Hard to Love

by S M Mala

  ‘What did he say to you?’ Alex stepped closer, starting to look pissed off. ‘You seemed to have listened.’

  ‘You make people fall in love with you then walk away.’ Mabel didn’t want to show she was upset. ‘I hadn’t realised.’ He stood staring like he used to do when trying to figure something out. ‘Don’t feel pressurised to keep on seeing me if you don’t want to.’

  ‘Don’t say another word,’ was all he replied, taking her hand and walking down the road.

  He hailed a cab and put her in it, then followed, instructing the driver to go to his home.

  Alex sat next to her and stroked her face.

  ‘Not all men are going to shower you with words of love,’ he whispered as she turned to look at him. ‘If that’s what you want to hear, you’re going to be upset as it won’t come from me. I won’t cheat on you or see other people behind your back.’

  ‘What’s your reputation? I didn’t know and-.’

  He put his hand over her mouth.

  ‘Mabel, there were a few times when the people I saw thought they were in love. I didn’t feel the same way. I might have hurt them, but that was never the intention.’ He removed his hand from her mouth. ‘It was after the divorce, and I didn’t know where I was heading, or what I was doing. Do you understand?’

  ‘I think so.’

  ‘I get scared. It’s been a bad habit of mine since I was a teenager. It gets too much, and I worry it’s going to go wrong. Then I walk away, mainly to save hurting anyone and myself in the process.’

  ‘I see.’

  She didn’t like what she was hearing.

  ‘I’ve done that in every relationship, other than the casual ones. With Francesca I got scared, broke it all off then realised I had to stop doing it. I loved her and she, thank God, took me back. It was hard because she was worried I’d do it again. Then when the marriage failed, I sometimes thought I should have walked away. But if I had, there would be no Rose.’ He shook his head from side to side. ‘That’s a demon in my head I have to deal with.’

  Mabel soaked in what he was saying because he was telling her something.

  It was a warning.

  She felt it.

  ‘It’s Friday afternoon and the sun is shining,’ he said, now smiling. ‘What more do you want?’

  ‘Just you.’

  Then she noticed it.

  A flicker of confusion on his face.

  Mabel knew not to push him.

  He had warned her.

  That would be a mistake.

  He was delicate when it came to matters of the heart.

  But then she had a flash of uncertainty about Alex’s feelings for her.

  Something wasn’t sitting right, and she didn’t know what it was.

  ‘Shit, shit, shit.’

  Sitting at her laptop the next day, Mabel looked through all the invoices and wondered who the third name of S. Carshalton was.

  It dawned on her to do a historic search on the company.

  Then she saw it.

  Sonia’s CV and her full name Sonia Carshalton Goodyer.

  The third name on the company for Ignite Productions and Fire Films was S. Carshalton.

  Mabel felt sick.

  Sonia had started signing things off within six months of working for Mabel. Even by looking at the paperwork, it was around the time when she was splitting up with Wes.

  And Mabel had taken her eye off the ball, dividing up the work and didn’t even check to see what was going on. She trusted them because they were her team and would never let her down.

  How wrong she was.

  Anything that had been queried from accounts had been signed off by Sonia then backed up by Keith. There was no way anyone would question where the money was going.

  Then Mabel looked at the production costings and could see where Sonia had changed them from the originals. One thing Mabel always made them do is save new ones, and the originals were sent to her at the start of every job. Then she would make changes before distributing the work between her team.

  And any increase seemed to be with the two companies that Sonia’s name was on.

  It had happened all under Mabel’s nose, and she didn’t know anything about it.

  She wrote an email to all the board members, saying what she had found.

  Bruce was requested to lock everything so no-one could go into the accounts, and everything would be cross-checked by Mabel personally. She had password protected all the open jobs, only allowing her to make changes.

  Her mobile started to ring.

  ‘Mabel, why did you send this to mum?’ Calum hissed. ‘She’s going to go mad! I told you not to do anything.'

  ‘It’s one of my team,’ she quietly said. ‘It’s my fault too. We need to tell mum. We’ve let it go for too long.’

