You planning on asking someone to marry you?

  Raphi: Not currently, but you never know.

  Did he have any idea what he was doing right now? Confusing the fuck out of me and making me wonder what he wanted to happen between the two of us.

  That’s unfair. He has no idea how you feel. You haven’t told him.

  Raphi: You say it’s outdated, but if Logan hadn’t asked Quinn, there’d have been hell to pay. Though, it was bad enough when he did. The word trainwreck comes to mind.

  I was sort of glad he’d moved on from what he’d said since I had no idea how to respond to it.

  Jonah: Doesn’t surprise me, knowing your crazy overprotective family.

  Raphi: Not quite as bad as Duke’s scandalous exploits but I’ll tell you about those another time. My parents have dealt with a lot from the four of us over the years.

  Jonah: Isn’t it our job to drive our parents crazy?

  Raphi: True. I suppose that no longer applies to you.

  It didn’t. I hadn’t seen or spoken to my mother in years. Not since Meredith graduated university and the two of us moved out. I wasn’t like my sister who’d found a surrogate family. I only had her and it was okay with me to an extent. Maybe it was why I wanted to create a family of my own.

  I’d always known I couldn’t have one in the most traditional of ways. It’s why I never cared if I had biological children. There were too many kids out there who needed loving families. For me, adoption would be my first choice. I had no idea if I was to get back together with Raphi whether or not he’d want that too. It was a conversation for the future. When I’d stopped being too scared to admit I wanted us to be together again.

  Jonah: No, but it’s like I said to you, I’m better off without her in my life. Sometimes you have to know when something is a lost cause.

  I hoped he didn’t think I meant me and him. I almost sent him another message but decided against it. Raphi wouldn’t read into it.

  Raphi: You’re right. Duke is here so I have to go. I’ll see you tomorrow.

  It shouldn’t feel like a dismissal but kind of did. Like maybe I was wrong about him reading into what I’d said.

  Cut it out. You are your own worst enemy, you know that?

  He’d told me he was seeing his brother tonight. He’d invited me to come along. I’d declined as I had paperwork to catch up on. He’d also asked me if I wanted to go to dinner at his parents’ house at some point. Raphi said they’d love to see me. I was beginning to think maybe I was being a bit stupid. And maybe Raphi did want to be with me. And maybe he was just waiting for me to say something.

  Your terms and at your pace, remember? He set the pace last time. He’s waiting for you to ask him for more.

  I clearly had to stop being so scared. The only question which remained was did I believe in love enough to push past that fear? Did I believe in me and him enough to ask for what I wanted?

  I guess I had to find out.

  Chapter Forty Nine

  Ever since the night when Jonah had turned up on my doorstep, I’d been taking him out and trying to show him I wanted us to be together. The whole situation was frustrating me and my patience had begun to wear thin. It’d become clear to me, Jonah wanted more but he hadn’t said it yet. He hadn’t voiced his feelings out loud. I needed him to. The more time I spent around him, taking him out, giving him all my attention and learning about him all over again, the surer I became about wanting to make him mine for good this time.

  I didn’t want to only be his boyfriend, I wanted to be his everything. The future I had mapped out in my head for the two of us was so clear. Us together. Him moving into my place. The two of us getting married and maybe having a family. Fuck knows my mother would love grandchildren. She’d worry over them, of course, but she’d love them to death. All of my parents would, but especially Mum.

  It was crazy to think I was dead set on these things with Jonah when we weren’t even back together yet. I’d been in love with him for almost ten years. I couldn’t think of anyone else I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

  I’d given him my word I would be okay with what he wanted. I had to have patience and let him go at his own pace. I imagined this was how he felt when I was all over the place about our relationship before. It made me all the more aware of what I’d put him through. And how I never wanted to cause him pain again. Now I would nurture and care for him. Show him how precious he was to me. How I’d fought so hard to be a man who could deserve someone like Jonah. No, not someone like him, just him. I wanted to deserve him. And now I felt as though I’d reached a point in my life where I did. I deserved to be happy with him. If he let me.

  Fuck, I hope he’ll let me.

  Duke had given me a whole load more shit over it yesterday. Like asking yet again why I didn’t just tell Jonah I wanted him and make my intentions clear. I didn’t want Jonah to think he was under any obligation. If he wanted to be with me after everything that had happened between us, then it had to be his choice. I didn’t want my feelings coming into it.

  Maybe I was more like my younger brother than I realised. He’d always told me he wanted Meredith to make her own choices without his influence. Probably why I’d given him her address a week ago right before he’d flown home. He wanted to be with her so badly, he was willing to do anything to make it happen. I just hoped him and our parents sorted out the mess he’d gotten into with the Russian mafia. The less I thought abou
t that fucked up situation, the better.

  I’d made peace with my parents’ past a long time ago. And wasn’t surprised when it came back to bite them either. Out of the four of us, the fact it had fallen on Cole was kind of par for the course given how impulsive and cocky he’d always been. Sometimes I wondered where he’d got all that confidence from considering Rory was the quietest of our dads. Probably from Mum. Dad said she had an impulsive streak which is what led to the formation of her relationship with my dads in the first place.

  The doorbell rang, making my nerves prickle. Last night was the first time Jonah had asked to see me. I’d been nervous about what he might have to say when he got here. I was also shattered from a long day at work. The consultation this evening had gone on way longer than I expected. It was lucky Jonah had stayed at the wedding later since we never specified a time.

  When I opened the door to find him in a suit as he’d come straight from the wedding, my mouth went very dry. I felt completely underdressed since I’d changed into comfortable clothes when I’d got in. Jonah looked fucking hot. I had to clench my fist to prevent my impulse to tell him exactly that. His suit was navy, complete with a waistcoat and he had a grey tie on. Sure, I’d found other guys attractive before, but no one measured up to Jonah for me. No one had ever looked so damn good in my eyes.

  “Hey, come in.”

  I stepped back and allowed him into my house. The last time he’d been on my doorstep, he’d grabbed me and kissed me. This time he just looked plain scared. I didn’t know how to feel about it.

  What did he have to be scared about?

  “You want a drink or something?” I asked, shutting the door behind us.

  “Just water. Had enough to drink at the wedding.”

  It sucked I hadn’t been able to go since I knew Rhys reasonably well, what with him being Meredith’s best friend. We’d spent a lot of time together over the years and since his new husband had arrived on the scene, we’d only gotten closer as a group.

  Jonah followed me down the hall into the kitchen.