It Happened to Us

by François Houle

  “That man hadn’t lost his daughter,” he said. “Things change. Life can do that, beat you down.”

  “So fight back.”

  “I’m tired, Lori-Anne. Aren’t you? Life’s been beating me down since I was six.”

  “No it hasn’t. It wasn’t always bad and it won’t be forever. We just need to get through this together. Please, Matt, you’re not a quitter.”

  “Maybe your dad is right. Maybe I’m not the man you need.”

  “I don’t believe that.”

  “It doesn’t matter what you believe, I can’t give you what you want anymore.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because.”

  “Because why?” she said and put her hands together in front of her mouth. “Tell me why.”

  “Please, Lori-Anne,” he said. “I can’t do this.”

  “Do what?”

  “You cleaned out her room,” he said, his face hardening. “It was my sanctuary and you just went ahead and cleared it out. There’s nothing left of her in this house. Nothing. It’s like she never was. How could you do that?”

  “I’m sorry,” she said, her heart ripping apart her ribcage. “I just thought . . . you know, I’ve always been a doer. I just needed to do something, anything. I thought if her things weren’t here to remind us, that maybe it would help.”

  He looked toward the window again.

  “I didn’t mean to hurt you by cleaning out her room,” she said while tears spilled out of her eyes, leaving dark smudges of mascara down her cheeks. “I was just hoping to get you back. I need you. I miss you. I want you.”

  “What are we now? Without her, what are we? We’re nothing. Nothing.”

  Lori-Anne wiped her cheeks with her fingers. “That’s not true. We’re still who we were before Nadia.”

  “No we’re not,” he said, pounding the top of his desk. “Without Nadia, we’re just two people.”

  “We’re two people who once loved each other enough to have a child. We can still love each other without that child.”

  “I don’t think we can. Not after—” Mathieu stood and walked to the window. “Back then we could look forward to having kids. We can’t do that now. So what do we look forward to?”

  “Each other.”

  He kept his back to her. “Maybe that’s not enough.”

  “Why can’t it be?”

  Lori-Anne heard children’s screams and laughter waft through the open window, a sound that wilted her heart. A life without Nadia had never been her choice, and she wasn’t choosing a life without her husband either. Why couldn’t he see her? She was right here. She wasn’t going anywhere. She wouldn’t abandon him.

  “Mathieu, give us a chance.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Yes you can. You’re choosing not to.”

  He didn’t answer.

  “You’ll never forgive me, will you? You need someone to blame and I’m it. You’re giving up on us. You’re giving up on me.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Are you?” she said, her voice cool. “Maybe you didn’t take my dad’s money, but you’re sure taking the easy way out.”

  “I’m sorry,” he said again.

  EIGHTEEN

  July 2, 2012

  9:23 p.m.

  Lori-Anne, bag in hand, closed the front door. The rain had eased off a bit so she didn’t get too wet while she hurried to her car. She put the key in the ignition and looked back at the house. First Nadia, now her. There were a lot of endings lately, too many.

  She drove off, wondering if her life with Mathieu was really over.

  Minutes later she pulled into her sister-in-law’s driveway. She sat there for a few minutes, unable to get her legs to move. She’d chosen to come to Nancy’s because going to her parents wasn’t an option after what her father had done. What a mess her life was. All because of that stupid accident.

  “I’m sorry honey,” she said in a voice that was no more than a shaky whisper. “I’m so sorry I got mad at you and grabbed your phone and took my eyes off the road. I hope you can forgive me.”

  She felt it in her chest, that tightness that made it difficult to breathe, and then it rolled up to her shoulders, and it came out low and quiet, her grieving, like she was afraid to draw attention to herself. Or maybe she felt ashamed, because she’d brought all of this on herself, and Mathieu, and how could she blame him for not being able to forgive her? Like her mother had said, she needed to forgive herself first but at the moment it was pretty damn hard to do.

