by Tania Crosse
Kit blinked at her in mild surprise. ‘Yes. That’d be nice. Could be fun. But I must be off. Can’t be late.’
He walked briskly away, and Hillie watched him for a second or two before turning for home in the opposite direction. She couldn’t believe she’d just done that! But it had seemed perfectly natural, hadn’t it? And after all, if Jimmy insisted on being out so regularly, what could he expect? And it’d only be going out with friends.
But now, as she sat in the empty flat, Hillie wasn’t so sure and guilt flooded over her. Jimmy was working all hours God sent to provide for her and so that they could afford for her to look after her sisters for the pittance Harold paid her. On the other hand, she just felt so… empty was the only way she could describe it. And even more lonely without Frances to keep her company, hard work though she was. And then there was Kit. Hillie loved him like a brother, nothing more. Didn’t she? So what harm could there be in seeing him once in a while?
But try as she might, Hillie couldn’t reason herself out of her present mood. She picked up the newspaper she’d bought and flicked through it. Nothing much there. The unemployment situation. A bit about Germany and this chap, Adolf Hitler, who’d recently proclaimed himself Fuhrer and Chancellor. Some more warnings about the Nazi Party by the politician, Winston Churchill. And then there was an article about a spate of raids on jewellery shops in the area. Armed gangs or something.
Well, nothing that could be of any concern to her. Except the business with Germany, which Kit had said was a bit unsettling when they’d discussed it. So, what was on the radio? She turned it on. Nothing. Oh, blast. Jimmy was supposed to have taken in the discharged batteries and swapped them back for the recharged ones. But he’d either forgotten or not had time. And he didn’t like Hillie doing it because they were quite heavy and sometimes leaked acid. At least he was being gallant, Hillie supposed.
So, what could she do now? She stepped over to the window and gazed down on the street below. The day was beginning to fade, but it was too early for the street lamps to come on. The early September evening was still mild and inviting. Oh, she should have stayed at Gert’s house for a while, just as she’d been asked, rather than rushing out after Kit. What on earth had possessed her to chase after him like that?
Ah, Jimmy. If only he were there to cuddle her. Make her laugh. Reassure her that he was the only one for her and that their marriage was rock solid.
But – why on earth hadn’t she thought of it before? If Jimmy couldn’t be at home with her, there was nothing to stop her from going to him! OK, pubs were really a man’s domain. It was frowned upon for women to go in alone. She remembered how awkward she and Gert had felt that New Year’s Eve when they’d sidled in together. But maybe she could sit up at the bar near where Jimmy was working. He could explain to the customers who she was, and that’d make her feel more comfortable. She might even enjoy herself and meet some interesting people. Not everyone went to a pub just to get drunk!
She went to the mirror and took the pins out of her hair, letting it tumble down her back in a riot of curls. Should she have it cut? Not too short, but maybe shoulder length? It’d be more manageable and she wouldn’t need to scrape it back into a bun for the business of the day. It could make her more attractive. To Jimmy. To anyone. To… to Kit?
Angrily, she grasped her handbag and careered down the stairs, gasping at the dusty evening air and the smell of warm tarmac outside. She must get to Jimmy, to her husband, to make herself see sense. She raced along breathlessly, eventually turning down Falcon Road and passing the back entrance to the station with the row of sealed railway arches that acted as warehouses. They could be creepy at night, dark, dirty and faceless, but during the day were often a hive of activity. Under the succession of railway lines crossing above the road, then, the throaty rumble as a goods train clattered overhead, making the ground shake. By the time Hillie reached the corner of the street and entered the Falcon, she wondered quite what she’d been thinking of, letting her frustrations turn her towards dear, trusting Kit.
There weren’t so many customers, it being a weekday. A few eyes turned on her, looking her up and down, and she felt like fleeing back the way she’d come.
‘Hello, darling. Fancy a drink? Or maybe somefing else?’ some chap leered at her, and then chortled as he dug his mate in the ribs.
Well, Hillie wasn’t going to be cowed by them. ‘Not with the likes of you, chum!’ she retorted, and strode confidently up to the long, snaking, continuous bar with its polished wood and gleaming pump handles. She couldn’t see Jimmy, but it was a vast pub and he could easily be round the other side of the circular bar and hidden by its huge central service area.
