Please Don't Tell My Parents I Blew Up the Moon

by Richard Roberts

  We didn’t have time for this. I shook my head, and headed for the closed mouth. It opened, and I had to stop again.

  Calvin lay face-down right on the other side. He did not seem to be breathing.

  After getting this far, he would just have been a strain Juno didn’t need, wouldn’t he?

  Ray slipped his arm around my waist and hoisted me off the ground. “Seconds count.”

  He was right. We left Calvin’s body behind, and a series of fanged mouths opened and closed as we passed through them.

  “Is there only this one way?” I asked out loud.

  A section of flesh pulled away from the wall as we ran by. The real wall underneath was made of grey stone, artificially flat but covered in weathered symbols. Harvey’s voice, hoarse and strained, answered, “Yes. Hurry. I am trying to fight. If she touches me, she will gain control.”

  The last mouth opened into a chamber the same size as the last, but differently shaped. Long and rectangular, its walls sloped up to a roof smaller than the floor. At the very far end loomed a familiar shape. An archway of rocks dominated the wall, like the one at the Red Panacea Clinic but much bigger. That would be the gate.

  Between us and the gate were a mess of pale, toothy spikes and pools of hissing acid. Harvey was indeed, trying to fight. The only effect was to slow Juno down, as the mess could only recede out of Claire’s way so fast.

  Straight along Juno and Claire’s path to the gate hung a blob on a rope of red flesh. It looked like the universe’s biggest, grosses uvula, or a cocoon hanging from a spider web in the movies, except the shape of the dangling body was formed out of scarlet shell, not silk. Thick feelers waved from the vaguely defined head.

  We had finally met Harvey in person, and I hated to say it, but he was uglier than I’d dreamed.

  I wriggled, and Ray set me down. I tried to remember how it felt to use Archimedes’ telekinesis. I’d been so angry.

  Seeing Juno’s hand around Claire’s neck produced all the anger I would ever need. I shot it through the cat on my arm in an attempt to punch Juno in the back of her braided head. That she looked so much like me just added insult to injury!

  It worked. I knew it worked, but so did Juno. She spun around to face me, and through Archimedes’ eyes, I saw a glowing white jellyfish slap my attack away.

  “Let her go!” I yelled, and the command gave Juno a moment’s pause. As she hesitated, Ray started to run. Not flat-out. He ran like any regular boy, closing the distance at a decent clip, but nothing like the racehorse speed I knew he was capable of.

  Juno’s eyes flared, and she held out her hand towards him, so I reached out with Archimedes and scooped up a pool full of pink acid, splashing it at her from behind.

  The attempt was a joke. I couldn’t aim that invisible hand. Toothy spikes shook as I slapped them, and maybe a cupful of acid flew up, only to have Claire, with her dreamy smile and glowing eyes, step in the acid’s way.

  It hissed when it hit her dress, and the ground around her and Juno convulsed. A clear liquid spit up out of the floor onto Claire, soaking her and splashing Juno. The acid boiled into froth and fell harmlessly away.

  Wow. Claire’s power owned Harvey. He would not allow her to be hurt.

  Juno spun on the spot, and as she grabbed Claire’s shoulders, I knew she’d figured out the same thing. She ran forward, pushing her hostage ahead. Fangs lay flat like cobblestones in front of Claire’s skidding feet, and acid poured away, blasted by more jets of neutralizer. Only enough space cleared for Juno and Claire to pass, but that was all Juno needed. She was much closer to Harvey than we were to her.

  As soon as her back was completely turned, Ray lunged. A regular run could not possibly have caught up with Juno in time, but Ray sped up like a car pouring on the gas. How fast could he go? Twenty miles per hour? Thirty? Forty?

  Fast enough that he hit Juno like a cannonball in the middle of her back, knocking both Juno and Claire past Harvey and off to the side. A bare patch opened up to cushion Claire’s landing.

  The same did not happen for Juno. She hit spikes. To my amazement, no blood flew. She’d avoided being cut. Instead, she lay among the teeth like a discarded ragdoll, bent at improbable angles.

  I walked up to Ray slowly, trying to keep my voice from squeaking. “I think you killed her.”