  It was impossible. She’d made so many mistakes over the last three months, beginning with her daughter and then her husband. Maybe she wasn’t all that different from her father, needing to control every aspect of her life. He’d lost Brad long ago, when he’d moved all the way to Vancouver to attend university and afterward had settled there, and Cory had been estranged from Samuel since he was a teenage boy and had brought home a boyfriend. And now, because of her own need to control, she’d lost Nadia and Mathieu.

  “You raised me well, Dad,” she said and slapped the steering wheel. “Damnit!”

  The front door opened and Lori-Anne saw Nancy standing in the doorway. She grabbed her bag and headed toward her sister-in-law.

  “You’re getting all wet,” Nancy said. “That bag tells me this isn’t exactly a social call.”

  “My life,” Lori-Anne said and followed Nancy into the house, “is a bloody mess.”

  The two women hugged and then made their way to the living room where they sat beside each other on the black leather couch.

  “What’s going on?”

  “I don’t even know where to begin,” Lori-Anne said and then over the next fifteen minutes she told Nancy everything.

  “Did he actually tell you he wanted a divorce?”

  She nodded. “He did. I still can’t believe it. I never thought I’d lose my husband. Not like this.”

  “I can totally relate.”

  Lori-Anne touched Nancy’s arm. “I’m so pathetic, spewing all this on you while you’ve got your own problems.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” Nancy said. “I’m actually doing okay. The kids, especially Nicholas, have been great. Now that I’ve got my head screwed back on, I’m sort of worried about Caitlin. She’s really hurting and I need to spend time with her.”

  “She’s going to be crushed when she hears about Matt and me.”

  “Let’s not tell her right away. Things can still work out.”

  “I suppose,” Lori-Anne said and rubbed her temples.

  “Are you okay?”

  “You wouldn’t have some Tylenol?”

  “I have some upstairs in the medicine cabinet. Be right back.”

  While Nancy ran upstairs, Lori-Anne went to the front window and peeked between the curtains. It was dark now and the road was quiet. No one walked by on the sidewalk. She turned toward the fireplace and saw pictures of Caitlin, Nicholas, Suzie, and Derek on the mantel. There were no pictures of Nancy and Jim.

  “Here you go,” Nancy said.

  Lori-Anne took the pills and cup of water Nancy handed her. “Thanks. Are the kids not here?”

  “They should be home soon. I always tell them to be home before dark, but do they listen?”

  Lori-Anne put the cup of water on the coffee table and sat down.

  “Oh boy! Insert foot in mouth. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”

  “Don’t apologize. Just love them as much as you can, and then love them more,” Lori-Anne said and fought oncoming tears. “I’ve got a case of the waterworks lately.”

  “I’ll join you.”

  The two women stood in the middle of the living room, tears running down their cheeks. Nancy fetched a box of tissues.

  “Okay, enough of that,” Lori-Anne said. “I need some good news. Come and sit and tell me what’s going on in your crazy world.”

  “Well, I decided that it was best to
give Jim his divorce and move on. I didn’t want to at first. He’s the only man I’ve ever been with. Isn’t that unheard of these days? Anyway, I was really scared when all this happened, you know, having to take care of myself and the kids. That’s why I started drinking. But the kids, like I said earlier, they’re so great, and they believe in me. Plus, they’re pretty pissed at their dad.”

  “I bet,” Lori-Anne said. “My brother’s an idiot.”

  Nancy shrugged. “I had some good years with him. We have four great kids. But you know? I’m ready to face life as a single woman. I look forward to it.”

  “What will you do?”

  “I have no idea,” Nancy said. “I know Jim will take care of us but I want to do something, get out there. Maybe I’ll go back to school and earn a degree.”

  “You should.”

  “Yeah, I should. Hang out with the hot young guys.”

  “Mrs. Robinson,” Lori-Anne said.

  They both laughed half-heartedly, as if they weren’t sure that the moment was right.

  “Aunt Lori-Anne! What are you two laughing about?” Caitlin said and closed the front door.

  “Oh, nothing,” Nancy said. “Just girl talk. Where were you? It’s getting late. You know I don’t like it when you’re out after dark.”

