XOXO

by Axie Oh

  A muffled shout and laughter come from the hanok.

  “I think this is as private as we’re going to get.”

  He smiles, looking into my eyes. “I wanted to ask you if you’d be my girlfriend.”

  My heart swells. This feels momentous. I’ve never been anyone’s girlfriend before. And it’s Jaewoo, the boy I’ve practically been obsessed with since I first met him at my uncle’s karaoke bar. I know that since I’m eventually going back to America, there’s an expiration date on our relationship. And that even if there wasn’t, he’s an idol. His star is going to rise higher and higher. But still, I want to be with him here and now.

  “Yes,” I say, and seal it with a kiss.

  In the hanok, Gi Taek and Angela are unearthing the snacks they’d bought at the rest stop, dumping bags of chips, cookies, triangle gimbap, packaged sausages on sticks, teas, sodas, and energy drinks. After all that trouble claiming floor space earlier, our pallets are haphazardly pushed against the walls and doors.

  Everyone sits around in a circle and chooses their food from the pile. Jaewoo and I sit together, with our knees touching. At one point he grabs a blanket from one of the bunched pallets and puts it over us, with most of it on my lap and the rest on his. We hold hands beneath the blanket. I think I’m being sneaky, but I catch Sori’s eye and she smiles before looking away.

  It’s one of the best nights of my life. We play Korean “drinking” games that I’d never heard of, let alone played. In one game, we have to pass a playing card around with just our mouths. If you drop the card, you have to take a shot of an energy drink. It’s fun and ridiculous and I don’t drop the card, though Jaewoo does, just once, our lips brushing.

  Everyone jeers and teases Jaewoo as he takes the shot, but I remain seated, my face bright red, my lips tingling from his inadvertent kiss.

  At six in the morning, the boys climb back over the wall, so that they’ll be in their house in time to “wake up” in a half hour. It seems that we’re not the only ones who’ve had an active night as most of the students at breakfast are bleary-eyed and non-talkative. Afterward Jaewoo, Nathaniel, Sori, Gi Taek, Angela, and I all sign up for a walk on the nature trail, which really is just an excuse for us to find a secluded field and take a nap in a pile.

  With our classmates too tired from the night before to take much of an interest in anything besides sleep, Jaewoo and I decide to risk sitting together on the bus ride back to Seoul. Sori bullies Angela into sitting next to her, which leaves Gi Taek with Nathaniel. They gab the whole way back to SAA in the seats directly behind Jaewoo and me. But we don’t mind, spending most of the bus ride slouched low and watching videos on my phone while sharing ear buds.

  When we reach the academy, Jaewoo mouths, “I’ll contact you,” before heading over to XOXO’s waiting manager with Nathaniel and Youngmin, who spent the majority of the field trip swimming in the lake. I don’t exactly know how he’ll contact me, since as far as I know his phone is still being monitored, but I trust that he’ll figure out a way.

  After spending so many hours with Jaewoo, I feel bereft. Sori has to strongarm me into going back to the dorms, where she insists we take “proper showers.” Unfortunately, most of the other girls have the same idea.

  “I refuse to go to sleep without bathing,” Sori says eyeing the line of girls snaking all the way to the stairwell, and texts Angela. We meet up with her outside the dorms (she’s on the second floor), then head over to the street where Sori motions for a cab.

  “Where are we going?” I ask.

  “Bathhouse,” Sori replies.

  While there are bathhouses in LA, I’ve never gone to one so I’m not entirely sure what to expect. But I quickly get into the fun of it as Sori, Angela, and I strip naked and take turns scrubbing each other’s backs in a spa setting, complete with showers and multiple bathing pools. Afterward, we head over to a communal lounge area, dressed in oversized pajama-like clothing provided by the bathhouse. We get cold noodles in the restaurant and cucumber sheet masks from the small store, placing them on our faces and lying in a bed of cool stones, giggling at every little thing because we’re functioning on very little sleep.

  I don’t get back to the dorms until right before curfew, at which time my phone pings with a text message in English—Hey, it’s Jaewoo. I check the number and see that the text is from Nathaniel’s phone.