‘Don’t mind them, miss,’ an older man in an apron greeted her from the opposite side of the bar. ‘All mouth and no trousers. Now, what can I get you?’
‘Oh, nothing at the moment, thank you. I’m looking for Jimmy. Is he around?’ Hillie enquired with relief. This fellow, the landlord she guessed, had put her at her ease.
‘Jimmy? What, Jimmy Baxter, d’you mean?’ The man’s face darkened. ‘Hasn’t worked here for months. I sent him packing. Caught him with his fingers in the till. Lucky I didn’t call in the coppers, he was. Not seen hide nor hair of him since, not that I ever want to. So what’s a nice girl like you want with him? If you’ll take my advice, don’t have anything to do with him. Oh, my, you’ve gone as white as a sheet. Not gone and left you up the duff, has he?’
The man, the bar, the sparkling mirrors swayed in front of Hillie’s eyes. She rocked on her feet, waiting for the grey veil of shock to lift, for her heart to sink back into its proper place. She swallowed hard, nearly choking, as her brain swam back and forth and finally started to function again.
‘No. No, nothing like that,’ she mumbled. ‘Thanks for your time.’
‘Not at all, miss. And you two can stop sniggering,’ he chastised as Hillie turned, blundering into the two customers before hurrying back outside, the ground waving up and down beneath her feet.
*
‘You’ve been lying to me, Jimmy!’ she challenged him, fury blazing in her eyes. ‘All these months, you’ve been lying! So if you haven’t been working at the pub, where have you been, eh? Working for that blackguard Jackson, I suppose, when you promised me—’
Jimmy wriggled his head on his neck, scarlet flushing up through his face in a rash. ‘We-ell, I was going to tell you. I was waiting for the right moment, that’s all. I knew you’d be upset—’
‘Upset? Upset!’ she yelled. ‘I’m not upset, I’m bloody livid! You betrayed me, lied and lied—’
‘Oh, come on, Hill. It’s not that bad. I’ve only been doing small things for him. Running errands, nothing more. I’ve been home by eleven thirty every night, just like you asked.’ He reached out a placatory hand to take her by the arm, but she angrily threw him off.
‘Yes! Deceiving me even further! How can I ever trust you again? And you were caught stealing!’
‘Oh, yeah?’ Jimmy half sneered. ‘He didn’t have any proof of that. Did he tell you that’s why he didn’t call in the old bill? No, he wouldn’t, would he? He couldn’t prove it was me ’cos it wasn’t.’
‘But how can I believe you, Jimmy? How can I ever believe a word you say to me anymore?’
‘Look!’ Jimmy spread his hands in exasperation. ‘So I didn’t tell you I was working for Mr Jackson and not at the pub. It’s not such a big deal. I’m bringing in money we need if we’re to go on living here and you’re looking after your sisters for next to nothing. You should be bloody grateful. And it’s only ’cos of Jackson that I can put money in our savings account for the future. I’ll get you that cottage in the country one day if it’s the last thing I ever do,’ he cajoled with a half-pleading, half-cheeky smile.
‘Blow the cottage in the country! Fat lot of good it’ll be if you’re behind bars!’
‘I keep telling you, I’m not doing anything illegal.’ Jimmy was becoming angry now
. ‘Why won’t you believe me?’
‘I’d’ve thought that was obvious. I really don’t feel I can trust you ever again. Now here’s a blanket and a pillow,’ Hillie hissed, stepping into the adjacent bedroom, pulling the said items from the bed and thrusting them at him. ‘From now on, you sleep on the settee until you stop lying to me!’
And she went back into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her before she burst into tears.
Chapter Twenty-One
He was laughing, that soft, light, familiar laugh that sent delight tingling down Hillie’s spine. His head thrown back, mouth stretched wide, revealing his even, white teeth. Chortling herself, Hillie stole a secret glance at Kit, her heart missing a beat. She couldn’t even remember what outrageous remark Gert had made a few moments earlier that had made them all roar in merriment. Nor did she care. All she knew was that for just a short while, she could be herself. Be happy.
