by Calia Read
* * * * *
Severine waited until she was back at the dorms to break apart.
The drive from Thayer and Macsen’s was normally a short trip. Her lungs felt compressed as she drifted from Thayer. It was hard to regret him. He showed her that love did have a beautiful melody. She wanted to sing out the hymn, over and over.
The shaking in her hands became impossible to constrain. Her grip became tighter and tighter until her circulation cut off. By the time she pulled up into a parking spot, her hands were numb, just like her heart. But feeling would tingle back into her fingertips. It was hard to say when her heart would revive itself back to life.
Bricks weighed her down as she took the stairs up to her room. If dreams existed, she’d fly away from all of this. If wishes could be granted, she’d clench her eyes tightly and make the clock wind all the way back to the moment Lily asked her where she wanted to study.
She’d warn herself. Her shaking hands would grab Severine as she yelled at her to go anywhere else to study—every other place but there.
“Hey, you okay?”
Severine slid her key into the lock and looked up to see Anne walking down the hall with an armful of books. Fibbing about her feelings wasn’t an option. She shook her head and glanced back at the door before opening it wide.
Her walls screamed of Thayer.
Anne wordlessly took Severine’s hand in her own and guided her into the room. When the door shut, her sadness spilled out in waves. Her back hit the door, and she slid to the ground. Anne followed down the same path.
“I know everything,” Severine mumbled out.
Anne kneeled in front of Severine and peered closely at her. “What?”
“Thayer and Macsen. I know everything between them.”
A piece of toilet paper dangled in front of her. Severine grabbed it and blew her nose loudly.
Anne sat down Indian style on the cold floor. “It’s that bad?”
“It’s all a disaster,” Severine admitted.
“And where are you now?”
“I don’t know,” Severine hiccuped. “I went over there for reassurance and left with a mutilated heart.”
The tears kept coming. Anne stayed next to her, remaining silent the whole time. Her presence was enough.
When she thought of all the ‘almosts,’ it made everything worse. Eyes weren’t created for sight. They were the portals to someone’s past. How could Severine miss the story of the Sloan brothers? Maybe because she expected an anecdote and not a nightmare?
She leaned her head against Anne’s small shoulder, and everything gushed out of her soul like a flood.
That night, Severine fell asleep wondering if Thayer would keep true to his word. Because it was known that time separated everything. Time healed wounds. Time made you forget. That’s what Severine feared the most.
Three Months Later...
Chapter Forty-seven
What does a heart bleed out when it’s crushed?
Its contents could show someone so much of who they really were.
Severine finally understood herself. Her pain screamed to her the truth. It was caustic to admit that she had to search for the sun hidden by shadows. When everything parted, she wanted to discover Thayer. If he could accept her for her faults, then so much was paved out for them already.
Severine wanted that. She wanted a smooth path for them. They needed it—deserved it.
But empathy was something she’d never possess. He told her that when she was ready he’d be waiting. She stayed back. For more than a day. That day spanned into three months.
Her legs moved up and down underneath the coffee table. Lily glanced up at her and barely raised a brow. “I told you this was a stupid idea.”
“I think I need to do this.”
Lily rose from the table and clutched her magazine tightly to her chest. “No, I don’t think you do. But if it’s going to give you some kind of closure, then go for it.” The bell on the door jingled and they both looked at the entrance. “Well, well, well,” Lily murmured near Severine. She rose to her full height and patted Severine’s shoulder as the figure came closer to their table. “I’m gonna look for some books.”
Severine nodded and looked at the body walking toward to her. She had already questioned if this was a good decision. When he called, she relented—mostly for closure.
“I can’t believe you came.”
Severine chose to look first at the baseball cap.
Macsen stood in front of her, dressed in khaki shorts and a gray t-shirt featuring a band she’d never discover. Her gaze traveled up to his face, and Macsen’s green eyes, the ones that before could’ve killed her with a glance, were guarded. There was no way to know what he was thinking.
He pointed to the seat across from Severine hesitantly. It’s funny what a few months could do to a person. Time away from Thayer had almost broken her soul in two. Time away from Macsen was a healing process that she had never allowed herself.
She nodded and kicked it out with her leg. “You can sit.”
When he settled in across from her, he looked sheepish. “Sorry. I’m still in shock that you actually showed up.”
Severine shrugged but said nothing in response.
Macsen tapped his fingers against the table. She watched him repeatedly open and close his mouth.
Months ago, she expected it all from him: the world, his time, and his heart. Severine needed nothing from him now. It didn’t give her the agony it once did.
“You deserve something from me,” Macsen gradually said. “What I did to you months ago...it wasn’t planned. I didn’t premeditate any of it.”
Severine leaned her elbows on the table and placed her chin in her palm. She was ready to talk this through. “Then why do it?”
He rubbed a hand over his face and readjusted his cap. The discomfort around them rose to a higher decibel. “When I met you, I saw exactly what my brother saw. I thought I had you pegged at first. You turned out to be something altogether unexpected. You gave me everything, and...it overwhelmed me. It scared me.”