  ‘But the costs have come down.’

  ‘Rodney and Keith have monopolised the whole thing, and someone helped them. It’s not tens of thousands we have put into their pockets; it’s hundreds of thousands.’

  ‘Look, Mabel, I hired those guys in. It looks bad that I didn’t check, and you know what mum is like. She’ll want us to look through everything. Can’t you retract the email?’

  ‘I hired Sonia and they all came in around the same time. We’ve been stung, and I’m not letting it happen again. Leave this with me.’

  ‘You can’t-.’

  She hung up and emailed the lawyers, cc’ing her mother and brother. All the information, the contracts, the period it had happened were sent over.

  Her parting shot was she wanted to retrieve the cash and sack all three of them.

  But it hurt more that someone she trusted had deceived her in this way.

  This she could never forgive.

  ‘I’m not happy.’

  Joanna had summoned Calum and Mabel to an emergency meeting on Monday morning. The atmosphere in the office you could only cut with a chain saw.

  It was that thick.

  She had gone ballistic at both before calming down.

  ‘Why did no-one think of telling me?’ she barked. ‘I had a right to know. And who discovered it?’

  ‘I did,’ Mabel said, avoiding looking at her mother.

  ‘Do you know how much money they’ve taken from us to line their own pockets?’ Joanna was speaking in a tone where you didn’t mess with her. ‘And I am doing a full audit of this place.’

  ‘What? Calum said, looking annoyed. ‘Why?’

  ‘I need to see how much we’ve given those fuckers because I want every penny back!’

  Slightly shell shocked, Mabel walked back to her office after her mother’s ultimatum.

  ‘What are you doing in?’ Paolo asked with his usual sneer. ‘It’s Monday.’

  ‘You’ll be seeing a lot more of me,’ she said, trying not to pull a face.

  Then she spotted Sonia, who smiled.

  Even Mabel didn’t have the energy to pretend, she just nodded and slammed the door shut.

  Sitting with her head in her hands, her mobile rang, and it was Lee.

  ‘Now?’ she groaned and picked up the call. ‘Hello.’

  ‘Hello Mabel, how are you?’ he said, his tone a little different than usual.

  ‘A bit busy right now,’ she said, looking at her emails. ‘How can I help?’

  ‘I need to see you. It’s urgent.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I like you,’ he said, sounding breathless on the other end of the phone. ‘And I need you right now.’

  ‘Lee, I shouldn’t have slept with you. It was a mistake.’

  ‘Not from how it looks.’

  ‘What does that mean? How it looks?’

  ‘You need to see me face to face. You came to me. It wasn’t the other way around.’

  ‘Please Lee, don’t call me again.’

  Mabel hung up.

  Then he rang again, and this time she was going to tell him to bugger off.

  ‘I also filmed us making love. I edited out the
head shots of me. I’ll happily release that on the internet if you’d prefer? Unless we come to a compromise of some sort,’ Lee said, before hanging up.

  Mabel dropped her phone to the ground.

  ‘I’m going to kill him!’

  Alex was fuming when he dragged her out of the building, taking her for coffee. ‘So that’s what he does. Films having sex.’

  ‘Oh,’ was all she could say, feeling awful. ‘I can’t believe this is happening to me. My children! What if the girls find out?’

  Then she started to cry, the frustration of the past few days catching up with her.

  ‘Don’t get upset,’ he said, hugging her. ‘You didn’t consent to be filmed, did you?’

  ‘How can you ask that question?’

  ‘You were vulnerable and-.’

  ‘No, I did not! A film of him banging me doesn’t make me feel good.’

  ‘I think you’re at your most beautiful when we make love.’ He looked at her and smiled. ‘Aren’t you lucky you’re with me?’

  ‘I love you,’ she said, grabbing and kissing him, not caring who saw. ‘Is it a bad thing now, between me and you?’

  ‘Nothing has changed how I feel, other than I’m going to kick Lee Appleton’s balls so hard they come out of his mouth. We should tell your mother.’

