His Pretend Wife

by Lucy Gordon

  ‘I wasn’t sure until the last minute. It depended on whether my replacement arrived in time, but he did.’

  ‘Is he as good as you?’ she couldn’t resist asking.

  He looked at her. ‘Almost. He thinks he’s better.’

  ‘If he’s so brilliant, how come he’s available?’

  ‘He’s been offered three other jobs, but the one he wants is Elmer’s, so he’s been keeping himself free. He jumped at this.’

  Of course he would, Elinor thought. It was the chance to work under Rylance’s nose and pip the other candidates to the post. And Andrew had stood back and let him do it, because she’d as good as asked him to. But her stab of pleasure was quickly suppressed. He’d done it for Simon, not her. And it might be a disaster for him.

  Too late now to say anything. It was done. And Andrew was already going into the garden with the children.

  He joined her later that night for their regular glass of wine while Fudge snuffled in the undergrowth.

  ‘Could your replacement really harm you?’ she asked.

  ‘In one week?’ he demanded. ‘You don’t think much of my skill.’

  ‘A determined man can do a lot in a week.’

  ‘He can do his worst,’ Andrew said arrogantly. ‘I gather you think I might soon be on my uppers. That’s a pity, because I was going to suggest that we should get married.’

  ‘What?’ She tried to see him but there was no moon tonight and she could only make out his shape. His face was hidden from her.

  ‘It makes a lot of sense, Ellie. We make a pretty good family. Simon loves you and he’s crazy about Hetta.’

  ‘Just a minute-’

  ‘We have to think where this arrangement is going. If we don’t marry then sooner or later we’ll split up. You’re an excellent employee, but employees leave. I want you to stay.’

  ‘It takes a lot more than that to make a family,’ she said in a toneless voice. She’d thought Andrew had hurt her in every possible way, but she hadn’t thought of this. Marry her to keep a good employee!

  ‘Of course it does, but I’m sure we can make it work. I’m probably not putting this very well, but if you’ll only give it some thought-for everyone’s sake-’

  ‘Everyone? Does that include me?’

  He stared at her, trying to discern on her face what had disturbed him in her voice. ‘You don’t think this might be a good idea for you?’

  ‘I don’t think there could be a worse idea for me. I’ve told you I’ll stay while you need me, but I’m making a condition. Don’t ever, ever mention this again.’

  She rose and walked away towards the house, with Fudge trotting after her, leaving him sitting alone in the darkness.

  It was Andrew who noticed that there was a funfair about a mile away, and he who suggested that they should go. He was also the one to set the date.

  ‘The day after tomorrow,’ he said, ‘because that’s Ellie’s birthday.’

  Hetta stared. ‘How did you know? I didn’t tell you.’

  ‘I’m a magician,’ he said, and that satisfied her.

  ‘I don’t want to make a fuss about my birthday,’ she muttered as soon as they were alone.

  ‘Too late. Give your friend Daisy a call and ask her to stay with us that night.’

  It would be good to see Daisy again, but she would inevitably take over the children, leaving her too much with Andrew. She’d been steering clear of him ever since he’d made her that insulting offer of marriage, but it was hard now he was at home for the week. He strode off without waiting for an answer, and a few minutes later he departed on a gift-buying expedition with the children.

  When her birthday came they all made the breakfast, then plied her with gifts. From Hetta there was a brooch in the shape of a heart, and from Simon a pair of slippers. Andrew’s gift was a scarf, made of wool and silk. It was exquisite and expensive, but not so much as to invite comment. She thanked him quietly, and promised to wear it that evening.

  The taxi arrived with Daisy, and now she was glad her old friend was there to shield her from the attention. Her thoughts had been in turmoil ever since the other night. There had been a brief temptation to say yes, marry him anyway and count on her own love to be enough.

  Try as she might, she couldn’t stop her thoughts wandering down that path. To the outside world they looked like a family, two parents and two children. It was tempting to think that they really were a family, to pretend that she were his wife, as she might once have been.

