by Alice Raine
Unfortunately, instead of falling straight to sleep, one of my hands felt out to the cold sheets next to me, and I couldn’t help but let out a dry sob at the realisation that I wouldn’t be curling up with Sean tonight. Every time my fingers clenched and unclenched in the sheets I felt a sharp, stabbing pain in my heart, the loss of Sean leaving my chest, and life, feeling raw and empty.
The dry snuffles began to turn to cries, and then before I could get control over myself my entire body was jack-knifing with huge, heaving sobs. Tears began to fall from my eyes, burning my cheeks and soaking the sheets as the full anguish of the day finally hit me.
Chapter Nine
Sean
I must have sat there stock-still, staring at the phone in my hand, for at least five minutes. Allie had actually hung up on me. Hung up. Shaking my head, I lifted the mobile to my ear again just to triple check that the line was dead. Compete silence. Fuck. I couldn’t believe it.
In our short time together, Allie had come to understand how obsessed I was with keeping her safe. She knew how vitally important it was for me to be able to get in touch with her, so surely she wouldn’t go through with her threat to disconnect her number? By this point my hand was clenched around my phone so tightly that my knuckles looked snowy white in the pale light of my bedroom, and I was amazed the plastic casing hadn’t given in and crumpled in my fist.
Quickly hitting the re-dial button, I waited impatiently as the number went through, but after several quiet clicks there were three loud beeps and then an automated voice. ‘The number you are calling is currently unavailable, please leave a message or contact the service provider for more information.’ Swallowing hard, I pressed the disconnect button as I felt the blood draining from my face.
She’d actually done it.
Now there was no way I could get in touch with her, and judging from the mood she was in, she wouldn’t be sending me her nightly text to tell me she was OK either. This was my very worst nightmare coming true before my eyes. What the fuck was I going to do?
A wheezing breath left my lungs and I found myself struggling to draw in new air to replace it. Had she really meant it when she said she was no longer mine? Fuck. Roughly thumping my fist into my chest I tried to knock some air into my useless lungs as my chest tightened in the first stages of a panic attack. This had been simmering in my system all day so I wasn’t really surprised it was finally getting a proper grip on me – my muscles clenching, lungs shutting down, and heart pounding at a frighteningly furious rate. Fuck.
My vision went blurry as my brain went into full-on anxiety mode so I did the only thing I could do, and let out a groan, allowing my failing legs to sink me down onto the mattress. Trying to steady my swimming head I rested it in my hands, the cold plastic of my mobile pressing into my temple uncomfortably.
Right from the start, when I’d felt how potent our connection was, I had always suspected it would be this bad if I ever messed things up with Allie – or God forbid, lost her. The hellish two weeks after our first snow-bound week together had proved that to me; we’d been apart and not even technically a couple and the stress of that separation had just about done me in.
The accident with Elena all those years ago had completely screwed me up when it came to women. I hadn’t even loved Elena, but the thought that she might have died because I hadn’t been there to save her had never gone away, always lodged at the back of my brain like an annoying little itch. I’d avoided developing overly emotional relationships with women ever since, only allowing myself a fling every now and then, and always with women I knew I’d be able to walk away from.
But then I’d met Allie.
She had dropped into my life on that snowy day last December like a bolt from the blue, all long legs, blonde hair, innocent eyes, and that gorgeous smile. And her spunk was something else entirely. She hadn’t taken my moody shit at all, which had endeared her to me even more. The way I instantly felt about her had hit me like a punch to the gut. Right from the start I’d known that I was connected to her on some weird, cellular level, and that I would be getting myself into deep water if I started a relationship with her.
It was the very reason that I’d tried to resist it at first, attempting to push her away by being stroppy and unapproachable. Not that I’d tried very hard; I think I’d managed to last two days until I was seducing her in my office and fucking her on the desk.
