they erupt from my mouth.
Beat.
I can’t have offended you so easily
Cariola offended me? You said I was like a painter, making a meal of my face. My brush was like a painter’s brush
Bosola you have to admit the way you paint that on, you are like a painter
Cariola you said you would sooner eat a dead pigeon taken from the soles of the feet of the sick of the plague than kiss someone like me, over-painted and ghastly
Bosola perhaps that was a little –
Cariola you said the closets of women were more like shops of witches
Bosola I definitely didn’t say that –
Cariola where you might find the fat of serpents, Jews’ spittle, anything that will cure the face and to what end?
Bosola I speak too much.
Cariola ahh, but you haven’t asked me what I thought
this is a conversation
you pose the question why do women paint their faces, but don’t listen to the answer. Is it just to cover age? Or blemishes? could be? or it could be so when we go red to blush or in some other mood, like violent rage at the misogyny of men around us, no one but ourselves will know.
She smiles.
Cariola the steward will be along shortly. Just wait here.
Bosola you know, for a woman, I like your wit
Cariola I don’t care for yours
Bosola if you don’t like the wit, why wit back?
Cariola why indeed.
Bosola and so prettily at it.
Antonio comes in.
Antonio ah, about the horses?
Bosola I hear there’s a position
Antonio where have you come from?
Cariola the church he says
Bosola I said it was like a church
Antonio what did you do there?
Cariola pray he says
Bosola I said it was like a prayer, I didn’t say prayer exactly but silence of one sort
Antonio I see
Cariola I told him that silence suits the horses well
Antonio well, the horses are a little rusty on their prayer but I am sure we can –
Cariola what makes a good servant?
Antonio what?
Cariola you must ask him a question or two, this man is good with wit. Don’t just say yes, put him on the spot a little
Bosola madam?
Cariola play with him, he likes words
what sort of servant will you be? The steward himself knows that here extra is required, why only this morning tell him you were working hard for the Duchess at an early hour
Antonio what?
Cariola you kept us all awake
but not of that, let’s give him some space, elaborate
he talks well, he is garrulous, flowery and rhetorical, let him wit and wind away a while
Antonio and the subject?
Cariola what makes a man welcome in this household?
hard work? Loyalty, going the extra mile?
Bosola I am loyal
Cariola honest?
Bosola yes, honesty I put above all else
Cariola oh, he is a honest man, put that down, but question him on it, our mistress will want to see what makes a man honest
why you could even take an hour or two of our time, it seems we have time to kill.
Antonio do we?
Cariola yes, grill him
Antonio looks at Cariola, not sure what is up.
He turns to Bosola.
Antonio go down to the stables and say you were sent by the house.
Bosola thank you
Cariola so quickly?
Antonio aye, go.
Bosola leaves.
Antonio studies Cariola.
Cariola it was just some fun.
honestly, you never know when to stand forward and when to sit down –
Antonio I did stand forward
Cariola you let him off far too lightly. He strikes me as a common arsehole of the masculine kind, and we should have rolled him around a little in his own sense of wit.
Antonio should we?
Cariola yes, we should have. You’re the steward here now. A man like that needs to know what is what. Whatever the Duchess sees in her new duke, Antonio, make sure she never sees a mouse.
SIX: ANTONIO
Antonio sees his old friend Delio.
Antonio am I a mouse?
Delio huh?
Antonio look at my face
Delio I’m looking
He looks.
Antonio go on –
you can be honest
Delio no
Antonio look again
Delio what is it?
Antonio I need other men to look at me and see a man. But instead they see this little thing that could be knocked over in a puff of wind. And don’t try and tell me that isn’t so. Every step I think I must step differently, then I look in the mirror and I think, nothing is different. Exactly as I was. A tiny timid creature. Or worse, a man but not a man – pen and paper are my tools, I can’t lay a path or chop a tree or tend a horse and if someone said fight then –
Delio what’s got into you?
Antonio I’m in love
Delio oh right
Antonio and it’s terrible. Go on – ask me about it
Delio well, with who?
Antonio looks around. He whispers in his friend’s ear.
Delio looks incredulous.
Antonio exactly
Delio how long has this been going on?
Antonio keep your voice down … we were married in her bedchamber, I call her Giovanna –
Delio how can I keep my voice down –?
Antonio seriously, you mustn’t tell anyone, it’s a secret
Delio alright, but why the despair?
Antonio because I am not her equal and I wish I were. Think about it, why would someone like the Duchess choose me? I mean really? She wouldn’t. There is no reason why she would. Surely she will soon realise her mistake. There is not a single thing about me that is remarkable, nothing that she couldn’t find in other men, and in better men
tell me, do you see anything that especially commends me?
