Everlasting

by Candace Knoebel

  Luv ya, nerd brain.

  I smile all the way to my soul. She’s the best friend anyone could ever ask for. I just hope that our friendship will continue after today. The smile slowly fades away as if it never was. She would scold me if she was next to me. She would tell me I need to stop being a downer…because I do. I really do.

  I sigh and push away the negative thoughts. I’ve spent far too long dreading this day, and for what? It’s just a day, a number on a calendar, a speck of time amongst the many living, breathing people in this world. It’s nothing and therefore it can’t harm me. I repeat this twice before it actually starts to make sense, before I actually believe it. I type back:

  Psh. My glass is half-full, don’t you know? Even if the content may or may not consist of alcohol.

  Maybe. Not. Lol

  Love you too. See ya at the Academy, bizznitch.

  She buzzes back:

  You’ve been holding out! Better share that ish with me. ;)

  I laugh and it’s a genuine, much needed, soul-saving kind of laugh. No one laughs on the morning something bad is about to happen to them, so that means I’m safe. My mom will be wrong and my dad and I will have a lifetime to rub it in. And boy will that feel good.

  After showering and dressing in jeans and a black hoodie, I make my way down the hall to the dining room. I plaster a smile to my face because I know it’s what my parents need to see. They have to be just as nervous as I am, so I have to be strong, but when I come around the corner of the hall, the usual sounds and smells don’t greet me. They should be at the table drinking coffee, but they’re not. I check the kitchen. The coffee pot isn’t on. I backtrack and make my way to the front door where the white board is hung. There’s no note with the reason of their absence. I reach into my back pocket and grab my cell phone.

  There aren’t any messages from them, just Katie’s. I dial my mother’s number and wait until it hits voicemail. I do the same with my father’s number, but still get no answer. Nausea assaults my stomach. Never, in all the years of my life, have they not been here when I woke, and they’ve never failed to leave me some form of a message if they were going to be late.

  I set a pot of coffee on and sit at the small table in the kitchen because it’s where my legs carry me in my growing state of unease. It’s the only way I know how to deal. Just keep moving forward and pretend like nothing is wrong. They’re on their way home. They have to be. Today is the day, and they won’t miss it, not even if they fear being embarrassed just as much as I do.

  They wouldn’t abandon me.

  Stop it, I tell myself. Don’t panic.

  But something sits in the back of my head. Something my father said last night. They were supposed to have a light hunt. They should have been back earlier than normal. Think. I take a deep breath to calm myself, and then pick my phone up off the table. I text Katie:

  Are your parents home?

  A few seconds tick by, and then she responds.

  Of course. I think every novice’s parents were put on light duty last night. They did the whole ‘surprise’ breakfast at dawn thing. It was annoying. You know how I love my sleep. But anyway, why? What’s up?

  The nausea in my stomach turns into a full blown panic attack. The earth opens up around me as the sinking feeling in my heart threatens to push me over the edge into the fiery pits of recognition. What if they’re hurt? What if they were taken? What if they really did abandon me? My fingers shake as I hold the phone out, trying to type back. I have to backspace too many times to count before I get the whole message out.

  My parents aren’t home. They never came home. I don’t know what to do. Or think. I’m kind of on the verge of freaking out.

  The phone rings a second later. “Are you serious?”

  “Unfortunately,” I reply, trying not to gag on the emotions choking me.

  “You tried calling them?”

  “Of course.” I take a deep breath and hold it.

  She pauses, sighs, then says, “Hang on. Let me go ask my mom.”

  She must set the phone down, because I count the seconds that pass by, each one feeling like years spent in hell until she returns. I can’t hold my breath any longer. It rushes out just as she gets back on the phone.

  “Faye, uh…I think you should come over.”

  My heart drops to my feet. My mouth grows uncomfortably dry.

  “Faye?”

