by Mia Ford
“Jace, I have been trying to get hold of you for ages. I’ve been so worried about you.”
I sigh and grip my forehead, willing the headache that has appeared as if from nowhere away. “Yeah, sorry about that, it’s just been… really tough. I’ve been busy keeping on top of things.”
“Things are okay with your mother? It must be bad…”
“She’s okay.” I need to cut that lie down now. It makes me feel awful. Especially when Billy is being kind.
“Oh good. I didn’t like the idea of her being sick. Thankfully, she’s a very strong woman.”
“Hmm.” I don’t know what to say to that, so I decide on nothing.
“We would like to come and see you. The boys and me. Not for any reason, we don’t want you to come back to work before you’re ready. We know how dedicated you are to the band; we just want to check in on you. See if there is anything we can do to help you and your mom.”
Fuck, that really gets to me. There isn’t any reason the boys need to come here. That’s a kind offer. It reminds me of all the good times, of all the ways I really have always fit in with the band more than anyone else. I think I owe it to them to at least go back for a while to work out what I want. I thought that coming here would help me to clear my mind, but it hasn’t. Perhaps I should be back with the people who actually know me.
“Don’t worry, I’m coming back to you. I’m coming back to LA. My mom doesn’t need me anymore.”
“Oh right.” The relief in his tone is evident. “Okay well that’s great. Will you send me your flight details so I can send someone to pick you up from the airport?”
I almost tell him not to bother, that I don’t want the fuss, but I change my mind at the last moment and agree. Billy likes to know that we’re all looked after, that helps him to relax, and also, it’ll be nice to be taken care of once more.
“Sure, sounds good, Billy. I’ll let you know. I’ll be on the earliest flight I can book.”
The sooner I can get out of here the better. I am done with home. I just hope Mom understands. She won’t be happy, I know that she doesn’t think this is the right move for me, but I’ll make it work somehow.
25
ADDISON
T ick, tick, tick.
My clock is so loud, the sound absolutely fills the room, which probably isn’t helped by the fact that I just keep staring at it, watching the second hand slowly move around the clock face. It probably isn’t the healthiest thing to just watch time pass me by but I don’t know what else I can do. It’s like my body has gone in to shut down mode and I don’t even know how to move anymore. I can’t remember the last time I got off this couch.
I have even been off work sick for a week and a half, which isn’t like me at all. I’m always in the office, even when I am sick. They probably all think that I have had a breakdown or something. That the stress has finally got to me and I can’t cope with life anymore. Maybe that is what happened, who the hell knows. It feels a bit like a breakdown. My brain isn’t working in the way that it should, nor is my body. I haven’t ever had a breakdown before, perhaps that’s what this is. It probably should worry me, but I’m too weary to do so.
Tick, tick, tick.
Jace left me, he went back to LA, just like I knew he would. He’s back with the band, where he belongs, where I knew he needed to be, where he could not resent me because I made him change his life. He’s singing, leading his musical dreams, without thinking of me. This all worked out exactly as I knew it should.
Tick, tick, tick.
Yet, I can’t help but feel like this is all my fault. I pushed him away just like he accused me of doing, and now he’s run. He left like I did, without an explanation, without saying goodbye, he abandoned me. I’m starting to see the damage that my actions had on him all those years ago. I was so, so wrong.
Tick, tick, tick.
Now, I can’t move. I’ve sunk so low into a pit and I can’t climb out of it. I dug the pit myself, I created this mess, and now I’m frozen in place. My life will never ever be able to just be happy, will it? Every time I get even a chance of it, I sabotage it. I cannot believe what I have done. Sometimes it seems right what I’ve done, other times not so much. I dart back and forth, never quite deciding how I should feel.
“Turn away,” I tell myself in a gravelly voice. I don’t think I’ve spoken for days now. “Turn away from the clock. Move just that tiny bit then all the other steps that follow won’t feel so hard.”
But I can’t, because the other steps will still be there. I’ll still need to do a lot more. Even if I focus on the steps one at a time, the bigger picture will still need to be completed and that is overwhelming.
Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
My cell phone has been ringing a lot, but this time I actually want to answer it. Luckily, it’s within reaching distance, still plugged into the charger, so I don’t have to move far. I hope it’s a good sign that I want to speak to someone. I really want to start that first step somehow; I just don’t know how.
“Hello?” I croak into the receiver.
“Addison, oh thank goodness. I have been so worried.”
“Luci.” It’s good to hear her voice. I’m so glad that we’re friends again and that she came at the exact right moment. Just as Jace left me for what I didn’t realize at the time was the very last time. I was gutted just to watch him leave then, but now I’m utterly devastated. She hasn’t even said ‘I told you so’.
“I know there’s no point in asking you to come out, I imagine you’re still on the couch, but I’m coming to yours tonight once I finish work, okay? I need to see you.”
I open my mouth, about to protest, but then I realize that it’s pointless. Luci won’t care that my place is a mess, that I’m a mess. She’s been such a good friend to me, and right now I do need her.
“Okay sure. You’re coming over tonight, fine.”