  “She is alive.” Harvey’s voice was no longer strained, but it still came out of the walls. The thing hanging from the ceiling didn’t have a mouth, after all.

  Ray panted, hands on his knees. “Then Harvey can heal her while he removes her powers.”

  “I could civilize her. That would also remove the problem.”

  “No!” I snapped.

  “If she had died, I wouldn’t be sorry,” wheezed Ray. It was really more of a growl. His chest arched just in remembered anger. “She tried to murder my best friends.”

  I glanced at Claire, who looked completely peaceful, dozing with a smile as if she were napping in a field of flowers.

  “No one gets killed, and no one gets civilized. We like being barbarians, Harvey.”

  “So do I,” he murmured quietly from somewhere behind me.

  Awkward moment happened. It didn’t last long. Harvey announced in a much more businesslike tone, “The armored human is on her way here. The battle resumed as soon as she left.”

  I let out a loud sigh to let the entire universe understand that yes, of course it did. “Nobody listens to kids. Nobody wants to hear that a kid can be a hero. Fine.” Archimedes scampered back up to my shoulders, and I gave my arms a shake. I wished I could roll up my sleeves. It would even be safe, as Harvey was rapidly shrinking the teeth out of sight and draining the acid, presumably to make the room nice and safe for perfect Claire.

  I walked up to the dangling chitinous mummy and looked up into where its eyes would be if it had them. “Please tell me that the civilized races are as stupid as humanity and there’s a self-destruct button in this base.”

  Harvey sounded offended. “No! Not technically.” The anger rapidly drained into sheepishness. “I could create a chain reaction of bio-medium consuming itself, until the energy-containing molecules could no longer be safely contained.”

  “Would that take out the gate and the artifacts?”

  “Yes.” Harvey did not share my excitement. He sounded solemn and determined, but then, I was about to blow up his life’s work.

  “How long will it take?”

  “Less than one of a human’s three sleep cycle stages, but more than the time required for a human brain to black out if breathing stops.”

  I looked at Ray. “Uh…”

  The human Wikipedia (which was not fair, because Ray was hardly ever wrong) translated, “Minutes. Half-hour, tops.”

  I nodded, starting to grin. Perfect! “Harvey, relay what I’m about to say to the rest of the complex. Video would be nice, if you can manage it.”

  I carefully adjusted my goggles, brushed my braids back, and pulled Archimedes down off my shoulder. Cradling him in both arms, I stroked the back of his head, looked straight at the exit door, and announced, “People of Jupiter! This has been fun, but the Inscrutable Machine are done here. We’d like to leave you with one of the finest supervillain traditions from Earth. It’s called a doomsday countdown. In, oh, about fifteen minutes, I’m going to blow up Kalyke, including everyone and everything on or inside it. There’s no use arguing. The process is already started. I’m going to be safely far away from here when it blows, but I do enjoy watching people scramble like ants, so I thought I’d give you a warning.” I put on my widest, most evilly leering smirk. “Oh, and when I said ‘fifteen minutes’? That was a very rough estimate. I suggest you hurry. Goodbye, everyone! It has been a thoroughly evil pleasure. Ha! AH HA HA HA HA HA!”

  After I remained silent for a couple of seconds, Harvey said, “I have ended the broadcast.”

  I burst into honest giggles. Ray staggered up to me, and giggled, too. Then we both set off laughing so hard, w
e ended up bent forward, and only staggered upright when we ran out of breath. Eventually, I got mine back. “As fun as that was, I wish I didn’t have to do it. It would have been nice to be thought of as a hero somewhere in the solar system.”

  Ray nudged me with his elbow. “You have Mourning Dove on your side.”

  I went ‘pfft’. “People listen to her even less than they listen to us.”

  Harvey broke in, his tone strident. “Penelope, we are still in trouble.”

  I growled, my bubble of relief and happiness popped. “What now?”

  Penelope’s Log: stop asking that. Seriously, don’t do it.

  Metal hands ripped the fanged valve door off the entrance to the gate chamber. Bits of bony teeth stuck in the cracks of her power armor. The surface dripped pink acid, which had done nothing worse than leave a few dark stains in the metal. The faint hissing only provided a backdrop for Remmy’s croaking, hysterical gasps. “You… killed… my… brother!”