  These days, when he took the children into the village, and the three of them returned to find her getting them a snack in the kitchen, they would greet each other with smiles, and for a moment she could think, This is how it would be if we were married.

  And it could still happen. She could tell him she’d reconsidered and decided that it was a sensible idea. But the word ‘sensible’ checked her. Her love alone would never be enough for the two of them, and only misery could come from trying to make it.

  On the afternoon of her birthday the phone rang. Elinor was alone when she answered it, and she was immediately glad.

  ‘Hi, sweetie,’ came Myra’s voice singing down the line. ‘How’s tricks?’

  ‘We’re doing very well,’ Elinor said. ‘Do you want to talk to Simon?’

  ‘Thanks, but I just got off the line to him an hour ago.’

  ‘How’s Detroit?’

  ‘Hot. Muggy. But Cyrus is letting me have the swimming pool enlarged. I thought of making it like a Roman bath house. What do you think?’

  ‘I think it’ll be very “you”,’ Elinor said.

  Myra’s crack of laughter showed that she fully understood this tact. ‘I called to say happy birthday!’ she said.

  ‘Thank you. How did you know?’

  ‘Simon told me. He says you’re going out on this great party. Big funfair.’

  ‘That’s right. An old friend of mine is here, so there’ll be three of us looking out for the children.’

  ‘Good, have a great time. And listen, I have a birthday gift for you.’

  ‘That’s very kind. I’ll look forward to it.’

  ‘No, I’m going to give it to you now. I knew I’d seen you somewhere before as soon as we met, and now it’s come to me. It’s you in that photograph.’

  ‘What photograph?’

  ‘The one Andrew keeps with him. Or I should say one of the ones he keeps with him. There’s about a dozen of them. Him and this girl with masses of blonde hair, sitting together, their arms around each other, kissing. And sometimes just her on her own. He didn’t know that I knew. I found them in his desk drawer one day, and I never told him. So you were the ghost.’

  ‘The ghost?’

  ‘Andrew’s ghost, the one that’s always haunted him. I knew soon after we married that there was someone else. I don’t mean another woman in the conventional sense, but a secret ghost in his heart that he visited sometimes, and came back looking sad. I was arrogant enough to think I could drive her away, but I never could, because she was the one he loved.’

  ‘Myra, I’m sure you’re wrong about this-’

  ‘No, I’m not wrong. It’s your face.’

  ‘Yes, it’s me, but the rest-we were children. At least, I was.’

  ‘But he wasn’t,’ Myra said shrewdly. ‘One thing I know about Andrew, he gives all of himself to everything. It’s exhausting to live with, but the one who really gets dragged through the mill is Andrew.’

  ‘Yes,’ Elinor murmured. ‘It was like that. I did love him but I was seventeen and all of him was more than I could cope with. If we’d met later-’ She sighed.

  ‘Has he been a ghost for you too, then?’

  ‘All the time,’ she said slowly, realising that it was true. ‘I never meant to keep thinking of him, but somehow he wouldn’t go away. I could never forget how badly I’d treated him and it spoiled everything else. And his face on the last day-yes, I suppose that’s been my ghost.’

  ‘And you’re n
ot going to look me in the eyes and say you don’t still love him, are you?’ Myra demanded, blithely ignoring the miles separating them.

  ‘Myra-’

  ‘Of course you’re not. It stands out a mile. There was always a third person in our marriage,’ she added, without rancour. ‘It’s fascinating to meet her after all this time.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘Don’t be. It wasn’t your fault. Andrew and I should never have married. Once you’d had the “all” there wasn’t much left for anyone else. What happens next is up to you, but for Andrew’s sake I hope you get your act together. Bye, sweetie. Have a nice birthday.’ She hung up.

  Elinor set down the phone, her mind whirling. It couldn’t be true. Myra had somehow got it wrong. And yet there was something in the word ‘ghost’ that had caught at her heart. She’d been haunted since the day of their parting, and of course Andrew had been haunted too.

  But he’d been cured when they’d met again and he’d seen how she’d changed. She must remember that.

