Hard to Love

by S M Mala

  ‘What about my granddaughters?’

  ‘I’m their mother so how tainted are the kids?’

  ‘They have been blessed with the blood of Wes to make them better. You need to send them to church, especially Jess. She is wayward like you.’

  ‘Wayward?’ Mabel wanted to laugh.

  ‘Many boyfriends before Wes.’

  ‘Two!’

  ‘Two too many.’ Baba sat down in the other chair and folded her arms across her large bosom. ‘I find your life very confusing. You own a company where you do not want people to know who you are. You do not work a full day. What example is that to set your children?’

  ‘Had your son decided not to let his spunk be used on a Petri dish with that excuse for a woman, I wouldn’t have to work like this. You see, a child needs their parents and I should know.’

  ‘You have no parents and do not tell me that white woman is a mother to you?’

  ‘You know what Baba? You’re jealous of Joanna. She never needed anyone to help her make money. She did it on her own. And she helped her children in the process.’

  ‘Children!’ The woman tutted. ‘More like hussy!’

  ‘Oh, shut the fuck up!’ Mabel shouted, unable to hold it back. ‘She also helped Wes with his business. Be careful I don’t make her ask for him to pay back the cash. Because I will, you know.’

  ‘I was right to introduce him to Tafari. She is a good woman and goes to church. I knew God would forgive Wes for not telling you about his plans to start a family with her. And he did. It gave him a son!’

  ‘What did you say?’ Mabel got to her feet and walked closer.

  ‘I got him to sign the papers and I paid for the IVF.’ She looked at Mabel smugly. ‘And I thought it was wonderful when she fell pregnant. I knew my son would never stand by you after the baby.’

  Her heart was racing in her chest, and she was going to kill Baba but held onto it, knowing the woman had probably bided her time to make this attack.

  ‘I divorced him for adultery though now I know why he couldn’t get it up. Also, did you know, even after he got her pregnant, he begged for me to take him back? I refused! And thank goodness I did.’ Mabel watched Baba recoil in horror. ‘And I’m pleased I never had another kid with him as it might have come out as ugly as you! Oh no! It did with Edward!’

  ‘You are a nasty woman!’ Baba shouted.

  ‘And you’re just nasty!’

  The door was flung open, and the consultant walked in as they both turned.

  Just by looking at the man’s face, Mabel knew what he was going to say next.

  ‘May, just take deep breaths.’

  Calum was holding her tightly after bringing her back from hospital.

  She couldn’t remember much other than the screaming and shouting of Baba.

  As soon as the consultant confirmed that Wes had died, Mabel grabbed the woman and hugged her for dear life, feeling the fat fists thump angrily at her body until Baba broke down in tears.

  Not knowing how she did it, Mabel called Wes’s brother and sister as well as Calum.

  In half an hour the room was bursting with people, all sobbing their eyes out.

  Except for Mabel.

  While no-one realised, she had gone to see Wes, and he looked fast asleep.

  That’s when she placed a kiss on his lips and said goodbye.

  It was all she could do.

  On her return, she stood in shock.

  When Calum walked in, he took her out of the room.

  ‘I can’t breathe,’ she said, trying to gulp air as he held her up against the wall. Calum put the paper bag to her mouth as she tried to regulate her breathing. ‘I can’t.’

  ‘You can.’ Calum was crying and trying his hardest to stop the tears flowing. ‘Just take it slowly.’

  She wiped her brother’s tears away with her hand and looked at him.

  ‘Don’t cry,’ she said, seeing he was falling to pieces. ‘Please don’t cry.’ Then she closed her eyes. ‘I have to see the girls.’

  ‘Oh God,’ he gasped, breaking down into tears as she held him tightly. ‘How are you going to tell them?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  Driving to their mother’s house, Mabel didn’t know what to think.

  Her head was reeling, and she wondered if Wes had a deep suspicion that he was going to pass away.

  But all she cared about was breaking the news to her babies.

