Hard to Love

by S M Mala

  She heard laughter, then raised voices before a hushed silence while gazing out at the sky.

  It was only when she saw an orange roll towards her, did she realise her attention was needed. Putting out her hand, she stopped it falling off the table.

  As she looked up, Alex was sitting next to her, and the others were staring.

  ‘Did I miss something?’ she asked, looking around and sitting up.

  ‘She didn’t hear,’ Alex said. ‘I better explain it to Mabel on her own.’

  ‘Explain what?’

  ‘Why can’t we know?’ asked Paolo, getting agitated. ‘I hope her nil response hasn’t ruined our chances.’

  ‘It’s private, and I need to discuss this alone,’ Alex said diplomatically.

  It was odd, watching them leave while glancing back.

  There was something going on.

  ‘How are you?’ he asked, leaning forward. ‘You have an odd expression.’

  She didn’t know how to explain what she was feeling.

  ‘Tell me what you have to say then I can go.’

  Mabel looked down at the orange and rolled it back to him.

  What was unnerving was how she felt about sitting close to Alex. After his impromptu and aggressive kiss, she was confused knowing he did it to wind her up.

  All she could feel was an enormity of pain knowing he didn’t like her and recalling his snogging the woman at the bus stop, oblivious to Mabel watching.

  ‘Mabel, I’ve never criticised you. You should know me a little bit better than that.’

  ‘I don’t know you at all,’ she whispered, realising it was the truth. ‘I need to go.’

  ‘Listen, someone did hack into your account at ‘Love to Love’. I only found out.’

  ‘Must have been Paolo. No harm was done.’ She let out a weak laugh. ‘Is that it?’

  ‘This is serious. Somehow you got targeted.’

  ‘I don’t get what you’re saying.’

  ‘What I’m saying is this guy contacted you directly. That’s why there’s no trace in the main server but only in your emails, but he doesn’t use an email address.’ He gulped hard and looked at her. ‘You need to tell me everything.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘You could have got hurt.’

  ‘If Wes hadn’t left me, then this wouldn’t have happened,’ Mabel whispered, feeling her throat constrict as she spoke.

  It was an awful feeling rushing through her body. As if something hit her hard in the back and then the chest when she looked into Alex’s eyes.

  She had a panic attack.

  ‘Oh, my fuck!’ he shouted, grabbing her shoulders.

  ‘I can’t breathe!’

  ‘Slow down and take your time,’ Alex said gently before shouting out. ‘Someone get me a paper bag, quick!’

  Mabel’s eyes were watering, and she felt like she was going to die.

  Heidi rushed in with a small sandwich bag, and Alex shaped it so Mabel could breathe into it.

  It smelt of bacon.

  Alex was trying to wipe her tears away, but they wouldn’t stop.

  All she did was look at Alex, and he seemed at a loss on what to do.

  ‘I can’t stop them,’ she whispered, watching Heidi walk away. ‘Why won’t they stop?’

  He held her face and looked at her.

  ‘You’re bottling it all up and it’s going to come out, whether you like it or not.’

  Every ounce of energy she had left her body as she sat there, unable to focus on what was going on around her.

  ‘Let me take you home,’ he whispered, stroking the tears away. ‘This is what happens when you try to be strong; you eventually become weak.’

  ‘I’ll go home.’ She stood up and faltered, falling back into the chair. ‘In a minute.’

  Alex got up and walked outside, but she looked up at the clouds floating by in the sky.

  Nothing else mattered.

  ‘I’m fine. Go back to work.’

  She insisted being dropped off at the park as Alex got out the cab. ‘I can walk home.’

  He hadn’t said a word, and she managed to stop the tears falling.

  Everything was buzzing in her head, like a loud conversation.

  Mabel walked across the park and stood there then turned to Alex.

  ‘Honestly, I need some fresh air. I’ll see you later. If you get a cab straight back, you won’t have missed most of the morning.’

  She felt odd. It was if he wasn’t there and it could have been a dream.

  ‘I need time alone,’ added Mabel.

  He looked unconvinced but slowly walked away.

