Fifth Born

by Zelda Lockhart

  Deddy was still asleep, so Leland saw Mama and us to the door. Yall go on. Ill talk to Loni.

  Lamont and Towanda went off down the street without the rest of us, without even turning around to say where they were going. Mama started to yell after them but realized that they were already gone and there was nothing she could do about it. She turned to Leland and smiled. Im gonna go on and do my shoppin.

  Leland looked down the street at Lamont and Towanda and popped his gum with a concerned look on his face. He smoothed his mustache with one hand and said, Leave them alone, they old enough to take care of themselves, but somethin gonna have to be worked out here. You got five more babies to do better for, girl. You didnt get away from Mississippi to have a bunch of miserable kids and be gettin the hell beat out of you every week. I never planned on sayin or doin nothin unless you asked for it, Bernice, but now you done asked. Im tellin you, you know you can do better for a man than the one you got.

  When we got in the car, Mama turned the key hard in the ignition, and to keep LaVern and Roscoe from suspecting that Leland was the man she wanted, she whipped the station wagon out of the parking space and said, Leland think he better than everybody else.

  We went to Sulards Market, and this time I stayed in the station wagon while she went in to shop. She left the heat on, and we gnawed on our Sulards sugar cane until all the sweetness was gone and the stalks were chewed down to shreds. Me, Roscoe, LaVern, Benson, and Daryl, quiet, all understanding different things about the cold of that morning.

  For Benson and Daryl, going to the market was a treat; they got to crawl all over the station wagon with no seat belts. For Roscoe, it was an opportunity to see if he could secretly look at the girls who went by. He didnt mind if they were black or white. On the Southside they were mostly Polish and German, and he knew if we saw him looking, we would make fun. For LaVern, it was just another unfortunate time that she was seen with her backward sisters and brothers. I gnawed nervously on my sugar cane, and wondered what Leland was saying to Deddy, wondered if I should have told somebody what I knew about Leland and Mama.

  10

  Letting Loose the Holy Spirit

  The next Friday I got to get out of school early and went with Mama to my yearly eye appointment. The ritual was worse every year, with Mama's occasional touch to show a doctor or nurse that she took good care of me, and then the reading of magazine after magazine in a lamp-lit waiting room with mothers and children. I watched her hands flip pages until the little boy and his mother were called and we were alone.

  Mama looked me in the eyes, and I felt her threat and looked away. "Why the hell are you watchin me read? Get a book and quit bein ignorant." Each year, this visit made her angry, and she strained to be good to me in public.

  "Yes, ma'am," I said, and those were the only words between us for the four hours. I went home with new glasses. This time I picked out frames that were big octagons with tortoiseshell plastic. I thought the frames made me look sophisticated,but with my left lens a half-inch thick, my eyes looked different sizes.

  When Devon and Gretal came down for the club meeting, Gretal took one look at me and said, Odessa, you uglier than Mrs. Beasley from Family Affair. I laughed with her to keep from feeling the pain of her joke.

  Mama got dressed for the club meeting and carried Daryl into the girls room, where we were preparing for our cousins by making a wrestling ring and finding the TV Guide. In her tight tavern dress Mama was round. Her large breasts bulged above her scooped collar. Her hips and butt pressed against the blue sequins. After seven kids, and weekends of club meetings, she didnt have the same smooth brown skin, but she was round in all the right places. With makeup to cover her bruised face, she looked beautiful like when I was little.

  When Mama shut the door to the girls room, Gretal yelled, Anybody want to play Ella Mae?

  Gretal hadnt asked that in a long time. Lamont laughed out loud at Gretal, his voice deeper now. Girl, you aint never gonna get enough of playin that game. I thought after Ella Mae beat on you, youd leave her alone.

  We all started laughing, except for LaVern, who thought she was above playing the dozens. Gretal laughed too. You just jealous because Im two feet taller than you.

  Laughter broke out again.

  Lamont pretended to ignore her, letting his voice drop into a drawl. Ella Mae! Ella Mae! Gretal, you the only country fool left who believes some crazy woman is hangin out in peoples bathroom mirrors. I was holdin the door the day Ella Mae got hold of your butt. You couldnt get out because I wouldnt let you out.

