Old Witch New Tricks

by Mara Webb

  “Fine,” I sighed. “What else are estranged little sisters for? What’s the damage?” I said, looking at Rona.

  “Four hundred dollars,” she said plainly.

  “Four hundred—?! Rudy!”

  “I was asleep, remember. It was my guest.”

  Regretfully I pulled my card out of my bag and handed it over. “I hope mom doesn’t spring any more surprise siblings on me, I’ll be broke within the month.”

  “Chelsea?” someone said behind me. I turned and saw a figure in a long jacket and a hat. He also had an umbrella up indoors, which was a little weird. “Chelsea! That is you!” The figure closed the umbrella and lifted up their hat, revealing a pale man with blonde hair. It was Jack Valentine, my lawyer and lover that never was.

  “Jack!” I said. “Where have you been?! I haven’t seen you in ages!”

  “I just got back from Europe this morning. I was handling that estate law case for a client of mine. Complicated stuff, but I got through it in the end.” He looked at Rudy. “Friend of yours?”

  “Rudy. Chelsea’s brother.”

  “My Appletini drinking brother to be exact,” I said. “Leaving me with a tab to pick up.”

  “That technically isn’t mine,” Rudy added.

  “Oh?” Jack shuffled his briefcase into his other hand and pulled out a card. “Just put it on the corporate card will you, Rona, Chelsea here is a good friend of mine.”

  “Whatever you say Mr. Valentine.” Rona swiped the card and handed it back. “Tab settled. You’re free to go.” She turned and disappeared through a door behind the counter.

  “Thanks,” Rudy said to Jack. “I guess I owe you one.”

  “Forget about it. Chelsea’s done enough for me, I’m glad to help out. Say Chelsea, I hope you don’t mind, but I was wondering if we could sit down and talk for five minutes. I have a potential issue that you might be able to help me out with.”

  I looked at my watch, realizing another day was already slipping away from me. “Okay five minutes, but I have got places to be.”

  “Of course, of course!” he said.

  “I’ll leave you to it,” Rudy said. “Thanks for coming Chelsea. I’ve never had someone I can rely on before. It feels very strange.”

  “It’s fine, just be more careful with your guests, and you’re paying for coffee when it finally happens.”

  “It’s a deal. Later sis.”

  “So,” I said to Jack as we walked to his office. “How was Europe? Gothic? Romantic?”

  “Oh… it was an experience all right!” Jack laughed nervously. Glancing over at him I just couldn’t get over how pale he was. He’d only been gone for a few weeks at the least, but he looked like death warmed up. “It was a lot of traveling, but it paid off in the end, I’ve got myself a new employer, one that wants to put me on permanent retainer too!”

  “Wow, so you’ll be leaving the hotel?”

  “I’ll probably stay and still rent out the office, but yes. My new employer wants my attention exclusively, they are looking to buy a house here on the island and they want me to act as an estate agent of sorts.” Jack set his case down and unlocked the door to his office, gesturing for me to step inside.

  Once inside he closed the door, made his way over to the windows and pulled down the blinds. It was a nice day, so I found the move a little odd, but maybe he was just tired from all the traveling.

  “Drink?”

  “Coffee please.” I took a seat at his desk and stretched out my legs. I could already tell it was going to be one of those days. “You meet anyone nice in Europe?” I asked. “A good girl to anchor you down?”

  Jack chuckled from behind me while he made the drinks. “No, no, nothing like that. My employer has three daughters, but they’re quite… scary.”

  “So what did you want to talk about?” I asked. “If it’s anything involving law then I don’t have a clue, but you already know that.”

  “Well… I thought maybe you know something about this,” he said. I turned around and my mouth dropped open. Jack was standing on the ceiling and two long fangs were poking out from his top lip.

  “Jack…” I said very slowly. “Are you a vampire?”

  “Yes Chelsea,” he said. “I think there’s a chance that I might be.”

