Soul Man

by Shari Hearn

“Oh yes, the deputy threw Redneck’s butt in jail for a couple of hours. He certainly knows how to handle business. But I guess you already knew that.”

  Gertie tried, but failed, to suppress a snort.

  A woman who’d just taken her place in line called to Midge to join her. “My sister’s here. See you two later. You too, Miss Fortune.”

  As soon as she left, Gertie let out a laugh. “I hope Midge’s business wasn’t the only thing Carter was taking care of.”

  Ida Belle filled her mug with coffee. “He finally stayed the night at your place. We want details. Was Merlin upset?”

  Gertie stared at her. “He spent the night for the first time at her place and you want to know about the cat?”

  “I’m building up,” Ida Belle said. “You don’t ask a woman straight out about the night she just had with a man.”

  “The hell you don’t,” Gertie said. She looked at me. “Marge always complained the bed in the guest room squeaked when her Aunt Daisy and Uncle Calvin came to visit. I always thought she exaggerated about that bed. So... did it squeak a lot?”

  “Can we talk about something else?” I asked, feeling my face heating up. “Maybe I can have a little privacy?”

  Gertie tapped the armrest of her chair. “I’ll share details of my last encounter with a man.”

  “She doesn’t want to hear stories of the Jurassic Period,” Ida Belle said.

  “I don’t want to hear stories of any period.” I glanced toward the end of the line as another group of women arrived with their lawn chairs. “This medium must be popular.”

  “You’ve never seen her show?” Gertie asked. “I Tivo’d every episode. We’ll have a marathon someday.”

  I looked at Ida Belle. “Do I have to?”

  She shook her head. “Every episode is pretty much the same. The medium asks if the spirit has any words for their loved ones. The spirit usually assures the loved one they’re okay and the grieving relative shouldn’t feel guilty about anything.”

  “And, there’s a baby on the way,” Gertie added. “You forgot that episode. The one where that lady’s grandmother said she was going to have an addition to the family. Two weeks later the Size Large Medium had an update on her show. The gal was pregnant.”

  Ida Belle sighed. “That gal was twenty-seven and newly married. Even I could have predicted she’d get pregnant.”

  Gertie gave a “why do I bother?” look upward and shook her head. “Yes, but the grandmother’s ghost also said her granddaughter’s new baby’s spirit would be that of her great Uncle Sam, who was reincarnating. You can’t make that stuff up.”

  Ida Belle raised her brows.

  “I don’t get it,” I said to Ida Belle. “If you’re skeptical, why are you here?”

  “I’m not skeptical of going somewhere else after I die. Call it Heaven, the afterlife, whatever. I’m just not sure this medium’s on the up-and-up. I have a list of deceased loved ones, including Marge, and some memories only they and I would know about. If the medium can come up with them, then maybe I feel she’s legit.”

  I spotted Marie parking her car in the lot. I was eager to be released from my duties. Ally had promised me a very special omelet at Francine’s, and I was starving. Since beginning my official relationship with Carter, I’ve found “cuddling” first thing in the morning really increases my appetite.

  “Marie just pulled in. Guess you won’t need me to save a spot for her on the bleachers after all.”

  Gertie touched my arm. “Are you sure you don’t want to stay?”

  “And be on TV? There’s still a price on my head, remember?” I whispered. Ten million dollars to be exact. If I were brought in alive, which is very much what Ahmad would want. Ten million is a drop in the bucket to a billionaire arms dealer who’d relish torturing me before killing me. “Besides, I didn’t sleep much last night. After breakfast, I’m going back to my hammock and take a nap.”

  Gertie snickered. “I bet you didn’t get much sleep.”

  I stared at Gertie for a moment, wondering whether to clarify that Marge, not Carter, had been the reason for my fitful sleep. My internal debate was interrupted by Marie calling our names as she approached us in line.

  “Things okay at City Hall?” Ida Belle asked. Marie had just discovered a week ago that the mayoral election results were incorrect, and that she, not Celia, had been the true winner.

  Marie nodded. “I thought I’d be there for hours, but the crew’s all set to repaint the senior center today, so they just needed my John Hancock on the check to cover supplies. In this heat, they wanted to begin early.” Marie turned to me. “Thanks so much for being ready to hold my place on the bleachers. I hope I didn’t interrupt your morning.”