  Both children were persuaded to sleep the afternoon away, under the dire threat of having to leave the funfair early. They set out in the early evening, with both youngsters bright-eyed and eager.

  Andrew was an unexpected success. The same skills that made him a surgeon made him score bull’s-eyes at the coconut shy, which he did so often that the harassed owner ordered him off, to the children’s hilarity.

  ‘Oh, look, Mummy, there’s a big wheel.’ Hetta tugged on Elinor’s hand. ‘Can we go on it?’

  ‘It looks awfully big, darling,’ Elinor said, looking up doubtfully.

  ‘That’s the idea,’ Andrew observed, following her gaze. ‘You’re not scared, are you, Ellie?’

  ‘You know I am,’ she said softly.

  She wondered what was happening. There was something different about Andrew tonight, as though he was determined to provoke her memories.

  ‘Come along,’ Daisy carolled, leading the way to the entrance. Simon and Hetta went with her, and the three of them piled in together.

  ‘Come along,’ Andrew said, taking Elinor’s hand, and soon they were in the seat just behind the others.

  Then they were off, sailing silently upward, higher and higher, until they reached the top and began the stomach-churning descent. But her nerves seemed unimportant because Andrew’s arm was about her shoulders, drawing her close.

  ‘Andrew, we agreed-I’m just an employee.’

  ‘No, you agreed that. Tonight you’re Ellie. You’ve always been Ellie. You always will be. Do you remember?’ he whispered as his lips brushed on hers.

  ‘Yes, everything.’

  ‘Do you remember what I said to you that night?’

  ‘You said you’d been plotting for ages how to kiss me.’

  “‘And I’m such a coward that I waited until now, when you can’t escape,”’ he quoted. ‘I’m no braver now. I had to do it again. Kiss me, Ellie. Kiss me for ever.’

  She couldn’t resist any longer. She threw her arms about him, kissing him fiercely as she had done that first time, while the wheel spun and the stars rained down on them.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  E VERYONE agreed that it had been the best night out ever. At home they toasted the occasion in hot chocolate before Daisy and Elinor chivvied the children upstairs.

  ‘Then I’m going straight to bed myself,’ Daisy said.

  ‘Me too,’ Elinor agreed. ‘Goodnight, Andrew.’

  The jollity continued as they climbed the stairs and put their giggling charges to bed. They didn’t want the day to end, but at last they dropped off to sleep. Elinor kissed Daisy goodnight and went to her own room.

  She undressed mechanically, trying to sort out her turbulent thoughts, but knowing it was impossible. Something had happened tonight that had brought about a change in Andrew. It had been happening gradually, she realised, but tonight was different. On top of the wheel he’d spoken of having no courage, but he’d acted like a man who’d finally decided to take his courage in his hands.

  When the soft knock came on her door she knew she’d been listening for it for a long time.

  Andrew stood there looking hesitant until she stood back for him to pass. He was still dressed in the trousers and shirt he’d worn all evening, the shirt open at the throat. He had something in his hand.

  ‘There’s something you ought to see,’ he said, offering it to her.

  It was an envelope, containing the very photographs Myra had described to her over the phone. Elinor went through them slowly. There were the two of them in each other’s arms, oblivious to whoever had been holding the camera, oblivious to all the world but each other.

  ‘We were so young,’ she murmured. ‘I always knew that I was, but you too-I never realised. Why do you bring me these now?’

  ‘Because I understand you already know about them.’

  She stared at him. ‘Myra?’

  ‘She called me and said she’d spoken to you earlier.’

  ‘Did she tell you what she’d said to me?’

  ‘The gist of it. Enough to make it clear that I couldn’t put this off any longer. There’s so much I want to say to you, and I’ve delayed saying it in case it drove you away.’

  ‘Is it about the past?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Do you think we should risk it? Is there any more to say?’

  ‘There’s this to say. Ellie-do you think you can ever forgive me?’

  ‘Shouldn’t it be me asking you for forgiveness?’

  ‘No. Everything that happened was my fault. You were so young. You wanted to enjoy yourself and explore life, as you had every right to. And I tried to tie you down long before you were ready.