  They arrived at the house just gone seven in the evening, and she looked at Calum.

  ‘I’m going to need your help,’ she said quietly, seeing he was devastated. ‘They are going to go through all the things we both did and it will be hard. We must make sure we give them support. Can you do that for me?’

  ‘He’s dead.’

  ‘I know,’ she calmly said, trying to take it all in. ‘And now I have to tell them.’

  Getting out of the car slowly, she held his hand as they walked down the drive to the front door.

  Mabel rang the bell and Joanna was laughing as she opened it.

  The girls were giggling in the front room.

  ‘Hello! Come join the party!’ she cheerfully shouted out.

  Joanna looked at Mabel and Calum; her smile wiped off her face.

  Stepping in, Mabel kissed her mother then walked into the living room of the extremely large house. The girls were sprawled on the floor eating pizza.

  ‘Hi, mum! Do you want a piece?’ asked Lottie, coming up to her and giving a hug.

  ‘Lottie and Jess,’ Mabel said, taking a deep breath. ‘I have something to tell you.’

  ‘Go back to bed.’

  Mabel was up early, and Joanna was sitting in the kitchen, looking upset and tired. ‘The girls will want you there.’

  She had spent the night comforting her sobbing children, and it broke her heart.

  Never had she heard the wails of pain from them. It made her feel physically sick, especially when Lottie had cried so much she vomited.

  Her mother was wonderful, having dealt with Calum and her when they were going through the same thing.

  Jess had been crying but very much like Mabel, she was shell-shocked and confused.

  It wasn’t until the early hours of the morning did the children fall asleep.

  Today was going to be tough when reality sunk in.

  And still Mabel couldn’t comprehend what had happened.

  Soon after waking, she had spent the time sending emails to their mutual friends and some relatives. She told school the girls were starting their Easter holidays a day earlier due to their father passing away.

  All she had to do now is wait to hear about the funeral, and help the girls get through it.

  She wasn’t quite sure if she could get through it herself.

  Still not one tear fell, and Mabel couldn’t understand why.

  Then she heard the footsteps coming down the stairs and just seeing Lottie’s face could sum up the pain everyone felt.

  Mabel ran to her child and hugged the dear life out of her as Lottie sobbed in her arms.

  Even for a moment when Mabel woke, she had forgotten what had happened.

  When she did, it hit her chest like a dead weight.

  ‘I want to see my daddy!’ cried Lottie as Mabel looked at her mother crying her eyes out. ‘I want my daddy!’

  Looking up, she saw Jess at the top of the stairs, trying to hold it all in as Mabel whispered,

  ‘It’s all right to cry.’

  And as her youngest ran up to them, Mabel realised the only one who couldn’t shed a tear was her.

  ‘Alex!’

  Mabel shouted, seeing him walk across the park towards his flat.

  She had been off for two weeks and was due back in work on Monday.

  All the time she had wanted to contact Alex and tell him what had happened but didn’t want to burden him considering he lost his father recently.

  ‘Alex!’ she shouted once again, but he wasn’t stopping. ‘Alex!’


  Then he did but stood perfectly still. She ran up to him and touched his arm but was a little surprised when he rebuffed her. As he turned to look at her, he seemed angry.

  ‘Hello,’ she said, feeling her heart pound with happiness for the first time in weeks.

  ‘Go away, Mabel,’ he said, looking down at the ground.

  The comment stunned her.

  ‘I wanted to talk to you,’ she said, instantly confused. ‘I need to tell you -.’

  ‘I don’t care,’ he said flatly, glaring at her. ‘One minute you want to talk, the next minute you don’t even come to work, leaving everything hanging in the air. Couldn’t you have fucking well picked up the phone to say where you were? You know how many projects we’ve got on, and you left us in shit.’

  ‘Calum and Joanna knew,’ she whispered, not wanting to cry for the first time since Wes’s death. ‘The team had it under control. I had to take some time off because-.’

