Being Known

by Robin Jones Gunn

  Where is he? Where did he go?

  For the next few hours, I fluctuated between being furious with him and being worried about him. I thought about how Joel’s tactic was to step away from an escalating conflict. He put time and space between the outburst and the resolution. We had established a routine of letting our arguments become neutralized during the separation.

  I now saw clearly how our pattern of coping had never given us space to resolve issues. We didn’t dismantle our conflicts, examine the patterns, and mutually discover the source. We just went on.

  Only this time we weren’t going on. We weren’t going anywhere.

  My mind and my body were beyond exhausted when first light snuck in through the window over the kitchen sink. I knew Alex would be awake soon. If the reason for my exhaustion were different, I would see if GiGi and Poppy could watch the kids at their house so I could sleep. But that would invite too many questions. Besides, I didn’t know if Joel was staying with them or what he already had told them.

  My guess was that he hadn’t turned to his parents. Not on his dad’s birthday and not in light of the way his mom had been advocating for us to spend time together. Joel had a thing about not airing our personal stuff to his parents. He wanted us to be us.

  Ironic. We’re not “us” right now, are we?

  I made another strong cup of coffee and felt like a zombie as I went through the morning routine with Alex and Eden.

  “Mommy doesn’t feel well today,” I told Eden. “Can you be a big girl and help me with your brother?”

  “Sure, Mommy. Can I make you a feel better card? Alex can help me.”

  “Maybe later. Eat your breakfast first. You and Alex can watch a movie this morning.”

  “Yeah!”

  Eden’s cheer brought on the headache that had been pushing at my temples for hours. I went on a hunt in the vitamin cupboard and downed the pain medication with the rest of my coffee. I couldn’t eat anything. I couldn’t think. I had no tears left to squeeze out, and the flame of my anger in the early morning hours had smoldered to embers.

  I slogged through the morning, still anticipating that Joel would walk through the door at any moment. I tried to remember all the explanations I had rehearsed throughout the long night.

  The waited-for chime sounded on my phone a little after ten, and I felt my heart leap. The text was from Tess, not Joel.

  Dear DOEs, I don’t need any of you to say anything right now. You can all have at it with me later. I just needed to tell you that I agreed to see Rick tonight. Don’t judge me. Don’t call me. Just pray, please. I think I know what I’m doing. We’ll see.

  I stared at the screen.

  Alex was wailing in the background. Eden tried to pick him up. I had no place to put Tess’s announcement in my exhausted mind. I kept going, focusing on my own personal mess.

  If I had shared my messy story with the DOEs, I could text them now the way Tess did and ask them to pray for me too.

  I decided to text Christy. I typed out a few words about how I needed prayer, too, but then I deleted it. I wasn’t sure why.

  By noon, when my texts to Joel continued to be ignored, I decided I could leave as easily as he could. I could pack up the kids, find a hotel, and disappear too. That way, when he finally tried to call me or when he decided to come home, he would be the one lost in a fog of confusion.

  I’m sure I wasn’t thinking clearly when I packed a suitcase for the kids and me and drove with no idea where we would go. All I knew was that I couldn’t stay in my beautiful prison of a home and wait any longer.

  I drove around for a while. Alex fell asleep in his car seat. I pulled into the drive-through of a coffee stand and ordered a blended iced mocha for me and a juice and cookie for Eden. She was elated.

  “Where are we going now, Mommy? Can we go to the park?”

  “Not today, Eden.”

  “Can we go to see Hana and Cole again? Pleeeeease?”

  I hadn’t texted Christy and asked her to pray, but somehow I knew that if I showed up on her doorstep, she would let me in. At this point that seemed like the answer to prayer that I needed.

  I turned toward the coast and waited at the familiar intersection of 32nd and Newport with my blinker on. My thoughts were all over the place. The light for the cross traffic turned yellow, and two more cars hurried to get through. One of them was our car. Joel’s car. Our Lexus.

  I watched him drive through the intersection. He was focused, jaw set, looking straight ahead.

  All my defenses crumbled. For the first time in the churning of all my thoughts and feelings throughout the night, I asked myself, What if it were me?

  What if I had been the one who found an affectionate-sounding message on Joel’s phone from one of his old girlfriends? What if I believed something was going on that he’d never told me about?

  The car behind me honked. I looked in the rearview mirror with a scowl and then realized they were honking because the light had turned green. I needed to turn right.

  Slowly driving toward Christy’s house, I wondered if Joel had stayed with them last night. Was Todd and Christy’s home his haven too? What if Joel was driving home now? What if he expected me to be there and wanted to talk?

  Should I go home?

  I decided to see if Christy could watch the kids for me. If Joel hadn’t been there, I didn’t need to tell her all my woes. I could just ask the favor and assure her that I would be back in a couple of hours.

  If Joel had been there, if Christy and Todd knew all the messy details, then I definitely wanted her counsel. I had run out of everything, including objectivity. It would not be good for me to go home and meet Joel there in my present state.

  Christy’s car was in the driveway. I circled around through the narrow alleyway close to their house and found a parking spot, which is always a miracle in that neighborhood.

