Let it Snow

by Suzan Butler, Emily Ryan-Davis, Cari Quinn, Vivienne Westlake, Sadie Haller, Holley Trent

  "That's what I like to hear. Are you up for a little exploring?"

  "Depends. What kind of exploring?"

  "Mostly talking, but there'll be a little touching. Your safewords are still in play and work for everything. Okay?"

  Butterflies attacked her stomach with a vengeance and she had to concentrate on not letting them take over. "I think so. What kind of talking, and what kind of touching?"

  "I want to talk to you about boundaries, limits, wants, and needs. As for touching, I can't touch you anywhere or in any way that is sexual, but you can touch me anywhere and any way you want, and I'll keep my hands at my sides."

  "I don't know..."

  "About what? The talking, the touching, or both?"

  "The touching part mostly, but I'm kind of nervous about the talking part too."

  "Like I said, safewords apply. You've used them and they've worked so far, but it's up to you."

  "I think I might be okay with the talking part."

  "What are your safewords?"

  "Yellow for I need something to change, or I need a minute, and red to bail."

  "Good. It's no secret that you are submissive and I know there was a time when you physically participated in BDSM activities. If you felt safe, and had the opportunity, do you think you would like to dip your toe back in the BDSM pond?"

  Mac took her time gathering her thoughts. This had to be one of the last questions she expected to be asked, but strangely, one that had been at the front of her mind for quite some time. "Yeah, I think so."

  "Brave girl. The next question is a follow up on the last. What do you think would make you feel safe enough to try?"

  In theory, this was easy. In practice, Mac wasn't so sure. "Sully would have to be there, no nudity, and no restraints."

  Finn gave a slight chuckle. "You've given this a little thought."

  "Yeah. Truth is, I still want it, but it scares me, so I've been living vicariously through Sully and the internet."

  "Not very rewarding, is it?"

  Mac shook her head. "No. Sully's been telling me for years that I've been letting the bastard win by letting his actions impose limits on my life. I know he's right, but it's only recently I've felt ready to try."

  "Bonus question. Do you think you'd feel safe enough to try with me?"

  "Maybe. When do I get to ask a question?"

  "Okay, it's your turn to ask questions."

  Mac's head was full of them, and almost every one pertained to her fear of not being enough, in some capacity or another. "Would you walk away from me if it turns out I can't play?"

  "Remember earlier, we were talking about accepting people for who they are? Well, this is part of it. I want to exchange check-lists later, and when we do, I'm sure there will be things that are a hard limit for you that I enjoy. I'm also sure, there are going to be lots of things on that check-list that we both enjoy. I'm not willing to throw away an otherwise great relationship because of a few incompatibilities. I wouldn't worry about not being able to play. You may never be able to play in the way you used to, but there are plenty of ways to play."

  "What if I can never have sex again?"

  "Honey, let's not borrow trouble. Yes, you've got some issues that are complicating to a relationship. But I'm willing to put in whatever work is necessary to give you and me a real shot. It won't be easy, but I need to know you aren't going to run away when things get tough too."

  "It's scary."

  "I know, but sometimes the worthwhile things are. So, wanna go steady?"

  Mac shot him a cheeky grin. "Do I get to wear your class ring?"

  "Something like that."

  There was something in the way he said it that made Mac suspect he was talking about a collar, so she decided to press. "Care to elaborate?"

  "You'll get it when your ready for it."

  Mac felt almost certain Finn meant a collar, and the idea excited her. "Okay, I'll go steady with you."

  "You know that means kissing."

  "I should hope so."

  "I want to try something. This is a great position for snuggling, but for kissing? Not so much. Could you try lying on top of me?"

  "Okay."

  They shifted so Finn was lying on his back on the sofa with Mac on top, enfolded in Finn's arms. Before she'd even realised she was hyper-ventilating, Finn had shifted them to their sides with him positioned against the back of the sofa, leaving Mac an unobstructed escape route.