  Gretal leaped across the room. Her brand-new pleated skirtflew up over her head, and in one wrestling move, she had Lamont on the floor, punching him in his arm. Her face was blotchy red with embarrassment and anger. Her cheeks filled with air to help her hold back tears.

  Lamont was screaming and laughing in a high-pitched voice, Ouch! Ouch! Oh, yeah, youre really hurting me.

  Finally Gretal got up, conscious of her skirt and the way she straddled Lamont. She came and sat down next to me, and just stared at him like she was trying to make him explode.

  He turned halfway around from the TV, still laughing. You dont scare me, girl. Think you so tough. I got my eye on you too. You better not try to leave out of this room.

  Lamont took pride in making Gretal break, in making her ashamed of being country when nobody else could make her ashamed of anything. He flexed his new muscles, knowing that, even though he was short, none of us was a match for him.

  Lamont told me one day, I know Gretals weakness. She may be taller than me, but she hates it when she finds out that something she had all figured out is all wrong. If you wanna get her back for hangin out with LaVern, tell her something like, I didnt wanna say nothin, but Devon had you from sleepin with a white man. It wont matter if its a lie, cause she dont know who her daddy is anyway.

  After the music was loud and the stomping had gone on for two TV shows, Gretal pinched me on the behind. Hey, Four Eyes, I bet I can go out there and drink some liquor.

  And get your behind beat. I was learning to use Gretals fast language back at her.

  Come on, go with me, unless you scared.

  She chanted, Four Eyes, Four Eyes, then stuck out her tongue and used her index fingers to make circles around hereyes. I thought about how with glasses I looked like a Goody Two-shoes, and how the one thing LaVern couldnt stand was when Gretal was being bad. So we waited until Lamont was in a trance, his eyes locked on the TV, and we snuck out.

  We stood in the living room next to where Aint Fanny sat in the La-Z-Boy. Gretal was making fart noises in my ear. I was terrified of what Aint Fanny would do to her, but Aint Fanny was lost in the moment, howling out the blues the same way she used to shout in church. She was whooping and laughing at Mama, who was dancing with Deddy, both of them in the middle of the floor stomping and popping their fingers, their shoulders up near their ears.

  Each year that passed, Aint Fanny got further and further away from her favorite saying, The sanctified have God to get drunk on. Let every day be the Lords day.

  Eventually she just blended in to the Blackburn/Lacey picture more than Uncle Chet did. Uncle Chet still spent Saturdays fishing at the park, unless it was too cold; then he sat home in front of the console watching the football game. He ignored Aint Fannys new behavior, saying, The Lord will pull her back from her grief before she gets too far.

  Ever since Aint Fanny started having evening wine before and after dinner, we got to see LaVern a lot more than Aint Fanny would have liked. Dont be thinkin, just cause I let you baby-sit her when I aint feelin well, that you can have my daughter, Bernice.

  Her proper Detroit accent had faded and left her talking just like all the other aunts and uncles from Mississippi.

  Aint Fanny sprang up from the chair to join Mama and Deddy. Lets cut a rug tonight, yall. Hot damn! Gretal leaned her face into the seat of the chair, Uuun, her butt stinks!

  Shhhhh, I whispered, holding on to her pale, ski
nny arm,trying not to laugh. I stared at the scene in our living room. Aint Fanny had her favorite church dress hiked up to her knees, her stockings drooped. She looked the same way when she was shouting in church, sweating, with her clothes falling away from her. In church, when she raised her dress and rubbed her thighs, the ushers swarmed over her in praise, because Aint Fanny was dignified and everybody didnt need to be looking up her dress while she was letting loose the Holy Spirit. But here in our living room, she was drunk and trying to do the Funky Chicken.

  It all made me nervous and ashamed: the faded green La-Z-Boy with the brown tape still covering the place where Deddy cut it with his army knife, Aint Fannys hands on her ashy knees, her stockings now down around her ankles, her legs opening and closing. I wanted to disappear, but instead my mouth flew open, my head jerked back. I exploded into laughter that pushed the waiting tears out of my eyes. I laughed loose, like Grandeddy and Mama.