  “I’m going to play princess dance with Hana,” Eden said. “Mommy, did you bring my tutu?”

  “No, Eden. Hold on a minute. I have to check with Auntie Christy to make sure she’s home.”

  I sent a short text and received a quick reply. I’m home. Do you want to come over?

  Yes. I’m already here. I got out and released Eden from her seat. I tried to unbuckle Alex without waking him, but my jostling was too much. He woke confused and mad and cried all the way to Christy’s front door.

  When I rang the doorbell, Christy called out for me to come in. We entered and found her seated at the kitchen counter with her laptop in front of her.

  “Say hi to Katie,” she called out over the sound of Alex’s wails.

  “Hi, Katie.” I hoped I didn’t sound as rattled as I felt. I pointed to Christy’s refrigerator, and she nodded.

  Helping myself to an applesauce snack tube, I opened it and handed it to Alex. His crying stopped. I pulled one out for myself, since I realized all I had consumed that day had been lots of coffee.

  “Where’s Hana?” Eden asked.

  “She’s at school, sweetheart. You can play in her room, if you want.”

  Four-year-old Cole was playing with trucks on the living room rug. He abandoned them and explained to Eden what she couldn’t touch in Hana’s room. In true little-brother form, he followed Eden upstairs.

  The house suddenly seemed quiet after our rowdy arrival. I leaned over Christy’s shoulder and waved at Katie, trying to appear composed. Alex was still in my arms. He reached for the laptop as if Katie were on a show for him to watch.

  In a way, she was.

  “Hi, Jennalyn. Hi, Alex. Look at you! You’re such a big boy now. Wowee!” Katie waved at him. In the background her cottage appeared dark and very quiet for a home with three boys under the age of five. I realized it was the middle of the night in Kenya.

  “I’m going to go and let you guys ta
lk. Christy can tell you our big news,” Katie said.

  “Another baby?” I ventured.

  “No!” Her green eyes grew wide, and she leaned in closer to the camera. “Jennalyn, please, don’t even joke about that.”

  “Sorry!” As distraught as I was, I couldn’t help but smile at Katie’s wild-woman expression.

  “No apology needed. Just…just pray for us and our little circus.”

  “Bye, Katie girl.” Christy blew her a kiss, and Katie returned the gesture right before the screen went dark.

  Alex leaned over and tried to reach the keyboard to make the Katie show come back on. Christy quickly closed the laptop and moved it into the guest room. When she opened the guest room door, I peeked in. The bed appeared slept in and was unmade.

  Maybe Joel did stay here last night.

  Christy returned with a concerned expression. She held out her arms to Alex, and he went to her without hesitation. “Is it okay if I give him a rice cake?”

  I nodded.

  Christy pulled her kids’ old high chair from the corner and put Alex in it. She gave him a rice cake from the bag on the counter and then came over and gave me a lingering hug.

  “You know, don’t you?” I asked.

  She pulled back and nodded, her expression showing concern. “You okay?”

  “No.”

  “He stayed here last night,” Christy said.

  “I saw him turning at 32nd. Did he go home?”

  “I think so. He was out on the beach for a while, but then I noticed his car was gone. I’ve been talking to Katie for a bit, so maybe he didn’t want to interrupt to tell me he was leaving.”

  “It’s such a mess, Christy. I’m such a mess.”

  “Do you need something more to eat?”

  “No. I just need to talk to him. More importantly, I need him to listen to me.”

  “Then go home. He’s probably there. Go. It’s fine. The kids will be fine here.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Of course.”

  “Thank you, Christy.” I hugged her again. “Pray.”

  “I am.” She gave me a comforting smile.

  Before I left, I turned and asked, “Was he really mad? Do you think he’s still mad?”

  “I think he was hurt. And confused.”

  “What did you tell him?”

  “After he came here around ten thirty last night, he and Todd sat up for a couple of hours and talked,” Christy said. “I didn’t stay in the room, but I could hear bits of their conversation. I didn’t think it would help if Joel knew that you had confided in me about Garrett. It might have hurt him more that you had told me but hadn’t told him the details yet.”

  I thought about Christy’s comment and decided it made sense.

  “Todd didn’t know any of the things you shared with me. I hadn’t told him any of it. So, I think Todd and Joel mostly talked about how the two of you can work through this so that you come out closer to each other.”

  “Joel doesn’t know, then. He doesn’t know that nothing happened. He’s still assuming I…” My throat felt like it was swelling the way it had at the restaurant. “I should go.”

  Christy nodded. “Joel loves you, Jennalyn. He really does. Remember that. Go share your heart with him. Your whole heart.”

  Chapter 23

  The first tear crested as I hurried out Christy’s front door and fumbled for my keys. I drove home by the shortest route, through a residential area. My chest ached, and my heart thumped uncomfortably as I pulled into our driveway behind Joel’s car. I took a deep breath. After gathering my thoughts and emotions, I slowly stepped out and walked up the sidewalk. The front door was unlocked.

  I found Joel in the kitchen, sitting at the counter. He had a glass of something in his hand and was swirling the ice cubes around inside. The faint clinking reverberated inside me as if amplified ten times as it traveled across the room.

