Love and Heartache (Love &... #2)

by A. J. Briar

  “Let’s just say everyone has a meaning behind it. I didn’t just decide to decorate my body one day. All of them are special and either hold a memory or serve a reminder.”

  She reaches across the table and I lean forward, allowing her a clearer view. Her finger gently caresses across my forearm, where there is a silhouette of a girl, on a beach at sunset. No surprises to who the girl represents. I watch Isabella trace the outline, then retract her hand. I don’t tell her it’s her, but she’d be blind not to realize it. Even if she can’t remember what I meant to her, she must know how much she meant to me. Still means to me.

  “They’re beautiful,” she whispers. I resist the urge to retort with you’re beautiful, so I jerk my head, acknowledging her statement. She takes a deep breath in and then glances down to her notepad before resuming her questioning.

  “So how are you settling in with the team? Obviously, you and Logan seem to have a bromance going on.” I let out a deep throaty laugh and pin her with an amused gaze.

  “They’re good guys. As a team, most of them are passionate and driven, so I can’t really complain. Between Coach and Rory pushing us to be the best we can be, I’d say we have a shot at making it all the way this year. It’s good that I’ve been able to slot into the group without too much hassle.” She writes while I talk. “As for Logan, he’s definitely someone I can relate to. He’s shit hot, both on and off the court while being an all-round decent dude. The fact he offered his place to me without really knowing me, either means he’s incredibly generous or incredibly rash. I’m going to go with the former.” Isabella quirks an eyebrow which earns a smirk from me. We end up in a standoff, I can tell that she’s trying not to laugh at my comments about Logan. Her mouth twitches and I wink, which sets off her. The giggles that emanate from her, are music to my ears so I savor the sound. Combine that with her carefree grin, that is adorned on her face, and I’m such a goner for this woman.

  “I’ll have to warn the entire female population that you’re both off the market.” Her grin is wide, touching her eyes. She holds her hand across her chest, clutching her heart. “Whatever will we do.” She adds and sighs dramatically. Isabella was always so serious; it’s refreshing to see her let her hair down. I have to stop myself from launching across the table at her considering she’s openly flirting with me. I need to rein this in before I do something, we’ll both likely regret.

  “In all seriousness, the team’s good. There’s been a few teething problems, but that’s to be expected. Nobody expected me to be here. Last year, I was their rival, now I’m their teammate. I’m sure after our first exhibition game, we’ll be golden.” If I’m honest, there’s still a few dickwads that haven’t accepted me yet, but they will. Rory’s already made it clear we’re cool, so the rest should fall in line soon. I just hope it’s before our first match next week. Isabella purses her lips together in thought, before narrowing her eyes at me.

  “I’m sure it’ll all be fine. That reminds me though, I’m dying to know why you transferred here. What was the reason for leaving your old team and college behind?” She holds her fist out like a pretend microphone and extends it towards me. I would laugh, if her question hadn’t ignited the anger, that’s deep rooted in me. I’m absolutely positive she does not want to know the real answer to that question. My face contorts trying to keep the anger from showing, but I fail epically. My hands begin to tremble, and I grimace when Isabella reads the situation, letting her hand drop. The last thing I want to do, is be rude to her, but there’s no way I can answer that question, without raising suspicions. So, I chose to take a page out of Isabella’s book and run - like literally run.

  I grab my shit and I’m out of the door in a flash. Sprinting down the hallway, I hear Isabella shout my name. I swivel just enough to see a panic-stricken Isabella, standing in the doorway. It’s almost enough to send me hurrying back to her; but I can’t. She can’t find out about my past. This is for the best, I’m sure of it.

  I have to keep repeating it over and over again as I race down the stairs and out into the crisp night air. Holy fuck, we’ve been there all evening. The protector in me realizes that I need to make sure Isabella gets home safely. I hide out in my truck, my eyes focused on the exit to the library. Idly, I scroll through my phone, debating whether it’ll be too weird to ask Logan to come and make sure she’s alright, when speak of the devil, he appears walking down the sidewalk. I’m both jealous and grateful that he jogs up the steps and enters through the revolving doors. The indecision between wanting to leave and wanting to stay, torments me. He might not be here for Isabella and has just come to study, which is unlikely, but still a possibility.