  "Fuck, fuck, fuck." Mac buried her head beneath her arm as mortification branded her cheeks. She couldn't even lay on top of a guy without losing it. What kind of future could they possibly have?

  "Hey, it's okay." Finn stroked up and down her arm. "You gave it a try. That's the worst part, you know. That first time you try something that scares you witless. You're dealing with some big shit. I know it's going to get in the way more often than not, and we'll deal with it all as it comes. Can you look at me?"

  "No."

  "Why not?"

  "Because I'm too embarrassed."

  "I don't know what you've got to be embarrassed about. I asked you to try something, and you did exactly what I asked. That's nothing to be embarrassed about. When a sub safewords after trying something, but it's too much, do you think that sub should feel embarrassed?"

  "Of course not."

  "Okay, let's look at what just happened as if it were a scene. We tried something you were unsure of, and as your Dom, I noticed you had a problem and called the scene before you had a chance to safeword. Do you think that you, as the sub, should feel embarrassed?"

  Mac latched onto the words, your Dom, and felt a warm glow deep in her belly. Then she remembered he'd asked a question. "No."

  "Remember when you asked me about what if you can't play, and I said there were all kinds of ways to play. While I didn't mean it to be, for all intents and purposes, that was a scene. And it was successful. Your Dom asked you to try something, and you did. Can you please look at me now?"

  Mac rubbed her face on her sleeve, erasing the tears before she shifted and caught Finn's gaze.

  He trailed a finger down her face. "Thank you for trying. That was a big, scary step and I'm proud of you."

  Mac gave him an uncertain smile, unprepared for the comfort his words provided.

  "So, is lying on top of me a soft or hard limit?"

  She closed her eyes and let herself relive the feeling for a moment. Scary, but not crippling. "Soft limit."

  "Good. When you fill in your check-list, you will add lying on top of me to your soft limits."

  Mac nodded, and feeling bold, asked, "Can I sleep here tonight? Like we did last night?"

  "Of course you can. We're going steady. But are you sure?"

  "I want to try. I was fine last night and I want to see if I'll be fine again."

  "Alright, but sweetie, you need to know that just being near you makes me hard, and while I try to keep my erection from touching you, I can't guarantee it while we're sleeping."

  "I understand, and I did notice. Please don't any more. I'm not saying rub yourself on me every chance you get, for now anyway, but don't censor yourself. Not with actions, or words. I don't want you to tiptoe around my issues. I would rather deal with a bad reaction than miss out on any more life."

  "You got it. Wanna go to bed now?" Finn waggled his eyebrows, making Mac giggle.

  "Yeah, but I had better call Sully first and let him know. He'll worry, otherwise."

  "You do that, and I'll go find you a t-shirt to sleep in and meet you upstairs.

  ***

  Finn was already in bed reading by the time Mac arrived. He looked up from his book when she tapped on the door frame. "Silly girl, we're going steady. That means you don't have to knock. There's a t-shirt there on the end of the bed for you. Before you go change, What did Mr. Worry-wart have to say?"

  "He called me a dirty stop-out."

  "Mmm, lucky me. I'm rather
partial to oboe playing dirty stop-outs. What else did he say?"

  "Nothing of note beyond calling me names."

  "You still okay?"

  "A little nervous, but I think so."

  "Good. Go get changed and come to bed. I grabbed your toothbrush from the guest bathroom and left it for you beside the sink"

  "Thanks." Mac picked up the t-shirt and trundled off to the bathroom.

  Finn gave up on his book. There was no way he could get his mind off the prospect of spending the night alone with her. It could end up anywhere between idyllic and disaster. He'd be thrilled if they ended up at any point on the idyllic side of that spectrum.

  Finn beamed at Mac as she inched her way back into the bedroom. "Welcome back." He flipped the covers down in invitation. Mac perched on the edge of the bed for a moment before laying on her back, so tense, she seemed ready to levitate. "Sweetie, you need to let your muscles go a little, or you're going to be awfully sore tomorrow. Can I massage your shoulders a bit?"