My experience with Elena had screwed me up, that was for sure, but after much counselling and therapy, I’d managed to regain stability over my need to control everything in my life. All except for Allie, that was. There was no controlling her, not really. She might let me lead our bedroom activities, but there was no doubting who had who by the balls.
Luckily Allie had been amazingly understanding when I’d explained what had happened with Elena all those years ago, and had helped me develop some strategies to minimise my concern for her safety. One of those was a daily text, which had been working a treat to put my mind at ease about her well-being before I went to bed. But now it looked like I wouldn’t be getting those messages any more. Not tonight, anyway.
Blinking hard, I tried to clear my eyes as I glared at the phone again as if it had just personally stabbed me in the heart. I have no idea how I resisted the urge to fling the bloody thing at the wall. But I held back, just. If Allie chose to call me – and that seemed like a pretty big ‘if’ – but if she called, I needed my phone to be in working order.
My free hand came up to run through my hair as I tried to work out what the hell had happened in the last forty minutes. A complete fuck-up, that’s what had happened. To summarise – I’d screwed up, big time.
Dropping the phone onto the covers, I scrubbed at my face with my hands, trying to ease the ache growing behind my eyeballs. Why did I ever try to shield Allie from all this shit with Savannah? It must look like I was a completely deceitful arsehole.
In hindsight, it was blindingly obvious that I should have just told Allie as soon as it happened. She’d have understood. But now, if I tried to explain, it would just look like I was trying to cover my tracks.
Fuck. I couldn’t believe the way I’d snapped in the car and taunted her with the fact that Savannah had tried to kiss me. And yeah, she had looked fucking hot, so it would have been easy to give in. Wincing, I scrubbed at my face again, unable to believe that I’d been so heartless. My recklessly yelled words and the pain they had caused in Allie’s beautiful eyes were going to haunt me forever.
What an unbelievable mess. In reality, what it came down to was this: for some stupid fucking reason I’d chosen the show over my girl. My job provided for me, supported me financially, but at the end of the day there were other roles out there I could get, and quite frankly it wasn’t exactly like I was short of cash.
Up until now I’d always lived for my job. My career had been it for me, but since meeting Allie it had become crystal clear that she was it for me. She made me complete. I should have told the studios, and Savannah, to piss off the second this engagement farce was brought up.
Wincing, I tried to acknowledge the horrible, sickening fact that my screwed-up deceit had turned the one woman I’d ever loved against me – my smiling, loving, gorgeous girl. God, the thought that she might hate me was like a dagger to my heart.
My fingers twitched with the need to do something, anything, that might help. What I needed to do was focus on how I could make things right. I tried to imagine how Allie must be feeling, and in return my stomach sank so low that I actually felt sick. No doubt she felt confused, alone, and utterly betrayed. Every fibre in my body wanted to go to her, drag her into my arms and comfort her, but I knew that would only make matters worse between us.
God, I hoped she’d go to the hotel and not stay in that awful hostel. The thought of her sleeping in an unlocked room in LA was almost enough to send me further into a panic. I’d give her a few hours to cool off and then go and see if she’d checked in. Maybe she’d even agree to
speak to me.
Drawing in a deep breath, I was relieved to find my lungs working far better than they had been a minute ago. It seemed that forming a plan of action had helped me step away from the brink of my panic attack. Thank fuck for that. My hands lowered to the soft bedding below as I vaguely came back to reality and looked around the room.
Shaking my head at my situation I very nearly laughed. I was sitting on a bed which I slept in at night, but it wasn’t my bed. It was a bed in a room which was mine temporarily, in a house I didn’t own – or even like – instead of being in my beautiful new apartment, in my superking-sized bed with Allie tucked by my side. Talk about a cold, hard reality check.
This was turning out to be one of the worst days of my entire fucking life.
A second later my phone rang beside me, and I nearly leapt through the ceiling in my rush to grab it in case it was Allie. My heart sank when I saw the name on the screen though – Joe, my personal trainer. Blowing out a breath that rushed between my teeth, it felt quite a lot like my entire life was deflating along with it.