  Just to torture myself some more, I decide to wait, when they both emerge from the exit. Logan’s arm is slung over Isabella’s shoulder, his huge frame shadowing her face, but I know it’s her from her outfit. That bloody sinful dress that would look better on my bedroom floor, flows around her in the slight breeze. He tucks her in closer to him as they both head down the street and out of sight.

  Fury unleashes in my veins meaning I struggle to tamp down my anger. My breaths come out stuttered, thinking of them together. Punching the steering wheel through sheer rage, I then allow the pain to take over. I will myself to calm down and count backwards from fifty. It used to be twenty, but then I realized I always needed longer. By the time, I’ve managed to control my outburst, I realize I can’t be mad at them. I’m nothing to Isabella and if she chooses to be with Logan, I can’t stand in her way. After all, I’ve only been back in her life a day or two.

  I drive aimlessly for a while, knowing if I go home, I’ll end up doing something I’ll regret, despite my mind telling me not to. Fuck knows how long I drive for, but a vibration on my phone distracts me. Pulling over in a deserted car park, I check it to find I have three missed texts from Isabella as well as a missed call from Logan.

  Throwing my phone on the passenger seat, I don’t even bother reading what they say. The uncertainty whether I should go back, weighs heavy on my mind.

  Choosing to let music decide for me, I shuffle my songs, playing through the speakers. My mom and I used to do this all the time. Whenever we had a tricky decision to face, we’d shuffle our songs and have three attempts to help us make our choice. By the end of it, normally, somehow our mind was made up. I fire up my truck and a song begins to play. Drake’s ‘Hold on, we’re going home’ fills the truck’s speakers and I groan at the irony. Looks like I’m going home. I just pray that when I get there, I’m not going to regret my judgment.

  7

  Isabella

  You’d think I’d be okay with people running away, considering how much I do it to everyone else, but surprisingly, its fucking irritating. Especially when you have no idea why. I’m not stupid, so I figure something has happened at Nathan’s previous college for him to transfer here. But what? I have no idea. And I know I have no chance of actually finding out from him. He’s locked up tighter than a fortress.

  I’m not going to lie, disappointment coursed through my body while I watched Nathan sprint down the stairs and out of sight. Hell, I’m still upset about it now, as I sit with Logan eating takeaway.

  Thank god, Logan text me asking if I wanted to hang out. I was in desperate need of a pick me up. Though I’m realizing now, I’m not much company. My mind is too busy moping about Nathan. He’s not responded to any of my texts, and I even resorted to asking Logan to ring him. He left the library before I did, so he should have been here long before us.

  Random thoughts of him in all sorts of scenarios race through my mind, ranging from him being hurt to him pulling some random chick at a bar. At this point, I’m not sure which would be worse. The thought of him with anyone else knocks me sick and that terrifies me that I feel that way after such a short time. I mean, in the scale of things, it isn’t really considering our past, but still.

  Logan throws the remote at me and it ricochets off my head and into my lap. I swivel and glare his
way, about to ask why he did that, when the door to their apartment swings open. Nathan stands there, his entire body stops when he looks at me like he’s seen a ghost. His stormy blue eyes start to bounce between me and Logan. It’s not like we’re in a compromising position or anything, but I shift further away anyway. Nathan notices the movement, before Logan opens his mouth to speak.

  “Where’ve you been dude? I tried calling.” I’m unable to look away from Nathan. A war of emotions plays across his expression and I find myself captivated by him. The hurt, the anger, the jealously is all written across his face.

  “Just out.” He shrugs his shoulders and tears his gaze away from us, saying he’s going to his room, leaving us alone. I glance at Logan, who looks just as perplexed as I do. He goes to stand but I stop him with my hand.