  "I don't know if this was such a good idea after all."

  "Whatever you need, baby. You have safewords. Give me a colour."

  "Yellow."

  "Okay, yellow. What do you need?

  "I don't know."

  "Yes, you do. Take a breath and think about it for a minute. What is the problem, and what needs to happen?"

  "I'm scared."

  "Do you need a minute for the scared feeling to go away, or do we need to change something?"

  "Dammit. I'm such a mess. I'm sorry, Finn. I should go home. I don't even know why I asked for this."

  "Yeah, you are a mess, but we can work with mess. You asked for this because it's what you want. I agreed because it's what I want and what you need. If you really need to go home, then call red. We agreed on safewords, and you've been very good with yellow. Going home because this is too much is exactly when you should use red. Are you still yellow, or are you red?"

  "I'm still yellow."

  "Good. Back to what we need to do to get you back to green."

  "I need a hug."

  "That's an easy fix." Finn gently gathered Mac into his side and wrapped his arms around her. You are so brave, do you know that?"

  "I don't feel brave. I feel like a flake."

  "Being brave is doing something when it's scary. You've done so many things that scare you in the last week. I bet more than you've done in the last five years. Am I right?"

  "Probably."

  "Do you want to fall asleep like this, or should we try spooning?"

  "That's a hard one."

  Finn groaned. "You're killing me. If you were any other sub, you'd be getting punished for teasing me with sexual innuendo, but in your case, I think it's a positive step forward. For now."

  Mac looked up at Finn's face and flashed him a cheeky grin. He smiled back and said, "Kiss me goodnight."

  She stretched up and gave him a firm kiss on the mouth and held it for a second before burrowing herself into his side.

  He caressed her cheek and said, "Thank you, love. I'll expect a good morning kiss upon waking. Sweet dreams, baby."

  "Goodnight, Finn. Thank you for being patient with me."

  "My pleasure. Now, sleep."

  Chapter Nine

  "Hi Mac, I just called to wish you luck for tonight."

  "Thanks, Sully. How are you feeling?"

  "Still fucking ouchy, but they keep insisting I will live. Some days, I'm not convinced."

  "Don't over-do it. Our deal has an expiry date. I only agreed to the Christmas schedule, not one concert more, and you are already into me for two, count 'em, two very large favours to be named later."

  "See, I knew you'd be reminding me at every opportunity. I'm almost sorry I called. So, enough with the small talk, how are things going with Finn? You've slept over every night this week."

  Mac smiled. "Things are going fine. He's so tolerant and patient. If I were him, I'd have dumped my ass before I'd even picked it up."

  "Stop getting down on yourself. I am so proud of you and how far you've come. You deserve good things, and I think Finn is one of them. Truth be told, I think he deserves you too. You're good people."

  "While I have you on the phone, can I ask a favour?"

  "Sure. Is this one of those to be named later favours I owe you?"

  "Nope, because I think you're going to like this one."

  "Lay it on me."

  "A few nights ago, Finn asked me if I'd be willing to try a scene if I felt safe and had the opportunity. I told him I would, but no nudity, no restraints, and you had to be there. I want to try before the play party on Sunday. Will you help?"

  "What does Finn say?"

  "I haven't talked to him about it. I wanted to talk to you first because I want it to be a surprise, but I don't know if that's really feasible."

  "You know I'll do whatever you need. I'll be honoured to help, but this isn't the kind of surprise you can spring on him. The three of us are going to have to have a long, detailed discussion about this. How about tomorrow over lunch. That should give you both time to be rested after tonight's concert, but provide plenty of time for us to figure it all out before you need to prepare for tomorrow night's gig."

  "Thanks, Sully."

  "You're welcome. Do you want to talk to Finn about this, or would you like me to do it."

  "I'll do it."

  "Good girl."

  "I'll let that slide."

  "Cheeky wench."

  "Sully?"

  "Yes, my sweet?"