  “Joel, I’m sorry.” My voice was steady. I took a few steps closer. I hadn’t expected to lead with an apology, but I was glad that was the first thing that tumbled out of my heart.

  Joel sat staring at the counter. “I’m sorry too.”

  Neither of us said anything for a moment. I knew this couldn’t turn into one of our usual tiffs where we spoke the expected “I’m sorry” and then just went on.

  “Joel, I need to explain.”

  He turned his head slowly, looking at me for the first time. “Did you sleep with him?”

  “No!” I took five swift steps and stood next to my husband, looking him in the eye with a sense of rising fury. “Absolutely not. Nothing like that happened. Why would you—”

  “Then explain why he would thank you for spending the night with him.”

  I remembered the message Joel had seen on the game app and ached inside even more when I realized what my husband must have been thinking all this time.

  “Because,” I paused, drawing in a calming breath. “Joel, I need to explain everything. Then it will make sense.”

  I pulled my phone out of my purse and opened the game app. I hadn’t deleted it last night because I wanted Joel to see the whole conversation.

  “After I saw Garrett at Eden’s dance class, he messaged me and asked for my address so he could send me pictures he had of my mom.”

  Joel sat up straight. “Did you give him our address?”

  “No.”

  “Has he been in our house?”

  “No. Just let me explain.”

  I told Joel about the word game, the pictures he had of my mom, and how my heart went out to him when I found out his mom had died. I showed Joel the entire back and forth exchange that had taken place on those nights when I was so alone. He read each word slowly, scrolling up and going back several times to reread parts of the long dialogue. I sat beside him at the counter, feeling an odd mix of humiliation and indignation.

  If Joel knew me, if he trusted me, he never would have asked if I slept with Garrett.

  Joel reached the end of the feed and looked up at me. “Why did he say ‘Love you’?”

  “I don’t know. I think he was trying to see how I would respond. You can see, I didn’t respond. That was the end of the conversation.”

  “Did he ever give you any pictures of your mom?”

  “Yes, he brought them to the recital. They’re upstairs. I can show them to you, if you want.”

  “No, I believe you.” He clenched and unclenched his jaw. “Was there anything else going on?”

  “No.” I wanted the tension and the conversation to end there. I wanted this to be over. I wanted to delete the game app in front of my husband and then turn the tables and release all my anger at the way he had treated me by leaving and not answering my calls all night.

  “Nothing else happened.”

  I felt a nudge inside. This was my chance to get everything out. So I kept going. I told Joel how I had hunted for my yearbook and about the many nights when I crawled into a dark cave inside. I tried to explain how going there made my mom feel somehow closer because I held memories of Garrett in there too.

  “I know that probably doesn’t make sense. And I want you to know that I don’t feel that way now. I want to keep everything out in the light and not hidden.” I took a breath. “That’s why I also need to tell you that I had a dream about him. We were at the park, and he had his arm around me and was offering me his soda.”

  “And then what?”

  “That was all. I woke up.”

  Joel seemed more relaxed, but I wasn’t sure how he was taking all this. “Is there anything else?”

  The only thing I could think of was that I had let Garrett carry Alex to the car. I told Joel, finishing my full disclosure down to the last drop by telling him how Garrett had thumped on the roof and said “To infinity an
d beyond.”

  During my long account of every detail, Joel had listened with the same expression. He was serious, thoughtful, as if he were taking it all in with a few flinches of anger mixed with a sadness in his eyes.

  However, when I revealed the last part about “to infinity and beyond,” Joel’s eyes narrowed, and he looked down at his emptied glass. The side of his jaw flinched. He turned his lowered head and looked at me with his eyebrows raised and a repressed grin rising on his lips.

  “To infinity and beyond?” he repeated.

  I nodded.

  My husband burst out laughing.

  “What?”

  He kept laughing; I didn’t understand why. I had just emptied my heart to him, and he was chuckling.

  “Joel, what is so funny?” I swatted him on the arm.

  “To infinity and beyond!” he said in a comical voice.

  I tried not to flinch, but when Joel looked into my eyes he must have seen how hurt I was because he dialed it back.

  “I’m sorry.” He took me by the shoulders and looked at me tenderly. “You have to admit, though, come on, that is the worst pickup line ever.”

  I wanted to agree with him and let myself smile, but a sense of self-protection had kicked in when he laughed. “It wasn’t a pickup line. It was a high school thing. You can’t tell me you didn’t have any high school things like that.”

  Joel stroked his chin, still playing the comic, looking like he was trying hard to remember.

  “You just don’t understand because you were never serious about any of the girls you dated in high school. You were a big clown about romance, the way you’re being right now. You don’t get it.”

  Joel put up his hands in defense. “You’re right. I don’t get it. But what I do understand, as a man, is that he wanted more from you and you didn’t see that.”

  I blinked but didn’t have a clear enough thought in my head to reply. Part of me wanted to let it be done with and join in a round of laughter with Joel. Another part of me wanted to yell at him. I wanted to list all the ways he had failed to see me, hear me, know me. I wanted to make an earnest defense for why he should value me and care about my life, my world.