“I’ll bring food. I’m sure you haven’t eaten. And some wine. Although you might not be up for drinking…”
I don’t want any of that but I don’t bother to argue, I know that Luci will get what she wants. It’s a miracle that she’s given me as much space as she has. She must have sensed how much I needed it.
“I will be there at six PM, okay, so be ready for it. I don’t want to be locked out.”
I hang up the phone and reach for the remote control. Maybe the television would make me feel better. It will certainly beat the sound of the ticking clock, but the first picture that flickers to life on my screen is one of The Puppeteers as if the whole world is conspiring against me. As it turns out, one of the boys from the band has been seen out and about with some pop star and now the whole world wants to know all the details.
It isn’t Jace, but it might as well be. His picture is being used along with the rest of the band to advertise the story. I think I’m numb, just an empty husk incapable of any emotion, but then a howl rips free from my chest and a fresh wave of tears bursts out of my eyes.
I’m an emotional wreck all over again, and that might be how I am for the rest of my damn life. Heart-broken, sad, destroyed over the man who it turns out, I can’t ever have. No matter what.
T his will be good for me; I think as I look around the all too familiar environment. This is where I need to be.
Luci has been trying to get me here for over two weeks now, ever since I first let her into my home, and now I’m finally ready to listen to her. The only way I’m going to get over what happened with Jace is by doing what I did last time and throwing myself into my work. The place where I’m best.
I smile around the office and try to inhale, to breathe in what I know more than anything in the world, but all I can really feel is the massive distance between me and this place. The few weeks that I’ve been away weigh heavily on me, I’m far more out of the loop than I’m comfortable with.
“Ah, Addison.” Luke’s voice rings out behind me. “You’re back. Are you feeling better?”
I nod even though that isn’t really the truth. “Yeah, all good now.”
“That’s great, it hasn’t been the same without you. We have all missed you a lot.”
There’s a real sincerity to his words which makes me feel a little better. “I hope I can get back into it.”
“Oh, you’ll be back in the swing of things in a heartbeat. A kick ass editor like you.”
“Have you been working in my place?” He nods. “Thank you so much, I appreciate that.”
“Well, Sandra has turned out to be such a good writer, thanks to you giving her a chance. So, it’s been brilliant, it’s really given me the chance to step up into your shoes… while you’ve been away.”
Maybe I should be worried that he’s trying to take my job. Before all of this happened, that sentence alone would have made me feel like I had a target on my back. But now I don’t feel anything. I just want to try and get back to work, get back to normal. I don’t want to worry about more issues that may or may not be there.
If all of this has taught me anything it’s that I get carried away, my imagination easily gets the better of me. I get paranoid and I swallow myself up in bitter, nasty emotions. It’s best to just keep moving forwards.
“Right, so I’m going to get to my desk and try and catch up before everyone else gets in.”
“Of course. Well, I’m here, so if there’s anything you need to ask then so be it.”
“Thanks, Luke. I appreciate it a lot.”
I head over to my desk and take my seat, trying to feel at home, but my chair feels different. It’s very obvious to me that someone has been sitting in it. Someone other than me. It’s as if the cushions had betrayed me by molding in to Luke’s butt… but it didn’t matter. I was back now. It would be okay soon enough.
I sigh loudly and start looking through the stack of paper work on my desk, trying to get back into the rhythm of it, trying to find that passion I had for this. The time off hasn’t helped me at all.
Maybe I don’t need to read about all that I’ve missed. Maybe I need to focus on what’s next.
“So, Luke,” I call out to him. “What are we working on at the moment? What are the big stories?”
He arrives at my door and leans against the door frame. “Well, I don’t know if you know this, but that guy from The Puppeteers was here recently. I think he comes from here actually.”
My heart stops dead in my chest; my blood runs ice cold. This has to be a joke, there is no way in hell that he can be talking about Jace as well. The universe really is against me. It’s almost as if no one wants me to recover.
“Y… yeah?” I stammer back, trying to hide my real feelings. This isn’t Luke’s fault; he can’t possibly know my history. I need to see where this is going.
“It’s a shame, because we could have got an interview with him while he was here. That would have been incredible, wouldn’t it? An interview with Jace Fairs.” I smile thinly, all the strength that I built up for today melting away. “Well, it hardly matters now. But the band are working on a new album, and there’s all that stuff about Gary with Ari, the pop star, so it seems like a good time to run a story about his life here. For the entertainment section. I thought that would be pretty cool, what do you think?”
My automatic reaction is to shake my head no. That sounds terrible. It will put me right in the middle of what I’m trying so hard to escape. Not only that but it might also drag up my connection with him which will only create issues. But I can’t say no, I don’t really have a reason to.
“Erm, why not discuss it in the morning meeting? See what everyone else things. What is going on with the other sections of the paper? Is there anything else I might have missed out on?”
Luke fills me in with just as much enthusiasm as he talked about Jace with but I can barely hear his words. My brain is tumbling and jumbling everywhere. I’m never going to escape him. I’m never going to fully get over him. It might be for the best to just accept that I am going to be alone forever. I will never have love.
That just makes it even more imperative that I get to keep my job. Whatever it takes, I need to be professional at all times.