  12

  “Let’s just take a few steps back,” I said, watching as Jack walked down the wall and stepped back onto the floor, gravity not seeming to affect him in the slightest. “…You’re a vampire.”

  “It would appear so.”

  “This happened on your trip to Europe?”

  Jack nodded. “Yes.”

  “Any chance your new employer is based in Transylvania?”

  Jack laughed. “Chelsea don’t be ridiculous. His castle is right on the boundary, but technically not in Transylvania.”

  “Jack… is your employer Count Dracula?!”

  “Chelsea listen to yourself! Dracula isn’t real! His name is Count Vassago!”

  “Yes, that doesn’t sound in the least bit evil. So, what happened?”

  “It all started several weeks ago when a mysterious envelope appeared on my desk. There was no postage, just my name written upon it in dark red ink. Anyway, I opened it and found a letter from one Count Vassago, requesting my assistance with a legal matter in his home country of Romania. I had questions naturally, but also inside the envelope was an amount of money that was equal to three years’ salary.”

  “Crikey, Vassago sounds flush.”

  “You don’t know the half of it!”

  “I don’t understand though. How did he come to select you? You’re a lawyer on some random island off the coast of America, halfway around the world from Romania.”

  “I did some public defense work for a young man a few months back, I thought nothing of it at the time. It was a simple case and I got him out of trouble. He was pleased with the work and said he had an uncle in Europe that required the hand of a talented lawyer. He said he’d be in touch. Well, several months later it happened.”

  “And you found none of this suspicious?”

  “I’ll admit I was a tad skeptical, but I’m at something of a turning point in my life Chelsea. I’m trying to say yes to more things. I’ve spent most of my adult life so far working every single minute, and I decided it was time to try something new!”

  “Ah yes, escape work by going to work somewhere else.”

  “Baby steps, am I right? Anyway, I went to Castle Vassago and well… it was an interesting time. I didn’t see much of the Count at first, and soon I realized I was a prisoner of sorts. I buried myself in the work and got it all done, and when I was finished the Count expressed his immense satisfaction. He said he’d arranged a flight home for me, and that he wanted to employ me on a permanent basis, on full retainer.”

  “And you just turned into a vampire on the way home?”

  “No, I went to bed that night and… well, I don’t know what happened. I woke up several days later in an unfamiliar part of the castle, with the worst fever I’ve ever had. The Count was gone, but there was a note telling me to rest up and make my way back when I was better. I figured things out pretty quickly when I tried to go outside in the daylight. Also blood. I have an insatiable thirst for blood.”

  Jack’s eyes then darted to my throat and for the first time I realized I might be in trouble. I stood up out of the chair and raised my hands. “Jack, I should warn you, you’re not the only one with secrets.”

  As of this moment Jack knew nothing about my magic powers. I didn’t really have any steadfast spells to defend myself, but if vampire boy here thought I was a free lunch he had another thing coming.

  “Relax!” he laughed. “If you should know one thing about Count Vassago it’s that he likes to be prepared. He is a very rich man, one that made his fortune on the coattails of advanced scientific exploration. If I may?” Jack reached into his suit pocket and pulled out a business card, delicately extending his arm out and offering the car
d to me. I took and read it.

  Vassago Industries: Leading pioneers in artificial blood.

  “Artificial blood?” I said as I handed the card back. “That’s a thing?”

  “Very much so, and Count Vassago himself said a steady supply of his fine product is part of my salary. He said employees are much more reliable when they’re not locked up for murder.”

  I laughed nervously. I don’t think I was taking this perhaps as seriously as I should, Jack was now a vampire, and with that came the threat of him being dangerous, even if he did have an unlimited supply of artificial blood on tap. “As long as you’re not hurting anyone…” I said.

  “I haven’t got the stomach for that! But I must say I’m surprised at how well you’re taking this. It’s almost like you’re already familiar with the paranormal.”

  I debated whether or not I should tell Jack about me being a witch, but I decided against it. This new development opened a lot of questions, and though he seemed like the old Jack I knew, there was still a chance he couldn’t be trusted.