Delio I see plenty of things
Antonio what do you mean? I’m weak –
Delio you don’t even know what you are, that’s the thing about you
Antonio that isn’t even a thing, can you build a wall with that?
Delio do you want to build a wall?
Antonio I want to be a man, if that is what it takes then I’ll build a wall
Delio you have no idea how lovely you are.
Antonio don’t try and cheer me up
Delio what does it matter if you are already married?
Antonio I want her to love me as I love her
I want her to respect me as I respect her
Delio does she say she does?
Antonio yes, but that is just words.
anyone could say that, and not mean it at all. How can we trust what another thinks of us?
Delio you can trust actions, does she seem to love you?
Antonio I suppose
Delio and in bed?
Antonio yes, in bed yes
Delio then my dear friend, maybe she does love you
Antonio I should grow a beard do you think. And try to breed some muscles. I could exercise my thighs so they were thick and round
Delio I think you will still be you.
Antonio Then I am doomed. I never thought I would find a woman. But now I have one, I find I am in greater torment.
Delio does it not mean anything if I were to say I think you are excellent? Fine as you are, and the most wonderful of men.
Antonio yes my friend, it means fuck all.
SEVEN: DELIO
Delio and Julia. In bed. Together but apart.
Delio people are so inconstant, don’t you think?
you think them to be one thing and then suddenly they are another.
&nb
sp; Julia I don’t know what you are talking about –
Delio how can someone change so quickly
or maybe they were always as they are –
and what can you ever know really?
what can you believe –
Julia can’t we just go to sleep?
Delio take us
we say we love each other every night
but do either of us believe a single word?
Julia I’m really tired –
Delio we are a poor fit in the end.
we know it
you married me because you thought I would have money
I married you because I liked your smile
turns out i have no money
and you hardly ever smile
Julia goodnight.
Delio you could be loving another, so could I.
we sleep beside each other, is that enough? When I am here at least and that is hardly ever
Julia is that enough?
Delio yes, is that enough?
Julia is that enough for you?
Beat.
Delio I don’t know, that is all I am saying.
sometimes I think we are strangers.
I wouldn’t blame you if you loved another.
Julia you wouldn’t blame me?
Delio no.
would you blame me?
Julia I don’t know
Delio what the hell actually is it, this thing called love?
it isn’t something that happens between us, is it?
would we ever dare tell each other that we loved the wrong people?
EIGHT: JULIA
Julia is sitting, waking up in bed. Awake now. Wondering about what Delio had said.
She looks at the Cardinal’s ring on her finger.
Antonio takes the microphone and sings a song about love.
Ferdinand sings too. Crazy fucked-up love.
Julia joins in. What we will do for it and how it kills us in the end.
Act Two
Bosola and Antonio are kicking a football back and forth.
Bosola how can you call me melancholic?
Antonio I only said –
Bosola a little philosophic?
Antonio a little given to long contemplation of a philosophic nature, yes
Bosola contemplation is the means to a remedy
Antonio pass the ball
Bosola okay, here’s another
our widowed duchess
is sick a lot, have you noticed?
Antonio no
Bosola really? She pukes, her stomach seethes
her eyelids are almost blue
Antonio can’t say I have looked
Bosola she’s lost weight on the face, and grown fat on the thigh –
Antonio oh –
Bosola yes and – unlike current fashion – she is wearing these floaty things
Bosola picks up the football and looks at Antonio.
Antonio perhaps they’re more comfortable
Bosola but why? She is a beautiful woman who now dresses in tents
Antonio well, I don’t know
Bosola she’s been at it
Antonio what?
Bosola yes, with someone and you know what comes then –
Antonio that’s stupid, no –
Beat.
Bosola it’s okay, I’ve got this trick
Antonio what trick?
Bosola well, if it’s as we think –
Antonio we don’t think
Bosola I’ll offer her something, and
you watch
many a promiscuous woman is exposed this way
Antonio what do you mean?
Bosola apricots. Irresistible to those with a … you know … in the oven
Antonio isn’t that an old wives’ tale?
Bosola I think she might be an old wife. My point exactly
Antonio we all like apricots
Bosola there’s like and like, you watch
The Duchess comes in attended by Cariola.
Duchess your arm, Cariola
Cariola I’m here
Antonio but what if we –
Bosola oh stop, it’s nothing
Duchess I feel so fat –
Cariola fat? You look fine to me
Bosola she does look a little fat to me, now you mention it
Antonio thin. I would say
Duchess I am exceedingly short-winded today
Bosola, I would have you get a chair that is a little lower, it will help my back
Bosola didn’t the Duchess of Florence have one like it?