  I want to tell her to hang on, to give me a sec, to let me try and sift through the millions of painful emotions I’m currently feeling until I find the ability to speak again, but I don’t. The only movement my lips have the ability to make is a tremble. I blink a thousand times. I think about throwing up, maybe drinking some water, maybe pushing my eyes until the searing heat disappears.

  “I’m coming over. Hang on.”

  The phone hangs up. I don’t know how long it takes her to get to my house, but it seems like a second, like she has a teleporter I never knew about. She finds me in the kitchen and throws her arms around me, and I just know. I know whatever it is, it isn’t good. It’s horrible, just like I knew this day would always be.

  “My mother called their Elder.” Her voice breaks and she holds me tighter. “I’m so sorry, Faye. Your parents… they never checked back in when they were supposed to. They never met up with their relief team. They’re missing.”

  The earth shatters beneath my feet, and I fall past any chance of finding me. I fall past hope, past fear, past regret, past everything until there’s nothing but overwhelming darkness. I forget how to breathe. I forget how to think. I can’t process her words, not in the way she’s trying to relay them.

  “Faye?” she says, letting go just enough to look at me. The level of concern in her voice is high, but it does nothing to bring back the light. “Faye? Say something.”

  I shake my head. My chest heaves in and out, my heart pounding. I think it’s trying to beat its way through my ribcage. It hurts. I hurt…everywhere…all over. I stumble off the chair and onto my feet. I see Katie’s mouth moving, but I can’t hear her. I want to ask her to speak up, but my tongue won’t move. Everything blurs as wet heat streams through my eyes and down my cheeks.

  I brush past her and stumble into the living room. She’s on my heels, shouting at me, but she sounds so far away. They left me. They left me to face banishment alone. If they didn’t abandon me, then they’re hurt, and I’m hours away from being told there’s nothing I can do to help them. I trip over something and fall to my knees, my head in my hands. Sobs rack my chest, my whole body, shaking all the way through me. I tug desperately on the air, trying to find my breath, but it won’t come. I can’t get enough oxygen.

  Katie’s hand slides over my back. “Faye, you need to calm down. Breathe. Breathe with me.” She makes sounds for me to follow and I try. I try so hard to slow my jagged gasps for air to match her calm pace. “They have a team searching for them, Faye,” she continues. “They’re going to find them. Your parents didn’t abandon you. I know that’s what you’re thinking, but you need to stop. Stop beating yourself up. They love you more than anything. Don’t abandon them in this time of need. Pull yourself together. You have to be strong.”

  I lift my face from my hands and look at her, still searching for a steady pace to breathe. I have to wipe my face to see past the liquid blur. “I…I don’t want to go through this alone. My whole life…I’ve always dreaded this day, Kat, always, and they’ve promised me they would be here with me, supporting me. We were supposed to face this together, and whatever the reason is that they’re not here, I can’t do anything about it. If they tell me that I’m a Defect, then I’ll never be able to find them.”

  She grabs my face. “Stop it. Right now. You’re not going to feel sorry for yourself. They’re with you in your heart, and they will be found. Their relief team is working a location spell now. You have to have faith.” She’s firm, but gentle. It’s what I need and she knows it. And I’m grateful for it.

  I pull
in a deep breath, and breathe out all the overwhelming feelings that have been pent up inside me for far too long. “You’re right,” I say. A few more deep breaths and I’m back on a safe pace.

  “Of course I am. I know you, and although you’ve been overdue for a panic attack, I still won’t sit back and let you put yourself through one. You’re better than that. You’re stronger.” She stands and pulls me to my feet. “My parents said you’ll ride with us. Their Elder will contact them the minute they hear anything, and you’ll be informed. Everything is going to be okay. I swear.”

  I nod, following her lead, falling into her strength.

  “Now, get what you need and let’s go.”

  “Okay.”

  I head to my room and stop, pulling myself back together. The advice my dad gave me the night before floats through my mind. Okay, so we hit a speed bump, a very large, very unforeseen speed bump, but Katie wouldn’t swear something she didn’t mean. They’ll be okay and they’ll be proud when they find out how well I handled myself. This thought calms me a little.