  "Thank you for always being there. I don't think I would have survived without you."

  "You're welcome. Whatever you need, Mac. Always."

  "Okay, enough. I'm getting all soppy. I've gotta go, it's almost show time."

  "I'll see you at lunch tomorrow. I'll take a cab, so you don't need to worry about me when deciding where you'll be laying your head tonight."

  "Alright. I'll see you tomorrow."

  Mac turned around to see Finn and she gave him her biggest smile.

  "What are you up to? That's not the usual smile you have for me."

  "I wanted to wait until later, but I guess now is as good a time as any." Mac closed her eyes and let the words spill out as fast as she could. "I just got off the phone with Sully. I want a scene before Sunday's play party, and Sully has agreed to help. I wanted it to be a surprise, but Sully said it wasn't the kind of surprise one springs on you."

  "Sully was right. I appreciate the sentiment, Mac, but, do you think you're ready for this?"

  "I'm going to have to be ready some day, and Sunday is as good a day as any. Besides, it's not like you've haven't taken every opportunity to slip in a little D/s dynamic when you thought I wasn't looking."

  "Guilty as charged. Okay, we can give it a go, but first we'll have to discuss our check-lists. We can go over them tonight when we get home. Also, we'll have to get together to talk it through with Sully."

  "Already sorted. He's coming to lunch tomorrow. Oh shit. I really shouldn't have made plans for you and your house without checking. I'm sorry. Do you want me to call him back and reschedule?

  "Stop and take a breath. It's fine. Yes, you should probably check with me before booking me or my house, but if I had something planned for tomorrow, you'd have known it, so no harm done."

  Chapter Ten

  Finn woke Mac by peppering her face with tiny kisses. Once her eyes were open, he settled in for a long, deep kiss. "Good morning, baby. You had a quiet night last night."

  Mac's eyes lit up as she smiled. "I did. I'm a little surprised, considering I'm nervous about this afternoon."

  "We'll take it all really slow. You'll know exactly how the scene is going to go. No surprises and no pressure. I've got your hard limits branded in my brain, but we'll go over them again with Sully before we start.

  It occurred to me last night, we've never discussed your orgasms. You've slept here every night f
or a week. So, I know you haven't had any then, but have you been giving yourself orgasms when you are at your place?"

  "I've been responsible for my own orgasm pretty much my whole life, so, yes, I've been taking care of business when I get home."

  "That stops now. Regardless of whether or not we have sex, the only orgasms you get are the ones I let you have. Are we clear?"

  Mac scowled."What's the big deal? God only knows when, or even if I'm ever going to have sex again, so..."

  "Enough. Beyond the fact that I told you no, I do have a reason for denying you. How many orgasms do you give yourself a week, on average?"

  "I dunno, between three and five a day, so twenty-one to thirty-five a week?"

  "Do you ever go a day or more without?"

  "Rarely. Orgasms make me happy, so I may as well be happy every day."

  "I'm afraid you won't be getting that kind of happy for a while, sweetheart."

  "You can't be with me all day every day, so what's to stop me from giving myself orgasms when you aren't around?"

  "You know the answer to that, Mac. Do you trust me?"

  "Yeah, actually I do."

  "Do you trust me to make decisions that may not result in your immediate gratification?"

  "I think so."

  "Not good enough, Mac. If I'm your Dom, and let's face it, you said it yourself the other night, we've got some semblance of a D/s relationship, then your job as my sub is to obey me, or use your safeword."

  "You have a fair point. And yes, I do trust you. I'm just not happy that you're taking my orgasms away."

  "I'm not taking them away, I'm just deferring them. Don't worry, you'll get them back, and I think you will be much happier with them when you do."

  "I'm going to trust you on this, but if what you claim doesn't come to pass, you may want to be very cautious in everything you do, and you may need to sleep with one eye open."

  Finn chuckled. "I won't let you down, love. I promise."

  "So, um, how long will I be orgasmless, anyway?"

  "As long as I say you will. End of discussion."