  I quickly text back, Hi.

  The message is marked “read,” then the little circles appear, signifying that he’s typing. Like our first and only ever text exchange, I recall that he’s a fast responder when he does have access to his phone. How was the rest of your day?

  Good! I proceed to type out my first ever experience at a bathhouse, finally ending with: It was a lot of fun, though I think Angela and Sori have seen more of me than even my mom has in recent years. I send and then immediately regret my entire existence. Why oh why did I say that last part?

  There’s a significant wait time in which I close my eyes and roll around on my bed. Finally, my phone pings. I peek one eye open.

  I wish I could have been there.

  Oh. My. God.

  I type up several responses, including We should go together next time and Wish you were there too, but end up deleting them all, overcome with embarrassment. I settle with How was the rest of your day?

  We text back and forth for a little longer. This week he has more free time, but starting the following week, XOXO will be promoting the second single off their album, which means he’ll be a lot busier. I feel a pinch of anxiety at the thought of things going back to the way they were, with Jaewoo ignoring me and me unsure about his feelings, but then quickly dismiss those worries. Things are good now, and that’s all that matters.

  Good night. I send, then add, I miss you.

  My phone pings immediately with his response. Night. I miss you too.

  “Jenny!” Sori shouts from her side of the room. “I’m going to murder you if you don’t go to sleep right now!”

  Thirty

  Monday is another assembly day. Sori and I put on our blazers and hurry over to the concert hall. Though it’s spring, it’s still cool enough in the mornings that the blazer offers some warmth. By noon however, most students will be shucking them to eat their lunch beneath the afternoon sun.

  Inside the auditorium, we take seats near the middle. I wave to Angela a few rows down, seated with a couple girls from her major.

  Jaewoo, Nathaniel, and Youngmin aren’t at the assembly. According to Jaewoo’s texts, after the field trip, XOXO had a packed weekend of activities and their manager is letting them skip first period.

  It’s amazing how being able to communicate has done wonders for our relationship. If I ever need to talk to him, I can just text him. Though sometimes there’s a lag, with Nathaniel acting go between.

  At one point yesterday, after Jaewoo had sent me a particularly flirtatious text, I panic-texted him, What if Nathaniel reads this?

  Oh, he replied, he for sure would.

  What?!

  So I delete them all before I give him his phone back.

  “If you’re not careful,” Sori says, “one of the teachers is going to confiscate your phone.” I’d taken it out of my pocket, almost unconsciously, to check if I had any new texts from Jaewoo. “Though maybe that would be a good thing,” she muses.

  I know she’s only joking, but also there’s truth to her teasing, and I don’t want to be that friend. I put away my phone.

  Like the first day of school, the principal walks out onto the stage once all the students are seated. We have to stand right back up to bow to her, but then quickly resume our seats.

  She begins with the expectations for the second quarter and ends with logistics about the end-of-the-year showcase. We’ll all have to audition individually according to our major. For example, with orchestra, each instrument has to audition for chair placement.

  We can also submit a piece for a solo or collaboration, though only a few
are chosen, the principal reminds us, and the competition level is high. She reiterates that representatives from all the major schools, talent agencies, and entertainment companies will be present in the audience.

  Plus all our families. Which reminds me that I need to invite Mom and Halmeoni. For once, our schedules overlap and my mom should be at the clinic when I visit Halmeoni this Sunday.

  As we’re leaving the auditorium, Sori hooks her arm with my own and gives me a sidelong glance. “I was thinking . . . after watching Nathaniel and Gi Taek’s performance, which was ridiculous, let’s be clear, but it gave me an idea . . .”

  “Spit it out, Sori.”

  “What if we auditioned together, as a duo. You could still audition as a soloist,” she says quickly, “but, like, I thought it would be cool. I remember you showing me your performance of ‘The Swan,’ and it reminded me of the ballet. We could do something similar. What do you think?”