  I stuff my bag with a few outfits, a picture of my parents, and the letter from Columbia. I hesitate on taking it, but then shove it in my bag anyway. It’s a reminder that I own my destiny, no matter what I find out today. I lock up and follow her down the street back to her house. Only once am I conflicted with the urge to turn around and see my house for the last time, but I don’t. I know what it looks like and I know what I need to do. I need to remain strong, otherwise, I’d be abandoning them.

  THE HOURS BEFORE THE CULLING ceremony are painfully long. I try to keep a brave face on, because I don’t want Katie’s parents to think any less of me but, on the inside, I’m a train wreck of confusion and worry. My emotions are crammed into the blender of my brain, all mixing together and combining at a rapid pace. I can’t make sense of them. I can’t separate fear from excitement and worry from calm. I don’t know how to feel.

  Her parents try to get me to eat, but I can’t. They try to talk me into believing that everything is okay, but everything won’t be okay until the Elder calls with word that they’ve found my parents. Alive.

  When they realize that words won’t remedy the situation, Katie takes me up to her room to wait while she finishes getting ready. She does her makeup and offers to do mine, but I shake my head. I don’t care how I look. My looks won’t help me when I face banishment. They won’t bring my parents home safe and sound. They won’t give me the ability to press reset on this day so I can start fresh with my parents sitting in the kitchen.

  She finishes lining her eyes with blue shadow, and then twists her hair up into a jeweled clip. “At least let me braid your hair,” she says as she turns away from her vanity table. She looks helpless and lost, like she doesn’t know what to do with me. I don’t blame her, and it makes me feel bad. I don’t want to be a charity case. I don’t want to be a victim.

  “Sure.”

  She comes over to the bed and sits behind me as I scoot to the floor. Her fingers lace through my hair, and then she begins twisting and pulling, wrapping it into a braid. “I’m glad you’re here, even if the reason sucks,” she says quietly, patiently.

  “Me too,” I say, staring at one of the many movie posters on the wall. I wish I could settle on a feeling. I wish my stomach wasn’t so twisted up. I wish my parents were home.

  She wraps the band around the end of my hair, and then sets the braid over my shoulder. She tugs on my shoulder to get me to turn around and pulls a few strands to hang around my face before leaning back. “There,” she says, smiling her approval. “Braids always look better in your hair than mine.” The unspoken between us speaks louder than any words could.

  “Yeah,” I say with a half-hearted smile. She needs to hear it. I know she’s trying her best to be what I need right now and I don’t want her to feel like it’s her fault she can’t pull me completely from my funk.

  She stares at me for a moment, searching my face, and then goes back to her vanity table. She sprays herself with perfume, and then sprays me. I nearly gag from the extra three sprays she gives herself before putting it back on the table.

  “You spray any more of that on yourself and you’ll shrivel up into a fruity flower,” I say through a small coughing fit. She stops, smiles, and then sprays herself once more. I shake my head. “You’re too much.”

  She opens her mouth, but then a knock sounds at her door and her dad, Jonathon, pokes his head in. “It’s time, girls.” He shuts the door, and I can feel my pulse beating in my neck. Since when did time move so quickly?

  Katie takes a deep breath, smoothes her black, knee-high skirt out, and says, “Let’s go.”

  I follow her downstairs and out the front door, and then hop in the backseat with her. Eliza, Katie’s mom, offers us gum. I take it. Maybe mint will help settle my nerves.

  “Here we go!” her dad says. He puts the car in gear and takes off, leaving our little neighborhood in Roessleville behind. I have to clutch my seatbelt to keep from looking back, to keep from checking the driveway for my parents’ car.

  The small town disappears behind a blur of bright yellows and oranges. The trees are turning with the season. Eliza’s phone rings twice, and both times my heart forgets how to work and stutters. My fingers find my mouth, but my nails are chewed down so low I have nothing but the nail beds left.

  She lifts the phone to her ear and says, “Hello, Maddock. Any news?”

