by Lucy Gordon
‘Oh, go on! It’ll be fun seeing my big brother when he’s not being so cocky.’
‘Yes,’ Ellie murmured with feeling.
‘Go on, then.’
‘No.’
‘You’re chicken.’
‘I’m not.’
‘You are.’
‘I’m not.’
‘You are.’
Goaded, she said, ‘Listen, I could have anyone I want, and that includes your snooty brother. But I’m not interested in him.’
‘So pretend.’
‘I’ll think about it.’
Like children squabbling in the playground, she thought, years later. That was the level of the conversation that had ultimately broken a man’s heart.
Even as a child Andrew had been orderly about remembering dates and details. For a man of science it was very useful.
But there were times he would have been glad of a little forgetfulness. His brother’s birthday, for instance, which came exactly seven weeks and three days after Grace’s birthday party; seven weeks and three days after the night he’d met Ellie; seven weeks and two days since he’d fled her, six weeks and five days since he’d returned home to find her there and known that it had been useless to run and a mistake to return.
It would be an even worse mistake to attend Johnny’s birthday festivities and risk another meeting. But his mother said it was his family duty, and duty was something Andrew never shirked.
When the day came he set out, armed with a gift for his brother, but as he reached town it occurred to him to buy something for his mother too, and headed for the nearest department store.
And there was Ellie, serving on the cosmetics counter, laughing with a customer as she demonstrated a perfume on her wrist. She didn’t see Andrew at first, so that he had time to stand and watch her. And in that moment he knew that all the discipline and control, all the mental tricks to blot her out, had been for nothing, and the truth was that he had thought of her night and day since their last meeting.
She looked up and saw him. Smiled. He smiled back. It was all over.
When the customer had gone he approached her, heart thumping. To cover his confusion he made his face sterner and more rigid than usual.
‘Good morning,’ he said, almost fiercely.
‘Hey, don’t bite my head off,’ she protested, laughing. ‘What have I done wrong?’
‘Nothing,’ he said hastily. ‘I only said good morning.’
‘You made it sound like the crack of doom.’
Her smile touched him again, and this time he relaxed a little. ‘I’m looking for something for my mother,’ he told her. ‘I don’t see why Johnny should have all the gifts.’
‘Johnny?’
‘His nineteenth birthday.’
‘Is it? I didn’t know.’
‘But aren’t you coming to the party?’ he asked, dismayed.
‘I haven’t seen much of Johnny lately,’ she said with a light shrug. ‘Do you want perfume, or lipstick, or-?’
‘Pardon?’
‘For your mother.’
‘My mother? Oh, yes, her present.’
Pull yourself together, he thought. You’re burbling like an idiot.
‘What sort of make-up does she wear?’ Ellie asked.
‘Um…’ He looked at her, wild-eyed, and she laughed at his confusion. But not unkindly.
‘I’ll bet you’ve never noticed if she wears any at all,’ she teased.
‘It’s not the sort of thing I’m good at,’ he confessed.
‘You and the rest of the male population.’
‘What do you do for the others?’
‘Scented soap is pretty safe, especially with some nice gift wrapping.’
She showed him a variety of boxed soaps and he chose the biggest, an astounding pink and mauve creation.
‘I thought you’d pick that one,’ she said.
‘I guess that means everyone does, huh?’
‘Not everyone. Only the fellers. I’ll gift-wrap it for free. I guess I owe you, and I like to pay my debts.’
‘Ah! Now that’s a pity because I was hoping you’d pay your debt in another way.’
‘How?’
‘I’d feel self-conscious turning up alone at this do. Since you and Johnny are-aren’t-well, you might come with me. Just to make me look good.’
‘You didn’t bring Lilian?’
‘Why should you ask that?’ he demanded, suddenly self-conscious. ‘It’s what my mother said. I don’t know why everyone assumes that-I’m fond of Lilian but we’re not joined at the hip-head-’ he corrected hastily. He had a horrible feeling that he was blushing like a boy.