  “I guess I’ve always been a believer. I think ever since I read Twilight. Yeah. It just felt real, you know?” I joked.

  “Never read it myself,” he laughed. “Perhaps I should brush up, find out how I’m supposed to act.”

  “Mainly a lot of brooding and spending the rest of your life chasing after high school girls.”

  “Yikes.” He pulled an unsure face. “Maybe I’ll forge my own path then. People have been calling me a blood-sucking lawyer most of my life anyway!”

  “Why is the Count moving to the island by the way?”

  “I’m not sure yet, all I know is that I’m the one that’s supposed to help out.”

  “And why did you bring me in here to tell me all this? How can I possibly help?”

  “To be honest I just wanted to unload this on someone, and something told me you’d take it well.”

  “If you’re happy then I’m happy,” I said. “Just… promise me you’re not going to be adding to my case load. I’m up to my eyes in mysteries as it is.”

  Jack laughed. “I don’t think you have anything to worry about there, Chelsea. My client is most likely just looking to retire somewhere in peace, and I can facilitate that with my legal expertise. I don’t think much will change, save for a few nighttime walks and a decreased appetite.”

  It was all extremely weird, but in the grand scheme of things this was one of the more normal conversations I’d had this week. Jack was actually one of the more helpful friends I had on the island, and I was glad to have him back, even if he was a little different now.

  “I don’t suppose you feel like helping me out?” I said. “I’ve got a case at the moment, and I’m going in circles a little bit.”

  “Sure. What’s the story?”

  I caught Jack up to speed with the basics, starting from the murder at the studio to the present moment. Jack sat and listened intently the entire time, and I noticed that his eyes were now the most unusual shade of bright ruby red.

  “Bryce,” he said to himself. “Tyson Bryce? Short, square head, colorful suits?”

  “You knew him?”

  “Yeah, I knew him, I used to play golf with him in fact. Can’t say I’m surprised to hear that someone snuffed the guy, he was a bit of a weasel from the sound of things.”

  “And that’s an insult to weasels. How did you know him?”

  “We’re members of the same golf club, a place up on the hills, Gilded Oaks.”

  “You don’t strike me as a big golf player.”

  “I’m not really, but the company that owns the hotel owns the course, and a lot of clients like to have meetings out on the green. I actually did a bit of work for Bryce, nothing complex. Settling a few contract disputes, of which he was always in the right. He was a grinch, but he sure knew his stuff.”

  “Huh, well, I have a list of suspects. Is there any chance you could look into these people for me, and see what you can pull up?”

  “I can bend a few rules and look around, seeing as it’s for you. What was it you wanted to know?”

  “Anything of interest. At this point the smallest clue could help.”

  “I can do that. What are the names?”

  “It’ll be quicker if I write you down a list. You got a pen and paper?”

  Jack passed me a pen and pad and I jotted down the names. I slid it back across his desk, he looked at it and nodded. “I think this should be easy enough. I’ll give you a call when I’m done looking.”

  “Thanks Jack, I appreciate it,” I said, standing up to leave.

  “Say, I’m going to have more time on my hands now I only have one client. Do you want to get dinner sometime? I can’t promise I’ll have a great appetite, but I’ll have plenty of conversation!”

  “We’ll see,” I said. “I see you as a friend now, you understand that, right?”

  “Of course! Hey, no hard feelings between you and Deacon. He was there, I wasn’t. I understand. Oh and Chelsea?”

  “Yeah?” I said, turning back to look at him before I left.

  “I’d appreciate if you kept the whole vampire thing between me and you. I don’t exactly want this getting out. There’s no telling how other folk might react to this, and I’ve not renewed my angry mob insurance this year.”

  “Well gee, I was about to go and sing it from the rooftops. Don’t worry Jack, your secret is safe with me.”

  “Yeah, so, he’s a vampire,” I said to Lizzy. She pretty much choked on her coffee and nearly spat it out everywhere.

  “What?!”

