One and a Half Regrets: A Sweet, New Adult Romance (Love by the Numbers Book 1)

by J. A. Coffey

  My chin strikes the crown of his skull and I see stars. “Ouch!”

  “Shit. Sorry. Are you okay?” He immediately steadies me. “Ugh, you look like you took an uppercut.” He gently probes the welt I can feel forming on the underside of my chin.

  “I’ve had worse.” I sober, wondering how many times he’s suffered worse. “So have you.”

  Liam doesn’t answer, just rubs the top of his head, making his hair stand on end.

  The music has died.

  “They posted pictures of us kissing yesterday,” he blurts. “At the movie theater. I’m really sorry, Beth. The press will probably start hounding you.”

  It’s a complication I don’t need in my life right now, but it’s not Liam’s fault that he’s famous and I’m not. “I’m sure it’s fine. You kiss a lot of girls.”

  “You can’t really see your face, so I’m pretty sure you’ll be…” His voice trails off.

  “Safe?” I take out a polishing cloth, wiping down my bow and strings before storing the instrument in the case. My chin smarts, and I’ll probably have a hell of a bruise by morning.

  “Yeah.” He looks away.

  Suddenly, I’m worried by the pain in his eyes. Paparazzi or no, there’s no one on earth outside of my family and friends who know that he’s the father of my baby, and none of them would wish us ill. Why would Liam be worried about my safety?

  “Liam, does DeSilva know about Cadence?” I wonder if the wily agent will have reporters digging up my old romance with Liam.

  “No.”

  Then I remember another person who puts fear in Liam’s face. “Does your dad?”

  He’s quick to shake his head. Almost too quick.

  “Why would he? I just found out about her myself.” His gaze slides away from me.

  “But?” I can tell he’s concerned.

  “My father’s been trying to track me down. Don’t worry, I’m sure he doesn’t know anything about Cadence,” Liam says.

  I cover his hand with mine, forcing myself to relax. I’m pretty sure his dad would do anything to hurt Liam.

  “And he never can,” I urge. “Never, Liam.”

  His head rotates, and he stares down my hallway, to the room where our sweet baby is blissfully sleeping according to her baby monitor. “Yeah. I know.” His eyes reassure me, even if his shaky voice doesn’t.

  The weekend passes in a blur of happy moments.

  Liam makes a point of spending every moment between his band practice, wedding prep and scheduled appearances with Cadence and me. On Sunday, he watches Cadence while I run to the grocery store after an extra-long stint at the pub. He stays for dinner, whipping up his infamous Hensley Hamburgers—complete with steak sauce and homemade sweet potato fries. While we steal a few kisses in between clean-up, we’re careful not to go too far.

  Things are way better than I ever imagined. Enough to make me wonder if there might be a chance for us to get back together, but since neither of us brings it up, it’s probably just a dream.

  I’m totally blindsided when Jovie makes good on the offer to host a reunion party at the Auld Rogue. After I share the news, the fact that we’ve got something on the books to bring in money cheers up Ma, me and Cormack. Now more than ever, we need the kitchen renovations to be approved so we can reopen on time.

  Though a teensy part of me is still waiting for everything to come apart, mostly it’s wonderful. My good mood must be showing, because even my brother comments on it.

  “Did you order the banner for the reunion thing?” Cormack asks on Monday after my shift.

  “Whoops. I’ll get right on that.” I stop daydreaming about me and Liam long enough to pull up an internet browser. The web page news report blasts me with a side story about “The Wylde Ryder’s New Woman,” which I can only assume is about me. I ignore it and go right to locating a local printer who can make up a hanging banner in time.

  “What’s with you?” Cormack asks. “You haven’t been riding my ass lately.”

  “I told Liam about Cadence.” I’m surprised at how easily the words come out.

  Cormack is silent. “How’d it go?” He’s always so cautious, like me.

  “Good. Great actually. He understood.”

  “Thought he might.” My brother’s a great one for saying I told you so. “So…now what?”