  Oh, sweet Tesla.

  She stomped forward slowly, the robot’s legs twisting clumsily. I couldn’t see behind the automaton mask, but she was crying so hard, she could barely hold back the sobs. “You… he fawned over you… praised you… I actually admired you… AND YOU KILLED HIM!”

  Already shoulder to shoulder with me, Ray leaned his head over and whispered, “I can plant the Machine on her. I know it.”

  The propellers on Remmy’s robot arms spun up, creating walls of lightning and blowing wind. I was considerably less confident than Ray, and not at all confident we would escape this confined space alive before the Machine ate enough of her mecha to shut it down.

  Besides, and my heart clenched and tears stung the corners of my eyes at the thought, I didn’t want to defeat Remmy. I wanted to help her, like no one had helped me.

  She stretched out a mechanical arm, but before she started the next death threat, I asked, “Are you sure he’s dead?” I had to raise my voice over the crackle of her shields and the whipping wind, but I was used to giving speeches.

  “DON’T TRY TO WEASEL OUT OF THIS!” she screamed at me.

  I rushed the words before she could take a step and commit. “Are you sure he’s dead? Are you? Did you check?”

  She didn’t answer, and her sobbing got quiet. She hadn’t. Neither had we. Yes, he’d looked dead, but we hadn’t checked.

  I waved a hand around at the walls. “In a few minutes, this moon is going to explode. One of your brothers can’t escape on his own power. The other is still fighting, because he’s an idiot and doesn’t take what little girls can do seriously. The Kludge can either make sure we die with the moon, or rescue her brothers and her friends and family and all the other adults too stupid to rescue themselves. Which is it going to be?”

  The mech stood motionless, Remmy’s face hidden behind her mask. The pause ended when she pointed one thick, mechanical finger at me. “Evil.” There was absolutely no humor in her voice.

  I nodded. “Are you? Your brothers need you to answer now.”

  Without another word, the mechanical suit pivoted and ran back up the hallway towards the distant hangar. She barely paused to lean down and scoop up the still form of Calvin on the way.

  I felt… okay about that. Losing her friendship should have torn me apart, but it didn’t. Jupiter would be lucky to have Remmy as a superhero, and I had given her the best gift I could possibly think of. I was leaving everyone in good hands.

  From everywhere, Harvey shrieked, “No! The relay!” Ray’s arms wrapped around me, and he leaped into the air, landing on the edge of a spike that had rammed out of the floor underneath us. My head whirled as he danced from spike to spike while the room went mad.

  As he spun, I got a look at Harvey. Juno hung from his legs, one arm around them. The joints of that arm were twisted at the wrong angles. The other arm hung. She only had one leg underneath her. Her eyes still glowed just as brightly as ever, and her voice wasn’t just strong, it soared with excitement. “Freedom! Join me, brothers and sisters! There are bodies enough for everyone!”

  The stone arch shimmered, showing a very boring brown fog. Glitter played over the gate, stopping the fog from leaking in, but not the elephant sized white blob from drifting up and reaching a fat tentacle through into the room.

  “Close the gate! Close the gate, Harvey!” I yelled, trying to keep aim with Archimedes as the room convulsed, and Ray dodged a spray of acid with me cradled in his arms.

  The foggy brown view disappeared. It was only gone for a split second, but with it disappeared the reaching tentacle. When the gate reopened, the Jovian on the other side seemed unharmed, but had to start pushing through again.

  Other white shapes crowded up behind the first.

  I was emotionally exhausted, spent. Even without me, Harvey was still fighting. “I will not. Give. You Juliet.” His words came out broken, slower and slower.

  Juliet’s voice replaced his. “Harvey has given me control of the gate. Escape, and then I shall open it into the sun!”

  The brown of Jupiter flickered out, replaced with the brown of a dingy half-collapsed basement I’d last seen through the gate in the Red Panacea Clinic. The flickering stopped, holding that view for a second. Two seconds.

  Plenty of time for Claire to climb to her feet in the one stable part of the room, launch her grappling hook to grab the back of Juno’s neck, and yank. With a whipping motion, Claire catapulted Juno through the gate, where the already battered body landed in the basement and didn’t move.