  “It’s summer mom, and I told you I was going to Joanne’s,” Caitlin said and sat on the loveseat across from them. “So you guys going to tell me what’s so funny?”

  “We’ll embarrass you,” Lori-Anne said.

  “Oh whatever,” Caitlin said. “So why’re you here?”

  Lori-Anne glanced at Nancy.

  “What?” Caitlin said. “Something’s going on. Tell me.”

  “We don’t know for sure, honey,” Nancy said. “So maybe we should wait until we know more.”

  Caitlin shot to her feet and came closer. “What’s going on?”

  Lori-Anne looked up at Caitlin. “Your uncle and I had a really big fight and I needed someone to talk to so I came here.”

  “You’re getting a divorce, aren’t you? Just like Mom and Dad.”

  “Your uncle is just being stupid,” Lori-Anne said. “I’m sure things will work out once we’ve both cooled off.”

  Caitlin backed away, shaking her head. “No. You can’t. You just can’t. You can’t let it happen. I’m going to go talk to him, he can’t do that, I won’t let him.”

  Caitlin rushed upstairs and came back down carrying her backpack.

  “What are you doing?” Nancy said.

  “I’m going over to talk to him. I packed my PJs so I can sleep there, so don’t wait up.”

  “You can’t bike now. It’s dark.”

  “Fine,” Caitlin said. “Then Aunt Lori-Anne can drive me.”

  Lori-Anne reached for her niece. “Sweetie, I’m not going home tonight. I came here to talk to your mom but also to ask if I can crash here. Uncle Mathieu needs some space right now.”

  “No!” Caitlin said and pulled from Lori-Anne. “I need to talk to him. He can’t do this. Nadia wouldn’t want this and I don’t want it either. Why are the adults in this family so fucking screwed up?”

  “That’s enough,” Nancy said. “I won’t have you talk like that. My daughter is not trailer trash.”

  “Mo-om,” Caitlin said in a whiny voice.

  Nancy held up a finger. “This isn’t your situation. It’s your aunt’s.”

  “But—”

  “We need to give your uncle some space,” Lori-Anne said. “And see what happens. I know you’re upset, but right now it’s what’s best.”

  “But—”

  “Caitlin!” Nancy said. “Your aunt is right. This is her problem, not yours, and you have to respect that. Your uncle needs time to think things through.”

  Caitlin dropped her backpack and crossed her arms. “I just want to help.”

  “I know you do,” Lori-Anne said. “And I thank you for it. But Uncle Mathieu needs to be left alone. He needs to make some tough decisions.”

  “How long?” Caitlin said.

  “I don’t know,” Lori-Anne said. “As long as he needs.”

  “But—”

  “No more buts,” Nancy said.

  “Fine,” Caitlin said. She grabbed her bag and climbed, heavy footed, the stairs to her room.

  “Poor kid,” Lori-Anne said.

  “A lot has happened in her life. She’s young. Sometimes she acts all grown up but inside she’s still my baby girl. I’ll go talk to her.”

  Lori-Anne stopped her. “Just let her sleep on it. Hopefully, things will get better, soon.”

  Nicholas came in, said hey to his aunt, and disappeared into the kitchen.

  “Don’t let that carefree attitude fool you,” Nancy said with a big smile. “He’s really been wonderful since Jim left. Takes care of things around here without being asked. Took care of me a few times that I’m not proud to admit. Maybe now that my life is getting back to normal, so will his.”

  “Hopefully he’s not keeping it all in.”

  “I had that same worry, but he’s always been level-headed,” Nancy said. “Come. Let’s get you settled for the night.”

  NINETEEN

  July 6, 2012

  1:00 p.m.

  On Friday July 6, 2012, Flore Delacroix was put to rest. The congregation was much older than it had been for Nadia, and Mathieu noticed that the mood wasn’t entirely gloomy, faces weren’t pained with grief, and an air of acceptance and hopefulness reigned.

  Mathieu reasoned the elderly were used to death, or at least had come to terms with it, and while he could understand that, it didn’t give him any reasons to pray. God had taken someone else from him, and how long before He took his grandfather?