‘The only problem is that it’s the store’s late night,’ Ellie said. ‘We don’t close until nine.’
‘I’ll be outside, waiting.’
When the time came she was late, filling him with dread lest she’d thought better of it and stood him up.
‘Did you think I wasn’t coming?’ Her voice burst through his gloomy reverie. ‘I’m so sorry, but the manager wouldn’t stop talking.’
‘It doesn’t matter,’ he said, brilliant with joy. ‘You’re here.’
She tucked her arm in his as they began to walk. ‘Have you been to Johnny’s party?’
‘Yes, and it was noisy. Johnny was talking about going to the funfair in the park later, and most of the food at home has gone now. Why don’t we grab a snack somewhere, and join them later?’
‘Great.’
He took her to a small French restaurant, formal, but pleasantly quiet. She didn’t look out of place here as she would have done in her gold party get-up, Andrew realised. Everything about her was more restrained, more gentle, more delightful.
‘Did your mother like her present?’ she asked.
‘She was over the moon,’ he said truthfully. ‘You’d have thought I’d bought her a whole bath house instead of a few cakes of soap.’
‘It’s not the soap. It’s because you thought of her.’
‘I guess you’re right.’
‘I know I’m right. You should see some of my male customers, getting all worked up about this perfume or that perfume, treating it like rocket science. And I want to grab their lapels and yell, “Just show her you’ve thought of her. That’s the real present.” Gee, men can be so dumb.’
‘I guess we can,’ he said, entranced, willing her to go on.
She did so, entertaining him for several minutes with a witty description of life at the cosmetics counter, which seemed to be a crash course in human nature. Again he had the feeling that she was more mature than he remembered. The true reason didn’t occur to him. This was her subject. She was an expert in it, and therefore at an advantage.
She was a joy to treat, revelling in every new taste with a defenceless candour that went to his heart.
‘You aren’t eating,’ she challenged, looking up from the steak dressed with the chef’s ‘special’ sauce.
‘I’m enjoying watching you too much,’ he said, and was surprised at himself. Normally he avoided any remark, however trivial, that savoured of self-revelation. It was her, he decided. Her frankness demanded a response.
‘It’s yummy,’ she said blissfully.
‘And there’s even better to come.’
‘Ice cream?’
‘That’s right. We’ll have everything on the menu.’
‘Go on, I’m more grown up than that.’ She looked at him slyly. ‘Well, almost.’
He groaned. ‘Am I ever going to be forgiven for the things I said that time?’
‘Well, I guess you were right. Mind you, I’d die before admitting it.’
He grinned. She laughed back, and suddenly their first meeting became a shared joke.
‘I’m surprised you want to bother with a kids’ party,’ she said. ‘Don’t we all seem very juvenile to you?’
‘My mother wanted me to come, and I guess I did it to please her.’
‘That was kind of you. Like the soa
p.’
Again he knew the unfamiliar impulse to frankness. After resisting for a moment he yielded and found it unexpectedly easy. ‘Not really,’ he said. ‘Part of me’s trying to ease my conscience for being a bad son.’
‘A bad son? You? No way. Your mother’s terribly proud of you, all you’ve achieved-top marks in all your exams, really going places.’
‘But in a sense I’ve done it at her expense, or at the expense of the family, which is the same thing. You can only give all of yourself to one thing at a time. I’ve held back from my family and given myself to work, which is something that benefits me, first and most.’
‘But what about the people you heal? You benefit them. If you were only concerned about yourself you could be a banker or-or anything that makes a lot of money.’
‘But I’d have been a terrible banker and I’m a good doctor. It makes sense to play to my skills. And by the time I’ve finished I’ll have made a lot of money. But I have to be the best. And I will, whatever the cost.’
He’d gone further than he’d meant to. She was staring at him.
‘You really mean that, don’t you?’