As usual, there were no pleasantries with Joe, he just got straight to the point once I’d lifted the phone to my ear. ‘You’re late. I’m downstairs, big boy. Come and get it.’ With that, he hung up. Tossing the phone on the bed I stood up and allowed myself a derisive smile; that was the second bloody person to hang up on me in less than three minutes. Was I really that repellent?
On autopilot I undid the top few buttons of my shirt and peeled it over my head, tossing it in the vague direction of the washing basket. It certainly didn’t seem as if I could do much with regards to Allie at the moment, so a workout would be a good distraction and might help me burn off some of my nervous energy. Smashing the stuffing out of the car seat had helped marginally, so having Joe to take my anger out on might be even more cleansing.
It was almost perfect timing, really. Not that this was a coincidence; he was a regular visitor. During shooting I was contracted to ‘work out a minimum of five times a week and maintain a suitably muscular physique’. Which, given that I was acting in a supposedly ‘serious’ police drama, spoke volumes about the type of audience they were aiming at – bored housewives who might like to drool over the hotties on the TV. One of those hotties being me.
Sighing, I pulled on a workout vest and some shorts, rolled my neck, and tried to clear my mind a little before descending the stairs to find Joe – all six foot eight and sixteen stone of him – impatiently waiting for me in the hall and looking at his watch with a scowl. I didn’t let his weight fool me: this guy was solid muscle from head to toe. He was also a miserable git, much like me sometimes, but there was no denying his skills as a personal trainer. There was never any slacking with Joe, that was for sure.
‘For being late you can do an extra set of everything today,’ he told me with a smirk, but I just heaved a sigh and rolled my eyes. Perhaps a good workout would help me sleep tonight, because one thing was for sure – if I didn’t hear from Allie today, I would probably be up all night worrying.
‘Don’t start, Joe, I’m having a really crappy day,’ I muttered, my mood almost as dark as his raven hair. ‘I hope you brought some wrist wraps for boxing, because I need to hit something. Hard.’
Chapter Ten
Cait
The sun was hot on my face, but my feet felt lovely and cool in the long grass now I had removed them from within the confines of my smart shoes. Wriggling my toes amongst the bright green blades, I smiled at how funny I must look, sitting here in the park with bare feet and wearing my suit. A complete mismatch, but goodness, did it feel good to rest my weary, blistered soles.
Four hours of traipsing around various employment agencies within the city and I was still jobless. But now in addition, I was sweaty and irritable to go with it. Looking down at myself, I grimaced. Thanks to the humid day I looked like a crumpled, sticky mess. Which was oddly close to how my brain felt whenever I thought back over my run-in with Jack. Overheated and screwed up, that’s how the encounter had left me.
Pushing him from my mind I wiped my damp brow on my palm and pushed my hair back behind my ears. I hadn’t anticipated that it would be so hard to get a job in a city as large as LA, but so far all I’d had was knockbacks and a couple of numbers for bar work. Besides the fact that I had accepted the contact details out of politeness, I knew there was no way that I would be following them up. Bar work I did not do. In fact, any job that prompted direct, and possibly unwanted attention from the opposite sex was an immediate no-go for me. I knew my rigid rules limited me jobwise, because obviously most jobs involved some interaction with men, but bar work in particular just seemed too risky for me.
Actively encouraging men to flirt with me just to get bigger tips? Ugh. No thank you. A brief glimmer of my ex flittered through my mind again and I pushed it away with a shudder, my thumb instinctively raising so I could bite nervously on the skin around the nail. Tutting at the resurfacing of my old habit, I shook my head in annoyance.
That was twice today I’d allowed my fucktard ex-boyfriend to infiltrate my thoughts. Blowing out a dismissive raspberry, I scrunched up my face in annoyance. I had already wasted enough of my life on him, he didn’t deserve to occupy one more second of my time. Although, due to the anxiety issues he’d left me with, he frequently did.
