Broke

by Mandasue Heller

  Claudine came back just then from speaking with her church friend and, clocking the expression of annoyance on her son’s face, and her daughter’s cocky stance, she guessed what was going on and cuffed the girl on the shoulder as she passed her.

  ‘Don’t even t’ink about startin’ none a your foolishness,’ she warned. ‘Your brother welcome to bring him friend home, and if you don’t like it, go to your room.’

  The girl kissed her teeth and tossed Amy a look of undisguised disgust before marching out.

  ‘I’m calling a cab,’ Kelvin told his mother when she’d gone. ‘I’m going to take Amy to her mum and dad’s.’

  ‘It’s for the best,’ Claudine said approvingly. Then, smiling down at Amy, she nodded at the almost empty bowl. ‘You c’yan eat no more?’

  ‘No, that was really filling,’ Amy lied. ‘And absolutely delicious. Thank you.’

  The taxi arrived five minutes later. Claudine gave her son a hug goodbye before turning to Amy. ‘You tek care, y’ hear? An’ stay ’way from dem bad mens in future.’

  ‘Oh, don’t worry, I will,’ Amy agreed, desperate to get out of there. Kelvin’s mother had been very nice, but if looks could kill Amy would have been stone dead within a minute of stepping foot in the house. And the sister would happily have helped her on her way with a knife between the eyes.

  Kelvin’s flat was on the third floor of a tower block in a run-down part of Rusholme. It was the first place the council had offered him, and his family and friends had said he needed his head testing when he told them he was taking it, but it was exactly what he’d been praying for. If his mother had had her way, she’d have kept him tied to her apron strings for life. But a twenty-five-year-old man needed his own space, and Kelvin still got a kick out of being able to go home and close the door on the world. Nobody ever bothered him there, and it was only a ten-minute bus ride to work and a fifteen-minute one to his mother’s house, so it was perfect.

  He led Amy in and waved her into the tiny living room, saying, ‘I’ll show you to your room in a bit. Just let me find some sheets. It’s only a fold-down bed, by the way. I hope that’s okay?’

  ‘I’d sleep right here if I had to,’ Amy assured him, flopping down on his couch and relaxing for the first time all day.

  Her wrist had started to throb again, so she reached into her pocket for the painkillers that the hospital pharmacist had given her before she discharged herself. The doctor had wanted her to stay another night to make sure there was no internal damage from the smoke she’d inhaled, but Kelvin had arrived by then and she’d been desperate to get out before Yates turned up. If he had got his hands on her, smoke damage would have been the least of her worries.

  Kelvin brought her a glass of water to wash her tablets down, and said, ‘I’ll make you a cup of tea when the kettle’s boiled. And I’ll run you a bath, if you want to get cleaned up. You should be all right if you put a plastic bag over the plaster.’

  ‘You don’t have to wait on me,’ Amy said guiltily, aware that he’d come straight to the hospital from work. ‘Go to bed. I can look after myself.’

  ‘Just want to make sure you’ve got everything you need first,’ said Kelvin, putting his cigarettes and lighter down on the table beside her. ‘Help yourself if you want a smoke. And I know you’re not really hungry, but do you think you could manage a piece of toast? The nurse reckoned those tablets are really strong, so I think you should have something in your stomach.’

  ‘Considering all the smack I’ve taken over the last few months, I doubt the pills are going to do me any harm,’ Amy murmured.

  Kelvin gave her a worried look. ‘Do you think you’ll be able to cope without it?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Amy admitted. ‘But I’ve got to try, or Mark will never let me see the kids.’

  As soon as the words left her mouth, Amy’s face crumpled. Kelvin sat down and pulled her into his arms.

  ‘Hey, don’t cry. He’s bound to let you see them once he knows you’re making an effort.’

  ‘What if he doesn’t?’ Amy sobbed. ‘I miss them so much.’

  ‘Trust me, he will,’ Kelvin whispered. ‘Now stop worrying. I’m here, and I’m going to look after you.’