Severine slowly nodded her head. “It still doesn’t explain it.”
“Why do you need this explanation?”
“I’ve gone over it so many times in my head, I’ve lost count. I need to stand for something. Let me have that one thing, Macsen.”
“Why?”
Severine mashed the wrapper of her straw with her palm. When she lifted her hand, it stuck to her skin. Gravity prevailed, and it fell away. Just like Macsen. “I’ve fallen for so much already. I have nothing left to contribute.”
Macsen acknowledged her response with a brief nod of his head. “You seemed to be one step above me, always. When I met Ver—that girl,” he corrected quickly, “at the library, I was something to her. I wasn’t beneath her, and I didn’t have to keep up with her.” He took off his baseball cap and played with the bill nervously. “She trailed after me when we were together.”
Severine slightly scrunched up her nose at the word ‘together.’ It would probably be a sore spot for her forever.
“I was funny to her,” he continued, “no matter what I said, she’d laugh. She wasn’t searching for something with me.” His fingers dropped away from the hat, and he looked at her with regret that on most days, Severine could accept. “Our relationship was the opposite of us. I think if I wouldn’t have screwed up, there would’ve been something else to get in between us. I couldn’t bounce back quickly enough for you. And when I did, it left me feeling dizzy and unprepared for the next time your brilliance would come my way.”
“You could’ve told me how you felt, what you were thinking...”
“No, I couldn’t. I was drinking my delusion and distancing myself from every part of you,” Macsen explained.
“You were something to me. At that time, you were what I thought I needed.”
Macsen laughed and shook his head at her response. “You never really needed me, Sev. You’ll never o
utgrow the world. But I think I always knew at one point, you’d start to outgrow me.”
It was still tense. Severine stared down at the wooden floors beneath her feet. Around them, people talked and laughed. Summer’s imprint was everywhere. Skin showed and smiles were in clear sight. Sitting here with Macsen, closing this part of her life was bittersweet. There could’ve been something there between them. It could’ve been all-consuming.
Severine was willing to accept that mistakes happened. People could come together after a regret. Most times, when that happened, it showed just how durable a couple could be. From the beginning, Severine and Macsen’s durability was stretched thin. Too many things stood in their way.
“Do you ever regret us?” Macsen asked.
“Sometimes,” Severine finally said. “I used to all the time. I had this huge idea of what I thought we’d be. We proved that we could have good times, but the bad outweighed everything else.” Her fingers picked the flat straw wrapper off the table and smashed it even further. “We weren’t made for each other.”
Not in the way I am for Thayer.
She kept her thoughts private, and Macsen disclosed his without a care. If only he would’ve been like this before. “You haven’t seen him?”
Severine leaned back in her chair. “We needed time apart.”
His fingers stopped moving, and he flicked his green eyes to her face. “Will you come together after this?”
“I don’t know,” Severine answered honestly.
“Do you love him?”
Severine paused and stirred the straw around in her cup. “Do you really want to know that?”
He laughed, and it came out choked. “Not really. But a part of me needs to know.”
Her nod was hesitant. “Yeah, I do.”
At her response, he stood abruptly. His hands settled on the table, and he leaned closer to her. “I’d like to be able to tell you that you should be with him. I’d like to say, if you love him you should go, so I’d know I didn’t get in your way.”
He slammed his hat on his head. Strands curled around the edge of the cap, and Severine saw the old Macsen again. “I can’t say it without lying, though. That’d put us in the same spot as before.”
“When did you decide to be honest?” Severine quizzed.
He tucked his hands into his shorts and jingled his keys against his leg repeatedly. “I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes...in my past, and now. I thought that before you left to go back home, I’d fix this wrong between us.”
Their gazes held, and Severine stared at Macsen without blinking. There wasn’t much more to say after this.
“I’ll see you later, Severine.”
“Bye.”
He turned to walk away, but Severine saw his eyebrows rise. It didn’t look like much, but she noticed the cryptic expression on his face. He didn't have to say anything. Severine knew what he was thinking. Goosebumps rose across her skin as she finally came to the realization that he wasn't done...at least with her.
He turned and walked out the cafe. When the door lightly closed behind him, that piece of her life and the emotions she had held for so long, fell back into her lap. It was hers again. It was hers to keep close or give away.
A flash of color next to the window caught Severine’s attention. She looked up just in time to see a slim girl walk across the room. It was the flash of caramel that hooked her in. The hair color was unique and never seen unless on a hair color bottle. Half her hair was held back with a clip, while the rest fell down her back, almost touching her waist. The girl wasn’t immune to the hot weather; her hair was scrunched and styled. But she just made it look natural, almost windblown to look wild and free. Just for that one reason, Severine disliked her.
Severine watched her throw away her drink and turn to walk out the door. Emilia looked back at her and winked. It was on instinct that Severine pulled away.
Her fingers clutched the sides of her chair tightly. Honestly, she didn’t know whether to feel shock, or to feel duped. Emilia slung her brown leather bag over her strapless summer dress, and hurried out the door. Her steps were lithe and sure, much like Severine’s. When she stepped in front of Macsen and stopped him from getting into his truck, Severine’s eyes bulged. They talked with familiarity.