  Mabel was stood by the swings and remembered the girls loved having their daddy push them. Their laughter rang in her ears and then she thought of Wes.

  She put her headphones on and ‘How do you mend a broken heart’, flooded into her ears.

  It was terrifyingly sudden the grief that smashed inside her chest, whirling upwards and outwards.

  The rain started to fall, and she stood there, watching people run and seek shelter.

  But Mabel didn’t want to because she could hear her children and see Wes with them.

  Image after image came into her head until it felt all too much, and she realised she needed to go home.

  When she turned, her mind went blank, and she couldn’t remember where she lived, and no-one was there to ask. The drips of water fell down her face then she heard the deep rumble of thunder before the lightening smashed in the sky.

  Still she couldn’t recall which direction to go, and not knowing where to turn.

  Then she started to cry.

  Because Mabel was heartbroken.

  Totally heartbroken about losing Wes.

  ‘I’m lost,’ she said, falling to her knees and sobbing. ‘I don’t know what to do.’

  She sobbed uncontrollably because that’s all she could do.

  ‘I know May Day, I know,’ he whispered, taking out her headphones. ‘It’s okay. I’m here now.’

  ‘Wes is dead. He was the love of my life. The father of my girls. What am I going to do?’

  Then a pair of arms wrapped around her shoulders, pulling Mabel up to her feet, but she couldn’t see anything.

  The tears and rain had put paid to that, as she walked out of the park, her body shaking violently.

  All she could hear was the pain in her crying getting louder and louder.

  Wes was gone for good.

  ‘Look at me.’

  Alex was holding her face, and she could just about make him out. ‘You can’t stay in these wet clothes.’

  ‘He’s dead,’ she said, trying not to collapse. ‘I loved him and he’s dead.’

  ‘Oh Mabel,’ he whispered, looking into her eyes. ‘Let me get you changed.’

  ‘And he left me something and I don’t know. I’m confused.’

  She stood there dripping wet as he held her hand and walked her into the bathroom. Slowly he removed her sandals and then the rest of her clothes, leaving Mabel standing in her underwear. Alex turned around as she took them off and put on a dressing gown he was holding out, pulling the large hood over her head.

  All the while she cried and cried, unable to stop.

  He took her hand, taking Mabel to sit down on the sofa. She stared up at the angry grey sky, swirling about her head.

  The thunder and lightning were very loud, and she pushed herself back into the sofa.

  He returned, wearing dry clothing, and sat next to her.

  ‘You should have told me,’ he said, touching her shoulder. ‘I wished I’d let listened at the time. I’m so sorry.’

  Holding her hands together, she couldn’t speak. The tears fell like the blistering rain against the large windows. Alex leaned over and started wiping her face with tissues, all the while looking at her.

  He then grabbed her hand and held it gently in his, as she sat there and sobbed.

  Then Mabel closed her eyes and fell asleep.

  Sh
e startled herself awake, only to find she was lying down, her head surrounded by soft pillows. Slowly her focus came, and she saw an orange placed on the pillow next to her.

  She was in Alex’s bed.

  She touched her body to find the dressing gown was firmly wrapped around her; and then she looked at the time.

  It was nearly three o’clock, and she had been asleep for nearly four hours.

  Over six weeks she hadn’t slept longer than two hours without waking up.

  Then she heard the music again.

  Al Green singing to her, before she realised it was being played from the other room.

  Getting up slowly, she looked through the glass wall partition and couldn’t see him, but then noticed her dry clothes were hanging on a chair.

  Mabel needed to get home so she could pull herself together, but now she had a pounding headache.

  The towelling robe slipped to the ground as she stepped over to the chair and got dressed. Outside there was no trace it had been raining, other than large puddles in the dips of the pavement.

  Then she turned, and Alex was sitting at the table watching her.

  She froze.

  ‘I looked away. Your modesty is still intact,’ he smiled then glanced back down at his computer. ‘You look better.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’ Then the pain washed over her again, but this time she held the tears. ‘I don’t know what’s happening.’

  ‘Grief,’ he mumbled, getting to his feet. ‘Do you want a cup of tea or coffee?’