  I decided to grab a coffee from Aztec Pancake before heading to the studio and bumped into my Cousin Lizzy unexpectantly. We hadn’t hung out properly for a few days now, so it was nice to sit down and talk with her for five minutes.

  “I said I wouldn’t tell anyone, but I know nothing about vampires,” I said to her as we both sat in our booth in the diner. “Like, are they dangerous? Do you know much about them?”

  “Not really,” she said. “They like to keep to themselves really. I wouldn’t be surprised if there are a few on the island. They’re not necessarily evil just because they drink blood, from what I understand there are alternatives now? I don’t know. I can look into it for you. He’s probably safe, and if not, we kill him!”

  “Lizzy!”

  “I’m just kidding. Mostly. It’s Jack Valentine, it couldn’t have happened to a bigger noodle of a man. What’s he going to do? ‘Excuse me, can I please suck your blood?!’” she said, phrasing the last part in a heavy Transylvanian accent.

  “I guess. He was walking on the ceiling though, and don’t vampires have super strength and super speed? He seems fine now, but what if this power goes to his head? And what about his new employer, this weird Count? He’s planning to come and live on the island!”

  “If I know anything about vampires it’s that they are victims of their own immortality. They have all the time in the world, this Count probably won’t move here for like another 400 years, and we’ll be long gone by then, it’ll be Delta Jr’s problem, or Tomlina Brady the fourth!”

  “Do you expect people will forget to name children by then or something?”

  “It’s already happening! A girl I work with gave birth the other day and named her child Hippo!”

  “Hippo, eh? I kind of like it. Hippo Sponks…”

  Lizzy looked at her watch and sighed. “Uh, I gotta go, I’d love to sit here all morning and name our imaginary children, but I’m already running late. We’re finishing the masters for Laser Panther’s latest record, and Bash is really stressing out about it.”

  Lizzy worked as a record producer for a studio on the island, one that had received widespread attention after doing work for a band that regularly sold out stadiums. Bash was the owner of the studio and her boss, a guy in his forties with a mohawk. I’d only met him a few times, but he didn’t strike me as the type that bothered with stress.

  “Bash, stressed, rea
lly? He’s so laid back though.”

  “Ha! Try working with the guy! He’s the most tightly wound person I know. By the way, I know what you’re doing here, stop stalling for time and go and work on this mystery. Why are you procrastinating so much? That’s not like you.”

  “I’m not procrastinating, I just don’t have any answers. Maybe I’m too close to this one. Maybe I should just resign.”

  “Those sound like quitting words, and you know what is says on our family crest.”

  “We don’t have a family crest.”

  “No we don’t, but if we did it would say ‘Don’t be a quitter, Punch a hater.’ Also there’d be a picture of a honey badger with a clawhammer.”

  “Now who’s procrastinating?” I said.

  “Seriously, have you read about honey badgers? Those things are terrifying. They’re hardcore.”

  “Okay now I’m definitely leaving,” I said. “Once you start talking about nature documentaries you don’t stop.”

  “I just find wildlife interesting okay?! Don’t be a quitter. Punch a hater.”

  “I’ll punch someone in a minute!”

  13

  “Open up Larry!” I demanded as I pulled Buttercup up to the barrier of the studio. “I’ve got a lanyard and I’m not afraid to use it!”

  “Chelsea!” Larry said delightedly. “I was just starting to wonder when you would arrive. The station called ahead to let us know that you’re officially working the case. Come right in!”

  The barrier opened up and for a moment I was speechless. “Huh, I was expecting a little more pushback.”

  “Hey, I’m not going against the word of the law! Have fun snooping around in there! You want me to bring you a coffee?”

  “Yeah I guess a coffee would be great,” I grumbled. I’d driven here expecting a war of words, and as a result I had all this pent up energy raring and ready to go. I drove on through the open barrier, parked Buttercup in the guest parking and hopped out of the car. “All right Chelsea,” I said to myself. “You are going to get to the bottom of this, whether you like it or not.”