by Tania Crosse
‘Won’t catch me going to work at boring old Price’s,’ she’d declared.
Hillie had been picking up her handbag ready to leave, and snatched in her breath. Oh, crikey. What was Harold going to say to that? Nell had been sure he’d never go for the younger children – presumably because they were his own flesh and blood, as Hillie knew now she wasn’t. Was Trixie’s affirmation going to test how right their mum had been? Hillie soon had the answer.
‘You’ll go to Price’s and lump it,’ Harold had snapped. ‘And it’s got a good pension scheme.’
‘I hardly think I’m going to be worrying about a pension scheme when I’m only fourteen,’ Trixie answered back. ‘If I want to work with animals at the zoo, then I will.’
Hillie’s eyes had flicked from Trixie’s mutinously set mouth to Harold’s menacing glower. Oh, dear. In the nine months since their dear mother had died, Hillie had managed, more or less, to keep the peace. Trixie was apt to be quiet and brooding, so to hear her speak out so adamantly was a bit of a shock. Was she going to be the one to defy her father?
Hillie was, in a way, pleased that someone was likely to stand up to Harold. And Nell might have been right in that Hillie would have received a clip round the ear if it had been her speaking to Harold like that and not Trixie. But Trixie was only ten, and Hillie didn’t want her being on the receiving end of Harold’s wrath just yet!
‘I didn’t notice if they had any female keepers. Did you?’ she’d intervened, trying to pour oil on troubled waters.
‘No, I didn’t,’ Trixie admitted. ‘But there’s always a first time for everything. I’ll go and ask nearer the time. Anyway, who knows if Price’s will still be going by then? Who’s going to want candles when we’re all getting the electric?’
Hillie blinked in surprise. She was stunned that her younger sister should have thought of such a thing. But by the look on his face, it’d been enough to take the wind out of Harold’s sails.
‘People will always want candles,’ he’d said gruffly.
‘But not in the same way as they used to. We did it in history at school last term. You know, when they only had candles and not even gas lights.’
‘So that’s where you got that nonsense from—’
‘But anyway, working at the zoo’d still be a paid job. Maybe even better paid than at Price’s. And people will always want to go and see all those animals.’
‘Well, you’re probably right there,’ Hillie put in. ‘But you’ve got another four years at school where you’ve got to work very hard to get any sort of job afterwards, don’t forget. Right, I’m off, then. See you in the morning.’
She’d left the house that evening feeling that she’d smoothed things over, but now the tense scene came back to her as they got ready to go to the park. Trixie had always been the one who wanted to stop at the aviaries and deer enclosure and who observed the tiny differences between the ducks they fed. So perhaps it was no surprise that she wanted to turn her interest in animals into paid work when the time came.
Just like Kit and his passion for trains.
The thought flashed across Hillie’s mind with a pang of guilt as she herded her little tribe out of the front door. The memory of that evening when she’d felt so close to Kit made her feel disloyal to Jimmy, even though there’d been nothing really in it. And Jimmy had kept to his word. He’d given up his work for Jackson, which was such a relief to Hillie as she was never quite sure what it entailed. Jimmy would never give her a direct answer, and given his past, with things falling off the back of a lorry, she wasn’t convinced Mr Jackson and his doings were strictly legal. But nowadays, Jimmy was always home from his shifts at the pub by midnight at the very latest, and Hillie felt she could relax on that score, at least.
‘Hello, you lot. Off somewhere nice?’
Hillie turned round from locking the front door. Jessica was standing there, almost loitering on the pavement. She didn’t look her usual self, and Hillie thought her eyes were a touch swollen and red.
‘Just to the park for an hour or so. Want to come with us?’
‘Would you mind? I’m at a bit of a loose end.’
Hillie instinctively felt it was more than that, but was more than happy for her friend to come along. She had thought of calling in to see if Eva would like her to take her little tykes off her hands for a while. But now Hillie had the sensation that something was up with Jessica and that she maybe wanted to talk. But with the Parker children in tow as well, there’d be fat chance of being able to.
‘Can we go on the boating lake, Hill?’ Joan pleaded as they set out along South Carriage Drive.