  Before I could answer, Gertie leaned into her. “Carter had to leave Fortune’s house early anyway because Redneck DuVall paraded in his underwear again and upset Midge.”

  I rolled my eyes. I had now become the day’s gossip. Marie looked at me, and I thought she was going to burst out crying.

  “You and Carter are TOGETHER together. For real?”

  Again, before I could answer, Gertie said, “Where’ve you been? Half the town knows by now. She’s been staying some nights at Carter’s, but this was the first time he stayed at her house.”

  Marie placed a hand over her heart. “This is such good news. Marge would be so happy to know her great-niece is with such a wonderful man.”

  Marie was one of those who didn’t know my true identity. I looked forward to, and yet dreaded, the day I could let all my friends in Sinful know who I really was.

  She looked at Ida Belle. “I guess you didn’t have to try hard with her, did you?”

  “What do you mean?” I asked.

  “Well, your Aunt Marge made us all promise we would convince you to stay in Sinful. It was her dream that you live in her house and make your life here.”

  I looked from Gertie and then to Ida Belle. “I’ve heard you mention that before.”

  Gertie nodded. “Oh yeah. She made us swear to it.”

  Marie patted my arm. “You’re living your Aunt Marge’s dream.”

  “Yeah,” I said, nodding politely, though I knew that what she said was only partly true. I was living Marge’s dream all right, but it was a dream intended for someone else.

  Chapter Four

  MARGE

  MARGE FELT LIKE A KID at Christmas as she stood with her fellow Apparitions Anonymous group members and waited for Miss Mellette to finish with her list of “Do’s” and “Don’ts” regarding communication with the Size Large Medium.

  “From my observation, she ‘sees’ us internally. She tends to receive images better than words. So do visualize images that convey what you’re trying to say. Be sure to imagine yourself wearing items of clothing or jewelry your loved ones would recognize, to validate for the medium it’s you coming forward.” She gestured to her own outfit, a blue and yellow paisley dress with a matching yellow purse and yellow pumps. “I myself am wearing the dress most would remember me wearing to church.”

  Probably a dress Mr. Lemieux had fun unbuttoning after church.

  “I’m also adding the memory of a perfume I used to wear... to church.” Marge could swear Miss Mellette’s aura was blushing. The former teacher continued with her instructions. “As for ‘stepping forward,’ please do so in an orderly fashion. There will be no pushing and shoving or jostling for position. There’s nothing worse than a pushy ghost.” She held up a hat, the white frilly one she actually did wear to church. “Earlier I placed names on paper in my hat and drew the order in which ghosts will appear.”

  The other ghosts groaned.

  “I’m going first,” Headless said.

  She sighed and shook her head. “Your name wasn’t in the hat, Mr. Headless. You’re a pirate from the eighteen hundreds. You have no connection to Sinful.”

  “I founded Sinful.”

  She sighed again. “Just because your head was discovered on the banks of Sin
ful Bayou by the first settlers does not mean you discovered Sinful.”

  “Aye it does,” Headless said. “When one of the landlubbers discovered my eyes staring up at him, he yelled, ‘Lord Almighty, what a most Sinful discovery.’”

  Miss Mellette waved him off and addressed the other spirits. “As your leader, I’ll be first to step forward.” More groaning. “Followed by Marge, then Elder Sheriff Lee...”

  She recited more names, but Marge tuned them out. This was the day she’d been waiting for since passing four months ago. She had her speech prepared but hadn’t given any thought to symbols. Cough syrup was easy. Her beloved Jeep, another easy symbol. Bones, her dog, a snap. The tough part would be not allowing anything private to accidentally be communicated to the Size Large Medium, such as her feelings for Marie or the fact that Ida Belle, Gertie and she had been spies in Vietnam. Those things were still top secret, only known by a select few. And, God forbid, she couldn’t let out that Fortune was a CIA assassin-in-hiding.

  Miss Mellette interrupted Marge’s musings with a clap of her hands. “I feel the medium calling all spirits. Class, let’s do Sinful proud. Follow me.”

