Wingless Book Series (book 1)

by Holly Hood

  There was no need for saying sorry. If you were sorry you wouldn’t have done it in the first place. Saying sorry was like scratching an itch, even when you did it another would show up again someday. Yeah, I used the word sorry for trivial things and for creating that moment or just to get someone to get over something. It was an easy fix, but when it was serious, no. I refused to use that word. If it was serious, then obviously what was done was done and it was what was meant to happen.

  “I’m not mad. I get it,” he said, going to the kitchen window, staring all over again. I could tell there still was something.

  “So, then what is it?” I asked, wanting to cut to the chase.

  “Nothing really. It’s hard to try and act like I’m not bothered by your disgust in what I have to do.”

  “I’m not disgusted, you know what I said is not how I feel exactly. It was all emotion based last night.” I bit my nails, feeling uneasy.

  “It’s just hard.”

  “I know it is,” I replied, getting up and coming to the window.

  “It’s hard to watch someone I love go through so much pain. You don’t understand what it means for me to defy an order,” he said, taking my hand.

  “No, I don’t, and I shouldn’t expect you to. If I didn’t know you, these things would just happen. I think I was madder that I knew and didn’t do more to feel at peace before I had to let her go. Does that make sense?”

  “Sort of,” Evan said, kissing my hand. “But I think you were the best friend she could have had. You’re the best friend anyone could have because you’re a truthful and genuine person.”

  I looked up at him. He smiled slightly.

  “Thanks, it’s hard to think that when I feel like I just up and left everything to be with you. And I’m sorry if that hurts your feelings,” I said.

  “No, it doesn’t. Don’t worry about it. What happened between us happened fast, and I don’t blame you or me. We know what we know, and I think we both felt it was meant to be. So there’s not much you can do about it but try to make up for lost time and patch things up with everyone.” He pulled me to him, squeezing me tight.

  “I know I’m not that guy that your family seen you with, and I really don’t think they’re ever going to be happy about us after all of this, but I know it’s right.” He kissed the back of my head.

  He was right. It was a quick thing, it all happened fast, but I didn’t have regrets on that, I felt like I was where I should be. All I could do from this point on is try to incorporate my family into my life and get them to accept it. If they didn’t, then it was their loss because I was not willing to let Evan go until I had to. And the only reason I would have to was when I was dead.

  If family truly loved you they would love unconditionally, that’s what everyone thinks, that’s what everyone wants to believe. You don’t want to believe sick people exist in the world, people that don’t even care about their own blood. But sometimes people had no feelings one way or another. Sometimes your family was just as bad as the enemy was. They didn’t always want to see you happy. Families were more than love; they were jealousy and anger, abuse and depression, fighting and negativity and just plain trouble. It wasn’t always happy like some people portrayed. The only thing I could hope for was that rolling the dice I had a small chance that they would do the opposite than what they always did and accept what my life was.

  You had to give everyone a chance to prove you wrong. Without a chance, nothing would be right. And if by chance they never did prove you wrong, then that meant they were worth it.

  “I suppose once I get all this straightened out things will be a little less overwhelming.”

  “I would hope so, and then you can feel a little more at peace.” Evan and I stared together as the sun cast beautiful rays on the pavement, quietly enjoying a moment.

  “This is nice,” I said finally.

  “Do you think that you will go to her funeral?” he asked, catching me off guard.

  “I don’t want to. I just want to remember her the way she was, not in a coffin,” I said, goose bumps crawling up my arms.

  I had gone through the funeral with Marcus and I vowed never again to make that mistake. I didn’t feel better as some felt after a funeral, it was morbid and depressing. I could never do that again.

  “I understand, I just wondered,” he replied, smoothing my hair.

  Chapter 34

  Empty and Full

  One time, when I was little, I recalled the feeling of not truly feeling I was alive. I sat in a chair, upside down, trying to feel. I didn’t know how to tell my parents that I didn’t understand the concept of living and that I was wishing with all my might I felt something. I was a terribly confused and stifled child who, for whatever reason, had so much anxiety about life and death. I never understood why a child would have that much fear so quickly.

  One time Vanessa told me a story about her father. When she was little he wasn’t around and her mother was married to a different man. She never knew that her real dad was even her dad. He would come around sometimes and tell her the same story about taking her away to live with him and she said it scared her so bad she would cry. And then years later, he was in her life and she just forgot that fear.

  I think everyone had fear, and I thought it was amazing how one fear could be so large, like the fear of being murdered or dying from a disease, to a tiny fear, like of spiders. But no matter how big or small, they all were just as powerful and did the same thing to your body.