‘Oh, Hillie, plea-ease,’ the others chorused.
‘No, I’m sorry. I’ve no money to spare. You’ve had enough outings this summer. You’ll just have to go and play,’ she said, crossing them over towards the grass. ‘Jess and I will sit here and watch you.’
As the children raced off, she and Jessica found an empty bench overlooking the vast area of grass. Hillie sat down with a heartfelt oomph, and Jessica settled herself beside her as the four girls chased each other around in a game of ‘It’.
‘What it is to be young,’ Hillie sighed dramatically.
‘You make it sound like you’re really old.’
‘Oh, I feel like it sometimes. I can understand how my poor mum felt with so much work to do. And I don’t have a cruel, abusive husband to cope with.’
‘You must… miss her so much,’ Jessica suggested delicately. ‘I’d miss mine, even if she can be so… so horrible to me sometimes. She and Dad both.’
Hillie glanced at her askew. ‘I thought you looked as if you’d been crying. Something up?’
Jessica nodded, downcast eyes riveted on her joined hands. ‘Yes.’ She gulped, seeming on the brink of tears. ‘Mum’s got toothache. Only she’s scared of going to the dentist because our usual one hurt her so much last time. Anyway, you can imagine I saw it as an ideal way to introduce her to Patrick. I know he uses local anaesthetic, you see. But I didn’t want her to know I already knew him, so I pretended I’d asked at the library and said they recommended him as having a good reputation. She seemed quite keen and then she asked me his name. Well, I had to tell her, didn’t I? I couldn’t very well pretend they hadn’t told me at the library. So when I told her, she said what sort of a name was Akpobio? I didn’t know what to say, so like a fool, I said I thought he was from Nigeria. And both she and Dad said they’d never let a… well, I won’t tell you what they called him, look in their mouths, and they’d sooner suffer the pain.’
Oh, dear. Hillie could see moisture collecting in Jessica’s eyes, and the girl thumbed them away.
‘Well, more fool them—’ Hillie started to say, but Jessica couldn’t contain herself.
‘And just when… Oh, Hillie, I’ll be twenty-one at the end of the year. And we really were going to break it to them then. But now I’m not sure we ever can.’
‘Oh, now you listen to me.’ Hillie turned to her friend with a sudden passion that astounded even herself. ‘Patrick’s a good catch. Your parents’d be idiots not to see that. And more importantly, you really love each other. Waiting so long is proof of that. And once you’re twenty-one, you can marry who you like, and your mum and dad can’t stop you.’
She saw Jessica wring her hands, her pretty mouth twitching. ‘But I don’t want to hurt them,’ she moaned. ‘Or… or lose them.’
‘But what’s more important to you? They’ve made their lives, now it’s time for you to make yours. If you give Patrick up now, you’ll always feel resentful towards your parents. But one day, they’ll be dead and gone, and you’ll still have your life to live. Don’t make a mistake you’ll regret forever.’
Jessica met her gaze, wide-eyed, and Hillie watched the minute changes in the older girl’s expression as her impassioned words sank in. But where had they come from? Somewhere so deep inside that she hadn’t known they were there herself. It was almost as if she was talking about h
erself.
And… was she?
Ever since that evening out with Kit, she’d been wondering. No. If she were truthful with herself, it went back way before that. When she’d begun to wonder if she hadn’t made a mistake in marrying Jimmy. She’d thought she loved him. And she still did. But not with the intensity she knew lay somewhere inside her. Jimmy had been fun when she needed cheering up. He was exciting, and had proved himself hard-working. And in her time of need, he’d been her knight in shining armour. But was he really right for her?
Whereas that evening she’d spent with Kit, she’d felt so at home. They were on the same wavelength. Had more of the same tastes. It’d been a long time since she’d had a serious discussion with him. Years. But they found they’d read some of the same books – when Jimmy confessed to never having read an entire book in his life, even when he was supposed to have done at school.
As she sat on the bench with Jessica, she remembered Kit’s animated face as they’d discussed Cold Comfort Farm, which they’d both recently read. And then they’d talked about more serious matters, Oswald Mosley’s British Union of Fascists rally and then another hunger march at the beginning of the year, and the politician Winston Churchill’s speeches about what was going on in Germany.