  In an instant, the spirits were standing together on the floor of the rec center basketball court. The big-haired, big-boned, glammed-out Size Large Medium held a microphone and addressed the crowd, explaining her process of calling for the spirits to join her. Marge spotted Ida Belle, Gertie and Marie seated in the front-row bleacher and put her fingers in her mouth for one of her signature whistles. Her friends didn’t hear it, but the way the medium jammed her fingers in her ear, she sure did.

  Miss Mellette glared at the members of the group as they began calling out to friends and family members. The role of teacher had never left her. “Class. Calm yourselves.”

  Unfortunately, they weren’t the only spirits who made the trip today. Other ghosts began appearing, such as Baby Face Martin, a former local gangster from the forties. And Father Benedict, the priest at the Catholic church who died six years prior. And Gloria Dubois, one of the founding members of The God’s Wives, Celia’s answer to the Sinful Ladies Society.

  Gloria stepped toward the Size Large Medium. “I’m Gloria Dubois and I’d like to say ‘hi’ to Celia Arceneaux.”

  “Oh hell no!” Marge shouted. “Gloria, you get your bony behind in line. We were here first.”

  “Marge, decorum please,” Miss Mellette said.

  Elder Sheriff Lee stepped around Miss Mellette. “Stuff your decorum!” He shook his fist at Gloria. “We was here first!”

  “I’m here to talk to Gertie, Ida Belle and Marie!” Marge yelled, visualizing her Jeep.

  The medium placed her fingers on her temples. “Does someone here have a connection to a departed loved one who drove a Jeep?”

  Several audience members nodded and agreed verbally.

  Gertie leapt up from the bleacher. “Marge! Marge did!” She looked down at Ida Belle and Marie. “She’s here. Marge is here.”

  The medium placed a finger to her temple. “Wearing a T-shirt with ‘Don’t be a dumbbass?’”

  Marie leapt up and joined Gertie. “I bought Marge that T-shirt for Christmas!”

  “Stop being so pushy, Marge Boudreaux!” Gloria yelled.

  The medium held her hand to her forehead. “I’m getting the image of a magnolia.”

  Marge glared at Gloria, whose overbearing magnolia perfume would always arrive in a room minutes before she did.

  Celia stood from her seat in the second row. “Gloria Dubois loved magnolias. She grew them and made her own perfumes and wreathes. We were best friends. Hi, Gloria!”

  Gertie glared at Celia. “Would you sit down? Marge and I were about to have a conversation.”

  “That was Gloria who showed up,” Celia said.

  Gertie’s eyes narrowed. “The medium saw a Jeep. Marge drove a Jeep.”

  “And don’t forget the T-shirt,” Marie added.

  Celia slapped her hands on her hips. “In case you don’t remember, Gloria Dubois also drove a Jeep.”

  Now Ida Belle stood. “That wasn’t a Jeep. That was an ugly Volkswagen Thing. Baby-poop yellow.”

  Soon other spirits were tossing in their information and names.

  “Who here knows someone wearing a star and riding a mule?” the Size Large Medium asked.

  “My granddaddy, the elder Sheriff Lee!” Robert E. Lee III shouted from the back of the bleachers.

  Marge tossed out the image of the SLS cough syrup.

  Other Sinful spirits shouted out their messages, vying for the medium’s attention. Miss Mellette tried her hardest to restore order but was outshouted.

  “Wait! Wait!” the medium called out, quieting the gathered spirits. “I’m hearing another voice. A new voice. I’m getting the feeling of being lost. Now there’s a pain in my upper back.” She closed her eyes and listened. After a few seconds, her eyes opened wide and she said, “‘Where am I? How did I get here?’ That’s what I’m hearing.”

  Marge heard those words as well and followed the voice to the doorway of the rec center. A spirit dressed in jeans and a T-shirt walked toward the stands.

  “What’s everyone doing here?” asked the new ghost.

  Marge took a closer look and realized she knew him. A dead ringer for Sean Connery, they had moved in the same hunting and fishing circles. “Cootie? Cootie Bates?”

  The Size Large Medium spoke into the microphone. “I’m hearing a name like Coot. Yes, Coot. Does that mean anything to anyone?”

  “Ya think?” Ida Belle said. “Half of Sinful is filled with old coots.”

  “Coot,” the medium said again. “I’m trying to read the name on his shirt. Begins with Coot?”

