Hard to Love

by S M Mala

  ‘No, I don’t.’ She was starting to get annoyed. ‘I hope you’re not implying I’m a miserable person.’

  ‘You said it.’

  After making various train changes, Mabel got to the station for noon. Half of her thought he wasn’t going to turn up, but she had the directions to the hotel.

  Nothing would surprise her.

  The fact she was willing to support him showed some sense of care from the agency though he wasn’t to know she was a shareholder.

  Walking outside, she didn’t see a car and realised he had changed his mind.

  Then there was a loud beep of a horn and he pulled up in his flash wheels.

  Mabel watched him get out.

  He looked stunning in a black suit and tie. Any other time she would have thought he was going to a party or doing some modelling. He lifted his sunglasses and narrowed his eyes when he looked at her. Taking the case, he placed it in the boot.

  She took that as an indication for her to get into the car.

  ‘How are things?’ she asked. He pulled the shades down. ‘Has everyone arrived?’

  ‘Yes, they’re all here.’

  ‘And your mum?’

  ‘Devastated, obviously.’

  ‘Obviously.’

  Mabel looked out of the window, not wanting to say anything to upset him.

  ‘Alex, if you don’t want me to accompany you, I don’t mind. You were really upset on Tuesday and probably in shock.’

  There was silence as he continued to drive.

  ‘The funeral is in half an hour. It gives you enough time to check-in at the hotel and drop off your bag. I’ve told them you’re a friend and work colleague.’

  ‘Which I am.’

  ‘Rose will be there with her mother.’

  ‘It’s going to be tough for her.’

  ‘It’s going to be tough for everyone.’

  He didn’t say another word as she went to the hotel, checked in and ran back out.

  Today she had chosen to wear heels.

  It wasn’t her wisest move.

  Parking the car, he got out and opened the door for her, as she noticed his pained expression.

  Mabel thought it was best to keep quiet but had to say.

  ‘Just be brave as you can.’

  Alex gave her an anguished look then walked ahead and she followed behind, making sure to stop a little away from the congregation. He went up to a woman and gave her a hug.

  It was blatantly his mother as she stroked his face.

  It made her want to cry, but she held on.

  People started making their way into the small church.

  That’s when Mabel realised the coffin had arrived.

  Rose was waving to her, with a big smile and Mabel waved back. She was with a woman; tall, slim and beautiful. It was no mistaking the ex-Mrs Chambers, who smiled at Mabel after Rose whispered something.

  Mabel sat at the back and watched the service.

  It was very sweet and Alex read something about his father, which was touching as it was upsetting. He loved his dad very much and mentioned his background, and how he got to be with them. Then she heard him mention his brothers, biological children from his foster parents.

  At one point, she looked up and caught his eye, as he took a deep breath before turning away. She felt exhausted for Alex and watched them take the coffin out to the graveyard.

  Again, she kept her distance and stopped at a tree, seeing Alex hold his mother’s hand as well as put a comforting arm around a younger man. Another man stood next to the woman and put his arm around her.

  For a fragmented family and someone who said he found it hard to love, it seemed he was doing a good job.

  Then Mabel felt her heels start to sink into the grass and realised she couldn’t go any closer, without the risk of breaking her shoe. Considering she had sat down for the past hour, her feet were sore.

  Everyone knew where to go afterwards except Mabel and Alex wasn’t to be seen.

  ‘Hello Mabel,’ Rose said, standing behind her. ‘This is my mum.’

  ‘Hello Rose,’ she said, bending down. ‘I’m sad for your loss.’

  ‘He was nice my granddad.’

  ‘I’m Francesca,’ the woman said, putting out her hand. ‘Rose has told me all about you and Lottie and Jess, is that right?’

  ‘They’re my friends,’ Rose replied, looking up at her mother and holding her hand.

  ‘Thank you for letting her have roast chicken at your home,’ Francesca said, forcing a smile. ‘She loves her Sunday roasts. Are you coming to the house for something to eat and drink?’