Blinking away the bitter feelings that always came with memories of him, I let out a long, calming breath and closed my eyes for a second to enjoy the sun. I was done for the day, so I could relax now. I still had no job, but right now I was so hot and bothered that I didn’t care.
Shrugging off my suit jacket, I carefully folded it before placing it on the grass beside me. My shirt was stuck to my back from the heat and I rolled my shoulders, trying to free the cotton from the rivulet of sweat running down my spine. Ugh. I needed to invest in some breathable shirts. Briefly wafting my blouse I enjoyed a cool breeze on my heated skin before pulling my bag onto my lap to check my phone.
Drawing back the zip I smiled when I saw a small Tupperware tub tucked inside one of the pouches. It must’ve been from Julie, one of the cooks at the hostel. Seeing as I’d been there over a month now I knew some of the staff quite well, and was quite close with Julie. She was a bit of a mother hen, and always spoilt me rotten when she could, saying I need fattening up.
Prying off the lid I grinned when I saw an orangey-coloured muffin coated in sticky, cream icing. If this was what I suspected – a carrot, walnut, and pumpkin seed muffin with butter cream topping – then it was my favourite from Julie’s baking range. Her vast baking range. Julie single-handedly kept the hostel café stocked with homemade cakes and biscuits, all of which I had sampled, and all of which were delicious.
Inside the lid was a small, star-shaped Post-it note with the words ‘Good luck with the job hunt! J x’ written on it in a curvy, wayward scrawl, the words now half obscured by some melted icing. Smiling to myself I poked my finger into the soft topping, popped it in my mouth, and immediately sighed with pleasure. That woman made the best vanilla butter icing I had ever tasted in my life, and it instantly made me feel better about my crazy Jack-and-job-hunt-filled day.
Who cared if I’d been mown down by a sexy film star and then failed to get a job because my mind had been so fuddled from it? Not me, not when I had this delicious muffin to distract me.
I was nearly finished with my muffin – which was acting as a very late, but delicious, lunch – when I felt my phone vibrate in my bag. Popping the last bite into my mouth, I licked my fingers clean as best I could and then pulled my mobile out.
Seeing a text from Allie, I only just managed to supress my squeal of delight as I forgot about my slightly sticky fingers and frantically opened up the folder to see what it said.
From: Allie
Hey you, change of plans, instead of meeting Sean I’m at your hostel. It’s a long story. See you when you get back. I’m turning this phone off now, if you need me my new number is 213 672 1243. A xx
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Frowning, I immediately found my fingers moving to the elastic bands on my wrist, absently plucking them in concern before a sting of pain had me realising what I was doing.
Saving her new number, I stowed my phone back in my bag and stared out across the park thoughtfully. Why was she at my hostel? Not that I was complaining, I couldn’t wait to see Allie, but still … why the sudden change of plans? I couldn’t think of any good reasons why Allie would be staying at the hostel instead of with Sean, so kicking myself into gear, I pulled on my slightly sweaty socks with a grimace, donned my shoes, and set off to find out for myself.
Chapter Eleven
Allie
A skinny brunette sashayed her hips as she crawled over a naked, aroused, and moaning man. As she tossed her long hair over her shoulder I got a glimpse of not only her face, but the man’s too, and my heart just about stopped in my chest. Savannah. And Sean.
I wanted to move away, but I couldn’t. Instead I stood frozen to the spot, watching like some sick voyeur as long, tanned limbs entangled around sculpted muscles slick with sweat, and manicured fingernails clawed at reddened skin in the heat of passion. Sean allowed the attention on his body for a minute or so, before rolling Savannah over as he pinned her arms above her head and began to worship her stick-like body with his talented fingers and lips.
The hairs of his chest brushed her dark nipples, the peaks hardening further before he greedily sucked them into his mouth and then reared back to plunge his hot, hard length inside of her as they both groaned out their pleasure into the room …
‘Hey, sweetie, wake up.’