  “Cootie?” Dan, another former hunting buddy of Marge’s, stood from his seat at the end of the third row.

  “Yes!” the Size Large Medium exclaimed. “Cootie.”

  “There’s a Cootie Bates, but he ain’t dead yet,” Dan said. “I had a few beers with him last night.”

  Bill Martin nodded. “He’s fishing right now at Glass Eye Lake.”

  “Dead?” Cootie said. “What the hell are you guys talking about?” Cootie stood next to Dan and asked, “What’s she talking about, Dan? I was in my boat and the next thing you know I was in this tunnel. It was all bright and shit. Hurt my eyes. I clawed myself outta there and then found myself wandering around town and now I’m here. What the hell? I haven’t even cracked open one beer yet today.”

  “Sir,” the medium said to Dan, “I don’t see him the way I see you, but in my mind’s eye I can see him standing right next to you.”

  “This is BS,” Dan said. “Cootie’s not dead.”

  “You keep sayin’ the word ‘dead’ and it’s freakin’ me out,” Cootie said. “This is some joke, right? Someone spiked my coffee and brought me here.”

  Several people in the stands shook their heads, murmuring how they’d just talked to Cootie yesterday.

  Dan dug his phone from his pocket. “I’ll give him a call right now, lady, to prove you wrong.”

  Dan punched in Cootie’s number and waited. And waited. And waited. The audience grew restless. Dan finally spoke into the phone. “Hey, Cootie, this is Dan. You’re probably fishing, but when you get this message, give me a call.” He shoved his phone back in his pocket. “He didn’t answer. I wouldn’t either if I was fishing.”

  “Oh dear,” Miss Mellette said. “Looks like we have a new group member.”

  Cootie looked at Marge’s group and screamed. “Ghosts!” He looked back at Dan. “There’s a mess of dead people over there!” He looked back at the spirits. “What the hell? Marge Boudreaux?” He turned back to Dan. “It’s Marge Boudreaux. And...” He took another peek. “The Elder Sheriff Lee? And... Miss Mellette. You were my sister’s home ec teacher. Hey, everyone, I’m seeing ghosts!”

  Cootie waved his arms to get the living people’s attention. “Why can’t anyone hear me when I’m talking?”

  “I�
��m picking up a lot of confusion,” the Size Large Medium said into the microphone.

  The medium was interrupted by one of her assistants who rushed on stage and whispered into her ear. She nodded and looked at the people in the stands. “I’m so sorry, but I’ve just been informed Tropical Storm Hank has changed course and the flight I was going to take out of New Orleans has been canceled, so I’m going to have to leave to make an earlier flight out of Houston. Please accept my apologies. We’ll try to reschedule at a later date.”

  She rushed away to the groans of the audience.

  Ida Belle threw up her hands. “She’s a fake. Got caught in a lie and had to run.”

  “Will somebody please tell me what’s going on here?” Cootie asked. “Why can’t you all hear me, and why am I seeing ghosts?”

  Marge sighed. “Cootie, you’re not seeing ghosts. You ARE a ghost.”

  His jaw dropped. “What?”

  Miss Mellette stepped forward. “Mr. Bates, I regret to inform you that you’re dead.”

  Chapter Five

  BUSINESS HAD BEEN LIGHT at Francine’s all morning. I’d braced myself for the young mommy stroller crowd, which usually arrived at eight, but even they had opted to attend the filming of The Size Large Medium.

  After the last customer paid his bill, Ally came and sat at my table with a cup of coffee. “So how was Carter’s first stay at your place?”

  “Let me just say another toothbrush has been added to the holder.”

  She sighed. “I couldn’t be happier and more jealous.”

  I patted her arm. “You’ll find the right guy.”

  “I hope so. The last time I got hit on was yesterday when old Cootie Bates patted my behind.”

  “Okay, I don’t know who that is, but I would imagine any guy with the name of Cootie is not dating material.”

  Ally laughed. “Cootie’s definitely dating material, if you’re over sixty-five and think a night at the Swamp Bar is your dream date.” Ally chewed her bottom lip. There was something on her mind.

  “I hope you don’t mind me asking this, but...” She bit her lip again. “Have you given any thought to my question yesterday?”