  ‘Oh God, no!’ she said, shaking her head from side to side. ‘She’s really angry about Keith, Rodney and Sonia. I’m surprised she hasn’t called the police to arrest me and Calum.’

  ‘It would be interesting to see what you look like when thinking about having sex with me.’

  Mabel’s mouth dropped open.

  ‘Alex, you might not like me anymore.’

  ‘There’s nothing he would have done that will surprise me.’

  ‘He ate part of a banana out of my you know what.’

  Alex’s expression said it all.

  ‘You had no right!’

  Tafari had jumped out from behind a bush and startled Mabel as she walked across the park, towards Alex’s home.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ Mabel said, trying to catch her breath, as well as the oranges rolling out of her bag, before proceeding to head off.

  ‘Your solicitor told me you destroyed the sperm! How could you?’

  ‘Ah!’ Mabel put all the stray fruit into her carrier bag and looked up at Tafari, trying not to creak her neck.

  Dashing across the road, she realised Tafari was following then felt a large hand pull her arm back.

  ‘You’re a spiteful bitch, do you know that?’ The giant was towering over her. ‘All because he didn’t want you.’

  ‘Frankly, and don’t take this personally, his chemotherapy must have seriously mucked up his brain if he preferred you.’ Mabel glared at the woman. ‘Do you think going to church and praying will take away the fact you committed adultery with a married man?’

  ‘It was not adultery,’ she replied, stepping back and looking indignant. ‘We wanted a baby together.’

  ‘I managed to divorce him because it was. Do you think I’d gladly hand it over to you? He moved out of your home and was ill. Any fool could see that but not you. And now you’re telling me I should have conferred with you about something he left for me?’

  ‘I had every right to it!’

  Mabel stood there and looked at the woman.

  She didn’t look upset, just pissed off.

  ‘My children don’t like you. Not even Lottie. I wanted them to support their father, and they did. In the process, it made them unhappy. But I’m pleased they spent time with their father. That’s one thing I don’t regret.’

  ‘Your children are rude and nasty.’

  ‘Pardon me?’

  It was like a red rag to a bull.

  No-one spoke about her babies like that.

  ‘No manners. No, class. It is any wonder considering their mother’s background.’ Tafari glared. ‘An orphan brought up by a white woman!’

  ‘Don’t you speak about my children or my mother, do you hear me?’ she said, stepping closer. ‘I could trade insults with you, but there are no words to describe how ugly and nasty you are.’

  ‘I’m going to take you to court to get compensation for what you did! And I want more money from Wesley’s estate. It should not have gone towards those little brats. I will see you in court.’

  ‘Go ahead and seek legal action.’ Mabel frowned. ‘What will people say when they find out he left you when he was ill, and Wes left me his semen, not you? I think that speaks volumes. He made a mistake and wasn’t happy.’

  ‘That’s not true!’

  ‘So, sue me!’

  Mabel stood there, incensed with rage and watched the woman turn and march off.

  She looked into the carrier bag and saw an orange.

  It was very sudden.

  Her throwing it at the back of Tafari’s head then running off into Alex’s building to hide.

  All she heard was a scream then a loud laugh above her head.

  Alex was looking down from his balcony.

  ‘They used to throw fruit in olden days.’ Mabel sat on his couch, fuming ten minutes later. ‘No-one got arrested then.’

  ‘It was rotten fruit and people were in the stocks,’ he corrected, putting the fruit in his bowl and trying not to laugh. ‘You owe me an orange.’

  ‘You’ll get it back. She was horrible about my mother and children. I hate it when these people think because my mum is white, my upbringing was wrong. At least I didn’t manipulate a man to get his sperm behind his wife’s back.’

  ‘Is she still taking you to court?’ Alex walked back and sat next to her on the couch, stroking her arm.

  ‘She wants money from me and she’s not getting it.’

  ‘Not more children?’

  ‘Oh?’ Mabel looked at Alex and realised something. ‘I forgot to tell you.’