And then Kit had finished on a lighter note. ‘Of course, all Dad’s going to be interested in is the cricket and the British Empire Games coming up in August!’ he’d laughed, making Hillie feel so relaxed and happy that, for a second or two, she couldn’t help herself considering his strong jawline, his even teeth when he gave that engaging smile. The way a rogue lock of hair always flopped over his brow, giving him such a boyish expression. Could it be that she was finding the lad she’d always looked upon as an older brother increasingly attractive?
The thought that invaded her mind made her break out in a cold sweat and she hurled it aside. But what did it matter, anyway? She was married to Jimmy now, for better or for worse. And what an ungrateful cow she was, after all Jimmy had done for her!
But if she’d made a terrible mistake, she wasn’t going to sit back and let her friend do the same!
She was relieved when Jessica stopped staring at her and then blinked. It was almost as if realisation or maybe acceptance was dawning on her face. A slight frown settled on her brow, but at the same time, her lips were curving upwards at the corners.
‘D’you know, you’re right,’ Jessica finally spoke. ‘I’ve been too worried about upsetting Mum and Dad all along. Look how they let me make friends with you and Gert in the end, even if they don’t really approve, if you don’t mind my saying so. Oh, Hillie, thank you! We’ll still wait until after my birthday, but then we’ll announce our engagement.’
‘They’ll come round,’ Hillie assured her. ‘They won’t want to lose you, either.’
‘Well, thanks again, Hillie. You’ve convinced me. Given me hope. So, shall we join in this game of tag?’ she asked, her eyes glistening now with joy rather than tears as she gestured towards where the four sisters were racing around like lunatics.
‘Yes, I think we’d better before war breaks out,’ Hillie laughed, grateful for the diversion as she noticed the frustration on Frances’s face at being ‘caught’ yet again. ‘I think we’ve been far too solemn this afternoon, don’t you?’ And she charged across the grass, burying her thoughts in the deepest recesses of her mind.
*
Now what?
Hillie was lounging on the settee in the flat, twiddling her thumbs. It had been a long, busy day as usual at the little house in Banbury Street. But today had been different, and that’s why she couldn’t settle. For Frances, her baby sister, had started school.
Hillie had been looking forward to it. Frances was a bright little thing and needed the stimulus of the classroom. Much as Hillie had tried to keep her youngest sibling’s mind occupied, there was so much to do that she didn’t have sufficient time to devote to her sister’s needs.
Frances had been so excited and there’d been no tears at the school gate as she’d skipped into the playground surrounded by her sisters and the Parker children. Hillie had felt she ought to go with her for the first few days, but there clearly wasn’t going to be any need after that.
Hillie had done the day’s shopping on her way back and then let herself into the house. Time to catch up on some of the jobs she’d neglected during the summer holidays. Not that there was anything dire, but she wanted to keep the place as pristine as her mum would have done.
But the house was just so quiet. She’d never known it like that. In the past, even if she’d been alone there, it was only ever for a short while, never the whole day. The silence pressed down on her in a way she hadn’t expected. This was it now. Her life. She felt Nell’s spirit brush past her shoulder. Could she understand what her mum had done – and given her life in the process? She’d asked herself that question a million times. How could such a devoted mother do what she had, and keep it a secret – as it would have been if things hadn’t gone so horrifically wrong? But yes, Hillie was beginning to see how it could happen if you were worn down to nothingness.
She’d literally shaken herself and forced her attentions onto the housework, the washing and cooking that she needed to do. There wasn’t even a radio to listen to. Harold didn’t believe in such things, and wouldn’t entertain the inconvenience – or the expense, no doubt – of having to take the batteries in to be recharged regularly. So Hillie had to put up with the deafening silence that somehow made her stomach trundle.
It had been a joy when it came to three o’clock and it was time to set out for the school. Frances was full of her first day, chattering all the way home. When Luke and Harold eventually got in from work, Hillie was only just beginning to feel her normal self. Part of her would have liked to stay on for a while to hear Frances’s account of the day all over again, but the other part wanted to get away from Harold as swiftly as possible!