  ‘I don’t really know anyone and I came here to support Alex as a friend.’ She made sure she put that in. ‘I think it’s a small family occasion so I’ll go back to the hotel.’

  ‘You can’t have come all this way to go home just yet?’ she asked, looking confused.

  ‘Honestly, I don’t mind. I’ll see you soon.’ Mabel put her hand out and shook Francesca’s hand. ‘It was nice to meet you. Rose is such a lovely child.’

  ‘Are you coming?’ A man said to Francesca, putting an arm around her shoulder. It was her new husband who wasn’t as handsome as her ex. ‘The traffic’s going to be busy.’

  ‘Mabel, you should come with us,’ Francesca said, looking confused. ‘If Alex wanted you to be here, he had his reasons.’

  ‘Shall I be honest? My feet are killing me and I need to change my shoes,’ she said, watching the woman smile.

  ‘Let me give you the address.’ She handed Mabel a slip of paper from the funeral service programme. ‘I’ll tell Alex.’

  Slipping discreetly away, Mabel managed to hail a cab and go back to the hotel.

  The last thing she wanted was to turn up to a house where she didn’t know anyone, let alone the person who had asked her to come.

  Alex was probably regretting it and decided to dump her at the church, so as not to take her back.

  Mabel took off her tights and put her feet in the bidet, making sure the water was cold. Then she dried her legs and wiggled her toes, putting moisturiser on. She didn’t know whether to text him.

  The last thing he wanted to do was babysit her at his father’s funeral.

  It was only mid-afternoon.

  Her mobile started to ring and it was Alex.

  That’s when she was unsure whether to answer.

  ‘Hello,’ he said. ‘Where are you?’

  ‘I had to change my shoes. I can’t walk in heels so I came back to the hotel. I was going to get a cab and go to the house unless you don’t think it’s appropriate. I won’t be offended.’ There was silence on the other end of the phone. ‘Alex are you still there?’

  ‘Do you feel uncomfortable?’

  ‘A little.’

  ‘Well, then that makes two of us. I don’t know what to do!’ He let out a laugh that seemed a little strangled. ‘I need some help.’

  ‘What makes you think I know anything?’

  ‘Please help yourself.’

  Mabel was walking around handing out sandwiches as no-one wanted to go to the buffet. She had taken it upon herself to be the hired help.

  Alex was doing the same, and she suspected to avoid talking to people.

  She then decided to play barman and was happily pouring out large measures, making sure everyone was topped up.

  It wasn’t long before the semi-quiet room was now erupting with noise.

  From where she stood, Alex was mingling uncomfortably with people. Mabel spotted he wasn’t the most tactile person, often shying away from hugs and affection.

  A little like Mabel was from time to time.

  He caught her eye and glared.

  Mabel thought she had done something wrong so stood still as he walked closer.

  ‘Everything okay?’ she asked, smiling and giving a lovely elderly lady a very large gin and tonic. ‘Do you want a drink?’

  ‘You’re not drinking?’

  ‘Not if I’m in charge o
f the bar.’ Mabel freshened his scotch and handed it back. ‘There you go.’

  ‘You don’t need to do this.’

  ‘I need to do something.’ Mabel let out a sigh. ‘I think you should spend time with your family. Can you order me a cab? I’ll go.’ He then grabbed her arm gently and smiled. ‘I think that’s a look of relief that I won’t embarrass you.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  She felt a warm feeling rush through her gut, seeing his genuine look of gratitude.

  ‘It’s the least I could do.’

  Half an hour later her cab was waiting outside, and she gave her condolences to his mother.

  She was called Mary and seemed to be bearing up well.

  ‘I appreciate your help today,’ she said, holding Mabel’s hand. ‘I’ve been all fingers and thumbs.’

  ‘It was a pleasure. I am sad for your loss. He sounded like an amazing man.’

  ‘He was,’ she said and glanced down at Mabel’s hand. ‘You’re not married.’

  ‘Divorced.’

  ‘That’s a shame.’

  ‘Not really.’

  Mary laughed and then looked over at Alex, who was talking to one of his brothers.