  “We’re taking it one day at a time.” Because that’s all we have. A few stolen moments between his busy career and my caretaking. “No future plans yet.”

  It’s that yet that has me holding my breath.

  “As long as you and Cadence are happy, then I’m happy.” Cormack isn’t fooling me. I can hear him smiling, even with my back turned. “But you’ll need to work things out eventually.”

  “I know, Cor.” I huff my hair out of my eyes. “But can’t we just…be together for a little while? I’m kinda on overload.”

  “Maybe Liam can help you, Beth. Ever think of that?”

  “You mean financially?”

  “Why not? He makes a lot of money.”

  I can’t deny that the financial support would come in handy, but part of me wants so much more from Liam—as long as he’s willing to give it. I don’t want to jinx anything. “It’s complicated.”

  “Love always is.”

  Liam and I haven’t said that to each other. The L word. So I change the subject. “What time am I scheduled to come in tomorrow?”

  “If you two work things out, maybe you won’t have to be here at all.”

  The thought of not having to wait tables at the pub sends a jolt of unease through me. But I can’t voice that to Cormack, who’s been stuck holding everything together, too. “Who would watch over Ma?”

  “She’s a grown woman, Beth.” He sighs. “We all support her, but eventually she’s going to have to step up for herself.”

  “Has she agreed to check into that rehab program yet?” I’d left the Alcoholics Anonymous pamphlets on her desk last month.

  “Not yet.” Cormack pauses. “Maybe seeing you and Liam together again will be the catalyst to her recovery.”

  My brother sounds so hopeful and I know why. My teen pregnancy is what kick-started the binge drinking in my mother. Sure, she’d been known to toss back a few before then, but when I lost my scholarship and my dreams, it wrecked Ma as much as it did me. I still carry that guilt.

  “Me with a rock star? I doubt it.” But there’s more than doubt ringing in my words.

  There’s hope.

  “Besides, what would I do if I wasn’t waiting tables,” I scoff.

  “You could go back to playing the violin,” my brother states.

  “Where would that leave you? Stuck at the Rogue with Ma.”

  Cormack pauses. “I’m not like you, Bethany. I never had big dreams of escaping. I like being here. I don’t even mind working alongside Ma, as long as she’s straight. I don’t resent my life one bit.”

  “What? I don’t resent mine either.” A sudden surge of shame rushes through me. Maybe I didn’t love working at the pub, and maybe I let it get in the way of my dreams, but I would never resent my life or my baby. “Cadence is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

  “You’re wrong about that.” Cormack sounds so sure that I want to smack him. “What if the best thing that’s ever happened to you…is Liam?”

  “I…er…” I can’t form words. The thought unlocks a flood of hope that I’m not sure I can count on. Until I know I can count on Liam, I refuse to let him completely in. And maybe that’s our problem. “When’s my shift?”

  “You’re not on the schedule tomorrow.” There’s my brother’s Irish obstinacy.

  “Why not?”

  “Because I said so. Spend the day with…whomever.” Oh, I know who he means. “I’ve got things under control.”

  “Oh yeah? How was the city inspector’s visit?” I’d been so caught up with Liam over the weekend that I’d never checked
in with Ma or my brother.

  “Everything’s fine, Beth.” His face looks more tense than usual. I hope it’s not because of me.

  “Define ‘fine’, Cor.” I can’t help but worry.

  He ducks his head. “I caught Ma almost sneaking a cigarette again, right next to the open gas lines that the contractors were trying to repair. I think she…wasn’t quite herself.”

  Which meant she was drunk. “That’s it. I’m coming in for the clean-up shift later tonight. And I’ll be in first thing tomorrow, too.”

  “Don’t. There’s no reason to derail your happiness over this.”

  “I’m not derailing anything. I’m being responsible.”

  Cormack leans back in his squeaky office chair and gives me a stare that reminds me a little of our Ma’s. “The Rogue is no place for Cadence, and Paige is under the weather. I don’t want Cadence getting sick.”

  “Paige is sick?”

  “Just a flu or something. I’m headed home with chicken soup now, but I don’t want to see you or the baby for a few days, okay?”