I can do this; I try to tell myself calmly. I can… I have to. I don’t have a choice.
26
JACE
“J ace…? Jace…?”
“Huh, what?” I snap from my thoughts and try to refocus. I was somewhere else for a moment there, somewhere I keep finding myself drifting off to and it’s silly because it’s a place I’ll never be for real. Not now. The dream of the cottage by the ocean with the love of my life is done. “Were you talking to me?”
No, not the love of my life, I scold myself while Gary talks. We were never meant to be.
“Mate, your heart just isn’t in it today, we can all tell. We’re wasting valuable studio time here.”
“Oh no, I will get my head in the game,” I insist. “I don’t want to be here longer than we need to.”
I watch Gary and Andrew exchange a look. They’ve been doing this a lot recently, silently communicating about me, and it drives me insane. I blow out a ragged breath, pissed off to be in this position once more.
“What is it, you two? Is there any reason why you’re obviously keeping stuff from me?”
“It isn’t that…” Jed joins in, trying to keep his tone calm. “You just don’t seem like you want to be here and we’re worried, that’s all. Towards the end of our last tour you seemed distracted, but we all thought that’s because your mom was sick, but now you say she’s better and you seem even less happy.”
“Mom was never sick,” I bite back spitefully. I don’t know why but I want them to feel my wrath. Even though none of this is their fault. “I just needed to get away from this never ending bullshit.”
“You mean us?” Andrew asks with one eyebrow cocked. “The band or the life? Because this doesn’t just affect you. Whatever the hell you’re going through affects all of us. We need you to talk to us.”
“Talk to you?” I throw my hands in the air, accidently knocking over a mug sat on top of one of the speakers. I’m in such a bad mood that I don’t even bother to pick it up. “I can’t talk to any of you. You aren’t my friends.”
Andrew steps back looking like I’ve hit him in the face. “Not your friends? Jace, we’ve been in your life for seven years. Even before The Puppeteers got big. We’ve all been through all sorts together. How can you say that we aren’t friends? That’s absolutely crazy. I don’t even know what to think about that…”
“I can’t talk to any of you. I’ve never felt able to. We’re band members and party mates, that’s it.”
Andrew steadies himself. I’m pushing him past the point of explosion, which isn’t easy for Andrew, he’s the calmest out of all of us. It gives me a sick pleasure to bring him down to my level for a moment. I want him to experience the negative cycle that I’m spinning in. I guess misery really does love company.
“If you are unhappy, Jace, then do something about it. Talk to us, talk to Billy, talk to someone else. Don’t fuck up all of our lives because you’re having a bad patch. You talk about not being our mate, well maybe you aren’t. After all, you don’t know that Jed’s grandfather is sick., do you?”
Sickness swirls in my gut. Now I feel even worse about my lie. That was really uncalled for.
“Nor do you know that Gary is engaged. You probably didn’t even know that he had a girlfriend.”
“I…” I can’t argue that. I didn’t know any of it.
“So yeah, we all keep up with one another’s lives because we care. And there have been times that you’ve cared as well, but I guess that time is up now. You want to be with the band? Good, then really put yourself into it because we’re counting on you. You don’t? Fine, go. We can sort out a replacement then. Obviously, we’d much prefer to have you, but we need the full Jace Fairs, and it seems like you can’t give us that at the moment. If you’re going to come back, good. Let us know, b
ut if not then stop ruining us.”
I’m gob smacked. Utterly blown away by his words. I know that he’s right, I am being more of a fuck up by wrecking things for them than I would if I just left, but for some reason I keep over complicating it. Just like everything else. Addie and I always do that too, which is why we’re always in this mess.
Talk to people… why can’t I just talk to people? It would make life so much easier.
“I’m sorry, I… I need to go. I need to think.”
“Yeah, you do.” Andrew nods firmly. “And we want you to come back to us with an answer one way or another. No more stringing us along because it isn’t fair, Jace, and you know it.”
The anger that I’ve been clinging to for days now, maybe even weeks, evaporates and leaves me in a state of perpetual numbness. All I can do is escape these four walls before I blow my top. I’m going to have to do some real thinking and come up with a genuine solution. I cannot carry on as I have been. It isn’t right.
“I will have an answer for you,” I practically whisper. “As soon as I can.”
“We love you, Jace. We just want you to be…”
Andrew’s words trail down the hallway after me, but as the door slides closed, they vanish in to thin air. I can’t hear anything nice coming out of his mouth right now, not when I’ve been a shit. The numbness is better than the onslaught of emotions that could come for me at any given moment. I need to keep them locked up.
“Drink,” I gasp to myself. “I need a drink. Calm down then come up with an answer.”
And this time, my answer needs to be final. No more fucking around, no more darting back and forth, making choices based on other people or negative emotions. I can’t live my life like that any longer.
It’s time to finally grow up.
It doesn’t take me long to find a bar, our recording studio is situated in the middle of a whole street of them, so I head inside and quickly order the strongest whiskey they have on the shelves. My body is still reacting wildly, my heart racing like crazy, butterflies flip flopping all the way through my system, setting my veins on fire. Andrew’s words run round and round in my head, making me feel utterly horrible.