  Amy closed her eyes and laid her head against his broad chest. Mark had always told her that he would look after her, but while she had always known that he meant it she’d never fully believed that he was actually capable of doing it. But Kelvin wasn’t like Mark. He wasn’t weak, and he didn’t speak just for the pleasure of hearing his own voice. He was strong, and genuine, and he treated his mother with respect – the mark of a real man, in Amy’s eyes. It was going to be tough, but with Kelvin’s support she truly believed she could beat the addiction.

  What she would do after that, she had no idea. But, for now, she just had to take it one step at a time.

  The withdrawal kicked in with a vengeance a short time after Kelvin went to bed, and Amy felt like she was going insane as she paced the room from window to wall and back again. The craving was all-consuming, and only one thing would take it away: a fix. Just one little fix. One tiny little fix to take the edge off, and then she’d be able to start kicking it.

  She stared at the people walking by on the street down below and contemplated going out to ask if any of them knew where she could score. She was completely broke, but Kelvin’s jacket was draped over the back of the couch and, as the agonising cravings grew, so too did the temptation. Unable to resist, she slid her hand into his pocket.

  There was nothing in there, and she was flooded with shame when it occurred to her that Kelvin might have emptied it before he went to bed because he had known that she would search it. He had been so kind, and yet, first chance she’d got, she had been about to steal from him.

  Disgusted with herself, she went to bed and prayed for sleep to release her. But it didn’t come, and as the minutes ticked slowly by, the pain grew and grew.

  Kelvin got up at five and tried to persuade Amy to eat something, but she couldn’t stomach anything. He looked in on her again before going to work, and wished that he could magic the pain away when he saw her shaking from head to toe. But they had talked about this earlier, and Amy had insisted that no matter how bad it got or how much she pleaded, he wasn’t to cave in and get her anything.

  ‘I’ve got to go,’ he told her, squatting beside the bed. ‘Are you going to be all right?’

  Amy gritted her teeth and nodded.

  ‘I know you’re not really supposed to drink with those painkillers,’ Kelvin went on softly, ‘but if it gets too bad there’s a bottle of JD on the sideboard. And if you need me, ring me and I’ll come straight back. Okay?’

  ‘Just go,’ said Amy, wishing that he would stop fussing. He was lovely, but her nerves were already screaming, and the sound of his voice was making her feel physically sick.

  Kelvin sighed and stood up. He gazed down at her for a moment, then looped his bag over his shoulder and left.

  When Amy heard the front door click shut behind him she released the sob she’d been holding in. It was already unbearable and she didn’t know how she was going to manage another minute, never mind hour, or day. But she had to try – if not for herself, then for the kids.

  As she tossed and turned the next few hours away, Amy struggled to keep an image of the kids at the forefront of her mind. But all she could think about was smack. She wanted it, needed it, and every fibre of her being was craving it.

  The bed was already sweat-soaked, but when she threw up on the duvet cover she dragged herself into the living room. Unable to sit still, and too weak to pace, she stepped out onto the tiny balcony. Tears streamed from her eyes when the wind whipped into her raw flesh like a million knife slashes, and she put her foot on the bar at the bottom of the iron railing and stared down at the road below, wondering how long it would take to land if she fell.

  Terrified of merely breaking something and causing herself even more pain, she quickly stepped down a
nd rushed back inside. The blister pack of tablets was still sitting on the table. She grabbed the bottle of JD and twisted the cap off, then popped all the tablets out of the pack and shoved them into her mouth.

  The kids already didn’t want to see her, and they would soon forget all about her if she was gone. And it would certainly be a weight off Mark’s mind, because he’d be free to get on with his life without worrying about her popping up to ruin things. And her mum and dad would be relieved, too. They had already washed their hands of her, and she couldn’t blame them because she had shamed them in the most unforgivable way. She just hoped that they would find it in their hearts to bury her so that she wouldn’t have to spend eternity in an unmarked grave. But she would understand if they didn’t want to waste any more time or money on her.

  Tears rolling down her cheeks, she drank from the bottle until it was empty, then lay down on the couch and waited for death.

  Kelvin eased the bedroom door open when he got home from work the next morning. Knocked back by the stench of vomit and sweat, he saw that Amy’s bed was empty and went to the living room. Amy was lying on the couch with his coat pulled up over her shoulders. Her face was grey, and she didn’t seem to be breathing.