  My fear in life that was simple- I feared that I would die before I lived. I feared that when I did die, I would have realized that all I was taught was wrong and I would be out of luck. I was scared that there was no afterlife and I would be nothing anymore. I even worried that no one would show up to my funeral. And I worried that no one would care like they told me when I was alive.

  I feared so much, I was afraid to live right. I feared that the saying, “God has a plan for everyone” was a curse. I thought this meant once you found out what your meaning was, you would die. Wouldn’t that only make sense? And if that were the case, the easy way to keep on living would be to just not do anything in life.

  Everything has a reaction though, so even when you think you’re not doing something, the simplest thing could be what you were meant to do. Sometimes people lived a short time to help others live. Life was a crazy ride.

  I was going to do something I had planned against, and that was talk to my family. Open up to them and let them know that I was happy with what my life was like. I knew they weren’t and I was going to demand they accept me. And if not, then I would cut all ties and go my own way. It was their chance to start new. I was even willing to extend a hand to Gray.

  Life was short and I didn’t want to feel like I never truly accepted them and gave them a chance. No matter how much you don’t like the family you’re given, sometimes you just had to try to make do with what you had. If you couldn’t, that wasn’t your fault, but at least you tried.

  I had Evan drive me there. I knew if he drove me then I had no way of just taking off if things went bad. And I didn’t tell anyone I was coming because it seemed to me a better way to get complete honesty. I was feeling ready. I knew it was the best thing to do.

  “Alright, I’ll give you a call when I’m ready,” I said.

  I unbuckled my seat belt, hesitating to get out.

  “And I’ll be here in an instant,” Evan said and we kissed. He touched my face, letting me get out of the car and do what I thought was best. I was sure he was behind me totally and always.

  Walking up the steps of my house brought back so many memories. It was funny how a simple set of porch steps could trigger so much. I remembered all the times my parents fought when I was a little child, and how I would stare out the window as my dad walked down them, swearing he never would come back again. But he always did.

  I remembered the time that Marcus and I sat out there on those steps making paper airplanes when w
e were little kids. And how no matter how hard I tried, I could not get mine to fly as good as his did. And how he would laugh at me for how upset I got over it.

  I remembered when the whole family ran harder than they ever ran down them to rush to the hospital to be by Marcus’ side to see him one last time before he died. No one knew it would be the last.

  I walked up the steps of memories and into the house that held so much as well. The walls were always filled with pictures. Pictures of every memory you could imagine. Christmases, birthdays, Halloween, all sorts of memories.

  The one picture that was the most important to me was the one by the stairs that was of me and Marcus, Gray and Hannah. We all were little children, practically babies, and we were all piled on the sofa looking at the camera with big cheesy grins. Not a care in the world. We were happy, and I think we were because nothing truly matters when you’re that young.

  “That was a good one,” my dad said, coming up to stand next to me.

  “Yeah, it was,” I said, smiling at him.

  He pulled me to him for a big hug, not letting go. I was already feeling rather emotional.

  “I’m glad you’re home,” he said, letting go of me finally.

  “I’m glad too,” I said back.

  We stared at each other for what seemed like minutes, not saying anything. I looked at my dad and his grin, his very faint wrinkles and his brilliant bright eyes. That was one thing about him which never went away was his eyes, they were so alive. And he gave those to Marcus as well.

  “You look good, Eve,“ he broke into my thoughts.

  “Thanks, you do too.”

  “How is everything going?” he said going into the living room. I followed behind him.

  “As good as it could be,” I shrugged.

  “Is that good enough for you?” He raised his eyebrow.

  “There are things in life you can’t change or fix,” I said.

  “Like Marcus and Vanessa?”

  “Yeah, besides that, I’m doing really good, Dad,” I said, looking at him his gaze going away from me.

  “I sit here sometimes and wish things were different. Wish with everything I have in me that we didn’t lose Marcus. I’ve never wanted something so much.” He looked horribly heartbroken.

  “I know you do,” I said.

  “But you come to realize that everything happens for a reason, and even if you don’t get it, there’s meaning behind it all.” He sighed.

  “What do you think the meaning behind it was?” I asked, curious.

  My dad never talked openly about losing Marcus, ever.

  “I think he helped your mom and I realize what was important, because back then, it was all about work and everything but family. And when he was gone, that brought us back to reality,” he said, nodding his head.

  “I guess you could think of it that way,” I said, looking away as my eyes welled with tears.

  “Yeah, it helps. Your mom, I don’t think, will ever see it any way other than she was robbed of her son.”

  “Sometimes I think it was her fault for making him work there,” I said, feeling surprised that I had even said that out loud.