  ‘Tell me what?’ he asked, looking confused.

  ‘The girls and I had a chat weeks ago on what to do. We came to the decision that I wasn’t going to have another baby from Wes, and they would prefer Tafari never got her hands on it. It was quite upsetting what they went through too.’

  ‘Okay?’

  ‘I got them out of school one day and had all the papers to show I wanted the specimen destroyed. It was a collective decision. Then I got a letter to confirm it was all done. We told Baba, who wasn’t so pleased.’ Mabel let out a hefty sigh. ‘One less thing to worry about.’

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ he asked, grabbing her chin so she would look at him.

  ‘It was a decision I had to make with my girls.’

  ‘Do you think it was the right decision?’

  For a moment, she thought he looked worried.

  ‘I need to move on,’ she said, letting out a groan. ‘I don’t want to have Wes’s baby as a memory to him. I have two perfect ones already.’ She bit her lip, trying not to snigger. ‘I saw Eddie, his other kid, and that child is damn ugly! He’s identical to Baba. That’s why she loves him so much. No taste whatsoever.’

  Mabel started to laugh, and then turned and noticed he seemed concerned.

  ‘Oh Alex, I’m not pinning my hopes on you. Don’t worry. I’m not completely stupid.’

  ‘That must have been a tough call to make. Are you sure you’re thinking straight?’

  ‘I won’t regret it.’ Then she thought of Tafari. ‘But if that giant thinks she can take money off my children, she is crossing the wrong woman. She took my husband, but there is a line.’

  ‘Kiss me.’

  And she did, smiling at his serious face.

  It occurred to Mabel if her information about Wes’s semen had worried Alex.

  ‘Have you changed the way you feel about me?’ he asked, taking her hand and looking at her fingers. ‘You don’t tell me you love me anymore.’

  ‘I don’t want to smother you.’

  ‘But I told you to keep on telling me.’

  ‘I shouldn’t have to tell you. You shoul
d know how I feel. I’m learning from your wise words.’

  ‘The only thing I have to say, May Day, is that I’ve completely fallen for you. That’s all you need to know.’

  Mabel couldn’t help but smile.

  ‘And tonight, we have our first group sleepover.’

  Mabel and Alex followed the girls into the restaurant on Saturday evening.

  ‘A house with four females and me. That’s what fantasies are made of,’ he laughed and kissed her cheek.

  Mabel sat down in between Jess and Alex.

  ‘Is this our first family outing?’ Jess asked, looking at them around the table. ‘Other than roast dinners on Sunday.’

  ‘Here are the ground rules,’ Mabel said, knowing what her youngest would do. ‘We don’t embarrass each other because that’s not nice. I’m going out with Alex and Alex is going out with me.’ She saw Rose grin. ‘And I’m happy. If he isn’t, I don’t care.’

  ‘Yep, sounds like you,’ mumbled Jess as Mabel flicked her a warning glance.

  ‘I’m very happy, just in case you need to know,’ he added, starting to laugh.

  ‘We’re not forcing anything,’ continued Mabel, seeing Lottie look at her wide eyed. The expression made her falter as it reminded her of when Lottie was a baby. ‘If you three feel uncomfortable at any time, then tell us. I want to know.’

  ‘Rose, Lottie and Jess. It seems right to try and do things together when we can. Not all the time, but I enjoy being with you guys.’ Alex turned to look at Mabel. ‘And I want us to be happy because I am very happy right now.’

  ‘Thing about love,’ said Jess, munching on a breadstick. ‘It comes and goes.’

  ‘Right?’ said Mabel.

  ‘And at your ages, well, it must be pretty hard to find someone.’

  ‘Jess, if you’re going to be rude, then don’t say anything,’ hissed Lottie before looking at Alex and Mabel. ‘I’m very happy you’re happy, especially you mum. You deserve to smile and laugh.’

  ‘That’s very kind, thank you.’

  ‘And I’m happy you’re happy, daddy,’ said Rose, speaking very quietly. ‘Because you laugh more and are less annoyed.’