  “I think . . .” I say, pretending it’s a hard decision to make as she bites her lip expectantly, “. . . that sounds like a great idea! I’d love to perform together with you.” I’ve never performed a duet with anyone before, and the thought of doing one with Sori, who’s such an incredible dancer, excites me as much as the thought of how much fun we’ll have practicing together.

  I’ll still prepare for my solo audition, but this is something I really want to do.

  “I’m so glad!” Sori beams. With our arms still linked, we make our way across the quad in time for homeroom.

  Jaewoo doesn’t show up to second period and I don’t hear from him until lunch, when my phone vibrates in my pocket. Meet me in the 5th floor stairwell of the performing arts building.

  “I’ll see you guys later,” I say without looking up.

  “Have fun. Don’t get pregnant,” Gi Taek says as a farewell.

  Practically sprinting to the PA building, I take the elevator up to the fifth floor. I guess I could have taken the stairs to meet Jaewoo in the stairwell, but I refuse to be sweaty and out of breath.

  As the doors open, I’m surprised to find people in the hall. I feel self-conscious as I take the short few steps from the elevators to the exit door, like they know somehow I’m on my way to an assignation. The door is one of those industrial fire escape doors and I have difficulty pushing it open, finally stumbling out onto the fifth-floor landing.

  I yelp as a hand grabs my wrist, pulling me into the corner. Jaewoo wraps his arms around me.

  “Why here?” I say. “And why are we bunched in the corner like this?” Not that I’m complaining.

  “Look up,” he says.

  In the corner of the ceiling, angled right above us, is a security camera.

  “They have them all over school,” Jaewoo says, “but of course there are some blind spots.”

  “And you know them all. You’re like a spy, or a criminal.”

  “Yes, please continue comparing me to unlawful citizens.”

  I hook my arms around his neck. “What are we stealing?” I can feel Jaewoo’s grin against my lips.

  “Time?” he suggests. He must mean it as a joke, but it’s actually the very thing we’re trying to steal. Moments like this are so few and far between. Once XOXO starts promoting their second single next week, time with him will become even more precious.

  Maybe it’s the fear of that, the looming separation, that makes every kiss that much more desperate.

  When we finally break apart, Jaewoo gasps, “Are you free this Saturday?”

  “I am,” I say, equally breathless. “Why?”

  He grins. “Would you like to go on a date with me?”

  Thirty-One

  I’ve never actually been on a date. I realize this the following Saturday when I’m supposed to meet Jaewoo and everything in my closet looks overworn and not special enough for the occasion.

  “This is my moment to shine,” Sori says.

  “Yeah!” Angela agrees from where she sits cross-legged on Sori’s bed with Gi Taek. As for Gi Taek, he’s reading one of the smut manhwa from the hidden stash in the bottom drawer of Sori’s side table.

  “Sori.” I grimace, when she pulls out a tight bodycon dress. “We’re not going clubbing.”

  “You don’t know that,” she says, returning the dress to the rack.

  “I doubt he’d take me to a place where he’d probably be recognized within minutes of stepping inside.”

  “You wouldn’t get in anyway,” Gi Taek says, not looking up from his book. “You’re both underage.”

  “Didn’t Bae Jaewoo tell you anything about where he’s taking you?” Sori asks, exasperated.

  “Not the location,” I say, “but he did tell me the activity. We’re going to watch a movie.”

  “Boring,” Gi Taek and Sori announce.

  “I love movies!” Angela beams, my only true friend.

  “Well, what do you want to wear, Jenny?” Sori says. “You’re partly dressing up for Jaewoo—I mean, it’s your first date and you want him to lose his mind—but this is mostly for you. What sort of outfit are you imagining for yourself? What will you feel confident in?”

  These are good questions and I think seriously before answering. “I want to wear something I wouldn’t normally wear but is still me.”

  “Hmm,” she looks at me contemplatively. “What about this?” Moving away from her rack, which holds most of her show-stopping outfits, she reaches into her closet and pulls out a little black dress. Except that it’s not black, but a very rich dark brown. “Try it?”