  Soon they were headed for the cemetery where Father Russo said a last prayer and his grandmother’s urn was put into a small shallow grave next to Nadia’s. Mathieu moved to the side and watched his grandfather accept condolences. A lot of friends and acquaintances had come to the cemetery and it took nearly an hour before everyone was gone, except for Lori-Anne, her parents, and Nancy and the kids who stood a few feet away.

  “You okay, son?” Grandpa said.

  “Yeah.”

  “Your grandmother is in a better place. I’m sure she’s quite happy to see Denis again.”

  “What if there’s nothing else, Grandpa?”

  “What if there is?”

  Mathieu had no response to that.

  “Son, we’re all here just for a very short time. It’s what we do and who we love that make it all worthwhile. See that young lady over there,” he said and pointed toward Lori-Anne, “she’s the one that matters for you. Let all your anger go and go to her.”

  “I can’t.”

  “I think you can but you’re choosing not to.”

  Mathieu kicked a small stone. “It doesn’t matter.”

  “Of course it does,” Grandpa said. “Look there.”

  Mathieu looked at Nadia’s small headstone. The wording, which Lori-Anne had chosen carefully, was engraved beautifully.

  Nadia Bridgette Delacroix

  1998 – 2012

  Forever Missed

  Forever Loved

  “You remember the day you brought her home?”

  Mathieu felt the eight pounds in his arms as if it were yesterday. He’d stared at her sleeping face it seemed for hours. “I’ll never forget.”

  “That little girl was the outcome of your love for Lori-Anne. You can’t tell me that love is gone.”

  “I don’t know, Grandpa.” He swatted a mosquito on the back of his neck. “Not everyone is meant to stay with the same person their entire life. You and Grandma were lucky.”

  Grandpa tipped his fedora and wiped his forehead. “Luck had nothing to do with it. Like every married couple, we had to work at it. You don’t think I ever got mad at your grandmother? You don’t think she ever got mad at me? Hell, when your dad died and s
he fell into her own depression, why did I stick around? I could have taken the easy way out and left. But I put my own selfish needs aside and helped her, and you, because I loved you both.”

  Mathieu squinted at the sun. The day was too beautiful for a funeral. Then again, it fitted his grandmother’s outlook on life. To him, she’d always been smiling and happy and he had no recollection that she’d been anything else. He wondered if his grandfather was making it up, her depression, to try to coax him into seeing a doctor.

  “Maybe some time apart will help,” he said.

  Grandpa put his fedora back on. “I hope it does.”

  “Me too,” he said and watched Lori-Anne and her family come up and say a few words to his grandfather and then leave.

  “Well, guess we should get going,” Grandpa said.

  “Just like that?”

  “If you know your grandmother, she wouldn’t want us to just hang around here and be miserable. She’ll be with me no matter where I am. Come on, take me home.”

  “Sure,” Mathieu said and shot one more look at his daughter’s tombstone.

  Forever missed. Forever loved.

  Mathieu tried to swallow but his throat, suddenly parched, had shrivelled to the size of a pea.

  TWENTY

  July 20, 2012

  11:30 a.m.

  The ideal child starter bed, as Mathieu described it on his website and brochure, was done. He’d built the original one for Nadia when she was three and over the years it had become a parents’ favourite. He liked it because it wasn’t too high so kids could get in and out easily, and the built-in drawers were perfect for storing toys or extra clothing.

  This one, however, had been difficult to make. He knew it was for a three-year-old girl, and as he worked on it over the last few weeks, he remembered building the original for Nadia, and he’d have to take a break, wait for his hands to stop shaking and his mind to focus. He could see Nadia coming into the workshop and asking him if he was done, her sky-coloured eyes round and bright and full of expectation, and he’d chosen his words carefully so he wouldn’t see her crash with disappointment, telling her he was making it extra special just for her so he didn’t want to rush and make a mistake. He’d show her what he was working on, and after a few minutes she’d go back in the house and leave him be until the following day.