  Gretal grabbed a glass from the hi-fi, and we went giggling down the hall into the bathroom, where she drank the brown alcohol one sip at a time. She used my toothbrush to brush her cracked tongue while watching me out the corner of her eye.

  Why you always using my toothbrush without even askin? I had calmed down to a grin now and was feeling close to Gretal.

  It dont matter whose toothbrush. Im gonna rinse it out.

  Why you always brushin your tongue? Thats probably why its cracked. I wanted Gretal to know how it felt to have someone point out something different about her, like she always did to me, but she seemed unbothered.

  Nah, my tongue cracked because I had my mouth open when I was inside my Ma. Ma said I was probably tryin to talk from in there.

  Even if I was trying to point out a weakness, like Lamont suggested, Gretal just took it as an opportunity to boast about herself.

  Uncle Loni told me that brushin my tongue is the only way to get all the germs out. Anybody can brush they teeth, but that dont mean they mouth clean.

  I was so tired of how Gretal acted like she was closer to everybody in my family than I was. She spit in the sink and slurped rinse water out of her cupped hand, then turned to me with her hand on one hip. You believe in God and stuff?

  I guess.

  You caint guess. Either you think theres a God who is lookin at us right now standin in this bathroom, listnn to everything we say, or you dont!

  I dont want to talk about not believin in God cause if I say no and there is a God, Im goin to hell.

  But if there aint no God and you spend all your time thinkin there is one, then you gonna be mad when you find out all thisGretal was getting red and exasperated; she held her hands out, gesturing to the wallsthat everything is a bunch of bull.

  Why you makin such a big deal out of it? I rolled my neck now, annoyed with her. Anyway, Gretal, you said you got baptized down in Mississippi. Whether theres a God or not, you got it made. But Im gonna be in all kindsa trouble if I end up dead and in hell cause I never been baptized. At least youre saved.

  Gretal laughed out loud like Devon when she was drunk.

  I dont feel saved. I feel like no matter how good a job Ma got, or what she buy me, no matter how clean my teeth is, no matter how many times I paint my nails, no matter how many times them old black women down at the beauty shop permmy hair, I feel like caint nothin keep me from sin and sin from me. I just feel dirty.

  We were only ten years old, talking like we heard our mothers talk.

  I tried to think about everything she had just said, but it was all a jumble of facts about sin and nail polish and good hair. Gretal, I dont know what youre even talkin about.

  She sat down on the edge of the tub and had to steady herself to keep from falling in. Thats when I knew she was drunk and talking out of her head.

  I steadied myself too, stepping high over the crumpled bath rug. I reached up and turned off the light and said to Gretal, Wanna play Ella Mae? She giggled, limp in the dark, the depth of her Mississippi twang full in her mouth. Okay, Odessa, but you gonna call her up this time, because I aint gonna have her lookin for me in this bathroom. She laughed again and grabbed my arm to keep from falling over in the tub.

  I stared into the mirror, frightened but giggling. I challenged her, Ella Mae! Ella Mae! There was nothing but the thumping of club meeting music and laughter in the distance beyond the bathroom door. I searched the mirror for her eyes and felt the depth of my own, and there she was, her eyes hungry on me. I waited for fear to seize me, but warmth moved up from my insides like the time I stood in the backyard, shielded by the laundry hanging on the line, and lifted my shirt to let the sun shine on my smooth brown belly. Her eyes were fierce but gentle, familiar, and I let go of a cluster of knots that had formed in my gut. I heard myself whimper and I reached out to touch her face, but Gretal flicked on the light. My hand went blunt against the mirror, and I stared at my own teary face, searching for what I could no longer see.

  Come on, Odessa, I got to lie down.

  I saw her, Gretal, and I wasnt afraid. She was beautiful, like Granmama.

  Gretal strained to look at me through the haze of her drunkenness. Girl, what are you crying for?

  I dont know, Gretal, but I saw her, I did for real.

  You gotta learn how to hold your liquor better, girl.

  I dried my eyes and agreed with Gretal, though I knew that I had seen something, and it had not frightened me but had comforted me. We staggered from the bathroom and stepped back into the Blackburns Friday night.

