Cariola yes, fuck’s sake, yes, that is the normal course of events IN LABOUR
Antonio what if I faint?
Cariola If you faint I will roll you out of the door and leave you for the pigeons
but really I think it is the Duchess that we be thinking about
it’s weeks early, and if she has the baby here, then everyone will know
Antonio can’t we get her away?
Cariola I have no idea how much time we have.
Antonio you have no idea?
Cariola no, I have no idea
The Duchess moans.
Antonio you have to sort this
Cariola the baby is coming, what more is there to sort?
The Duchess groans.
roll up your sleeves, I’ll talk you through it.
Antonio what?
The Cardinal is in his office.
Julia comes in.
Cardinal oh.
Julia you sound surprised
Cardinal well, yes, a little perhaps. I thought, since I hadn’t seen you –
Julia my husband is away
Cardinal again?
Julia all month.
maybe longer.
Cardinal how lovely.
Julia he has left me all alone.
Beat.
He finishes what is he doing.
Julia I thought you might be –
Cardinal what?
Julia interested?
Cardinal yes, I am
Julia I have been thinking of you a lot of the time.
He looks at her.
She looks at him.
Cardinal I am just about to say mass.
He goes back to his work.
She stands there, not sure.
Julia shall I wait then?
Cardinal I will be with you when I am ready.
Julia only –
Cardinal what, after keeping me waiting for months, you mind waiting for a minute or two?
Julia I thought you’d be pleased.
Cardinal I am pleased. Only do I wonder if there is some other reason that you have arrived at my door? I heard your husband is bankrupt
Julia I’m not asking for anything
Cardinal take your top off
Julia I’m not here for money
Cardinal oh, I don’t care, I’ll give you money take your top off, take your top off
Julia what?
Cardinal well, if we are to have intercourse
Julia okay, but do you have to say it like –
Cardinal I thought that was what you came for?
Julia but like this?
Cardinal take off your top.
Julia and if I say no?
Cardinal you don’t get to say no.
you’re my mistress now. You’re either desperate or you love me, both put you at a disadvantage. Smile smile. I’m joking. Here, hang on, let me just finish the sacrament.
take off your top and remove your underclothes
I’ll just drink the wine
Julia must you say it so?
Cardinal I really don’t see, you are here to lie with me aren’t you? That is why you came. So you need to remove some of your clothing.
He grabs her.
if you love me then you will do what I ask without question.
say you love me
He tries to kiss her.
Julia I did say that
Cardinal say it again
Julia I love you
Cardinal say I love you more than him
Julia I love you more than him
Cardinal say he is stupid and ugly and has lost all his money
Julia he is stupid and ugly and has lost all his money
Cardinal say his dick is tiny
Julia his dick is tiny
Cardinal that’s it, now take your top off
She takes her top off.
very good
now turn around.
lift your skirt and touch yourself, and repeat what you said
Julia please –
Cardinal what?
Julia can you not make me feel so –
Cardinal what? Sordid
you want to be my mistress
you are coming here when you are married to another
what has the church got to say about that?
He grabs her, starts to have sex with her on the floor.
Julia don’t hurt me
Cardinal what, like you have hurt me all these months?
it’s alright, it will pass. I won’t hurt you much, gentle gentle oh yes
that’s it, fight sweetheart, that only makes it more, yes see you like it now, I’ll look after you, you can have what you want
Ferdinand knock knock
Cardinal Christ, brother, a little warning
Ferdinand you gave me a key
very sorry.
Julia and the Cardinal get themselves together.
She looks at him.
Cardinal shush, shush you’ll come back
Julia what if I don’t?
Cardinal then you won’t. But with so few options I suspect you will.
Julia leaves.
Ferdinand sits down on the Cardinal’s desk.
The Cardinal is still doing his zip up.
Ferdinand for God’s sake. I’ve seen it before
Cardinal why are you here?
Ferdinand proof. It’s a sort of poison, isn’t it, to finally know?
Cardinal what are you talking about?
Ferdinand she she she she she she she
Cardinal who who who who who?
Ferdinand she’s had a baby
Cardinal what?
Ferdinand that’s what I heard
Cardinal how?
Ferdinand you mean, dear brother, you don’t know how we make babies?
Cardinal keep your voice down
Ferdinand no point keeping it quiet now
it’s going to be shouted around the town. The widowed duchess has produced a child. Shout it. A baby a baby a baby a baby a baby a baby
Cardinal can you be angry without this rupture?
Ferdinand rupture? Not from me. I am quite composed.
The Cardinal takes a piece of paper.
should we kill her?
she is clearly trying to kill us in reputation
what do you suggest, murder?