  “Let me.” I don’t give Logan a choice, instead I jump up and head after Nathan. Feeling a pull towards him, I have to know what’s eating away at him. Guilt festers around my body, and I hate that I’m the one who made him run in the first place. I don’t even bother knocking as I burst into his room.

  “Dude, get out!” Nathan shouts from where he’s currently standing, rifling through his chest of drawers, in nothing but his boxers. His perfectly toned back is on full display while he continues to search for something in his dresser.

  I slam the door behind me and cough, making it known I’m here. His body spins to face me and the shock is evident upon his face. I try my best not to stare, but holy shit. I can’t physically stop.

  My eyes trail down his tanned body, to his perfectly cut abs that form that v shape that dudes have. A slight dusting of hair leads south, and I have to dig my fingers in at my sides, to stop myself from reaching out and touching him. Slowly, I glance back up, noticing the word ‘always’ tattooed across his chest, over his heart. I wonder idly what the significance of that is, when it hits me like a wrecking ball. I stumble and reach out to grip the corner of his desk, my eyes unwillingly close, when my mind recalls another memory.

  As we walked towards the pier, I felt like I was on cloud nine as Nathan held my hand giving me shy smiles every now and again. His hand trembled the closer, we got to the end of the pier, the nerves clear cut as we walked to the edge. My breath caught in my throat as I took in the scene laid out in front of me. Candles had been placed all around, petals adorned the wooden floor of the pier and little fairy lights wrapped around each of the railings. Nathan let go of my hand and walked into the middle of the pier. His silhouette was framed by the night sky, the moon lighting him up as he shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot. It’s stunning and I’m utterly speechless as Nathan steals a huge gulp of air before he began to speak.

  “I had this big speech planned but now I’m here in front of you I can barely remember any of it.” He scrubbed his hand over his face, and took another breath in.

  “I didn’t realize how lost I was until I found you Isabella. Your light and energy captured my attention and even though I know you don’t think it, you are perfect in every way.” He moved forward a step, and I could see his heart palpitating out of his chest.

  “I fought against everything I felt for you, scared to allow you in, scared that if this ended badly, that it’d break me, but I’m done fighting it. That feeling is too strong to bury and ignore Isabella, I just hope you feel the same.”

  Another step closer as he closed his eyes, his hands shook.

  “I love you Isabella James. I want to spend the rest of my life with you by my side. You’re it for me. My forever. My always.” I gasped; my words lodged in my throat as I threw myself forward into his arms. Tears streamed down my face at his confession.

  “Please tell me these are happy tears.” He begged as he wiped a few, before he softly kissed them away too.

  “I love you too Nathan. Always have and always will.” He clutched my face, mouthing the words always to me before kissing me tenderly. Hands down, that was one of the best kisses and moments of my life as we got lost in each other.

  Feeling his lips against mine, my body and mind are tangled between his passion and the memory. Everything is all too real, so I get lost in his kiss. I run my fingers through his hair pulling him closer, because why not. If this is a memory, I might as well make the most of it. Nathan nips at my bottom lip and a groan works its way up my throat. Any thoughts of restraint go out of the window as I lick the seam of his lips. I’m earned with a responsive growl when his control breaks. Easily, he lifts me, sitting me on the cold wood, while leaning me slightly backwards, to lick and suck on my neck. My legs instinctively wrap around him, drawing him closer. The way our bodies are angled, allows the perfect amount of friction and I’m moments away from tearing both of our clothes off. I grip the edge of desk to stop myself from doing exactly that.

  A knock on a door rings out and my eyes flash open. Nathan groans and leans his forehead against mine before I hear him tell Logan to fuck off. Logan chuckles from the other side of the door, while my mind tries to catch up with what was just happening. One minute I’m recalling a pretty huge moment then the next, I’m kissing Nathan.

  Shame fills my cheeks as I drop my head, readjusting my dress back into its place. Nathan’s hand is still on my hip, his fingers toying with the hem. I muster all the will power I have, and cautiously, link his hand with mine.

