by Lucy Gordon
She glared. It was maddening not to be able to tell him that this was just what she minded most.
Grace put her head out of the window. ‘Andrew, Lilian’s on the phone.’
She couldn’t help overhearing the first part of the call. ‘Lilian? Hi, honey, yes, I got here OK-it was a wonderful few days, wasn’t it? You know I do-’ He gave a soft laugh that seemed to go through Ellie.
She stood still, filled with sensations that she didn’t understand and couldn’t control. Andrew was a man, not a boy. He excited her and mystified her, and he had all the allure of the unknown. But her chief sensation, although she didn’t understand it then, was childish, hurt pride.
There and then she made up her mind that she was going to make him fall in love with her, and that would show everyone. Above all it would show him that he couldn’t look down on her from lofty heights.
Oh, God, she thought now, looking back down the tunnel of years, I was only seventeen. What did I know?
The house stood well back from the road, almost hidden by trees. It was large and costly, the residence of a wealthy, successful man.
It was dusk as Andrew drove up the winding drive, and there were no lights to greet him. But for himself the house was empty, and even he spent very little time here since his wife and son had departed. He had a bachelor flat near the hospital.
This grandiose place wasn’t a home to him. It never had been. He’d bought it three years ago to satisfy Myra, who’d fallen in love with its size and luxury. She’d been the wife of the youngest top-ranking cardiothoracic surgeon in the country, and she’d expected to live appropriately. Andrew had demurred at the house, which was almost a mansion, with a porticoed door and walls covered with ivy. But Myra had insisted, and he’d yielded, as so often, to conceal the fact that his feeling for her had died. If it had ever lived.
For a while she’d enjoyed playing lady of the manor. She’d named the place ‘Oaks’ after the two magnificent trees in the garden. She’d bought their son, Simon, a pony, and had him taught to ride in the grounds. But by that time their marriage had effectively been over. She hadn’t even wanted Oaks as part of the divorce settlement.
He was pouring himself a drink when his mobile went. It was Myra, which made his head immediately start to ache.
‘You’re no easier to get hold of than you ever were,’ she said wryly. ‘Where are you?’
‘The house.’
‘What are you rattling around in that place for?’
‘I can’t think.’
‘Just checking about the weekend. Simon’s looking forward to seeing you.’
‘Look, I was going to call you about that-’
‘Don’t you dare!’
‘I’ll have to work over the weekend. Can’t you explain to Simon, make him understand?’
‘But he already does understand, Andrew. It’s what he understands that should be worrying you. He understands that he’s always last on your list of priorities.’
‘That’s not true.’
‘Damn, it is true! Look, I married you knowing your work always came first. I made that choice. But Simon didn’t. He expects to have a father who loves him-’
‘Don’t dare say I don’t love my son,’ he barked.
‘Do you think I need to say it? Don’t you think he knows it every time you let him down?’
‘Put him on.’
The talk with his son was a disaster. Simon was quiet and polite, saying, ‘Yes, Daddy,’ and ‘It’s all right, Daddy,’ at regular intervals. And it wasn’t all right. It was all dreadfully wrong, and he didn’t know what to do about it.
He was tired to the bone. He microwaved something from the freezer, barely noticing what it was, then settled down in front of his computer. For two hours he worked mechanically and only stopped because his head was aching too badly for him to think. But that was good. He didn’t want to think.
He wondered why he suddenly felt so drained and futile. The demands of work were crushing, but they always were. Pressure, stress, instant decisions, life and death-these were the things he thrived on, without which he wouldn’t exist. Suddenly they weren’t enough. Or rather, they were too much. For the first time in his career-no, his whole life-he wondered if he could cope with everything that was required of him.
It was absurd to connect this sudden loss of confidence with the brief moment in the hospital corridor when he’d been confronted with a past he’d thought safely dead and buried.
Buried. Not dead.