‘Do I sound very cold-blooded? Should I have talked about my mission to do good?’
She shook her head. ‘People with missions to do good scare me. They always want to tell other people what to do. As long as you make sick people well, who cares about your reasons?’
‘That’s what I think,’ he said, feeling a load slip away from him at finding someone who understood.
Suddenly he was talking, telling her about the frustrations of his childhood when he’d dreamed of escaping this dull little town where his parents had lived their contented lives.
‘They’re happy, and that’s fine for them, but this place couldn’t be enough for me.’
‘What would be enough?’
‘The top.’
‘But which tree? You’re working in a hospital now, aren’t you?’
‘That’s right. Long hours, low pay. It’s back-breaking and you don’t get any sleep. No matter. It’s great. I’m learning, and I’ll get there.’
‘And what then?’
‘Then? Then I’ll have everything I want.’
He knew, even as he said it, that it couldn’t be true unless ‘everything’ included her. But he shied from the thought. It wasn’t in the plan.
‘I suppose we ought to put in an appearance at the funfair,’ he said.
‘Ooh, yes,’ she said, becoming young again.
They went on everything, the scenic railway, the dodgems, the carousel, the big wheel. The wheel scared her and he had to put his arm around her. Then she forgot her fear and laughed up into his face, so that everything vanished, leaving just the two of them high up above the world.
And that was when he kissed her, with the stars raining about them and the sound of fireworks all around. He didn’t know if the fireworks were real or inside himself, but they glittered and sparkled as she threw her arms about his neck and gave him back kiss for kiss.
‘I’ve been plotting for ages how to kiss you,’ he said when they freed their lips, gasping. ‘And I’m such a coward that I waited until now, when you can’t escape.’
‘I don’t want to escape,’ she said recklessly. ‘Kiss me-kiss me-’
He kissed her again and again, revelling in the response he could feel in her eager young body, and promising himself-chivalrous idiot that he was-not to abuse her trust.
Looking back down the years to that night, Andrew judged his young self harshly.
Fool. Bird brain. No common sense, or if you had you’d put it on hold. She was playing with you, laughing at you, and you fell for it like a daft boy, because you wanted to believe all those pretty fairy tales, and that’s the stupidest thing of all.
But sometimes he would sigh and murmur, ‘Just the same, I was a better man then than I am now.’
CHAPTER FOUR
A T SEVENTEEN Ellie reckoned life should be fun, and romance was part of that fun. You played the field, and if you won the man you’d set your heart on that was wonderful, but there were still other men in the world.
Of course she was crazy about Andrew-for the moment. They would date, and love each other; she would find a job in the same town as his hospital.
But she was startled to discover that his feelings were of a different order. He was a serious, dedicated man in his love as in his work. He offered her total commitment and he demanded the same in return.
Away from him Ellie made firm resolutions about cooling their relationship, refusing to let him make plans for their future. But with him her plans melted in the intensity of his adoration.
‘Darling, darling, Ellie, you do love me, don’t you?’
And as she looked into his glowing eyes the only possible answer was yes.
He never actually asked her to marry him, simply started talking about it as a foregone conclusion. Her mother was thrilled that she’d found ‘a nice, steady young man’ so soon, and she didn’t know how to tell Mum that Andrew’s steadiness was a point against him.
She was flattered, overwhelmed, confused, ecstatic, filled with love, longing and desire. The depth of his feelings touched her heart and made her tender towards him, which increased his love. It was all sweet and wonderful, but down the end of the rose strewn tunnel she saw dirty plates, dirty socks, dirty nappies.
‘What’s wrong with having children while we’re young?’ he asked when she managed to voice some doubts.
‘Because it’s not how I want to spend my youth,’ she flung back. ‘I want a career first.’
‘Darling, one day I’m going to be a top consultant. I don’t want my wife doing shampoos and sets.’
‘Why you-you dinosaur!’ she exploded.
