The Waiting

by Carol James

  As the worship band took their places, he saw the outline of her head on the third row. Her dad was on one side and Cassie on the other. She was here, and he wished he wasn’t. No, that wasn’t true. He wished he was sitting up there beside her.

  ~*~

  Katherine’s eyes filled. The next few hours would be difficult. Of course, there was always the possibility Sam wouldn’t come.

  Never. He would be at the meeting after church. That was Sam. He wasn’t one to shirk his responsibilities. When he was in, he was all in.

  She leaned against the comfort of Dad’s shoulder as he rested his arm on the back of her chair. She was safe.

  Dad had been so understanding and supportive these last several days. Although he didn’t completely understand or agree with her refusal of Sam’s proposal, he supported her decision. Or at least he said he did. But then he also kept saying how everyone makes mistakes, everyone needs forgiveness, and everyone deserves a second chance.

  She couldn’t disagree with any of that. Sam had made a mistake, or apparently many of the same mistakes. No doubt he was sorry, especially because she’d turned down his proposal. And he certainly could have a second chance—just not with her. Forgiving him didn’t mean she had to take him back and act as if the offense had never happened. Forgiveness meant only that she wouldn’t hold it against him. And she could make herself do that—eventually.

  These past few weeks had been surreal, like a slice-of-life episode from some TV show. But they weren’t real life.

  Clark had called yesterday. Since there was no longer any reason for her to stay in Crescent Bluff, she’d be moving back to Dallas and returning to her old job right after the mission trip. And Sam? He was under contract to his football club, so he’d be headed home to London in just a couple of weeks. Surely, as they both went back to their real lives and time passed, the pain would lessen, and she’d be able to forgive him and look back on this for what it was—a lesson in recklessness and what happens when people cast aside wisdom to follow their hearts rather than use common sense.

  She just needed to get through today...and then tomorrow...and then the mission trip. When that was over, her life would return to normal.

  ~*~

  Sam bowed his head for the prayer before the final song. He hadn’t been able to concentrate on the sermon because she was sitting in the sightline between him and the pastor. Every time he looked toward Dr. Lewis, all he saw was the back of her head. And the memory of the fragrance of sugar cookies and lemonade from the first time they’d slow-danced together in the Longhorn Suite at Cattlemen’s squeezed his chest until he could hardly breathe.

  Up until a few days ago, he would have summed up his life in two words—no regrets. Not anymore. This last year of his life had been focused on one thing—finding her. He’d been willing to do whatever was necessary to win her heart, only to discover that nothing he could do would ever achieve that goal.

  The worship pastor sat alone on a stool and gently coaxed notes from his guitar. The melody was straightforward and simple, and the words were poetic. Something about a deer drinking from a spring of water.

  The image of the soft eyes of the doe staring at him by the river’s edge the other morning filled his memory.

  The screens hanging behind the worship pastor displayed a scripture reference—Psalm 42. He grabbed the Bible in the back pocket of the seat in front of him and opened it to the table of contents. He turned to the page number listed for Psalms and then kept turning until he came to Psalm 42.

  As the deer pants for streams of water,

  so my soul pants for you, my God.

  He read on.

  My tears have been my food day and night,

  while people say to me all day long, “Where is your god?”

  Yes. Where was his god? The god he’d trusted in all these years? He’d led a life many could only dream of. But it was all worthless, because all the stuff, all the prestige, and all the money couldn’t get him the one thing he really wanted—the one who would bring him peace and fulfill his heart’s longing. Katherine. He’d been trusting in the wrong god.

  Again, the image of the deer flashed before him. She’d measured the cost and been willing to risk everything for the one thing that would give and sustain her life. That without which she would die. The risk would be worth the reward.

  Sam’s outcome had been different, though. He’d prayed and taken the risk. He’d lowered his head to drink, only to end up with a mouth full of life-choking dust. Katherine hadn’t accepted his proposal. So much for trusting in something other than himself.

  If God really loved him, wouldn’t He have answered his prayers? Wouldn’t Katherine have said yes?

  ~*~

  Katherine stepped through the door into the fellowship hall. Chairs ringed a solitary table, but Megan was the only one there so far. Olivia was asleep in her stroller.

  “Katherine, I’m so glad you could make it.” Megan stood and gave her a warm hug. “Brad was hoping you’d still come with the group.”

  “Why would I not?”

  Megan’s face turned red. Megan knew. Sam must have told Brad. “We just...well, I mean, Brad would understand if you changed your mind. You know, with Sam still coming and all...”

  “A promise is a promise, and I always keep my commitments.” She sat in the chair nearest the stroller and looked at the precious treasure who slept there. “She’s absolutely beautiful.” Her next words surprised even herself. She’d never been much of a baby person. “Could I hold her?”

  “Of course.” Megan lifted the pink bundle and placed her in Katherine’s waiting arms. She looked at the tiny features on Olivia’s face. The silky eyelashes, the button nose, and the heart-shaped mouth. And then for some unexplainable reason, more instinctual than rational, Katherine leaned over and breathed in the pure fragrance of this sweet child.

  Megan chuckled. “That was one of the first things I did after she was born and I had counted all her fingers and toes. My mom says it’s a ‘Mommy’ thing.”

  Katherine had never thought of herself as a “Mommy” but had always assumed that she would be. One day. Yet now, maybe not. Life seemed to be leading her down a different path than she’d always imagined. Plenty of unmarried, childless people led fulfilling lives, and she would, too.

  Other chaperones had filed in and taken seats around the table, but Katherine had been so completely engrossed in her thoughts, she hadn’t noticed until this moment. At the far end of the table, only one chair remained open, and only one person was missing. Maybe he had changed his mind and wasn’t coming.

  “Thanks to all of you for being here,” Brad spoke. “We’ll be brief so you can get to the cafeteria before the congregation down the road does.” A polite snicker at the old joke made its way around the table. “In case you haven’t heard, Charlie fell and broke his leg. He’s OK, but we’ll be shorthanded, so if any of you know another man who could chaperone on such short notice, please let me know.”

  The door opened one last time, and in slipped Sam. “Sorry, I’m late.” He made his way to the empty chair and sat down.

  “No problem. We were just getting started.” Brad passed out packets, and Megan set one on the table in front of Katherine. “You can go over it later,” she whispered.

  As foreign as the idea seemed in her spirit, holding this baby felt right in her heart. She studied each tiny pink fingernail, then the wrinkled brow, followed by a smile that science attributed to gas. The love shared by Brad and Megan had brought forth this sweet child, this beautiful gift. The miracle of new life sprang from an intimate love meant for one person to share with only one other.

  Brad was praying for the mission trip.

  At first Katherine bowed her head, but then she looked up toward Sam. His eyes were fixed on her. They were not filled with anger, but with what Katherine could only believe was a warmth, a longing, a resignation that she, his love, would never hold their baby.

  But it
was all his fault. She did not look away but slowly shook her head. What they both yearned for in the core of their beings would never come to pass.

  24

  Ten more days. In ten more days, she’d be on her way back to Dallas, and Sam would be on the other side of the world, or at least making his way there. For the first time in her life, she’d had one of those famous summer romances people usually had as teenagers or college students. Passionate, unexpected, irresponsible. A relationship that exists only because it is short-lived, momentary. The only differences were theirs had been in the spring, and neither of them had wanted it to be temporary.

  “He’s not going.” Cassie’s pouting voice broke through the silence as Dad turned the car into the church parking lot.

  “Who, sweetie?” Dad asked.

  “Sam. He’s not going. And it’s all your fault, Beth.”

  This was the same verdict Cassie had been delivering for a couple of weeks now. But she had no idea where the fault lay, and Katherine was not about to discuss an adult issue with her barely teenaged baby sister. Besides, it was private, between two people. Well, not exactly two. Him, her, and apparently lots of other women.

  “Now hold on there, young lady. Don’t go blaming your sister for something that’s not under her control. Sam’s an adult, and he can make his own choice about what to do and what not to do. Besides, what would make you think he’s not going, just because you haven’t seen him in the first two seconds after we’ve arrived?”

  “His car, Dad. His car’s not here.”

  “Sam’s not dumb. I doubt he’d leave a car like that in the church parking lot for a week.” Dad chuckled. “I would have offered to car-sit it for him, if I weren’t going out of town part of this week.”

  “There he is. I see him. It’s a good thing for you, Beth.”

  Sam hopped out of the pick-up that had parked behind the bus. An ache began in the center of Katherine’s chest and spread through her entire body. He looked wonderful. His blond hair was spiked on top as if he’d just rolled out of bed. His face was covered with chestnut stubble. Katherine had seen him unshaven only once before—that morning they’d trespassed out onto the rock ledge overlooking the Balcones Canyon—but that was with one night’s growth, not a week or so. While the beard camouflaged his boyish cuteness, it only intensified the brilliant blue of his eyes.

  As Cassie jumped out of the car and slammed the back door shut, Dad placed his hand on Katherine’s shoulder. “Your mom would be proud of you for going. Thanks for taking her place.”

  Her eyes burned. Dad didn’t mean it the way she heard it. Her mother truly would have been proud, but no matter how hard Katherine tried, she would never take Mom’s place.

  “Baby Girl, your mother was really good at living in the moment, at enjoying the journey. That woman packed so much into each hour of every day. She lived more life in the few years she was with us than I ever will, no matter how many years I have.” He leaned over and pecked her on the cheek. “You and I are both destination people. I know this week will be challenging for you, but don’t wish the time away. Live every minute of the journey because you’ll never get any of them back.”

  She hugged him tightly. “I will, Daddy. I promise.”

  ~*~

  Sam was in the bed of the truck, loading the luggage, sleeping bags, and other cargo for the trip. When Brad had asked for a volunteer to drive the pick-up, Sam had jumped at the chance. He’d rather be alone in a truck where he didn’t have to make small talk with anyone, instead of trapped on a bus where he’d have to be “on” for hours. Normally, the bus ride would have been fun—cutting up with the kids—but not today. This week needed to pass as quickly as possible. Then he could leave, and just like when a football match was over, he put that game behind him and move on to the next. As he turned around to get some more cargo, his heart skipped a beat.

  “Morning, Sam.” Mr. Harrington lifted up a purple flowered suitcase. Had to be Cassie’s.

  “Good morning, Mr—Jim. How are you, sir?”

  “Sleepy. Five came awfully early this morning.”

  Yeah, it had. Especially when he hadn’t been able to fall asleep until about three.

  “Are you driving this all the way to Oklahoma?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  Jim handed him up a black, nondescript suitcase. Katherine’s. “You better take someone with you to help keep you awake.”

  “I’ll be fine.” He gently set the luggage down, and the fragrance of sugar cookies and lemonade invaded his senses and pierced his heart. “I’ve got an extra-tall, super-grande coffee from The Perks, and I’ll crank the windows down and the music up.”

  “Just be careful, son.”

  Sam took Mr. Harrington’s offered hand before he stepped aside. “I will.”

  “Good morning, Sam.”

  This was the first time he’d heard her voice since she’d asked him to take her home after the proposal. He recognized the look in her eyes. Their hearts shared the same feelings—regret and disappointment. Fortunately, they weren’t alone, or he might have jumped out of the truck, taken her hand, and begged her to let him have one last chance to prove he was a changed man. Instead, he bent down to grasp the inflatable mattress she offered. “Hi, Katy B—uh, Katherine.”

  Jim had made his way over to Cassie, leaving just the two of them.

  She reached to pick up the other mattress.

  “Here, let me come down and help you with that.”

  “I don’t need your help. It’s not heavy.” She lifted the rolled bundle up to him. “So what’s with the whiskers?”

  She was actually making conversation with him. “I’m going for an authentic construction worker look. What do you think?” She didn’t return his smile or answer his question. “Actually, I thought it might make me look a bit older since I’ll be bossing around high school students for the next week. I’ll need all the maturity I can possibly fake.”

  “Oh.” She glanced away. “I guess I’d better head over to the bus. Looks as if Brad’s got everyone circled up for some sort of meeting before we leave.”

  “Wait, Katherine. Ride in the truck with me. Please. I’d really like the company.” The only sound was the blood rushing through his ears as his heart pounded, waiting for her reply.

  She shook her head. “I can’t, Sam. I can’t.” Then she turned her back and strode over to mass of people beside the bus.

  ~*~

  More than anything, she’d wanted to leave the gear for Dad to contend with, but Cassie had already deserted him. She couldn’t do that, too. Plus running away never solved anything. If she and Sam were on this team together, she at least had to be able to carry on some semblance of a polite conversation with him. One down. She’d just done it, and she could do it for the rest of the week.

  But to be trapped in a truck with him for six hours? Really? He had to be crazy if he’d thought the slightest possibility existed that she’d even consider agreeing to that. But then again, she didn’t want anything to happen to him. After all, she loved him. What he’d done wouldn’t change that. She just couldn’t marry him. Exactly as she’d loved Clark but couldn’t marry him.

  No, this wasn’t anything like her relationship and breakup with Clark. She’d turned Clark down because she hadn’t been able to see past a proposal. But she’d seen a life with Sam. Marriage, adventure, children, grandchildren. Not anymore, though. If she ever had those things in her life, it wouldn’t be with Sam.

  She slipped into the circle next to Dad and grasped his hand.

  Brad was checking names off a list to make sure everyone was there before they prayed, boarded the bus, and headed north.

  As Sam joined the group, Brad began, “Looks as if we’re all here. As many of you know, Charlie Thompson broke his leg a couple of weeks ago and can’t go with us, so Pastor Josh has offered to take his place.”

  As the kids broke into cheers, Dr. Lewis raised his hand and then said, “Let me pray for us,
and we’ll get this show on the road.” His words asked for safety.

  Katherine‘s heart asked for peace.

  The prayer over, the young people began boarding the bus.

  As Katherine gave Dad one last hug, Brad spoke, “Katherine, I’ve saved you the seat behind me. Your job is to keep me awake during the trip. And Josh, this is Sam Tucker. He’ll be driving the truck with all the gear. I thought maybe you’d enjoy riding with him and keeping him company.”

  “Sam Tucker, the soccer player. I remember you. You’d just started going to our youth group activities when your family up and moved away to one of the Carolinas. Can’t wait to hear all about your life since then.” The two men shook hands.

  Too bad the pickup was crammed with equipment. Katherine just might have changed her mind about riding in the truck and seeing exactly how much of his past life Sam would reveal to Dr. Lewis. Doubtfully very much, and certainly not all of it.

  25

  Her day began early—six—especially considering some of the girls hadn’t settled down until after two. Katherine pulled on some clothes, grabbed her Bible and notebook, and carefully tiptoed through the patchwork of sleeping bags to the classroom door. Her introverted self needed some time alone before the day began.

  Breakfast wasn’t scheduled until seven-thirty, but maybe she could find a cup of coffee or something to hold her over ’til then. She headed toward the cafeteria, pretty sure she was going the right direction. A map would have been a good addition to the chaperone’s packet.

  This high school was huge, but it was the perfect place to house hundreds of teenagers with their raging adolescent hormones. All the guys were camped out in the classrooms on the north wing, the girls on the south. In the center were the common areas—the cafeteria, auditorium, gym and locker rooms, even an indoor pool—all serving as the great divide.