  ‘Oh, no,’ he moaned, dropping his bag and running to her. ‘Please, no . . .’

  He touched her face, but snatched his hand back when he felt the icy coldness of her skin and pulled his mobile phone out of his pocket. About to call for an ambulance, he hesitated when Amy made a noise.

  ‘Amy?’ He dropped to his knees beside her and shook her gently. ‘Amy . . . wake up.’

  ‘What’s wrong?’ she whispered, peeling her eyes open.

  ‘Oh, thank God!’ he croaked. ‘I thought you were dead. Don’t ever do that to me again.’

  ‘Sorry. I must have fallen asleep.’

  ‘How are you feeling?’

  ‘Not too good, everything’s aching.’

  Kelvin looked around for her tablets, and a cold chill ran through him when he saw the empty packet lying on the floor next to the empty bottle. ‘Oh, Jeezus, Amy, please don’t tell me you tried to kill yourself?’

  ‘No.’ Amy blushed and shook her head. ‘I just wanted to forget about it all.’

  ‘Swear?’

  ‘I swear.’

  Kelvin was shaken, but he wanted to believe her – had to, because the alternative would make it impossible to leave her on her own again.

  ‘Right, I’m going to ring my doctor when the surgery opens,’ he said decisively. ‘This obviously isn’t going to be as easy as we thought, so I’ll get him to do a home visit – see if there’s anything he can give you to help you through it.’

  ‘No!’ A look of terror leapt into Amy’s eyes. ‘I can’t see anyone. What if Lenny—’

  ‘Don’t worry about him,’ Kelvin interrupted. ‘I’ve already seen him, and he doesn’t suspect a thing.’

  ‘How do you know?’

  ‘He turned up at work just before we opened last night and asked if anyone had seen you. I played dumb, and the girls obviously couldn’t tell him anything, so it’s all good.’

  ‘You sure he believed you?’

  ‘I doubt I’d still be here if he hadn’t,’ said Kelvin, smiling as he stood up. ‘Think you can manage a cup of tea?’

  ‘I’ll try,’ said Amy, pushing the coat off her legs. ‘Have you got a washing machine? I made a bit of a mess of your sheets, but I’ll wash them in the bath if you haven’t got one.’

  ‘Don’t worry about it,’ Kelvin said, pushing her gently back down when she tried to get up. ‘You just stay there and rest. I’ll fetch you my quilt.’

  ‘No, you need it,’ Amy protested. ‘I’m all right with your coat.’

  ‘Quit arguing and let me look after you,’ Kelvin ordered. ‘I’ve got a blanket in the cupboard – that’ll do me. Now just lie down.’

  Amy thanked Kelvin when he fetched his quilt and laid it over her. Shivering by now, she pulled it up around her throat and closed her eyes when his scent rose up to her nose. It smelled clean and manly, and it made her feel even more dirty than she already knew she was. It was no wonder he hadn’t wanted to tell his mum that he was bringing her here: he was probably ashamed of her – and rightly so.

  She was asleep when Kelvin came back with her tea, so he left the cup on the table and tiptoed into her room. After stripping her bed and putting the soiled sheet and duvet cover into the washing machine, he jumped in the shower and then climbed into bed.

  He was already knackered, and this was going to get a lot more tiring before it was over, he was sure. But he was all Amy had right now, so he would just have to find the strength to deal with it.

  27

  It was three weeks before Amy turned the corner, but she knew she was through the worst when she woke up one morning thinking about the kids instead of craving heroin. But as bad as the physical pain had been during that time, it was nothing compared with the guilt that now swamped her. Without the smack to dull her thoughts and stop her from feeling, the full horror of what she’d exposed the kids to hit her. She would never forgive Mark for bringing Yates into her life, but she had to admit that he’d done the right thing in taking their children away from her. Cassie and Bobby were her life, but she’d neglected them when they had needed her the most, and she was grateful to Mark for saving them. And, as much as it still killed her to think of Ginger Jenny taking her place, she was even grateful to her, because at least the children were being looked after by somebody who cared about them and wouldn’t put them in danger like she had done.