As she opened the front door, she’d almost collided with Gert who was walking along the street on her way home from work. Hillie spilled over with relief to see her old friend.
‘Hello, Gert! Good day at the factory?’ she asked, trying to sound cheerful.
‘Blooming same as ever.’ Gert rolled her eyes. ‘How did Frances get on? You wanna come in for a cuppa?’
‘Thought you’d never ask!’ Hillie had laughed, forcing a grin onto her face.
But Gert pulled in her chin with a frown. ‘What’s up then, Hill? Can’t fool me. I can see something’s wrong.’
Hillie glanced at her, chewing on her lip. But she knew there was no getting away with it with Gert. ‘Oh, I don’t know,’ she gave in at last. ‘I just feel a bit down in the dumps. Life’s running away with me before I’ve had a chance to achieve anything.’
‘That’s what comes of being such a clever clogs,’ Gert chirped back. ‘Anyway, you don’t know what the future holds. You won’t be tied to your family forever.’
‘I feel as if I will.’
‘Nah. Anyway, you’ll probably have a family of your own soon with Jimmy. I’m surprised you ain’t started one already.’
‘We’ve been trying to have a family,’ Hillie confessed. You couldn’t keep anything from Gert! ‘And to be honest, I’m not sure…’ She’d found herself on the brink of saying it. That she was beginning to feel it had been a huge mistake, and that she shouldn’t have married Jimmy in the first place. But how could she when Gert had supported her? Done so much to help them elope? So instead she went on, ‘I’m not sure I could cope with a baby as well at the moment. And it wouldn’t feel right, not so soon after Mum—’
‘Not that soon. Nearly a year, you know. But at least you’ve got your own little home with Jimmy. I can’t wait till Rob and me have a place of our own. Only he wants to save up so we can buy somewhere and have a mortgage thingy before we tie the knot. But then I guess he would, working in a bank and all.’
Hillie cocked an envious eyebrow as they went into Gert’s house. �
��You deserve to be happy,’ she said wistfully.
‘You make it sound as if you’re not,’ Gert frowned at her.
‘Well, it’s just that Jimmy’s out so much, I guess. He’s working at the pub almost every evening this week.’
‘Oh? I thought he only worked there weekends?’
‘He does normally, but he’s filling in for someone.’
‘Oh, well, you can have a bit of company with us, then, instead. Kit should be here, too. Said he’d call in on his way to work. He’s on nights for a bit. Hello, everyone!’ Gert called, pushing open the door to the back room.
‘Hello, love.’ Eva had welcomed them with her usual beaming smile. ‘And Hillie, too.’
‘Hello, Mrs P, everyone,’ Hillie nodded, her heart skipping as she saw Kit looking alarmingly handsome as he raised his mug of tea to her in greeting.
‘Haven’t seen you in a while,’ he said amiably.
‘I hear you’re on nights,’ she answered, wondering why she felt a little unnerved.
‘For my sins, yes,’ he joked. ‘But I rather enjoy it. The station’s so different at night. Has an atmosphere all of its own. And how are you? Jake tells me Frances started school today. How did she get on?’
‘Loved it,’ Hillie chuckled. ‘Still talking about it just now,’ she informed him, thumbing back over her shoulder in the direction of her old family home.
‘Good for her. Well, I must be off. Thanks for the tea, Mum. See you in a few days. Bye, Gran,’ he said, placing a kiss on the old lady’s gnarled cheek before heading towards the hallway.
‘I’d better be going, too,’ Hillie announced. ‘Jimmy’s out tonight but I’ve got a few things to do.’
‘Oh. Oh, all right, then,’ Gert looked vaguely put out.
‘Cheerio, then. See you anon!’
Hillie hurried out of the room, suddenly driven by some force she could neither comprehend nor resist. She caught Kit up as he crossed the street.
‘You leaving, too?’
‘Yes. Things to do. But…’ The words cascaded out of her mouth as if they had a life of their own. ‘We should do what we did before. When you’re back on days. Go out somewhere. I get so fed up with Jimmy not being there half the time. We could go out with Gert and Rob,’ she added as a safety measure. ‘And ask Luke along as well.’