Duchess did she?
Bosola which she used when she was great with child
Antonio I bet she used it at other times as well
Duchess no, I think he’s right, she did do that
Cariola comes to help her.
urgg, your hair smells of lemon pills, what have you done?
Bosola you see, now she complains of the smell –
Duchess ahh, I’m going to puke right here it’s so strong
Antonio madam, calm yourself
Duchess I am calm
who said I wasn’t calm? I am CALM. Calm calm.
Bosola you see, her mood swings up and down
Antonio my lady, perhaps you need to sit down
Duchess yes, I need to sit, didn’t I just say that
no don’t touch me
did I say you could touch?
bring me some water – would you, dear?
no, not water
some milk
no, not milk either
some duck
no, not duck
chicken
no
pork
no
bread no, cheese no
Bosola madam, would you like some apricots?
Duchess apricots?
Bosola yes
Antonio apricots are out of season
Duchess apricots, that’s what I want, get me apricots
Antonio you can’t get apricots in April, he was only –
Bosola I have some here
Duchess well look at that, he has the very thing I fancy
Antonio but maybe what you fancy is not what in fact you need
Bosola but why not? I think the Duchess of Florence liked these too
Duchess where did you get them?
Antonio don’t eat them, madam
Duchess oh shush
Bosola ahh, I spent a lot on them, a young gardener ripened them early
Antonio that means in horse dung, yuk
Bosola would you like to taste one?
Antonio they smell of shit, better not
Duchess they smell divine
Antonio early fruit is bad for the stomach
Duchess can something so irresistible be so bad?
Bosola here, I’ll eat one, show they are quite pleasant
He starts to eat.
see, good in fact
The Duchess is salivating.
Antonio I’ll get you some another day
come on, let’s go back inside
Bosola would you like to try?
The Duchess grabs them off Bosola.
She eats them greedily, like a savage.
Duchess good, they are good
they are mmmm, in fact they are –
Antonio please, madam
Duchess mmmm mmmm
She looks at Antonio and greedily eats more.
Almost orgasmic.
Duchess mmmmm mmmmm mmmm oh mmmm
Bosola she seems to enjoy them anyway
Duchess the horseman knew what I needed oh wow
oh wow oh wow
Antonio you have juice down your chin
She wipes.
She burps.
Duchess any more?
Bosola looks into his bag.
Bosola alas, only one
Duchess give it
Bosola are you sure you want it?
Duchess I’m su
re –
Bosola hang on –
He toys with her.
She grabs the last apricot.
Eats it fast.
Duchess ahhh, mmmm, ooooo that was –
They watch her lick her lips.
who knew that they were so delicious?
Bosola looks at Antonio.
Bosola so we can take it, she likes them
Duchess get more, will you?
more more more
I need apricots.
apricots
Bosola I will I will, now I know you like apricots
Antonio everyone likes apricots
Bosola not everyone likes them like that
She burps again.
Duchess oh dear
Cariola what, madam?
Duchess well, just then, after
it’s alright I just think I need to –
She burps again.
and perhaps a –
She tries to fart.
oh no, hang on
oh actually I don’t feel well and this swelling, they sit hard in my stomach
Bosola is laughing.
Bosola can she swell more?
Antonio what have you done to her?
Bosola she has done this to herself, I told you we would find her out
mark my words, there is a child in there
Duchess I need to go to my room. Oh dear, I think this is
oh, there is pain now
Bosola all women are the same
they can’t resist us men
Cariola madam, take my arm
Bosola the act, it’s like they have no control
Antonio it might just be wind
it’s wind, isn’t it?
Duchess this isn’t wind
She leaves.
Bosola I have to say I am surprised by the Duchess though –
Cariola lock the gates, tell the servants no one may come or leave
and get yourself back to the stables
Bosola let me stay a while, I am worried for the lady
Cariola this is orders from the lady
Bosola I didn’t hear her say it
Cariola steward, tell the horseman to leave this room
Antonio but
Cariola who is greater in this room, you or him?
Antonio …?
Bosola I’m going.
Beat.
Bosola leaves.
Antonio and Cariola are left.
Cariola good grief
Antonio is it labour?
Cariola yes
Antonio I mean is this actually labour?
Cariola yes
Antonio you mean that labour has started?
Cariola stop asking the same question. This is labour, yes
Antonio a baby will come?
The Duchess (of Malfi) Page 3