  But that didn’t mean that she was going to let the bitch steal her children from her for good. It wasn’t going to be easy to convince the social workers that she was fit to have them back, but she was determined to do it. The first thing she had to do was find a new place for them to live. Even if the old house was still standing after the fire, she couldn’t go back. She had too many enemies round there; too many idiots who had been taken in by Yates and would probably get straight on the phone to him if they saw her. It saddened her, because that house had been her and Mark’s first proper home together, and everything she owned was still in there. But that life was over, so she was just going to have to get over it.

  Filled with a new determination to get her life back on track, she got up and took a bath, then set about cleaning the flat to repay Kelvin for putting up with her.

  Kelvin was surprised when he came home from work to find not only the flat spotless, but Amy looking and smelling clean, with a light in her eyes and a fresh glow to her skin. It was the first time he had ever seen her like this since he’d met her, and he liked it.

  ‘Does this mean you’re feeling a bit better?’ he ventured.

  ‘A lot better,’ said Amy, smiling for the first time in ages. ‘Sit down – I’ll make you a cup of tea. I’d make you some toast as well,’ she added sheepishly, ‘but I finished the bread. Hope you don’t mind?’

  ‘Mind?’ Kelvin followed her to the kitchen and leaned against the door frame. ‘I’m made up that you’ve finally got your appetite back, babe.’

  As soon as the word left his mouth, Amy blushed, and Kelvin mentally kicked himself. So many men had already taken advantage of her, and now she probably thought he was trying to do the same. Idiot!

  ‘I’ll, er, go and get cleaned up,’ he said. ‘Won’t be long.’

  Amy put her hands on the counter top when he’d gone and exhaled a shaky breath. The word hadn’t meant anything, and Kelvin had obviously been horrified by her reaction because he hadn’t been able to get away fast enough. She was a stupid, stupid woman, and she wouldn’t blame him if he never spoke to her again.

  ‘I’ve decided to ring the council when the office opens,’ she told him when he came back.

  ‘Oh, right,’ Kelvin murmured, trying not to let his disappointment show. ‘Are you sure you’re ready?’

  Amy shrugged. ‘Probably not, but I’ve got to do it sooner or later or I�
�ll never get the kids back. Anyway, I’ve been here long enough, and you need your own space back.’

  ‘I’m cool,’ Kelvin assured her, annoyed with himself for scaring her off. God only knew where she was going to end up now thanks to his over-familiarity. A hostel, a park bench, maybe even back to Yates – any of which would be bad, and it would be his fault if anything happened to her. But he could hardly ask her to stay now that she’d made it clear that she wanted to go.

  After drinking his tea, Kelvin went to bed. But, exhausted as he’d been when he’d left work, he couldn’t get to sleep. It hadn’t been a barrel of laughs watching Amy suffer, but her presence was all over the place and he would miss her when she was gone. He’d always thought she was pretty, but without the stress she was beautiful. And, as rare as they were, her smiles lit up the room – and his heart.

  He was still lying there deep in thought when Amy eased the door open a short while later.

  ‘Are you awake?’

  ‘Yeah, what’s up?’

  ‘I’ve just spoken to a woman at the council.’

  ‘Oh, yeah?’ Kelvin sat up. ‘What did she say?’

  ‘It’s all a bit of a mess,’ Amy told him miserably, sitting down on the end of the bed. ‘She said my rent hasn’t been paid in ages. They must have cut my benefits off after I stopped signing on, but I was out of my head back then so I couldn’t keep track of when I was supposed to do what. Anyway, they sent someone round to see me about it, but one of the neighbours told them I’d done a runner, so now they’re in the process of getting a repossession order.’

  ‘Shit,’ Kelvin murmured. ‘What you gonna do?’

  ‘I don’t know.’ Amy shrugged. ‘I told her I had no choice about leaving, ’cos someone set the house on fire while I was in there and I was too scared to go back. But she reckons I need to get a crime number off the police before they’ll consider stopping the court proceedings.’

  ‘Well, you can get that, can’t you?’

  ‘No.’ Amy shook her head. ‘I never told the police anything when they questioned me. I didn’t even know about the fire, and there was no way I was going to grass Lenny up for hitting me, so none of it was logged.’