  “Fine. But put me on the schedule. I need the tips.” I stand up and grab my sweater and purse. As long as he’s not shutting me out.

  After an hour of tidying my place, I decide I could use a hot shower. I put Cadence down for her nap and hit the bathroom. Once I’m clean, I feel human again, and I’m thinking of Liam. Taking a deep breath, I wrap my hair in a towel and call him.

  “Hey, Beth.” He sounds happy to hear from me. “I’m woodshedding with the guys at the studio. We’re laying down a few tracks for the sound guys before the concert. What’s up?”

  Behind him, I can hear the sounds of an argument building. “Everything okay there?”

  The receiver muffles. “Zane and Finn. Today’s not a good day.” He doesn’t have to explain they’re going at it again.

  “Gotcha. Cadence and I were going to the park later. Wondered if you wanted to join us?” It’s a rare sunny day and I want to take every advantage. Maybe Cormack is right. Still, there’s a big difference between part-time playing house and playing in a rock band. Liam’s got a long way to go. No way he’s cut out to be a full-time father. Is he?

  “Absolutely. Give me an hour, okay?”

  “Okay.” I hang up, feeling elated and excited. “Daddy’s coming over,” I say to Cadence.

  “Dee deee deeee,” she babbles back. “Da Da Deeee.”

  I stop in my tracks. It’s a word I’ve never dared utter, because saying it out loud makes it too real. But there’s no pain with it now. Just excited anticipation. I want to clap my own hands.

  “Exactly. I can’t wait to see him, either.” I change my clothes to something that doesn’t scream bar schlep or super mom.

  Despite the scratchy overdone dresses and the ginormous toy giraffe that I barely had space for in my tiny townhouse, I can’t deny that Liam is really making an effort to be here. Both for Cadence—and for me. He’s been spending time with us every single day which can’t be easy considering his schedule.

  Things are going so well, I can almost believe we have a chance.

  Oops, there I go again. Every time he comes near me, I slip into stupid romantic fantasies, stuff that has nothing to do with being a mother or keeping my family together. I’m constantly dreaming of music and making love and… Being around him just makes those fantasies worse.

  I want more. I want…him. And I want him to want me, too.

  Liam makes good on his promise to join us at the park. By early afternoon, the three of us have spent an hour strolling the paths, watching birds and holding hands like a real family. The hours I spend with him go by so quickly that I almost can’t believe it.

  “Cadence looks pooped.” I shade my face with my hand while he pushes her stroller. “Want to head back to the house?”

  “Sure.” We settle in with some iced tea for the grownups and a bottle for Cadence.

  I prop the garage door open to take out the trash, and Liam drags her bouncy seat to my empty garage. “You never bought a car?” he asks, settling our daughter where she won’t be struck by the sun. “How do you get around?”

  “Nah. Too expensive and I can get where I need to with the public transit.”

  He nods, the only affirmation he’s given that money is tight for me. Still, if it wasn’t for my savings being tied up in the pub, I could’ve found a used vehicle. Not that I need one just yet. Not until Cadence is in school, and her activities become a little more wide-spread.

  I have a few years.

  “You know, I have some money saved up,” he starts.

  “Let’s not talk about it now.” My heart pounds a mile a minute. I don’t want to know how much better off than me he is, and I don’t want to accept more from Liam than either of us is willing to give. “If it comes down to financial support, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, okay?”

  “It won’t, Beth.” He gives me a look that sends heat rushing everywhere. My breasts start to tingle, so I look away before I start lactating or something equally unsexy.

  He props himself in front of a set of plastic buckets in my garage. Looking completely adorable, he makes faces and funny sounds at Cadence who claps in her bouncy seat as if his enthusiasm is infectious.

  “Hang on a sec.” I go to the hall closet and pull my violin case from under the pile of winter coats where I’d stuffed it after his last visit.

  Liam’s smile grows wider when I return. “I like where this is headed.”