The cold day in winter, when she first met Emilia, she gave no second thought to the girl. She looked like a girl with a story, but didn’t everybody have one?
Her eyes narrowed at the girl in front of her. She couldn’t help but feel betrayed. “Son of a bitch,” Severine muttered in awe.
“What?” Lily swung her bag of books on the open seat, and sat where Macsen once did. Her view from the outside was effectively blocked. Lily dug through her wallet in search of money. “Did you get what you wanted?” she asked distractedly.
Severine nodded her head, slowly. Her eyes stayed on Emilia, and when the secretive girl outside turned, she smirked directly at Severine. “I think so.” Or at least I think so.
“What the hell are you looking at?” Lily asked.
When Severine looked back up at her friend, Lily was staring distractedly at the door and at Macsen. “Who’s that chick with him?”
“Ah...her name’s Emilia. I met her a few months back.”
Lily narrowed her eyes and peered closer. “Hmm. I don’t know her.” She paused for a second and her face perked up, “but Melissa would.”
“What, are you gonna call her?” Severine asked with a trace of a smile. Her attention was still focused on Emilia, who turned from Macsen and walked toward her sleek, red convertible.
“You need to check your eyes, my friend. Melissa’s at the front counter.”
Severine pulled her gaze away from the glass window and looked at the counter where Melissa stood. She turned and saw Lily and Severine. Her smile was wide as she walked up to them.
“Hey, I didn’t see you guys here.”
Lily drummed her wallet against the chair and stared at the window. Severine wasn’t going to look.
“I have a question for ya,” Lily said with a smile.
Melissa nodded happily and sat down at their table. “Shoot.”
“Do you know that girl?” Lily pointed a finger toward the window. Severine looked even though she shouldn’t have and saw Emilia getting into her car.
“Emilia?” Melissa repeated back. She tore her straw from the wrapper and pursed her lips.
“Yes!” Severine said triumphantly.
“Then, yes, yes I do know her.” Melissa grinned at Severine and Lily’s impatient expressions. “I just got done talking to her. She’s transferring here for sure, and I was telling her about campus.”
“What else?” Lily asked.
“I’ve only talked to her a few times. All I know is that she’s our age, kind of shy, and her last name is Wentworth.” Melissa glanced between the two of them and pulled back. “Why are you guys being all weird?”
Lily looked at Severine and pointed a finger in her direction. “Remember that name.”
Chapter Forty-eight
Not every relationship would work itself out. Most would fade away into the air, and would join the ranks of all the let downs and disappointments.
Severine adjusted her shorts and stared at the field around her. The urge to bolt and drive back to where she belonged became a tempting thought in her head. If she could, she’d wrap yellow CAUTION tape around her heart, to keep her real emotions confined.
Birds chirped loudly in the trees around her, and the sun started to rise in the sky. It was going to be a clear, sunny day. The weather should’ve been enough to make her happy. Spring was a runner-up to winter. After a brutal winter it was a necessity. And after the winter she had just experienced, she needed the sunshine. But she couldn’t enjoy anything. Her heart was beating too fast.
Right now, in the early morning, it was still chilly. Goosebumps grooved underneath her skin as she waited. An hour had passed and still there were no other people around. Just her. S
everine’s doubt seeped in, but she stood still and tried to listen for any noise.
Jayni had met her at the front of the farmhouse and had quickly guided her to the back of the farm, toward a red barn. The minute it came into view, Severine smiled widely. Thayer’s story played in her mind as she followed the bumpy lines of the name Sloan written across the backboard. Like he had said, his jersey number was up there in faded letters, along with his NBA dream.
Severine walked away from the hoop and stopped where the gravel became faded. A slight indention in the ground was the only indication that someone else had stood there once. As she stared up at the barn, her smile couldn’t fade away. Even if she walked away from this journey, she finally got to see where a dream began.
The crunching of gravel was light, but Severine heard it instantly.
Thayer rounded the corner of the barn and halted when he saw her. Dressed in basketball shorts and a t-shirt, he appeared to be a person enjoying a nice summer stroll. Slowly, he approached.
Severine’s heart hammered with every dribble of the ball in her hands. Her hands shook, and she knew she wouldn’t be able to keep up with the casual attitude for too much longer.
“I’ve made ten out of twenty-five,” she passed the ball over to him, “what does that make me?”
He grabbed the ball instantly. Maybe it was habit, but casually he dribbled the ball in between his legs, as he walked closer to her. “It makes you mediocre.”
Standing in front of him without touching him was torturous. Her hands twitched to reach out. Severine instead ate him up with her eyes. The sun rose to his height and made his gray eyes seem almost clear. He stopped in front of her, waiting for her to make the first move.
Severine swallowed and gave him a small grin. “I’m here.”
“In Missouri,” Thayer observed. He moved closer and grinned.
Severine snatched the ball away from his cocky hands and twirled it between her fingers. “If I have any more time for myself I’m going to explode.” She held the ball behind her. “Are you still waiting?”