  ‘I better call Calum to say where I am.’

  ‘I rang him.’ Alex cleared his throat. ‘He knows you’re upset.’

  Trying to say something, she couldn’t think of anything, then thought hard.

  ‘Can you turn the music off?’ she asked, not wanting to cry again.

  ‘You were playing this in your headphones, I thought-.’

  ‘I can’t listen to it, not now,’ Mabel replied, biting onto her lip. ‘Please?’

  He turned the music off via his remote control.

  ‘You know Calum pretty well, don’t you?’ he continued, thinking hard. ‘Your kids mentioned an Uncle Cal. Are your families very close?’

  ‘He knew Wes.’

  That wasn’t an outright lie.

  ‘I think we need to tell him about what we’ve found out about you and the dating website.’

  ‘No!’ she said, rushing forward. ‘You can’t do that!’

  ‘Why not? If someone at that company has manipulated the software to target certain individuals, then that’s not good.’

  ‘Look at all the money that has been spent on the pitch. You can’t throw it away!’ Mabel started to panic because she didn’t want Calum to find out what she did with Lee. ‘And the man I met was nice.’

  ‘Nice? Seriously, you think ‘nice’ is an acceptable description of a potential lover.’ Then he hesitated. ‘Or should I remove the word ‘potential’?’

  ‘I’m not proud of it,’ she replied, walking quickly over to her sandals that were left on the balcony to dry. ‘I needed a friend.’

  ‘A friend?’

  ‘Are you going to repeat everything I say?’ Taking a deep breath, she looked at Alex. ‘I wanted someone to hold me, to tell me everything was going to be okay. Not like the way the kids cuddle me, or my mother embraces me; but something more.’

  ‘And did you get it?’ he asked, pulling a concerned expression.

  ‘No,’ she replied, shaking her head from side to side. ‘And I don’t want it.’

  ‘From him or anyone?’

  ‘From him.’ Mabel walked back into the living room. ‘He said he knew someone at the agency, so maybe it was a genuine glitch.’

  ‘Don’t you think it’s a bit of a coincidence?’

  ‘The other four were fine, so it’s only me. He was a gentleman.’ Then she frowned thinking about the sex. ‘I suppose.’

  ‘From what I’m picking up here, your night of love wasn’t that good.’

  ‘There was no love involved.’

  ‘It was just sex. He didn’t do it for you?’

  ‘I had to think of other things.’ Now she was going to avoid looking at who she thought about. ‘Where’s my bag?’

  Spotting it then picking it up, she walked up to Alex and stopped where he was standing.

  ‘I’m sorry about my breakdown this morning. Thanks for being there.’ Mabel put out her hand to shake his as he looked at it then shook his head.

  ‘I’ve been worried about you,’ he seriously said as she stepped back. ‘Really worried.’

  ‘Why were you horrible? I don’t understand. Your dad passed away, and I didn’t want to unload what Wes had told me.’

  ‘But I kept asking for you to say because I knew something was wrong.’

  ‘When I wanted to tell you, you didn’t want to hear.’ Mabel started to get upset again, noticing he looked away. ‘I only wanted to talk to you.’

  ‘Why?’ Alex turned to stare. ‘Why me?’

  ‘I thought you’d understand more than anyone what it was like to lose someone you loved suddenly and-.’ Mabel couldn’t say any more, knowing her feelings were all jumbled up.

  ‘What did Wes leave you?’

  ‘A monumental problem.’

  ‘Baba, did you give her the money?’

  Mabel was standing in the over decorated living room, trying not to strangle the woman staring blankly at her. ‘Why would she want to take me to court?’

  ‘What are you talking about? You storm into my home, giving me a terrible fright then wave the paper in my face. God bless my son, Wesley, he would have been most anxious about your actions.’

  ‘That grumpy brown giant, who has probably got more corns on her toes than a can of corn from the Jolly Green Giant, has got a solicitor to contest me about the sperm. She is saying as his wife, she should have it!’

  ‘Then you are going to have to use it, are you not? That was his dying wish.’