  ‘Everything you said about me that day was right. I tried to order your life to suit myself. My only excuse is that I knew how badly I needed you. You were my lifeline to the rest of the world. I’d put work and study before everything, and I’d ignored a whole side of myself to do it. Then you brought that part of me back to life, and I knew I had to keep you with me, at all costs. But what I never saw, or wouldn’t let myself see, was that the cost was paid by you.

  ‘I drove you into Jack Smith’s arms. But for me you’d never have looked at him. Which means that all the bad things that have happened to you since then have been my fault.’

  ‘No, that’s too hard. What about what I did to you?’

  ‘Nothing I didn’t deserve. If I’d been more patient, instead of grabbing at you, we might have stayed together, and been together now.’

  ‘Andrew, that time I went to the island with Jack, nothing happened. He tried, but he got his face slapped. I wouldn’t have done that to you.’

  ‘Thank you. It’s odd, after all these years, how much it still means to hear you say that.’

  ‘I wanted you to be the first, and you should have been.’

  ‘Yes, if I hadn’t been so smugly determined that my way was right, we could just have found a flat together until you were ready to commit yourself.’

  ‘Lived as brother and sister, you mean?’ she asked, gently teasing.

  ‘Blow that! I could barely keep my hands off you, and you made it as hard as you could.’

  She stood still a moment, thinking of that time and the life they might have had. ‘If only…’ she said longingly.

  ‘There are a million if onlys,’ he said, stroking her hair.

  ‘If only we’d met a few years later. Just think-’

  ‘I do think,’ he said harshly. ‘And then I try not to think of it, because it’s the way to go mad. For a while after it happened I believe I actually did go crazy. I turned myself into an automaton. I shut off every softer feeling because I had no use for them any more. When I allowed myself to feel emotions again I made sure they were kept in neat order.

  ‘But then I saw you that day in the hospital corridor, and my whole orderly world went haywire. When we talked and I heard how you’d been forced to live I knew what I’d done to you. I was
beside myself, but at least I had the chance to help you. I thought I’d do the operation, Hetta would recover, we’d go our separate ways and I’d feel better about you.

  ‘But then you were homeless, and the temptation was too much for me. I told you a fairy tale to get you here, and I trapped myself because I didn’t dare visit you. I was afraid if you knew the truth you’d run away. But I longed to come here. I wanted to see you in my home, as you always should have been. I used to think of you, living here, and pretend that you were my wife. Foolish, eh?’

  ‘Not so foolish as you think,’ she murmured, remembering her own pretence.

  ‘What was that?’

  ‘Nothing,’ she said hurriedly. ‘Go on.’ She was holding her breath for whatever came next.

  ‘Then you called me, and I came over that night, and it all went wrong. You were so upset about the money, and when you came to my bed-you don’t know how much I wanted you. But not like that. Not because you felt you owed me.’

  She stared. ‘Is that what you thought? That it was a kind of payment?’

  ‘What else could I think? You so hated taking anything from me, especially money. And then there you were in bed with me, and I thought I heard you saying all the sweet things I wanted to hear from you. I didn’t know whether you were really saying them, or whether it was just a dream. I’d had that kind of dream so often. Then I awoke and you were making love to me, and I thought you were doing it as some kind of duty. It was a nightmare.’

  ‘But it wasn’t that at all,’ she breathed. ‘You were wretched and I wanted to be close to you, and love you. When you pushed me away I thought I’d embarrassed you because you didn’t want me.’

  ‘Didn’t want you?’ he echoed. ‘There hasn’t been a moment in the last twelve years when I haven’t loved you and wanted you, even when I wouldn’t admit it to myself. But after that night I felt I’d driven you off. You started planning to leave, but then Myra turned up with Simon, and suddenly I had a second chance. If you knew how my heart sank when you started talking about being my housekeeper and child-minder, and contracts of employment.’

  ‘I was trying to tell you I wouldn’t throw myself at you. I thought it would relieve your mind.’