It wasn’t fair on Jimmy, the way she was feeling – she had to admit it to herself now – so attracted to another man. And it certainly wasn’t fair on Kit. He appeared quite content, though, to come out in a group when his shifts allowed, not realising how Hillie felt. Sometimes it was just the four of them; other times, they were joined by either Belinda or Luke. The more the merrier, as far as Hillie was concerned. It was easier to hide her feelings when they were a bigger group. Made her feel safer.
Kit always joined whole-heartedly in the fun or more serious discussion if the conversation went that way, and then took himself off home with a cheery wave. He might give Hillie the occasional special smile or squeeze her hand, but she was sure she was just reading something into it that wasn’t there and that he was oblivious to how his very presence lifted her soul, giving her the strength to carry on with her doubly trapped life. Trapped into working for Harold whom she despised, and trapped into her life with Jimmy whom she couldn’t trust anymore.
And yet she wanted to take care of her younger sisters, and she wanted her marriage to repair itself. She wanted Jimmy to come back to her. Or rather she wanted to feel she could let him, since she was the one who’d put the distance between them. She still wanted to love him, but she felt betrayed. She wasn’t ready to forgive.
What Jimmy was up to half the time, she didn’t know. She wasn’t even sure that she cared anymore. She’d had enough of worrying about him. Since the night of their terrible row, she’d let him get on with his dubious activities without interfering. She felt that whatever she said, however she pleaded, he wouldn’t listen anyway, so there wasn’t much point. She’d even allowed him back into the marital bed to sleep, although nothing more. She simply couldn’t give herself to someone she couldn’t believe in, even if he was her husband.
‘I’m gonna be in every night this week,’ he’d told her shortly afterwards. ‘See if I’m not. And all over the weekend. Don’t want my girl getting all upset again.’
He’d said it as if it were some sort of triumphant sacrifice, Hillie considered, silently pouring scorn on his words. She was about to retort that she’d believe it when it happened, when he pulled her into his arms and covered her mouth with his in a passionate kiss. She didn’t resist, hoping it would stir something inside her. But it didn’t. The magic had gone and she felt herself stiffen. When she didn’t respond, Jimmy simply released her.
‘Are you gonna punish us forever?’ he grumbled.
‘That depends on whether or not you can go back to keeping your promise,’ Hillie answered almost under her breath.
‘Oh, Hill.’ Jimmy shook his head. ‘You know I still need to do some work for Mr Jackson. That is, unless you go back to work at Price’s. Then maybe we could manage this flat and still be able to save a bit. And even then, earning a bit on the side wouldn’t come amiss.’
‘So now it’s my fault, is it, for wanting to look after my sisters?’
‘Hill, I didn’t say that—’
‘It’s what you meant. And if you hadn’t got yourself sacked from the pub, we’d have been all right anyway. Well, I’m not going to let the likes of Dolly Maguire near the girls again! We’ll just have to muddle through until they’re a bit older. Use some of our savings.’
‘But we’ve gone without to save that money,’ Jimmy protested. ‘I love you, Hill, and I want to make that dream of yours of a cottage in the country come true.’
Hillie had softened then, and placed a peck on his cheek. ‘Well, we’ll just have to be more patient, then, won’t we? I know you’re doing it for the sake of our future, but I just don’t want you getting into trouble.’
‘I won’t, I promise. So, if I only do things like serve drinks at Mr Jackson’s gambling parties, can we be friends again?’
Jimmy had tipped his head, half cajoling, half teasing, and Hillie had relented. Almost.
‘Well, let’s see how it goes,’ she’d said.
That had been a few days after she’d discovered he’d been lying to her. Could they be reconciled? She’d hoped so. But although Jimmy wasn’t absent quite so much as before, he was gradually slipping backwards. And Hillie began to give up hope again. She’d heard it all before.
The start of October had produced some pleasant days, and here they were, Gert, Rob, Hillie and Kit, whose shifts had allowed him to join them on a Sunday afternoon. When Jimmy had disappeared God knew where, Hillie had gone where she always did in times of crisis – to Gert’s. Rob had been there and so had Kit, and the four of them had decided to go out together. They’d gone to the park, of course, taking with them a picnic to enjoy in the autumn sunshine, possibly their last chance before the colder weather arrived.