  The gate shut. The room stopped convulsing. Ray balanced on a tooth as it slid down into the floor, and set me on my feet.

  Claire staggered a couple of steps forward, and pointed an angry finger at me. “You are making me a real weapon as soon as we get home. I am never playing damsel in distress again!”

  “I’d say you’ve got a real weapon,” commented Ray, suddenly completely at ease and a little bit sly.

  Claire looked at the grapple’s claws, now withdrawn into her wrist brace. “Maybe. Don’t you think it’s girly? It looks too much like a gymnastics ribbon. “

  Ray smirked. “I think you’re stuck with girly. Any weapon that isn’t adorable will interfere with your superpower.”

  Claire pouted. “I wish I had my mom’s power.”

  Ray’s smirk grew into a lurid grin. “Do you really want to know how the Puppeteers would have reacted to that?”

  As they snickered, I leaned against Ray and left them to it. How they could have energy after all that, I did not know. Listening to it certainly soothed my nerves.

  Unfortunately, a supervillain’s work is never done. I straightened up and looked over at Harvey. “How is the evacuation coming?”

  “See for yourself.” A round dome bulged out of the ceiling, opening to reveal a featureless black eye that lit up with a view of the hangar.

  It didn’t have sound, but we were just in time to see Remmy’s battle suit and Thompson face to face, with him pointing an accusing finger up at her. She pointed a finger back, and her mechanical arm fired a projectile point blank into his face. It looked like she’d fused dozens of those grappling disks into a reusable cannon. Picking up his now limp body, she carried it to the ramp of the Rotor ship and threw it inside.

  Everyone gathered around took this as a signal to crowd in themselves.

  Despite my exhaustion, my face lit up in a grin. Remmy was going to make a fantastic superhero.

  Harvey warned us, “We are still not out of danger. The gate was being watched. It will be reopened soon, and I will not be able to stop that. I do not know if my people, the Conquerors, or a race I have never heard of will come through, but it is only a matter of time.”

  I shook my head. “I was serious about blowing the gate and the whole moon anyway.”

  “Then you should evacuate. The cannibalization process is well under way. When I die, all biotools in Jupiter space will begin to degrade and die as well. Your vehicle was made separately, and should survive an
d keep Juliet alive.”

  I countered his matter of fact tone by reaching up and patting the hard-shelled mummy dangling from the ceiling. It was really just like touching a clay pot. “We’re all getting out of here alive. Can you open that gate to wherever you want? Like, the Red Herring?”

  “Only briefly. There is no gate to anchor the other side. If I leave, the detonation will stop.” He sounded doubtful now, confused. I hoped Juliet knew what to do with her semi-suicidal boyfriend. If anybody could cheer him up, she could.

  Perhaps an encouraging grin could start the process. I thumped his hard shell while his feelers waved erratically. “I guarantee I can rig this place to blow without you. I’ll do that, and we’ll all pile into the Red Herring and get away from here.” My other hand drifted, almost by itself, to the hard, round shape in my pouch. “If we could wake Vera, this would be perfect.”

  “Certainly. She will kill me as soon as she wakes up, however.”

  My thoughts stopped. I hadn’t actually been asking Harvey to wake her up. It hadn’t occurred to me he might be able to.

  A lot of things hadn’t occurred to me. Hadn’t I given Remmy some advice about that?

  “You can really wake her up?” I asked, because I couldn’t be this lucky, could I?

  “The reactivation signal is not difficult to mimic. Place her on the floor, or against any wall.”

  I pulled Vera out of my pouch, and… paused. Okay, this would need careful timing.

  Slipping off the Machine, I tossed it to Ray. He hopped up on Harvey like a monkey, the Machine’s jaws poised against the thick fleshy cord that held Harvey off the floor.

  Penelope’s Log: taking just a brief moment to reiterate: Harvey is so, so, so gross, even if he’s kinda nice. Returning to business now.

  “Open the gate to the Red Herring.”

  The archway under the grey stone gate lit up, showing the ship’s interior. Juliet lay half-buried in the wall. She looked asleep with her human eyes closed, but the red goat eyes on the sides of her head swiveled towards us. Blinking, she began wriggling free of the clinging flesh attached to her body. Criminy, did she and Harvey deserve each other. Yuck.