Soon they were in the middle of a blazing row, their first. Ellie was upset, but Andrew was torn apart. His misery shocked her and she flung herself into his arms, longing only to comfort him. Making up was blissful, but afterwards she was more firmly tied to him than ever, and she was beginning to feel like a prisoner.
Yet she couldn’t break away. He filled her with bittersweet emotions that she’d never known before, so intense that it was like living in a new, glowing world. She could only cling on and hope for a miracle to make everything right.
His mother was appalled at the prospect of his early marriage to a girl who could bring him no advantages. ‘You could do a great deal better for yourself,’ she snapped in Ellie’s presence.
But Andrew slipped his arm about his beloved’s shoulder, drawing her close to his tall, strong body, and said gently, ‘She loves me, as much as I love her. Could I do better than that?’ Then his voice rose joyfully. ‘Mum, be happy for me. I’ve got the most wonderful girl in the world.’
She wanted him, ached for him, and raged at the old-fashioned chivalry that made him refuse until they were married. She guessed that her youth preyed on his mind, but she knew too little of the world to respect his strength of will and consideration for her. She only felt that she wanted to be naked with him, make love to him, please him and be pleased by him. Her body was beautiful, but he would do nothing to claim her. It was insulting.
Since they had no money they spent their time together wandering in the park where the funfair had been. One day they took a boat out onto the lake. The weather was hot, and Andrew wore only a pair of shorts. She lay back blissfully and watched the sun turning his skin to gold as he pulled on the oars, making nothing of the task.
She thought of his strength, how she’d sensed it through his kisses, the movements of his hands, both tender and urgent. She knew he desired her and was fighting it. But how long could he hold out against his own feelings?
They pulled into a little island where they could picnic in a secluded spot under the trees. Afterwards she lay in the crook of his arm, listening to his heartbeat.
‘Do you love me?’ she whispered.
He raised himself, pushing her down onto the blanket and lookin
g down on her. ‘How can you ask me that?’ he said in a quiet, serious voice. ‘Don’t you know by now how much I love you? Don’t you know that you fill the world for me?’
She reached up and touched his face with her fingertips, trying to smooth away the frown lines that hard work and study were already etching on his face. Slowly she worked her hands around to the back of his head and drew him down until his lips touched hers. Instantly she was afire, filled with need and longing. She pressed against him, kissing him back eagerly, fiercely, willing him to abandon himself to feeling and sensation.
To her delight she could sense it happening. He touched her like a man on the verge of losing control, caressing her face, her neck, her breasts through the thin cotton of her blouse. Where his fingers touched, his lips followed, burning her with their passion and satisfying her deeply. She gasped at the flickering of fire that went across her skin, making every inch of her newly aware.
She ran her hands over his bare back, feeling lean, hard muscles, sensing his strength. She wanted to kiss him everywhere.
He fumbled at the buttons of her blouse and she helped him, freeing her breasts to his adoring gaze. His lips against them sent shudders of delight through her, and then again when the tip of his tongue caressed one peaked nipple.
‘Andrew,’ she whispered, ‘darling, yes-please…’
He was fumbling at the waistband of her shorts, opening the button, drawing down the zipper, slipping his hand lovingly inside to where she was eager for him. In another few moments, she thought blissfully, she would know what love was really all about, and then-
She opened her eyes to find him staring at her with shock. There was no desire on his face, only horror, like a man who’d awakened from a nightmare.
‘What is it?’ she whispered.
‘Dear God, what am I doing?’ he said hoarsely. ‘I promised myself-’
He drew away and jumped to his feet. The next moment he’d taken to his heels and fled.
‘Andrew!’ she screamed.
But he kept on running as though the devil were after him. She buried her face in her hands, racked by sobs of frustration and rejection.
She was still weeping when he returned a few minutes later. The sight made him fling himself down beside her, taking her in his arms and murmuring words of love and tenderness.