  “I just thought I’d give you a heads up that Roxy’s on her way. You know I won’t be able to hold her off for too long, so make it quick.” Logan tacks on the end. “Whatever it is you’re doing.” Practically, hearing his wink, his snicker becomes fainter and fainter as he leaves.

  I sigh, knowing that whatever is happening between us, is long over. Peering up at Nathan, his entire expression is still gazing down at me. Lust and desire fill his eyes, as well as something else, that deep down I don’t want to delve into just yet.

  Gently, I push him back and hop off the desk, my legs turning to jelly underneath me. Nathan reaches out to steady me and the instant contact clouds my resolve. I’ve never wanted something so much, but even I know this has drama written all over it. Drama, I don’t need nor want.

  Nathan cups the side of my face, searching my expression. I’ve gotten surprisingly good at hiding what I’m feeling, but when I’m with Nathan, it throws me off kilter. It’s like he’s the only person to see through my façade, reading me like I read a book, quickly and easily.

  “Isabella, I have to know just one thing. Do you remember?” His questioning words break me out of my trance. I should have guessed that was coming, but now he’s out right asked me, I’m confused how to respond. I don’t want to lie to him, but I don’t want to lead him on. It’ll give him false hope, that I’ll suddenly remember everything and want to pick things back up with him and that’s not fair to either of us. The hope that radiates off him is slightly suffocating so I maneuver out of his sight and grip.

  I wander over to the floor length window that looks out over the town. The black of the night and the brightness of the stars draws me in. Leaning forward, I press my forehead against the cool glass of the window, before stealing a deep breath in, I reply.

  “I remember bits.” Nathan’s gasp halts me in my speech, I swivel slightly to see he’s joined me by the window. He watches me with such an intense faith and passion, I know I have to make him see that this isn’t what he thinks it is. “But that’s all it is. I remember certain things but none of it changes this. Us. Me.” Nathan’s expression darkens by the second, the hope deliberately being replaced with unadulterated anger. His shoulders tense when he locks his arms in front of himself, completely closed off to both me and the world. I don’t want to hurt him, but he must realize that this is for the best. I mean, I’m broken beyond repair and I know he’s definitely dealing with demons from his past.

  “How can you say that? How can you stand there and say what just happened meant nothing?” His voice is low and gravelly, spitting out the words. The fire and venom behind his words has me subconsciously retreat backwa
rds. He spots the move, then shakes his head while he fumes. His breathing becomes deep, before he begins to run his fingers through his already disheveled hair.

  “I didn’t say it meant nothing. I just said it doesn’t change us. Whatever we are.” I whisper out the words and then look everywhere but Nathan. It’s fucking painful watching him and I’m desperate for an escape.

  “It’s the same thing Isabella.” The silence that surrounds us becomes unbearable. I sneak a glance around his room and for the first time tonight, I actually take in my surroundings.

  The walls are bare and apart from his bed, the desk and a dresser in the corner, there’s no furniture, no pictures, or personal items. The room for all intents and purposes is a bedroom, but it looks like it’s unlived in. Nathan’s stormy blue eyes catch my own, and I find myself unable to relent. The anger is still there, but other emotions are coming to light. The hurt, the fear, the insecurity, the most surprising one of them all. It’s obvious he thinks it’s because of him, when in reality its anything but.

  “I know you’re probably confused but let me explain. I just don’t know what to think or feel. Up until a few months ago, I wasn’t even sure what I knew and didn’t know. All these memories keep coming back to me, and I have no idea how to handle any of it.” Nathan opens his mouth to interrupt but I hold my hand up to stop him. “You have to understand, that I didn’t think I’d ever see you again, let alone deal with remembering all the shitty things that went on in my past. It’s overpowering and slightly disorientating, knowing you’re here and we’re going to be in each other’s lives somehow. I just need time to make sense of everything.” I emphasize the word time and I head towards his door, refusing to wait for his response. If I hang around long enough, he’ll realize that I’m moments away from splintering at the seams. As soon as I reach the door though, it swings open, smacking me square in the face, causing me to stumble backwards.