  I strip down to my undies and Angela squeals, though she’s seen me naked. Gi Taek covers his face with his comic book. I step into the dress and pull the little cap sleeves over my shoulders. It has an attached choker, which I hook closed, and a sweetheart neckline. Finished, I move toward Sori’s floor-length mirror, but she stops me.

  “Put these on first so you can have the full effect.” She pulls out a pair of knee-high boots.

  I put them on in the entranceway so that I don’t damage the floor of the room. Gi Taek and Angela get off the bed to join Sori in crowding around me as I look at myself in the mirror for the first time.

  “Wow,” I say, and really that’s all there is to say. The dress fits snugly over my shoulders and chest, flaring slightly out at the waist. The boots accentuate my long legs. “Are you sure I don’t look overdressed?”

  “You look hot, Jenny. And you should be overdressed. You’re on a date. You’re with a cute boy. Everyone should know it.”

  “Not really,” Gi Taek says. “One clear picture sent to Bulletin of the two of you out together, looking all couple-y, and it’s game over.”

  “I’m the one with experience in secretly dating a boy from XOXO,” Sori says, “and I can say that you’ll be safe with Jaewoo. He’s the responsible one. I’m sure he’s taking you somewhere he’s already scoped out.”

  I feel a shiver of excitement go down my spine at the thought of spending so much time with Jaewoo. I’m nervous, not just about the date, but also about whether we can even have a real date without the fear of discovery, but I push those thoughts to the back of my head because I want to go on this date, and I want to wear this dress.

  “You look great, Jenny,” Angela says, and I smile at her through the mirror.

  Gi Taek sighs. “What time is your date anyway?”

  “Jaewoo says he’s going to pick me up outside the dorms at two.”

  I’m taken aback by the look of shock on all their faces.

  “What? Is that weird?”

  Sori yells, “We only have a half hour to do your hair and makeup!”

  I’m outside at the curb at two o’clock sharp.

  At 2:05, Jaewoo hasn’t appeared, so I walk down to the corner of the street to see if he’s coming from that direction. I know he doesn’t have Nathaniel’s phone on him because he said he wouldn’t, so I can’t even text him.

  Then a minute later, a sleek, blue car pulls up next to me, with Jaewoo in the driver’s sea
t. Before he can get out, I open the door and slip inside.

  I feel a warm glow as I see how he’s drinking in the sight of me. “You look great.”

  “Thanks! I have questions though.”

  “Yeah, sorry I was late. There was traffic—”

  “First of all, you can drive? And second, you have a car?”

  He laughs. “Yes and yes. I got my license early this year. I usually keep my car parked in the garage of our dorms, but I have to drive it now and then to keep the engine fresh.”

  He eases away from the curb. He’s not as dressed up as I am, wearing a hoodie and black jeans, but he’s definitely put in some effort. There’s gel in his hair and he’s wearing a pair of stud earrings that are a deep red that sort of match my dress, which is completely coincidental but pleases me nonetheless.

  “You want to play some music?” he asks. “You can sync up your phone to the car.”

  “Sure.” I reach for my phone and open up Bluetooth. “I can play anything?”

  “Knock yourself out.”

  I scroll through my song choices. Something about this conversation gives me a sense of déjà vu.

  “That night at the karaoke bar, when I was looking for a song for you to sing. An XOXO song was listed in the book, wasn’t it?”

  “Yeah. It was one of the songs we released before our first full-length album.”

  “Imagine if I’d had you sing that song.”

  “I would have rocked it, obviously.”

  I don’t have that exact song on my phone, so I instead play XOXO’s “Don’t Look Back,” which is my favorite of theirs anyway.

  Jaewoo shakes his head and I start laughing.

  “I’m glad this amuses you.”

  “Don’t tell me you don’t listen to your own songs and sing along to your parts.”

  “To be honest, I don’t . . .” He pauses. “I like to rap Sun and Youngmin’s parts.”

  “Oh my God, you have to do it now.”

  “Only if you sing the vocal parts.”

  “You’re on!”

  I restart “Don’t Look Back” from the beginning and this time sing the first verse. Then when it’s Youngmin’s rap break, I cheer Jaewoo along.