He hunted in the top drawer of his desk until he found a set of keys, selected one, and used it to open the bottom drawer. At the back, buried under a pile of papers, was an envelope, stuffed with photographs. He laid it on the desk, but made no move to open it, as though reluctant to take the final step.
At last he shook out the contents onto the desk, and spread them out with one hand. They were cheap snaps, nothing special, except for the glowing faces of the two young people in them.
The girl’s long blonde hair streamed over her shoulders in glorious profusion, her face was brilliant with life. It was that life, rather than her beauty, that made her striking. All youth and abundance seemed to have gathered in her, as though any man who came near her must be touched by her golden shadow, and be blessed all his days.
Blessed all his days. There was a thought to bring a bitter smile to the face of a man who’d felt that blessing, and seen it die.
He lingered over the girl’s laughing face, trying to reconcile it with the weary look he’d seen on the woman in the corridor. Just once her gaze was turned on the young man, and he studied her expression, trying to detect in it some trace of the love he’d once believed in. In every other picture she was looking directly at the camera.
By contrast, the man had eyes only for her, as though nothing else in the world existed for him. His hands were about her waist or on her shoulder, touching her face, his expression one of tender adoration.
Andrew wanted to seize him, shake him, crying, You fool, don’t be taken in by her. She’s nothing but a cold-hearted little schemer, who’ll break your heart and laugh at you.
She’d been laughing when he’d first seen her at the party, dancing with blissful abandon. With her head thrown back in enjoyment, her eyes sparkling, she’d seemed the very embodiment of everything he’d given up on the day he’d decided to be the greatest doctor in the world. He’d devoted himself to study, ignoring the young, heedless pleasures that other medical students had seemed to find time for. They’d been all right for people who’d been satisfied with being ordinary doctors, but he hadn’t been satisfied, and he hadn’t been going to be ordinary.
Without warning this shimmering pixie had burst on him, and before he’d been able to control the feeling, he’d been filled with fierce regret for the whole side of life he’d rejected. He’d escaped to the kitchen, away from the sight of her.
But then she’d appeared, looking even younger close-up, and he’d known that she’d been dangerous to his peace of mind. He’d assumed an air of lofty indifference, talking to her with one eye still on his book, as though he hadn’t been able to tear himself away, although the truth had been that every fibre of him had been aware of her.
He’d have liked to believe her claim of being nineteen, but her air of bravado had given her away. She’d flirted like a kid, crossing her beautiful legs on the table near him, and saying she liked older men in a ‘come hither’ voice that would have finished him but for his stern resolutions. His advice to ‘go back to your party, pretty little girl’ had been an act of desperation.
He’d promised himself to avoid her, but when he’d seen boys getting her drunk for a laugh he’d had to step in and rescue her.
He’d taken the house key from her purse and carried her up the stairs to what he’d guessed had been her room. He’d removed her clothes because if her mother had found her fully dressed and asleep she might have guessed the truth. He was a doctor, and impersonal, so he’d thought.
But he’d found himself holding a girl wearing a bra and panties so wispy as to have been almost nonexistent. Laying her gently on the bed, he’d been shocked to find how his hands had longed to linger over her silky skin and perfect shape. He’d hung up her dress, using the controlled movements to impose discipline on his mind and, through his mind, his sensations. Discipline, control, order. That was how it had always been with him.
But not this time. Fear had seized him, and he’d got out as fast as he’d been able to.
He’d fled to the imagined safety of Lilian, a girlfriend as sedate and studious as himself. But there had been no safety there, or anywhere. After that it was too late. It had always been too late.
CHAPTER THREE
H ETTA and Elinor shared their cramped little room both night and day. It meant that Elinor spent half her night listening for Hetta’s breathing, terrified lest her child had slipped away in the darkness. Each dawn she gave thanks that Hetta was still alive, and tried to convince herself that she wasn’t losing ground. Every morning she went to work and telephoned home after the first hour, to hear Daisy say, ‘She’s fine.’ In the late afternoon she hurried home at the first chance, anxious to look at Hetta’s face and lie to herself that the little girl wasn’t really looking paler or more tired.