They found an empty bench in the sunshine and sat down to munch the hastily made sandwiches Eva had insisted they take with them, and a bottle of ginger beer she’d unearthed from the larder.
‘We could take the little ones—’ Kit had offered.
‘No, you young people enjoy yourselves on your own for once,’ Eva had insisted. ‘It’s not often you get the chance.’
‘If you’re sure—’
‘Go on. You’re a good lad, Kit.’
And so they’d arrived in the park unencumbered by any of their junior siblings, laughing and joking in a relaxed mood. Hillie had felt her depressed spirits slowly rising, pushing her cares aside for a couple of hours. The sun was warm enough to penetrate her clothes, and she unbuttoned the Fair Isle cardigan she kept for better occasions, despite its associations. It certainly made her feel more uplifted to wear something less drab than normal, and she was secretly grateful to Jimmy – not that she’d ever admit it to him. She wondered vaguely what he was up to just now…
‘Here you are, Hill,’ Gert said, passing her a half of one of Eva’s doorstep sandwiches. ‘Just a bit of tongue inside, but it’s better than nothing.’
‘Thanks. Very kind of your mum.’
‘Well, you know our dear mum.’ Kit jerked his head as he opened the bottle of ginger beer that resounded with an explosive pop. ‘Always likes to put food inside us, whatever it tastes like.’
‘Mmm,’ Hillie chuckled by way of reply as she took the sandwich from Gert. Tongue was one thing she couldn’t stand. She’d rather have bread and dripping, but she couldn’t very well refuse. And she hadn’t eaten since breakfast. She hadn’t felt like it after Jimmy had announced he was just popping out, and still hadn’t returned a few hours later.
Now, suddenly, with the good company and the sunshine, Hillie felt ravenous, and bit into the sandwich with gusto. To her delight, she found that the half-piece Gert had handed her had missed the slither of tongue but was tastily laced with mustard instead.
‘Funny how food tastes so much nicer when you’re outside,’ she observed through a mouthful of bread.
‘Yeah. Pity all we’ve got is a piddling backyard,’ Gert complained. ‘It’s so nice at Rob’s house to have a cuppa or something out in the garden. His mum keeps it so lovely. Been teaching me about plants and things for when Rob and me have a place of our own.’
> Hillie noticed the way Gert smiled adoringly at the young man sitting on the bench beside her. ‘D’you think you’ll have somewhere with a proper garden, then?’
‘I certainly hope so.’
‘Well, don’t get too impatient, love,’ Rob warned, lifting an eyebrow. ‘It’ll be a while before we’ve got enough for a deposit. But if we move out a bit, maybe we can get a nice little semi in one of those new suburb estates they’re building, and I can commute in every day on one of Kit’s trains.’
It was a serious observation, but in the light-heartedness that seemed to have invaded them all, it was met with a chuckle. Hillie, though, had to move her face into a smile as envy pricked her heart at the evident love between Gert and Rob. How good and solid their plans were, whereas she hadn’t had the courage to tell even Gert about how Jimmy had lied to her and the rockiness of their circumstances. She felt almost ashamed, as if it were partly her fault. And… well, maybe it was. If only this, and if only that…
But the sun shone down, enticing the fragrance of warm earth and grass. Overhead, a light breeze made the autumn-kissed leaves dance in the trees. And Kit was there, silently and unknowingly bringing her some peace. Their fingers had touched as he’d handed her the bottle of ginger beer they were all sharing, and their eyes had met in a mutual smile. Did it mean anything? Did Hillie want it to mean anything? But it made her feel relaxed and happy.
And yet there was a sting in the tail of that brief contentment. When Hillie was with Kit, her heart secretly soared recklessly, as if everything was magically going to turn out all right. But how could it? And it made the inevitable fall when they parted so much worse. She always felt as if she was plummeting down through the air, a wingless bird with nothing to stop her crashing to the earth and smashing into a million pieces.