  I feel like I’m suspended by only my fingertips with each and every word she speaks into the phone. Jonathon glances over at her, searching her face. Katie looks up from her phone and over at me.

  Say something!

  “That’s good news then, right?” Eliza says. She looks back at Jonathon and raises her brows, nodding just a little. I wonder if he’s in her thoughts, if he knows the news before I do. “Okay. We will let her know. Thank you, Maddock.” She hangs up and turns in her seat to look at me. I’m a statue coming to life with anticipation. “Maddock says they’ve picked up their trail. Elite Watchmen are on it now. We should have word soon that they’ve found them,” Eliza says, her smile growing with every word. I smile too as the sick feeling in my stomach lightens a little. They’re going to be okay. They’re going to be found, and this will all just be a mere memory.

  Katie grabs my hand and squeezes, smiling at me. “See?”

  “Now you girls can get on stage and make us proud without a doubt in your mind,” Jonathon says, peering at me through the rearview mirror. “Mary and Russell are two of the best Watchmen in our Coven. There was never a doubt in my mind that they wouldn’t be okay. It was probably just a misunderstanding.”

  “Yeah,” I say, nodding with his words. He’s right. A misunderstanding. That’s all.

  “Do you have any preference to what side of the affinity bond you want to be on?” he asks.

  I’m still thinking about my parents when Katie nudges me. He’s talking to me. “Oh me? Well, I’ve always loved the thought of being a Hunter,” I admit. I know it’s not often that a female is a Hunter, but when they are, they’re fierce. I’ve been repressed by my fear for so long that being the polar opposite seems attractive. Being fierce and independent seems freeing.

  “That’s a surprise,” Eliza says, sounding amused. “I thought you’d want to follow Katie.” I don’t like the judgment I hear in her tone, or the way she looks down at her hands with her brows raised in disdain.

  My words jumble. “I do, I mean…but I don’t know. I just…”

  “She’s going to be a kick-ass Hunter,” Katie says in my defense. She quirks her brows at me. She loves going against her mother.

  Eliza inhales sharply and spins around in her seat, catching Katie’s eye wiggling. “Katie Rose Coccia, you watch your language and wipe that grin off your face. Disrespect is unbecoming.” When she’s satisfied Katie’s been put in her place, she turns back around in her seat, clutching her purse on her lap.

  Katie rolls her eyes and silently laughs. If
they only knew half the things she’s said and done.

  Jonathon clears his throat as he turns onto the interstate. “I think wishing to be a Hunter shows true strength,” he says, casting a quick glance to me in the rearview. “Being a Hunter, especially as a female, is rough. Even though our Coven has come a long way since the proclamation, there are still gender issues in the magic world.”

  Eliza rubs his leg and looks at him lovingly, and I’m struck by homesickness. I should be riding with my parents right now. I should be having this conversation with them. What am I doing?

  “Well, I think the proclamation is stupid,” Katie says, crossing her arms.

  “Katie! You should never say such things. It’s heresy,” Eliza says.

  “What? I’m serious. Before the Great Battle of the Covens, Hunters and Witches were able to do magic on their own. They didn’t have to be tied to someone for the rest of their lives. They didn’t have to have a Culling to tell them who they had to fall in love with and make babies with. It’s just so…medieval.”

  I want to laugh, or maybe cry. I look at her, and the mischief in her eyes brings out the amber color in them.

  “Right?” she asks me.

  “I guess so,” I say, peering at her parents from the corner of my eye. They don’t look happy.

  “Things are this way to maintain control and to keep our kind abundant. Without this ceremony, our numbers would dwindle,” Eliza says. It’s clear Katie’s treading the edge of Eliza’s patience.

  “Not to mention, the old feeling of Witches hating Hunters and vice versa would more than likely strike up again,” Jonathon adds.

  “It’s that way with or without the Culling, Dad. A silly rule isn’t going to change the emotions we feel.”

  “Kat,” I whisper, giving her the shut up eyes.