  ‘It was not his dying wish. It was an offer,’ she replied, seeing Baba was itching to ask something. ‘I do have a choice.’

  ‘You are not young. And who says you will have a choice? Lottie wants a brother; she told me.’ Baba clasped her arms under her large bosoms. ‘And you should give her what she wants.’

  ‘Jess doesn’t want me to do it, so what do I do? Upset one and keep the other happy?’

  ‘You should be grateful he did this kind gesture.’

  ‘Kind gesture!’ she said, raising her hands in the air. ‘It wasn’t kind! It was him being conceited to think I’d want another little clone of him in my house.’ Mabel sat on the sofa and shook her head, looking at the letter. ‘Are you telling me you knew nothing about it?’

  ‘I do not want you giving that woman a drop of my son’s love juice.’ Mabel tried not to puke on hearing Baba say it. ‘Wesley told me that she wanted more and more from him, and he could not do it. She even had the audacity to come to my home and say he did not leave her enough in his will to cover her expenses.’

  ‘I’m not going to waste my money on this. She can have it!’

  ‘If she impregnates herself with it, then she will have a right to the inheritance of Wesley’s estate.’

  Mabel looked at Baba, realising what the woman was up to.

  ‘I thought you liked the African princess from Hackney? You told Wes to do it, make a baby with that thing,’ smirked Mabel, sitting back in the sofa. ‘Or has that changed?’

  ‘She did not come to see my son!’ Baba said angrily. ‘I called her the day before his operation and told her to stand by his side. I did not tell her you were there, as I wanted to cause no trouble.’

  ‘I don’t believe that for a moment,’ sniffed Mabel, shaking her head in utter disbelief.

  ‘Tafari was good at first, but soon changed. She turned up to church parading around like she was number one.’ Baba then sat heavily down next to Mabel, making her nearly bounce off the cushion. ‘And Wesley was never happy.’
/>
  ‘It’s your fault he got a bad heart,’ hissed Mabel, knowing it was mean

  ‘What a thing to say!’ barked Baba. ‘It is not that I did not like you, Mabel. I was always unsure about your background and breeding. One mother, two fathers, a white step-mother who speaks like royalty and your brother. Handsome boy but you do not look alike. It is all wrong!’

  ‘It’s called a modern family, pretty much like the one your part of.’ She took a deep breath. ‘You are many things, and I could name a list, but you are a good granny to my children. Somehow they seem to love you.’

  ‘Why do you look so surprised when you say that? I am a very loving grandparent.’ Then she pursed her lips. ‘Not all people have that skill.’

  ‘Luckily my mother does as the girls are going to need both of you to work together on this.’ Mabel stood up. ‘I take it you don’t want me to give her the sperm.’

  ‘Over my dead body! I might as well get an egg donation and have my own grandchild!’

  ‘Oh goodness Baba,’ Mabel said walking out with a hand over mouth, trying not to heave. ‘Sometimes you say the most horrible things.’

  ‘Jess don’t get upset.’

  Her child was dressed up in vintage punk rock clothing and glaring at Mabel. Joanna was sitting at the table admiring the outfit. ‘I’m giving you my honest opinion.’

  ‘I used to dress like that, you know. I was cutting edge,’ Joanna said, admiring Jess.

  ‘You were a model, grandma,’ replied Jess, smiling at her before growling at Mabel. ‘And I bet your parents let you express yourself.’

  ‘There’s expressing yourself, and then there’s looking like that,’ Mabel sighed, smiling at the Doctor Marten boots and ripped clothing. ‘Looks like you’ve been at my wardrobe.’

  ‘I just borrowed a few things!’ Jess smiled as Mabel realised she wasn’t joking. The child had taken one of her old black tops and cut great long slashes. ‘You don’t even wear it.’

  ‘Oh dear,’ said Lottie, walking into the living room clutching her tablet. ‘There’s always one in every year, and of course it had to be my sister.’

  ‘Girls, I’m tremendously proud of both of you,’ said Joanna, sitting up and looking at them. ‘In the past seven weeks it has been really tough and you’re both coping well.’