  “Me too,” Gray said, walking in the living room and sitting next to me.

  I was shocked to see him, and even more shocked to hear him agree with me.

  “Your mom was trying to get him on a good path. She didn’t think he had any kind of goals,” my dad tried explaining, the look on his face didn’t look as if he believed what he was saying.

  “I think if she worried less about what he was going to become he wouldn’t be dead,” Gray said. He stared at my dad, waiting for a reply.

  “Let’s not be so hard on your mom,” my dad said, putting his hand up as if to say stop.

  “It’s true. She is the same way with Eve. And I’m not saying I don’t agree all the time, but one thing about Eve, she is almost the same as Marcus is. Or was,” Gray said, shrugging.

  “Gray, I understand you feel bad about losing him. We all do, but holding anger towards your mother isn’t the right thing to do either,” my dad said, looking a little annoyed.

  “Dad’s right, what’s done is done. We got to just move on,” I said, trying to stop a blow up.

  “Yeah, but it’s hard to let go of him. It wasn’t that long ago he was here hanging out with all of us. Talking about all the crazy things he planned on doing. I miss him,” Gray said, breaking down.

  My dad and I both looked at each other in shock. Gray was never one to cry, and never in front of us. He had his head in his hands sobbing like a little child, not like the man he was. I didn’t know what to do. My dad got up, coming over to Gray and kneeling down wrapping his arms around him.

  “Gray, he’s in your heart. He will always be with you. I know it’s tough, we all miss Marcus very much,” my dad said too, him hugging him tight. His eyes were teary as well.

  “I think he is okay. I mean, I think he’s in a better place. And he’s happy,” I said.

  Gray looked at me.

  “Why would you say that?” he asked.

  “That’s how I feel. I think he is okay,” I said again, trying to will him to believe me.

  “I hope he is too, Eve.” He pulled me in, hugging me. “I’m sorry. I know I haven’t been the kind of brother he was. I’m sorry that I never could be like him. In a way, I was afraid to try.”

  I held on to Gray keeping my head on his shoulder, feeling something that I hadn’t felt since Marcus was around. It was nice.

  “I was afraid to try because I didn’t think I could be as good at it as Marcus was. You and him were so close. And I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like I didn’t care about you. Maybe that’s why you ran off with this guy.”

  I pulled away, feeling a little annoyed now. “I’m not with him because I need a brother,” I said.

  “I’m not saying that, but I thought maybe he just made you feel safe and cared for,” Gray explained.

  “I’m with him because he is a great person. He treats me amazing and we get along so well. He’s everything I want,” I told Gray.

  He nodded. “I hope so. I hope he takes care of you,” he said, for once a look of true concern on his face.

  “Although I am capable of taking care of myself, I will say that he does take care of me,” I said as my dad and Gray both stared at me with looks of amusement on their faces.

  “So when you going to explain this giant rock that sits upon your finger?” my dad said with a chuckle.

  Gray nodded, grabbing my hand to look it over. I was in amazement at how well this was all going.

  “It’s not anything that is happening anytime soon. He asked me at his father’s house. And I said yes. We haven’t set a date or anything like that,” I explained, staring down at the ridiculously large pink diamond on my finger.

  “Well, I can see he cares about you,” my dad said, getting up.

  There was two down, I thought to myself. Gray was still sitting beside me.

  I sighed, not knowing what to do with him when he was nice. It was hard to try being sarcastic or poking fun at him anymore.

  “So, how has mom been?” I asked.

  “Same as always,” he said.

  “Do you think she will talk to me?” I asked, knowing this was going to be the hardest part of the whole visit.

  “I’m not sure how that will go. How are you doing with the whole Vanessa thing? Are you going to the funeral?”

  Her name was enough to send a sick achy feeling into my whole body. I tried to push it away, but moments like these were going to keep that from being the case.

  “I can’t go. And I know that sounds horrible probably, but I just can’t do it. I loved her to death, and it’s just time to let go,” I said, tears welling up.

  “It’s not horrible. I wish I hadn’t had to go to Marcus’ funeral. I think I would have been better off.” He stood up, taking something out of his pocket. It was some paper of sort.

  “What is t
hat?” I asked him. He stared down at me, looking at the paper with a grin.

  “Gray?” I asked again.

  “I was waiting for you to come home so I could fill you in on what’s been going on here,” he said, handing me what was in his hands.

  I stared at the image, not understanding what I was looking at.

  “What is it?” I said, handing it back to him.

  “It’s Devan’s ultrasound picture,” he said with an even bigger grin on his face.