  ‘Go away!’ he snapped, making her step back. ‘People like you just fuck around with others. One minute you act like you care and the next thing you piss off without a word!’

  ‘Can you let me explain? I know you’ll understand how I’m feeling right now,’ she said, hearing the plea in her voice. ‘I need to speak to you more than anyone else and-.’

  ‘I don’t care! God, how could I have been pulled into your needy routine? And don’t ask me to come and eat burnt roast dinner again, okay?’

  ‘I’ve had a really bad time and-.’

  ‘And I’m not a replacement father for your kids! So, don’t try this happy family shit with me because it doesn’t work.’

  ‘My kids have got a father,’ she said, feeling her chest squeeze hard. ‘That’s not what I was doing.’

  ‘Keep away from me!’ he angrily said. ‘Don’t speak to me. You’re just not what I thought, okay.’

  ‘I need a friend right now. Please?’

  ‘I’m not your friend. I never was!’

  He marched off, and she didn’t know what to do.

  What he didn’t realise, and she did, Mabel desperately needed him.

  Alex was the only one she had thought about and wanted to speak to.

  Now, like Wes, he simply had turned his back on her and walked away.

  ‘I’m okay.’

  Joanna walked into her office. ‘Honestly mum, don’t worry.’

  Mabel had been back a week and no-one asked a thing.

  The rumour was that she had to leave on family business.

  The girls had found it torturous to return to school. Mabel had to rush back home on Monday to collect a sobbing Lottie.

  By Friday, everything seemed okay and Jess was supporting her older sister.

  And there were nightmares from both the girls. Seeing their father displayed in the church had left a deep wound. Lottie tried to wake him, thinking he was sleeping. That’s how surreal it got.

  But it was too real.

  Even for Mabel.

  ‘Work will focus you,’ her mum said gently, pulling a chair and sitting down. ‘I want to hold you in my arms so much because I can see you’re really hurting.’

  ‘Don’t let anyone know what happened. It’s private.’

  ‘I know Mabel.’ Then she grimaced. ‘You know Alex is seeing this freelance creative director that started last week. All the girls are jealous. And here I was thinking that you and he were getting on. Have you spoken to him?’

  ‘No,’ she weakly smiled, trying not to look where he sat.

  A few times she had glanced over and caught his eye. He stared at her until she had to look away. Alex was so angry and she didn’t understand why.

  Then again, she didn’t know him at all.

  A tall Japanese woman walked into the creative office and she knew that was who he was shagging.

  Her heart sunk.

  ‘Is it her? She’s beautiful,’ Mabel said seeing Alex walk up to the woman. He seemed totally enthralled by everything she was saying. ‘Is she here for long?’

  ‘A few weeks. She’s helping with some of the ‘Love to Love’ pitch.’ Joanna smiled sweetly. ‘Is it true you made up seeing someone there? That’s what everyone’s saying.’

  ‘A further notch on my lack of credibility.’ Mabel put her head against the back of her chair. ‘I’ve not seen him for weeks and I’m not sure now.’

  ‘He’s real?’ Joanna moved closer. ‘But they’re saying that there’s no record of him making contact.’

  ‘Well, he did with me. I’ll get a photo next time. That’s if there is a next time. Introducing someone new to the girls isn’t going to be good right now. They’ll want it just to be us.’ Mabel bit her lip. ‘I’ll wait before speaking to them about grief counselling.’

  ‘And you?’ She moved closer and touched Mabel’s hand. ‘What about you?’

  ‘Right now,’ she said, glancing at Alex looking lovingly into the eyes of someone else. ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘I’ll see you later.’

  Alex was talking to his beautiful woman. He had been standing at the bus stop, the following Wednesday morning, eating her face off.

  Mabel stood to the side knowing not to go too close.

  It hurt her to see he acted as if they never spent time together.

  Had never been friends.

  Paolo told Tommy that Alex didn’t want to work with Mabel as he thought she was unreliable, especially with the new business pitches and queried her overall standard of work.