There were the regular check-ups with the local doctor, who assured her that Hetta was ‘holding on’. And there were the further check-ups at the hospital, where Sir Elmer Rylance would make kindly noises.
‘I promise you Hetta is top of the list,’ he told her once. ‘As soon as a suitable heart becomes available…’
But day followed day, week followed week, and no heart ever became available.
If it ever did happen she knew she would be called at home, yet she couldn’t help a glimmer of hope as she and Hetta entered the cardiac unit for their April appointment. It was two months since she’d last been here and glimpsed Andrew Blake from a distance. In that time she’d managed to persuade herself that she’d imagined it.
There was a new nurse today, young and not very confident. She ushered Elinor and Hetta into the consulting room and seemed taken aback to find it empty.
‘Oh, yes,’ the nurse said quickly, ‘I should have told you-’
‘It’s all right,’ came a man’s voice from the door. ‘I’ll explain everything to Mrs Landers.’
She knew the voice at once, just as she had recognised his face, despite the years. As he closed the door behind the nurse and went to the desk Elinor waited for him to look at her, braced herself for the shock in his eyes.
‘I apologise for Sir Elmer’s absence, Mrs Landers,’ he said briskly. ‘I’m afraid he’s gone down with a touch of flu. My name is Andrew Blake, and I’m taking over his appointments for today.’
He looked up, shook hands with her briefly, and returned to his notes.
He didn’t recognise her.
After the first shock she felt an overwhelming relief. Only Hetta mattered. She had no time for distractions.
He talked to the child in a gentle, unemotional voice, listened to her heart, and asked questions. He didn’t talk down to her, Elinor was impressed to see, but assumed that she understood a good deal. Hetta didn’t disappoint him. She was an old hand at this by now.
‘Do you get breathless more often than you used to?’ he asked.
Hetta nodded and made a face. ‘It’s a pig.’
‘I’m sure it is. I expect there’s lots you can’t do.’
‘Heaps and heaps,’ she said, sensing a sympathetic ear. ‘I want a dog, but Mummy says it would be too bois-something.’
‘Too boisterous,’ Andrew agreed.
‘Hetta, that’s not really the reason,’ Elinor protested. ‘We can’t have pets in that little room.’
‘You live in one room?’ Andrew asked.
‘In a boarding house. It’s just a bit tiny, but everyone’s fond of Hetta and kind to her.’
‘Do you smoke?’
‘No. I never did, but I wouldn’t do it around Hetta.’
‘Good. What about the other tenants?’
‘Mr Jenson smokes like a chimney,’ Hetta confided. ‘Daisy’s very cross with him.’
‘Tell me about the others.’
Man and child became absorbed in their talk, giving Elinor the opportunity to watch him, and note the changes of twelve years.
He had always been a tall man, slightly too thin for his height. Now that he’d filled out he was imposing. Perhaps his face had grown sharper, his chin a little more forceful, but he still had a thick shock of dark hair with no sign of thinning. At thirty-eight he was the essence of power and success, exactly as he’d always meant to be.
At last he said, ‘Hetta, do you know the play area just along the corridor?’
‘Mmm! They’ve got a rabbit,’ she said wistfully.
‘Would you like to go along and see the rabbit now?’
Hetta nodded and left the room as eagerly as her constant weariness would allow.
‘Is there anyone to help you with her?’ Andrew asked. ‘Family?’
‘My parents are both dead. Daisy helps me a lot. She’s the landlady, and like a second mother to me. She cares for Hetta when I’m out working.’
‘Is your job very demanding?’
‘I’m a freelance beautician. I go into people’s homes to do their hair, nails and make-up. It has the advantage that I can make my own hours.’
‘But if you have to take time off you don’t get paid, I suppose.’
‘It will be different when she’s well. Then I can work really hard and make some money to take her away for a holiday. We talk about that-’ She stopped, her voice running down wearily. Why was she telling him these unlikely dreams that would never come true?