  ‘He’s a complicated man, my Alexander. Sometimes he holds people at arm’s length because he’s scared of getting hurt. I can see it. Francesca was a lovely woman, but he let her down and himself. Do you mind me asking, are you and he together?’

  ‘Oh goodness no,’ Mabel said, letting out a little laugh. ‘He’d be insulted if you asked. I better go. I have an early train tomorrow morning.’ She leaned forward and kissed the woman. ‘I know it’s going to be hard, but you have a loving family, and that’s what matters.’

  Then she turned and walked out the house, towards the waiting car.

  ‘Mabel, wait up!’ Alex shouted, following her out. ‘Thanks for today.’

  ‘It was nothing. I’ll see you on Monday.’

  ‘Ah.’

  ‘Ah, what?’

  ‘Can I crash in your room?’

  ‘Aren’t you staying here?’ She noticed he rolled his eyes.

  ‘Some of the relatives are pissed. I don’t know why?’ he said, grinning. ‘Seems the bar person was a little generous with the drinks.’

  ‘Oh.’ Mabel tried not to blush from guilt.

  ‘What room are you in?’

  ‘It’s got a double bed,’ she said, getting worried. ‘And I might be asleep when you get back.’

  ‘It’s only six!’ he laughed out then leaned closer, sniffing. ‘And you’re not reeking from your usual bouquet of wine.’

  ‘Are you saying I smell of booze most of the time?’ Mabel glared at him before forcing a smile. ‘And you want to stay in my room?’

  ‘I’ll be there by eight. I’ll see you in the bar.’

  ‘What makes you think I’ll be there?’

  ‘Trust me,’ he laughed, walking away. ‘You will be.’

  ‘I knew it.’

  Alex was all smiles, all things considered, when he came into the hotel bar. ‘What are you drinking?’

  ‘Gin and tonic. Do you want one?’

  ‘Large please.’

  Mabel ordered more drinks and watched him take off his jacket before sitting down.

  Alex seemed to stand out, even looking dishevelled and a little pissed. He was more relaxed than usual.

  That was down to the alcohol.

  ‘Have you eaten?’ she asked, seeing him look around and eye up the women. ‘I’m going to get something.’

  ‘I’m not hungry.’

  ‘You can watch me.’

  The drinks turned up, and she examined him deep in thought, occasionally sighing then smiling. Mabel had ordered a portion of fries. She hadn’t eaten for most of the day and lost her appetite at the house.

  She started to tuck in, noticing he was looking at her.

  ‘Comfort food,’ she smiled.

  Alex sat forward and helped himself to the fries, all the time staring.

  ‘Why did you agree to come?’ he asked, sipping his drink. ‘Are you that bored?’

  ‘You looked upset. I thought you needed support.’

  ‘And that’s it?’

  ‘You and Rose have come for Sunday lunch a few times, so I don’t think of you as a stranger.’ Then she hesitated as he frowned. ‘Like an acquaintance. Not too close, not too distant.’

  He unexpectedly wiped her chin where some ketchup had dropped, before sitting back in his chair to continue eyeing up ladies.

  ‘Do you have some friends here?’ she asked, sitting back and letting out a deep breath.

  ‘Most of my friends are in London.’ Then he glared. ‘And I’ve not told them about this. I preferred to keep it private.’

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘Francesca thought you were nice, which is like the kiss of death,’ he frowned, starting to laugh. ‘Rose has been talking about your daughters none stop, especially Lottie. They keep in contact via email, did you know?’

  ‘No, I didn’t, but that’s nice.’

  ‘Mabel, can I say something?’ he began, and it was the tone he used when being observant. ‘I like the idea of calling us acquaintances. I wouldn’t go so far to say, friends. There is this needy side to you of wanting to be liked. Please don’t mention to anyone that we meet socially, or anything about today, if you don’t mind.’

  Sitting there, she took in what he was saying and could read between the lines.

  She would have to keep her distance.

  There was a little plummet in her gut, seeing that he didn’t like her that much.