Cardinal let me read this
Ferdinand she is a whore. So death is probably the only way out –
Cardinal you aren’t even letting me think –
Ferdinand but thought is exactly what I am proposing, an exploration of the problem, a tossing of ideas forward and back. A conference between us. Maybe we should have their bodies, hers and the lover, burnt in coal pit? Hmm? and the air-hole blocked so their evil smoke might not go up to heaven, or! kill them both by burning their skin with sulphur and then light a match? Or boil the bastard brats in a pot perhaps and make a stew to serve up to the lecherous father
Cardinal sit down would you
Ferdinand WHAT IS THE CHURCH GOING TO SAY?
The Cardinal sits down, reads.
your own sister –
Cardinal I don’t know
Ferdinand and we can’t hush it up. Not with a baby
perhaps we toss her palace about her ears then, yes, that first
root up her all her land, sell all her property and dump her out on the street as waste –
wait – can you hear laughing?
Cardinal no …?
Ferdinand yes, there –
listen harder, they are already laughing at us, excellent hyenas
even in the corridor the word is out, or perhaps it is her, her laughter carried by the air
no, it’s not a woman, it’s a man. It’s her lover.
Cardinal are you stark mad?
Ferdinand some strong barge-man with thighs like tree trunks,
yes, he’s laughing while he fucks her
or one of the woodyard that is sp
orty and can throw a hammer perhaps, or maybe some lovely squire that carries coals up to her lodgings and recites poetry
Cardinal you seem to go beyond reason
Ferdinand stop it, mistress, stop
Cardinal what has happened to you?
Ferdinand I don’t know, there’s something in my eye
Cardinal there is nothing in your eye
Ferdinand I don’t want to see, I don’t want to hear
Cardinal come on, pull yourself together
Ferdinand I see her all around. Hear her. Groaning squealing.
undressed and with men
can’t you see too?
Cardinal you are thinking too much, calm down. This is all anger, nothing else
Ferdinand something must be wrong with our family that heaven is taking revenge
Cardinal there is nothing wrong with us
Ferdinand oh, there she is again, grunting now.
no wonder I don’t sleep. I haven’t slept well for a long time. How could anyone sleep when she is making such a racket?
Cardinal you aren’t well
Ferdinand I am perfectly fine. A little tired
a lullaby does it
Cardinal a lullaby?
Ferdinand yes, one that was sung to us
anything that blocks it out –
Ferdinand sings it.
you know it? Sing sing.
Cardinal looks at him, worried.
Antonio and the Duchess.
The Duchess is breast-feeding one of the twins. She sings a lullaby.
Duchess look at the little face
Antonio there there
Duchess he’s sucking his lip, how is the other one?
Cariola sleeping finally
Duchess I need to feed her too
Cariola they should be having a bottle
both is too much for one person
Duchess and miss this?
They look at the baby.
Antonio to produce one was a miracle but twins
Duchess runs in the family, you were warned
Antonio I love it, I want more
next time triplets, quins
we’ll have an army
Cariola goes to the shutters.
Duchess no, leave the shutters open, these children are born in hiding, they can have some air at night
Cariola let me take him now, you need some sleep –
Duchess yes, bring me my nightdress, and a brush
let me say goodnight to the girl
you’ll have to sleep somewhere else as well
Antonio really?
Duchess sorry
Antonio I can’t persuade you?
even if I go down on to my knees to ask for a night’s lodgings –
Duchess I am pretty tired
Antonio don’t send me away, I have work to do
Duchess you’ll keep me awake
Antonio yes, that’s the point, I’ll keep you awake
alright, we’ll sleep, we’ll sleep, that’s all
if I can wrap my arms around you
Duchess ah, but if we sleep, where is the fun in that?
Antonio you read my mind
Duchess but they will be up in three hours
Antonio oh, poor you, torn by pleasure
Cariola my lord I have shared a bed with her often and I know
it’s her that will keep you up
Antonio oh really?
Duchess oi
Cariola she’s sprawls across the bed
Antonio what is wrong with sprawling?
Cariola and she snores
Duchess I do not
Antonio actually you do a bit
Cariola sir, can I ask you a question?
Antonio go on, Cariola
Cariola well, when you spend the night here, why do you get up so early?
Duchess yes, why do you do that?
Antonio ah that’s easy, by the morning –
Cariola he’s had enough
Antonio not nearly but actually I can take no more –
Duchess oh stop it –
Antonio she’s rampant
She kisses him.
ah, but that’s one. I need two to see me through the night.
give me another.
She kisses him again.
maybe you do love me?
Duchess finally, you’ve worked it out!
Antonio I still don’t understand why –
Cariola good question
Duchess then let it be a mystery
Cariola really, sir, we must leave her.
the babies will be up before long and looking for milk
Duchess goodnight both.