Now she was passionately glad that he hadn’t recognised her as he listened to her tale of defeat and failure.
‘Is Hetta any worse?’ she asked desperately.
‘There’s been some slight deterioration but nothing to be too troubled about. I’ve made a small change in her medication,’ he said, scribbling. ‘It’ll make her breathing a little easier. Call my office if you’re alarmed about her condition.’
I’m always alarmed about her condition, she wanted to scream. I’m alarmed, terrified, despairing. and you can’t help. You were going to be the world’s greatest doctor, but my child is dying and you can’t do anything.
But all she said was, ‘Thank you.’
‘Good day to you, Mrs Landers.’
‘Good day.’
That night, as always, she sat with Hetta. When the child had fallen asleep she rose and went to the window, looking out onto the unlovely back yards that were so typical of this depressing neighbourhood.
A machine, she thought. That’s what he’s become. Just a machine. It was always bound to happen. Even back then he had his life planned out, a straight path, dead ahead, and no distractions to the left or the right. He said so.
Why did I ever worry? I didn’t make any impact on him. Not in the end.
It had been so simple to promise herself that she would win Andrew’s heart. But as week had followed week in silence she’d faced the fact that he’d returned to Lilian and forgotten her. She’d pictured them together, laughing about her.
‘You should have seen this silly little kid I met,’ he must have said. ‘Thought she was grown up, but didn’t have a clue.’
He might have telephoned to see how she was, but he didn’t.
She could have screamed. How could she make him fall in love with her if he wasn’t there?
For lack of anything better to do, she continued going out with the kids in the gang, although after Andrew their conversation sounded juvenile, and their concerns meaningless. The boys talked about the girls, the girls sighed over pop stars and made eyes at the boys. The talk was mildly indecent in an ignorant sort of way.
Then Jack Smith appeared among them. He was a motor mechanic, brashly handsome, and twenty-one. He
fixed on Ellie as the best-looking girl in town, and his admiration, following Andrew’s departure, warmed her.
‘A smasher, that’s what you are,’ he told her one night when they were all sitting at a table outside a pub. ‘Bet you could have any feller you wanted.’
‘She could,’ Grace agreed. ‘You should have seen her at our birthday party. They were all over her. Even Andrew.’
‘No, he wasn’t,’ Ellie’s honesty compelled her to say. ‘He was saving me from the others.’
‘Oh, go on! What happened when he got you alone? You’ve never told.’
‘And I’m never going to.’
There were knowing cries of ‘Ooh!’
‘Who is this Andrew?’ Jack demanded.
‘My snooty elder brother,’ Grace said. ‘He carried Ellie out of the party thrown over his shoulder, like a caveman.’
‘No, he didn’t,’ Ellie corrected. ‘He just lifted me off the floor a bit.’
‘But he’d have liked to throw you over his shoulder, wouldn’t he?’
Ellie would have given a lot to know the answer to that question herself.
‘Bet he fancies you really,’ Grace persisted.
‘Don’t think so,’ Ellie said, clinging onto truthfulness with a touch of desperation. It was hard because her pride was involved. ‘Don’t forget about Lilian.’
‘Bet you could make him forget Lilian,’ Grace nagged. ‘Bet you could if you set your mind to it.’
‘Ellie could make anyone fall in love with her,’ Jack said admiringly. ‘Whether she had a mind to or not.’
‘Not Andrew,’ Ellie said, to bring the conversation back to him. ‘Nobody will ever get under his skin.’
‘Bet you could,’ Grace obliged.
‘Bet I couldn’t,’ Ellie said, speaking gruffly to hide how much the thought pleased her.
‘Bet you could.’
‘Bet I couldn’t.’
‘Could.’
‘Couldn’t.’
‘Could.’
‘Couldn’t!’
In the end she shrugged and said, ‘Well, maybe I could if I set my mind to it. But I’m not going to.’