  ‘Your street credibility can’t take the pounding if you’re with me,’ she honestly replied and smiled into her drink. ‘My pride is intact.’

  ‘That’s not what I meant.’

  ‘I think you’ll find, it is.’

  There was an uncomfortable silence as she glanced around the room before looking at him. Alex was examining her, up and down. This she didn’t like.

  ‘Don’t look at me like that,’ she said, startling him out it. ‘I don’t like the way you stare at me as if there’s something wrong, but only you can see it. It’s intimidating as it’s rude. So, you know, I’m not needy, far from it. I'm polite and well mannered. That’s how my mother brought us up.’

  ‘Us?’

  ‘Yes,’ she said, knowing not to say too much. ‘I told you, I have a brother, half-brother genetically, but it doesn’t feel like that. He still bosses me about.’

  ‘I’ve never seen you with your mother in all the time I’ve lived near. Do you see her?’

  ‘Most days.’

  ‘What does she do?’

  ‘This and that.’ Mabel smiled then thought to turn it around. ‘And the same goes for me. Please don’t tell people that you know things about me, especially about my ex. That’s far too personal. I know you’d be embarrassed to be seen with me. Funnily enough, I feel the same way too.’

  Alex laughed out loudly and smiled.

  ‘I see why they say you’re hard to love,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘Are you still in love with your ex-husband? Is that what the problem is?’

  She suddenly thought about Wes and the impending operation.

  ‘What did I say?’ he asked, leaning forward. ‘Mabel are you all right?’

  ‘What? Fine,’ she said, shaking the thought away. ‘I’m not in love with him anymore. We’re on speaking terms. Just the necessary things.’

  ‘You don’t hold a grudge?’ Alex asked, ordering two more drinks.

  ‘I can be very stubborn, but that’s what I’m like when I’ve been hurt. I don’t want to speak to the person again because I feel let down. And forgiveness isn’t in my nature.’ She looked at him. ‘So, when you piss me off, I’ll stop talking. It might be a good ploy for you to piss me off if you think I’m needy and clingy.’

  ‘I never said clingy!’ he laughed out. ‘Don’t put words into my mouth.’

  ‘How can I when there are so many in ther
e already?’

  ‘You can sleep on that side.’

  Mabel made sure she was near the bathroom.

  It wasn’t that she was riled about Alex’s comments throughout the evening.

  But she played along, hoping it was grief talking; not hot air from his backside.

  ‘Why can’t I sleep on that side?’ he asked, throwing his jacket over a chair.

  ‘I want to sleep there, and you’re the uninvited guest, not me, so be grateful.’

  He went straight for the fridge and took out some bottles from the mini bar. She glared at him and in response, he shrugged.

  ‘I’ll pay for it,’ he said, reaching for the glasses.

  Going to the bathroom and grabbing her nightdress, she locked the door and got changed. After brushing her teeth, she put on the big white towelling robe and hotel courtesy slippers, which were too big, before going back to the room.

  Alex was sprawled over the bed, watching television; his shirt riding up and exposing his flat tummy.

  Once upon a time Mabel would have been shocked to see another man, other than her husband, on a bed. But now, after sex sessions with Bob Jones, it didn’t bother her. She knew Alex preferred younger women and probably saw her as a substitute big sister.

  He glanced over, got up and walked to the bathroom, shutting the door.

  Mabel smiled when he locked it.

  Taking her drink, she threw off the towelling robe and got into bed.

  It was heavenly.

  The mattress was soft, and she was happy to sleep. Slowly she started to doze off.

  Then the door opened, and Alex practically threw himself on the bed, making her bounce up before continuing to watch television. He was lying on his stomach, his head towards the end of the bed and his feet on the pillows.

  She decided to get cosy again and then he got up, this time sitting at the bedhead.

  ‘Are you sleeping?’ he asked. ‘You’ve not finished your brandy.’

  ‘Have it.’

  He leant over and took the glass but not before peering into her face. Mabel looked at him as he grinned.

  ‘What?’ she asked frowning.

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘Stop staring and go away.’