by Calia Read
In front of Severine was a battlefield. Her heart was drumming to a beat she had never heard. Jayni ran a hand down Severine’s arm and patted her shoulder. The arguing erupted in front of her.
Severine didn’t want this. It may get better for their family, but that window for Severine seemed to have slammed shut.
Her legs backed up, and Macsen’s head shot up quickly. “Stay, Sev!” He sat on the floor, still bleeding, and even battered, he had the ability to wound her. None of this was supposed to happen. “Everyone in my life that’s fucked me over is here. Let’s all sit and talk!”
“Macsen-” Owen gruffly spoke out.
“Wow! Dad speaks. He has a voice!” Macsen laughed, and it was dark. A chill swept through Severine as she stared down at him. Everything before this moment had been an illusion. An illusion of what she thought she knew to be the truth. The reality was in front of her. It yelled out that this family feud went much deeper than sibling wars. Macsen kept his gaze on her face, and pointed directly at her chest, right where her heart laid. “You want the beginning? Let’s go back to the day I met you, Severine!”
“I’m not doing this here.”
“I count the times you walk away. You want to know the truth about everything? Then sit.”
Severine’s animosity rose for him with each word he spoke. A part of her wanted to pummel him with punches for the pain he’d given her. “You want to hash things out in front of your family? Do you really want to do that?” Severine stepped closer. “Tell them you cheated on me with someone else. Tell them all of it, Macsen!”
He leaned his head against the wall, with his eyes in slits, and he looked her over. “Is it any better than you fucking my brother weeks after you left me? And what’s worse is you did it behind everyone’s back. Who’s next, Severine? Hmm? Maybe Mathias?”
His words put the pressure on the trigger. Her anger exploded out of her. She looped around Jayni and went for any part of his body. All she could connect with was his arm—Thayer snatched her back from doing anything else.
Pain was always brought out during the worst of times. Anger sometimes followed. It was the truth that came and snatched it all away. When the truth arrived, the damage would always be far worse. “You never gave me anything!” Severine yelled.
Macsen stood up slowly. His hand reached out, and Severine swore he was in pain. “I gave you everything I possibly could!”
“You’re too chicken shit to say the truth about anything! You hide behind it and use it as a fucking excuse!”
“You were with me, but were you ever? I was dragged along while you and my brother snuck looks at each other. So who’s the chicken shit? Me or you?”
“That is enough!” Jayni yelled. Her cheeks were flushed, and her pulse pounded against her neck. Severine blinked a few times before she realized that Jayni was there. Macsen and Severine still had a crowd around them.
Everyone paused long enough to look in her direction. Everyone but Macsen. He snorted and kept speaking. “It’ll never be enough until Severine has her truth!”
Mathias rubbed his face and groaned. “Shit. Just stop talking.”
Macsen gave Mathias the finger and walked toward the broken kitchen table. His hands wobbled as they grasped a chair that was still intact. “My life became a disaster the minute my mom asked me to testify against Dad during a custody battle.”
Everyone stopped speaking.
Severine’s eyes widened as he continued. “I lied for her. I was eight years old and believed everything that came out of her mouth. I lied and said my dad had abused me.”
Severine’s heart dropped to her stomach at his revelation. There was no manipulation in his eyes, just pain. She stepped forward and stood on the opposite side of the table.
“I thought I could keep you without me ruining us. But I fucked even that up. Maybe there is nothing inside of me but a big hole. Maybe I have no soul. Maybe I’m a different breed. My life has been filled with mistakes, and I thought if I kept you away from it, you’d never see that part of me.” A single tear fell down his cheek, and Severine’s own sadness chased after it. “Everything’s better without the truth. Are you happy now?”
“No,” Thayer said as he stepped forward, “don’t put that on her.”
Macsen breathed harshly through his nose. “Don’t give her the truth?”
“We hated each other way before she came along.”
“Do you ever wonder what we saw in you, Sev?”
She did. Every single day. “No,” Severine lied.
“You’re a fucking liar,” Macsen accused. He knew her well enough to see through her poker face and call her bluff. Both brothers did.
“You were so fucking carefree,” Macsen explained. Severine swallowed loudly as he continued. “But you had so much fire in you. After a while, I saw what Thayer saw: a girl that could cut a person down with a look and build them right back up with a smile. I swear on everything that I believed that you wouldn’t get to me. I could’ve guaranteed that your smiles wouldn’t make me feel like I could alter all my past fuck-ups and make it better...I tried so fucking hard with you, Severine.”
Chapter Forty-six
It was freezing, but Severine stayed outside.
Inside, things were starting to quiet down. Thayer sat at the kitchen table and talked with his dad heatedly. Macsen had left an hour ago.
Severine wanted to follow him and ask him so many things. Every question started with why. His past wouldn’t have affected her. What his mom did to him wasn’t his fault. He was just a child. She was never given the chance to tell him any of her thoughts.
She gathered her sweater tightly against her and looked up at the sky. It was clear. Stars sprinkled its perfect canvas. Every night, this was a constant. How could she make her life that way?
The patio door opened, and Severine turned her head at the noise. Mathias walked up with his hands in his pockets and flashed his package of cigarettes. “I’m killing sixty seconds off my life.” He peered at her. “What’s your excuse for being out here?”
Severine hugged her arms tighter around herself and sat on the frigid patio seat. “I didn’t want to listen to that.”
A cigarette poked out of the side of his mouth. The lighter in his hands brought a flash of light to his face and the dark smirk on his lips. He inhaled deeply, and a trail of smoke escaped his mouth as he lifted his head to the sky. “You mean, not everyone’s family is so messed up?”
A wind picked up around them, and the bare branches bent toward the wind’s demands. At night, everything was raw, primal, and so completely alone.
If Severine could ever regret her choices, it’d be now. “Tell me something good about your brothers.”
His laugh was dark. “I can’t.” He flicked the tip of his cigarette and stared down at the fixture in his hands. “We’re all a fucking mess; each of us in a different way.”
Severine shook her head at his cryptic words. “That’s a dark thing to say.”
“It’s the truth. It’s what you get for allowing a Sloan into your life.”
“You know, I used to think that I could figure it out.”
Mathias barely raised a brow. “And now?”
“I’m still just as lost.”
“You’ve started a fire between them,” Mathias warned, although the dark smile on his face made it impossible for his warning to be sincere. “It might be impossible to douse those flames.” He looked at her sympathetically. “Did you really not have any clue what you were getting yourself into?”
“I didn’t want that, what happened earlier,” Severine confessed. She needed to tell her feelings to someone.
“I know. Everyone knows.” He finished his cigarette and flicked it off the deck without caring where it fell. When he turned back to her, the wind kicked up and tousled his dark blonde hair—so similar to Thayer’s. Mathias was too raw, though. He held dark secrets in his eyes and was friendly to no one. “Welcome to the family, tiger.�
� He patted her shoulder and smiled widely. “You’ve earned your stripes.”
Severine tilted her head back to stare back up at the sky. And when Mathias left, Jayni replaced him.
“Hi, sweetie.”
Severine turned. “Hi.”
Jayni held out a plate of pizza on a plastic plate. “I brought you some food.”
“Carbs are dangerous for an emotional girl.”
Jayni laughed and sat next to Severine. “I know. I’ve already had three slices.”
She let Severine eat before she tried to start a conversation. Her fingers rubbed in circles against her temple.
“Was what Macsen said the truth?” Severine asked.
Jayni’s hand briefly paused, before it disappeared altogether. Slowly, she nodded her head, and the sadness was back in her face. “Severine, have they ever talked about Laurena?” Lily quietly asked.
Severine shook her head. “I didn’t know it had a name.”
“She was never around,” Jayni said slowly. Her eyes settled on the tree in front of them as she continued. “Things between Owen and Laurena were a disaster from day one. She came from Germany, couldn’t speak a full sentence in English, but she used that to her advantage and roped their father.”
Severine stared at her sadly. She was hearing the truth. Before this moment, she would’ve loved to understand everything. Now, it was painful to listen to a family story filled with downfalls.
“Laurena used the kids as pawns. They were more of a trade-off than her flesh and blood. When they divorced, things got nasty. She wanted everything: the farm, the money. Just for spite, she requested full custody of the boys.”
A tear fell down Jayni’s cheek, and she wiped it away and smiled at Severine apologetically. “Her love is impossible to see. If you give her what she wants, she’ll reward you with attention. But, if you don’t, you no longer exist for her.
“Macsen was the youngest. He gave her that attention. She used his love and warped it. Laurena manipulated him to think things. He did what he did to keep her. I don’t have to think on it. I know it.” Severine felt her stomach crumble over Jayni’s explanation. “He was only a kid,” she continued, “but lines were drawn after that. Mathias and Thayer ended up living with Owen’s father, Eugene, for a few years. They moved to Missouri to live with Owen and me when they were teenagers.”
The puzzle pieces came together perfectly. The final masterpiece was horrific. “That’s why you have a cabin in Tennessee.”
Jayni nodded. “That was Eugene’s home before he passed away. We use it regularly when we visit Mathias.”
“And where was Macsen?”
“He stayed with Laurena. She was never in one place for too long.”
“Why did he stay with her?” Severine whispered. “He could’ve changed it all.”
“Everything that was said in there was the most Macsen has ever said...in front of any of us. None of us knew about you and Macsen, but it’s clear you brought something out of him.”
“Something dark and ugly?” Severine tried to lightly tease.
Jayni’s lips fell out of the flat line they had settled in, and she gave a weak grin. “It’s more than I’ve ever seen from him.”
“Why does Macsen go to school here? Why go to the same college as someone you can’t stand?”
Jayni shrugged and responded slowly, “We didn’t pay for Thayer’s schooling. We have good and bad times at the farm. He got a full ride to go here. Macsen is attending with his mom’s money.”
Severine shook her head and stared down at the ground. This story was crushing her. “The money she got from Owen.”
Jayni nodded. “He’s not bad. Macsen has good in him. Things are just more twisted for him. He’ll never like me because of what Laurena has said. But I think in the past few years, her control has started to wear off. I think he came here to be closer to Thayer. If there was any plan behind Macsen going here, it was to see if he could get his brother back.”
“Okay,” Severine said slowly. Not everything lined up perfectly. “Why would they live together?”
Jayni sighed. She seemed exhausted. “Owen pays for this apartment. He told them if they were willing to live together and not kill each other, he was willing to pay their rent.”
Severine gripped her hair in frustration. Stories were sometimes better left in the dark. The story of the Sloan brothers made everything seem obscured.
Jayni rubbed her back. “I know what I see between you and Thayer. There’s something there. Don’t let what you heard earlier affect that. None of it stems from you, Severine. Having all four of them together is painful. Someone usually ends up storming away.”
Severine would be that person.
People came together. Together, they’d fall apart. And no matter what Jayni said, it wouldn’t change the truth that on one minuscule level, Severine had caused a deeper rift.
“I think I’m gonna leave,” Severine pronounced awkwardly.
Jayni nodded and stood. “I know this visit started off on an odd note, but we’d love to see you before we leave Sunday.”
“I hope.” But it won’t happen.
Jayni accepted Severine’s answer and opened up the patio door for them to walk through. Thayer glanced up from where he sat on the couch. He looked severed and blindly pieced together. Fear was in his opaque irises. He held out his hand to her, and Severine’s fingers immediately linked with his like a lifeline, a pardon from tonight.
Goodbyes were mumbled and they slowly walked outside to her car. Severine trekked across the parking lot at a deliberately slow pace. She felt as if somehow they were kissing away their future.
“Where do we go from here?” Severine asked finally.
Thayer swallowed and stared down at the ground. That was never good.
Fear took over Severine’s body. She gripped Thayer’s jaw and forced him to look at her. “Do I give you time? Do I step away?” Her hold from his face disappeared. “Help me out, Thayer. I don’t know what to do.”
“Neither do I.”
His brief response scared her. “Can’t we let go of this?”
“What you heard is going to give you doubts.”
Severine opened her mouth. Thayer sealed it shut with a kiss. “You can’t answer that quickly. It’ll be in your head that you started something between Macsen and me, when in reality, it’s been like this for years.”
Severine anxiously opened her mouth. “Jayni told me. I know everything.” Maybe if he knew she had discovered the truth, he wouldn’t look crushed.
“Think about it. I’ll still be here.” His words were like a storm. Its intent was to clean the surface but all Severine felt was the thunder, and all she saw was the lightning striking around her.
“I didn’t see you doing this,” Severine accused.
A harsh noise came from the back of his throat. His eyes flashed with frustration. He gripped her face in his hands and hovered above her. His lips bore down on hers and wouldn’t let go. The intensity was still there. His tongue licked against her closed lips repeatedly. Severine’s tears pooled out quickly.
Repeatedly, her hands pushed at his stomach. He didn’t budge; instead, he situated himself close enough to where she couldn’t hide from him.
Her mouth opened on a gasp. He consumed every part open to him. And, for once, Severine held back. Her hands shook against her jeans. He was so close, but right now Thayer felt out of her reach.
Severine never wanted the truth to come out. She never wanted her fragile feelings to be exposed. There’d be nothing left of her. But she was close to losing everything. That last bit of armor slowly fell away inside Thayer’s apartment.
Her heart was homeless.
All it wanted was a shelter.
Things between them were going to fade and it terrified her.
The truth was, he knew her. He knew every game and every deceptive trick tightly zipped up within her boots, but it was the same for Severine. Thayer didn’t have t
o say anything. His actions showed his desperation. It felt like the beginning of the end.
He wrenched away, long enough to jerk her face up to look at him. “Touch me.”
It might be the last time she had him this close. She should’ve held tight, but she couldn’t. She refused to think anything between them was over. Severine’s lips shook as she answered him, “No.”
His body bowed to hers, and Thayer nestled his nose against her neck. “I need this. I need reassurance that you still want this.”
She pushed, and he shifted away. “This is all a big wave off then, no? If you won’t be here tomorrow.” Severine sputtered out.
“I wouldn’t put everything I had into a wave off. I don’t think I can do that with you!”
“Then why are you doing this?” Whether he knew it or not, he was crushing her.
He looked just as tortured as her. None of it made sense. “Meet me in thirty days,” he swallowed, “in two months, a whole fucking year. I don’t care how long. I’m gonna be here. I’m in love with you.”
“I don’t need space. You’re not giving me a decision in any of this. You’re telling me what’s going to happen!”
“I’ve waited too long for you! I want a future with you more than the present. All my family fuck- ups will come back and repeat themselves. That’s why I’m doing this. That’s why I’m telling you this and giving you a chance to walk away!”
Emotions she never knew she could possess consumed her. Her breathing came out steadily, when inside she was gasping for air. He pulled away and she wanted to plead for him to stay.
She opened her car door and turned back to him. “I love you,” Severine blurted out. “You’ve taunted me from day one. There has always been this warning above your head, that you’d be bad for me, that together we’d be too much...”
He shook his head at her words. Severine continued, “We proved my subconscious right.”