  “Let’s try playing a little something together.” I prime and rosin my bow, then nestle the instrument under my chin in the same spot Cadence likes to cuddle. Rosin dust flutters through the sunbeams like fireflies.

  Liam is absently rapping out the percussion to one of Wylde Ryders’ most popular tunes, “I Can’t Love You Enough.” I wore that track out on my playlist last year. The band had recorded it as a heavy rock ballad, but I’d fiddled with the melody to change it to a softer acoustic piece. Liam has no way of knowing that.

  I firm my lips, trying not to smile as I start to play along.

  “What the—?” Liam laughs and continues to accompany me on his makeshift drum set.

  At the first draw across the strings, Cadence’s eyes grow enormous, her expression so close to Liam’s, it makes my heart ache. Our daughter claps again, burbling happy baby noises.

  “This is awesome,” Liam swoons. He wrinkles his nose and then nods at the baby. “Cadence likes it, too.”

  “Mhmm.” We finish the final chorus of the song. I end the final refrain with a flourish. The notes hang in the air and Liam and I are frozen, breathless, until there’s nothing more to savor.

  “Epic.” He flashes me his signature smoldering smile, the look that turns my world upside down. “That was glorious, Beth.”

  “Thanks.” I wipe down my instrument and set it inside the case. “I haven’t played that song in a long time.”

  “I’m surprised you know it at all.” He’s watching me with a guarded expression. “Figured after I ditched you for the band, you’d want nothing to do with Wylde Ryder.”

  “I don’t.” I pick up Cadence, who’s starting to tire of her bouncy chair. She’s been a little off the past few days. I hope it’s just teething and not whatever Paige has or the fact that I’ve introduced Liam into our lives. “Not really.”

  “Then why do you know the song by heart?” Liam asks.

  “I don’t know. I was lonely. It made me feel closer to you to play along.” Cadence utters a half-wail, her little face puckered in a frown. She’s sweaty for the cool temperature inside the garage, and her hair is matted to her head. “Uh-oh, she doesn’t seem to be feeling well.”

  “Should we go in?” he asks.

  “Soon.” I set my baby on my lap where she can play with the zipper on my vest, while Liam taps thoughtfully on the edge of the plastic tub. “But it’s nice being able to play together.”

  “M
aybe you should consider making that a fulltime thing.” His voice is so quiet I’m not sure I heard him properly.

  “Make what a fulltime thing?” Cadence fusses again and grabs a fistful of my hair.

  “Playing.” He leans over and disentangles my hair from Cadence’s grip so she doesn’t chew on it. “With me. Me and the band.”

  “You can’t make me that offer. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t.” I stand abruptly, ready to go into the house. “I’ve got Cadence and Ma and the Auld Rogue to look after.”

  He isn’t serious. Everything he’s described about his life demonstrates that his record producer, Marco DeSilva, has all the power. Liam wouldn’t have the option to add a band member—even for a single song. Unless he’s not talking about the band.

  “Anything’s possible, Beth.” He’s got a look on his face that both panics and thrills me at the same time.

  An image of that gray jewelry box flashes behind my eyes and suddenly I’m scared. Scared to commit to him. Scared he won’t commit to me and our daughter.

  “We should go inside.” I settle the baby on my hip and move to the door.

  He picks up the plastic tubs and puts them back on the shelves. “C’mon, Beth. Lots of musicians have kids. They make time for them, just like anyone else who works for a living does.”

  “Not because of her. Because of you, Liam. You can’t just waltz back in here and expect things to be the same. I’ve changed.”

  “I’m changing every moment I spend with you and our baby. Can’t you see? I’m asking you to give me a chance.”

  Every part of me wants to rush into his big, strong arms, to let him take me and the baby away from Seattle and make a new life with love and music. But a couple of days of getting to know each other again are no foundation for a relationship. Things are different now.

  Between watching out for Cadence and Ma and the Rogue so close to going under, there’s no room left in my life. Someone has to be here to hold it all together, and it sure isn’t going to be Liam.

  Is it?

  “Just give me a chance,” he repeats, looking a little lost.