  Hurtful as it was to hear, she realised it was best to keep out of his way and let her assistants take over more responsibility.

  And she had good reason to do it.

  Mabel wanted to leave the business and stay with her kids.

  That’s where her place was; being there for them.

  She felt physically sick because today it was time to see Wes’s solicitor to hear about the will.

  All she had heard through Wes’s sister is that his estate was split between the three children and he left an arrangement for Baba until she died, which then would go to his dependents. A surprise was he gave his life insurance against the remainder of Mabel’s mortgage, immediately paying it off, and advising the difference to go into an account for his daughters.

  Placing her head against the window, she felt a tear trickle down the side of her face.

  She wasn’t crying, just thinking about the last time she saw Wes when he was alive and what he said.

  Every time it crossed her mind, she wondered if he knew he was going to die, to leave her and the kids.

  And that upset her the most because, once again, he decided not to say.

  Then she tried not to look out of the window at Alex, but did, watching him smile and hug the woman.

  That’s all she wanted him to do to her. Wrap his arms around her and pretend to be her friend for the moment she really needed him.

  But it wasn’t ever going to happen.

  He was looking into the woman’s face, full of gentleness.

  Another tear fell from Mabel’s eye, yet no sign of a sob.

  Just then she realised he was looking at her and seemed perplexed before turning around and walking onto the bus. Mabel quickly wiped her face and pulled the hood of her coat over her head, desperately trying to hide how hurt she felt.

  It was pathetic how she was feeling seeing Alex with another woman.

  She had seen him with so many and it didn’t bother her then, but now it hurt. Then she recalled what he said to her when she tried to speak to him and felt let down.

  He was the only one who would understand her pain but he didn’t care.

  Alex told her to go away.

  The whole thing was excruciatingly humiliating and now hurtful.

  Her tears continued to flow with her eyes shut and she consistently wiped them away, hoping they would dry.

  It was when it was time to get off, three stops earlier than usual, Mabel realised Alex had been sitting next to her throughout the journey and
hadn’t said a thing.

  ‘Excuse me,’ she said, trying to overcome the shock of seeing him there as she turned to get off.

  It was when he reached out and touched her face, to catch a tear it before it fell. Mabel glanced up. He seemed pained, so she put her head down and got off the bus.

  As soon as she got around the corner and was out of sight, she let out a massive sob, before pulling herself together.

  As each day went by, the reality of Wes’s death was slowly sinking in.

  And she missed him.

  Never wanting to tell anyone, Mabel was heartbroken that he had gone and she didn’t know how to cope. She wasn’t the grieving widow but she was someone who loved him unconditionally and still did.

  He was the love of her life and had been for such a long time.

  But when she got to the solicitors, the love of her life left her with one final surprise.

  ‘Are you sure?’

  Mabel was sitting in the car outside Baba’s home. ‘A whole night?’

  ‘She needs us, and we need her,’ Lottie said, holding her mother’s hand. ‘Unless you want us to stay?’

  ‘What you’re doing is very kind,’ whispered Mabel, still remembering the fat fists punching her. ‘Jess, do you want to stay too?’

  ‘She’s going to be a pain, but Granny Baba asked for us to see her.’ Jess pondered. ‘Maybe we’ll have to spend a night every fortnight with her until she feels better. That’s what dad would have wanted.’

  ‘You’re good kids.’ Mabel kissed them and watched them walk to the front door.

  As soon as she saw Baba, knowing the old sow would want to continue her verbal assault from the hospital, she sped off.

  Her phone started to ring.

  It was Lee.

  She hadn’t heard from him in weeks and had forgotten about him.

  But not Alex.

  Every time she saw or heard of him, there was a little spasm of pain in her gut.

  For days, she saw them at the bus stop. It was upsetting for Mabel, so she decided to go on the earlier route just to avoid him. He was so openly affectionate towards his new woman, she realised Alex might have fallen in love.