She kisses Antonio.
He starts to go.
He comes back in and kisses her again.
Antonio if you change your mind –
Duchess save that thought.
but let me sleep.
He goes.
She picks up the babies.
shush shush, don’t wake up. I only wanted to look at you. To tell you, that apart from your brother, you are the most beautiful thing that ever lived. Both of you. Made of alabaster and carved by a master craftsman. Shush shush, don’t cry. But then even your crying is the most perfect sound –
Ferdinand appears behind her.
She sees him in the mirror.
Beat.
She puts the twins down.
Ferdinand congratulations
Duchess thank you, Ferdinand
Ferdinand let’s not be hasty. Ferdinand? Tut tut
you know my name but I don’t know yours
Duchess what?
Ferdinand I don’t know how to say your name, because we haven’t met
Duchess I’m your sister
Ferdinand my sister no, she is a widow
Duchess she got married
Ferdinand married? Not her –
Duchess yes, I am married
Ferdinand comes and picks up the baby.
Ferdinand a second congratulations then if you are she.
A married woman and with a baby
Duchess thank you
Ferdinand harlot.
Beat.
The Duchess doesn’t know how to read him.
but hang on, there’s one and another – two?
Duchess yes, twins
Ferdinand no
He looks confused for a second.
twins, really, sister?
Duchess yes
Ferdinand twins? Twins twins twins twins twins?
Duchess yes sir.
Ferdinand is one a boy and one a girl?
Duchess yes, exactly
Ferdinand like us?
Duchess like us
Ferdinand which one is this?
She looks.
Duchess that’s the boy
Ferdinand the boy. Congratulations on your boy
Duchess Nico
Ferdinand that’s my middle name.
sweet Nico, Nico
what am I thinking, Nico
someone poked your mother and that made you
this wasn’t a marriage
Duchess it was a marriage
Ferdinand married, married, sorry I keep forgetting. Married married. Congratulations
but a secret wedding, what a pity. You want to get married you get married in a church not in a bedroom, I wanted to wear a hat
Duchess well, I realise that you –
Ferdinand someone poked your mother, boy
someone poked your mother, how though I am wondering
from behind or up the arse
Duchess stop
Ferdinand you don’t want your son to hear it? Nico
your mother would rather I didn’t talk about your daddy, and his towering erection, so let’s not mention it. You were found under a cloud. A bush, no penis made you
Duchess men and women get married all the time
Ferdinand poke, you mean
they poke all the ti
me
Duchess men and women get married, I don’t see why mine is so offensive
Ferdinand offensive?
offensive, if it was just offensive I might simply be offended. But this is not a marriage, this is carnal desire
with a bedroom contract to cover yourselves
Duchess you’re breaking my heart
Ferdinand your heart! Your heart
I am sorry, my darling, how could I break your heart? You’re married you’re married. It’s just a thing to get used to.
He coos with the baby.
oh, but let me hold the girl
He puts the boy twin down too roughly, the Duchess catches him.
Ferdinand goes to the other twin.
this the girl?
Duchess yes
Ferdinand not as pretty as you
Duchess she isn’t yet a month
Ferdinand no hair
double chins
Duchess her name is Isabella
Ferdinand Isabella
is a bell a necessary on an Isabella
no Isabella let me sing you this
He sings the lullaby again, a slightly fucked-up version.
Duchess can you be rational for a second, I know you are angry but –
Ferdinand angry? No, how could I be angry
you smell different
He puts the baby down.
Duchess I smell of milk
Ferdinand disgusting
Duchess you used to love me
Ferdinand I do love you
of course I love you.
He sniffs again.
Ferdinand it’s not milk, it’s vinegar
Duchess no –
Ferdinand you have curdled
He sniffs around.
why can’t I even sniff you now? we were together in the womb, weren’t we, two babies. I know your smell. Imagine we were intertwined, then, limb around limb –
you said you loved me
Duchess I do
Ferdinand well here let me get accustomed to this new aroma
Duchess get off
Ferdinand see this
this is our father’s knife.
if I thought it was you that was rotten I would use it.
I would cut out whatever part of you had turned putrid.
Duchess that isn’t our father’s knife
Ferdinand it is, and I would hate to see it grow rusty.
Duchess you don’t scare me
Ferdinand no scare, no no no. I only mean to restore you.
He pushes her down.
He grapples with her on the floor.
he is the one that we must find and cut out.
He sings to her a lullaby from childhood, he rocks her.
He tries to cuddle in to her.
Duchess you aren’t yourself
He throws everything in the air.
Ferdinand it’s just my eyes, they –
Duchess what has happened to you?
Ferdinand nothing.
The Duchess (of Malfi) Page 4