  11

  In the Silence

  The next morning Mama held the ice pack to her jaw when she called Leland. When he got to our house, he picked me up. "Now, what a wonderful idea. If you want to keep them beautiful eyes for a long time, keep puttin them behind them protective glasses, keep anybody from stealin them." He chewed his gum, popping it between his perfectly white teeth.

  "You don't think I'm ugly?" I asked, half smiling.

  "You cain't be ugly." He laughed. "Hell, you good-lookin like me, and if you ugly, I'm ugly, and this country boy ain't hardly ugly." I giggled and took the stick of chewing gum he pulled from behind my ear.

  Leland took one good look at Mama's face and announced in front of us kids, like he was doing a speech, "If you really want help, you gonna have to leave Loni, and let me work him out of where he's at with drinkin. Me and him got a whole messof things we done had to live through, most of which I seen my way clear of. But my little brotha got all kinds of ghosts still chasing him, and caint nobody really help him, except somebody hes known all his life.

  Us kids scattered to our separate places. Lamont left the house with his football uniform and Towanda with her tuba. LaVern put her hair up in a twist and complained about how uncivilized it was for Baby Daryl to be picking his bottle up off the floor and putting it back in his mouth. Roscoe went to get his shoes on, anxious to get to the market, while Mama got Benson and Daryl dressed.

  I went to the bathroom and turned off the lights. I whispered softly, Granmama, but didnt see anything in the mirror except the outline of my own face. Outside the door I could hear Leland whispering to Mama, Dont worry, baby girl, I got you, then silence between the sound of wet lips kissing. I stared at the bathroom door, trying not to breathe.

  The door unlatched, and Leland flicked on the light. What you doin in here, miss?

  He was happy, almost intoxicated. His mustache outlined his smile. He went over to the sink and started washing his hands.

  I asked him, Leland, sometime can you show me the trick with shot glasses and a peanut? I was stalling so I wouldnt see Mama in the hall. He laughed big and said, Girl, you kids dont never get sick of me doin them tricks. I tell you what, when yall get back from the market, Ill ask your mama if you can come down to the tavern and see the place.

  Just me, not everybody? I almost swallowed the piece of fingernail I was biting.

  Just you. Leland laughed at how shocked I was that he was going to let me see his tavern. Immediately, I thoughtabout how this
would top the Aint Fanny stuff and make LaVern real jealous.

  Leland laughed again. Now go on out of here.

  I ran outside and got in the station wagon with everybody else. At the corner Mama turned around and sent me back in for the diaper bag. Inside I first heard bodies against the walls like thunder. Deddy and Leland were in the hallway struggling, Deddys fist clutching a knife, desperate grunts, last breaths, sounds men dont allow themselves to make, and then he spoke. I remember that he spoke something very quietly before it happened.

  If I closed my eyes and blocked out the sound of my own screams, of Mama running down the hall, of the click of the dead bolt on the front door when she doubled back to keep LaVern, Roscoe, and the boys from coming in, then I could almost awaken his words. Deddys hairy arms broke time, my mind was begging, Please, but I did not move.

  All I could conjure afterward was the color red, almost purple like the wine of communion. A dry burning beneath my skin, then eyes afraid, lifeless eyes, nothing else until the ambulance and the police car. We were standing on the porch, and they were pulling away, slow. I remember Mamas voice. In self-defense, she said over and over, shaking her head, tears flowing like a winding river over high cheekbones.

  That night, Mama scrubbed the floor with Comet, then bleached it, but the bloodstain pushed up through the puckered wood. In the morning she had men come and cover the floors with wall-to-wall carpeting. She said, Im tired of my house looking all shabby, and all kinds of company is gonna be up in here for the wake.

  She moved the furniture, painted the walls, patched the dented places. High on a ladder that I quietly held, she reachedabove her head to the bathroom ceiling to patch the water stains. This numbed her and made her peaceful about the things we had both witnessed. But in my ears, sirens screeched all day, all night, to kill the demons in our house.

  When we buried Uncle Leland, it was a beautiful fall day. The sun not quite warm, but white light where orange and red leaves showered the graveyard, headstones like bones jutting up out of the color green. Blackburns and Laceys, all of Mount Zions children, stood like impatient birds waiting for Reverend Richards to break the silence.